Should We Tell Him?

Someone recently asked me if I am going to tell the baby how he was conceived...when he is older of course.

Honestly, I had never thought about it. I mean I am not shy or ashamed about going through IVF. I feel like it was an honor to be a part of something so miraculous. But...do people who conceive the "regular" way tell their children??? I mean, does a mom sit down with her son and say, "on the night you were conceived mommy had over indulged in some blackberry Merlot, and it was daddy's birthday, so we parked behind the Pic-n-Save..."

Probably not.

I will probably tell my son about how he came into this world...one day. But, I don't feel like the rules are different just because we had to go the IVF route. I want him to know how long we prayed and how much we wanted him. I also want him to know how much money he cost us - oh yeah, that will be thrown out there more than once, I'm sure! (kidding...sort of) I certainly don't feel obligated to tell him though.

The thing with IVF is - you don't really get it until you have had to go down that road. I don't think anyone would choose this as a way of conceiving unless they had to. I mean, it is not exactly fun. Or cheap. It involves a lot of painful procedures, expensive medicines, lots and lots of time and emotions, and it is not at all romantic. I prayed that one day I would just wake up pregnant, but that didn't happen. So, this was the path that we chose. I don't regret it. And, I am not at all ashamed of it.

I find myself telling anyone who asks (and even some who don't) about it. I want people to understand that it should not matter how this precious sweet baby boy gets here...just that he gets here, period!

This is Liam...5 days after fertilization (and several months in a freezer)...this, my friends, is what a miracle looks like!

Happy Scared!

It's becoming more and more real...in just a few weeks I will have the baby that I have spent years praying for. I am excited, honored, humbled, ecstatic, amazed, and frankly scared to death.

Why am I scared?

Well, for starters I haven't had a baby around in about 9 years. I have NO REGRETS, but it is just a little scary (in a good way) when I think about how much my life is about to change. I worry that I won't have enough time to get everything done. I just spent the last hour laying in bed reading a magazine debating whether or not I should take a bubble bath...that probably won't happen again for another ten years! But, it will be worth it, I know!!

I am scared because I just can't believe how good God has been to me. I am so blessed that it is scary (again, in a good way). Don't get me wrong...I knew this day would come, I just never considered how emotional it will be to realize that everything you have asked God for is being given to you - WOW. It is hard to even imagine it. God heard my cries and he answered them. He really loves me that much!

There was a time after my husband was healed from cancer that I thought - this was it. There was no way God would give us our miracle baby now because I was pretty sure that we had already reached our "Miracle Quota" with the whole cancer healing thing...that thought only stuck around for a short time...and I am so glad I was wrong!

For the last few days every time I pick up an article of baby clothes, a baby blanket, or even go into the baby's room my eyes fill with tears. I am just so overwhelmed by the thought that this really is a miracle and it is really happening (I am sure it has nothing to do with being 33 weeks pregnant with hormones coming out of my ears).

God truly is giving me what I asked for. This pregnancy has gone perfectly for the most part. Every test I have had has come back with good results, all of my appointments have gone well - things are simply perfect!

My house is beginning to look like a baby lives in it. There is some sort of baby apparatus or baby paraphernalia in virtually every room. From swings, to bouncy seats, to pack and plays - you name it...it's probably here somewhere. When I had my first son we lived in an adorable 1300 square foot house, this time around our house is more than double that size and I must tell you...I miss my little house! I have baby stuff spread out everywhere. The baby's room is upstairs and our room is down stairs, so in an effort to not drive myself nuts we have created a temporary nursery in our bedroom. So now I have baby stuff in my room as well as upstairs in his room - I am certain that I am going to lose something at some point...let's just hope it's not the baby! I am trying to convince myself that if I leave some baby items upstairs it will force me to go up and down the stairs and get "exercise" at the same time...yeah, we'll see how long that lasts!

Pregnancy Progress:
I went to the doctor yesterday. Everything is right on track! The baby is doing well and things seem to be on schedule. I have had some contractions here and there, Braxton-Hicks I'm sure. They are not regular so it really isn't anything to worry about. I had my older son about 3 weeks early, I know that doesn't mean anything this time around - but let's just say I wouldn't mind if it did.

33 weeks and counting!!

One year ago today I was still getting over a failed IVF and miscarriage. This baby was just a prayer on my lips...now he is boy in my womb. God is so good! I am thankful!!

30 weeks!

Can you believe we are here??? 30 weeks pregnant!!! This baby could come in just a few weeks, really. WOW!!!

A lot has happened since the last time I posted...

I have had two baby showers! This baby is blessed beyond words! I am almost all set with the all important baby gear (which I realize most of it I don't need - but it sure is cute and fun to get!). The nursery is almost done. Just a few little things here and there, but for the most part we are making major progress!

I had a doctor's appointment today and found out that the baby is transverse which means that he is laying across my uterus horizontally  not vertically like he is supposed to. But, this explains some of the aching I have had in my right side...kind of feels like there is a head jammed into my rib cage - probably because that is exactly what is happening  I am already planning to have a c-section so I am not too worried about his position. It just does not feel so good sometimes.

My house is starting to become littered with baby items. I have even done a few loads of baby laundry - this makes me SO happy!!! I have dreamed about baby bottles and burp cloths for years - now I get to really have them in my home without being secretly talked about as "that crazy lady who is obsessed with babies."

I can now go to Wal-mart (or any store for that matter) and walk into the baby section and feel like I am actually allowed to be there. I no longer secretly dislike the other baby-gear shoppers!

My dreams are coming true! And it is GLORIOUS!

Short 24 week update

I am 24 weeks pregnant now. Almost in the third trimester!!!

A few days ago I had my last appointment with the OB specialist. They did an echo-cardiogram on the baby. I guess there have been an increased number of IVF/ICSI babies born with heart defects so they like to do echos while in utero.  Thankfully, our baby's heart was perfect! Everything looks great - which also means no more specialist appointments.

I am glad that everything is ok, but I am sure going to miss getting those super fancy ultrasounds each month. Now, I will have to settle for the monthly doppler checks at my OB office. I suppose I can live with that.

Thinking Back

I am now 23 weeks pregnant. There are still days that I wake up and almost forget that I am pregnant, but then I look down at my belly or feel him kick and I am quickly reminded about my state.

Just think, 23 weeks ago I was laying on an exam table with a team of people all up in my "Gloria" and my husband standing by my head holding my hand. Maybe not exactly how I imagined it would happen...but it happened and that's really all that matters.

I remember even on the drive home from the transfer I felt different...I just felt like it was going to work this time.

It was about 6 days after my transfer that I broke down and took a pregnancy test. (I didn't share it on my blog because of what happened last time.) It was a Tuesday, and I remember it very well. I knew better than to take a test that soon after the transfer but I did it anyway. And, this time I was so glad I did! It was around 4 or 5:00 in the evening and I had to stop by the store on my way home from work so I decided since I was there anyway i might as well pick up a few HPTs. As soon as I walked in the door at home I went straight to the bathroom. I didn't waste a minute...in fact, about 4 minutes after I walked in the door I was staring down at two pink lines! Now, if you remember I saw these lines last time, but this time they were different... nice and dark!! That is like an infertile's holy grail - two dark pink lines!!!!

I called my husband as soon as I saw the lines. He was happy but I could tell he was still a little nervous. I took a test every day after that until I had my blood test on the following Friday. Needless to say, they were all positive.

And here we are today, 23 weeks later expecting a healthy baby boy!!!

I never thought I would be an IVF girl. I always thought that I'd just naturally have a houseful of children. It never occurred to me that it isn't always that easy.

I really don't think you can understand the impact infertility has on a person unless you have experienced it. It is a void that feels like nothing else. I am so glad that I did not give up on my dream to have more children! It was hard and expensive and I'm not really sure how we made it work - but we did! I don't regret any of it!

Don't ever give up if this is your dream! There are options, and there are even organizations who can help financially! It isn't fair that we have to work so much harder, but that should only make us more determined to see this journey through! Don't give up!!! It can happen. God is faithful - this I know to be true!

Full Circle

I will not begin by making apologies for not posting lately...I think we are all very well aware of the fact that I am a lazy blogger. Now, it is more about just keeping up with that stigma.

So on to the latest...

Today was a day that I have dreamed about for years. It really wasn't "special" so to speak - but it was a big deal to me.

I had a regular OB appointment today. My husband could not get off of work and since it was just a quick check I thought I'd just wing it on my own. However, after an unsuccessful attempt at trying to find someone to pick up our ten year old from school (yes, he's ten now - Oh. Em. Gee.) I ended up bringing him along to the appointment.  As I was driving into the city I realized that for the first time our son was about to meet the very doctor who will deliver our new baby...the same doctor who delivered him ten years ago.

To me this was a glorious day. I felt as if I had almost come full circle. Here I was making that same trek in to town that I made ten years ago...a drive that I have been praying that I would get to make again one day. And this time, the life that I once carried inside of me on this drive was sitting in the back seat and a brand new life was kicking me from within. I realized (yet again) just how faithful God is! Everything I have been praying for is happening - and I am so grateful!

Everything checked out well at the doctor's office! Liam's heartbeat was perfect and I measure right on track. I am 22 weeks now - ahhhmazing! So far I have gained 14lbs - not bad considering my whole "bump list" and the heavenly cafeteria ladies at school who have made it their personal mission to make sure baby Liam is well fed!!! I am eating well!! (Before anyone reports me to the "pregnancy food police" I have been attempting to accomplish the Bump List in moderation...one bite at a time!)

Speaking of bump list...I'm starving!

It's a...Miracle!

Today was the most amazing day!!

We got to see our Snow Pea today and finally give HIM a name! Yep, this snow pea is a BOY!!! We are so thrilled. I just can't describe the happiness I feel.

Since I found out I was pregnant the question has been, "what do you think it is" or "what do you hope it is?" The truth is, I just wanted a baby! I prayed for a baby and that is what God gave me...the rest just didn't matter to me.

I will admit that I found myself browsing the "girl stuff" a little bit more often, but I think that is just because it was new and different. I have had a girl name picked out since I was 23 and truly, I do hope I get to use it one day (even if it is for a puppy or something). But, from the moment that she said "It's a boy!" I was in love with having another son.

I think it will be amazing for our almost 10 year old to have a baby brother. I love the fact that I get to pull out my old baby clothes (yes, I've kept them for 10 years in hopes of this day!!) and put them on the new baby while remembering when my first born wore the same outfits.

A girl would have been just as wonderful...but I am perfectly happy with my baby boy!

No matter this baby's gender - it's a miracle either way! This baby was thought impossible by many people, even some doctors...but God had a different plan. Giving us another son was also part of that plan.

I just can't describe the JOY I feel. I love that I am going to have another boy!!!

As far as health goes...he is perfect! He had all of his parts and his heart and bones all looked wonderful! We are so blessed and amazed by this miracle!!!

We got to bring our 10 year old with us to this appointment. He was in love with the fact that he got to "see" his baby brother. We could have sat there all day and watched him wiggle around in my tummy!

I am so blessed...and looks like I am going to be the only princess in this house for awhile...and I'm ok with that!!!

Pregnancy Guilt

If you have read my past posts you may remember one where I was going to chemo with my husband and griping about all of the pregnant girls that were happily on their way to the OB office next door...well this post is for them...kind of.

So, I'm pregnant now. I really and truly have no reason to gripe or complain anymore. I am getting what I wanted and what I have been praying for years. So, why do I still feel sad sometimes? I know why...

Once you have been an infertile your view on pregnancy changes. You have seen the other side and there is no forgetting what the other side looks like. The minute you see those two pink lines you want to rejoice and shout it from the rooftops - and you probably will...but not without a little guilt. You remember the times when your friends have announced their pregnancies and although you were happy for them you may have cried when no one was looking or at least wanted to. You remember asking God "why her and not me" time and time again.

Once you have been an infertile, you have made infertile friends. I don't know how but we find each other. When you become pregnant after being an infertile you feel like you are leaving your infertile friends behind. Or perhaps, even betraying them. I can remember as my infertile friends started getting pregnant or adopting I felt like shouting "whatever happened to No Man Left Behind???"

I remember when I was at a low point during my husband's cancer treatment and I wanted to hate those pregnant girls. I was so mad at these strangers for having something that I wanted to badly. And I realize that I am now one of those pregnant girls. I am the one that someone wants to hate and be mad at. So, I am sorry pregnant girls that I didn't even know. I was really never mad at you and I certainly never hated you...I just wanted your babies. (Well, that didn't really come out right...but you know what I mean...I hope.)

Those who have been blessed with not having to face infertility don't really get how lonely and sad it can be. Pregnancy is just something that happens. But not for us.

I want to show off my belly and tell everyone I see (yes, even strangers on the street) and I might (well not the part about the strangers). But, every now and then I remind myself that someone out there might be where I was just months ago. Someone might look at my pregnant belly and tell me how happy they are and then hide in their car and cry for an hour. I try to remind myself that even when I don't mean for it to, my good news can be heartbreaking for some.

It isn't fair, really. But it is part of The Secret Life of the Infertile. Pregnancies come with beautiful bouncing babies and a side of guilt.

To all of my infertile friends I can only say this...Don't give up!!! If you want it there is a way to make it happen! I have no idea how we were able to afford IVF (3 times) but we were. God provided when we asked him to. Please don't give up on your dream of being a mother!!! It is a dream worth chasing!

Playing the Numbers

There are moments when I almost forget that I am pregnant. Sometimes it just doesn't seem real.

But I know it is.

I think about how long I have wanted this and sometimes I can't believe that it finally happened. It may not have happened the way I had originally planned, but it happened nonetheless. And for that I thank God every day!

When I think back to when I started this blog I realize that so much has happened over these last few years. I never thought I'd go through 6 fertility treatments and never would  have thought that 3 of them would be IVF. I certainly never thought that my very healthy husband would ever be diagnosed with cancer either. Wow has it been a ride!

We have been through a lot, but it has brought us to this place...a very good and happy place. Even before the pregnancy I could list a lot of good things that had come from all of those bad situations. This baby is just the blessing within the blessings!

I recently went to my specialty OB. I will see a regular OB, but will see a specialist throughout the pregnancy as well. During the visit I had to sit with a nurse and go through all of my medical history. I knew it would come up eventually but I really wasn't prepared for it. What you ask??? Well, this question...

So, how many pregnancies have you had?

I sat there frozen for a few seconds (there may have even been crickets chirping) because I really wasn't sure what to say. Actually, that's a lie. I knew what to say...I just didn't want to say it.

Five.

That's how many times I have been pregnant now. Five. I don't know many people who have been pregnant five times. And most of the ones I do know have that many kids.

This whole "five" thing would be part of the reason why I will see a specialist.

Even though 3 of my pregnancies did not work out - I am grateful for all of them. I produced a life and even though that life was short lived it was still here and it belonged to me.

In the beginning I thought I would be a nervous wreck throughout this pregnancy, but I really haven't been. I have said this before but I have just had a peace the whole time. Even from the beginning of the IVF cycle I just knew that this time everything was going to be ok!

During my doctor visit we got to see Snow Pea through a 4D ultrasound. That was ahhhhmazing! I could not believe it but even at 13 weeks it looked like a real baby. The baby was perfect and healthy. There were no markers for Downs or Trisomy - not bad for my 33 year old eggs!!! Oh, this brings me to another weird part of the medical history interview...

So, I'm 34 years old. I have been 34 since my last birthday in March (just clarifying). At one point the nurse asked me how old I was and I told her, she then asked me how old my eggs were at the time of the IVF. Duhhh, 34 I said (again). I thought this was really a dumb question...but then I remembered. This egg was on the lay-away plan. This guy was fertilized and frozen back in November...so really my eggs were a year younger than me. They were in fact 33. Science can be really confusing.

I will go to my regular OB doctor on Tuesday...since it is 12:17 am that's tomorrow. Then I suppose it will just be monthly visits...like regular folks.

I'm happy to finally be a regular folk!

The Bump List

I know, I know...I am so bad about updating! There really is no excuse, except for the fact that I am lazy. I have literally done almost nothing in the last 4 weeks, well nothing except gain 5 pounds!!!

So here is an update...

Snow Pea is doing well! We have had a total of 5 ultrasounds and they all have been great! Today was my last appointment with my IVF doctor. I will start seeing a regular OB from this point on...wowzers!! (I can't believe we are at this point!!!)

Yes, I am calling the baby Snow Pea because it feels weird to say "it" or even "he or she." I decided on the nickname Snow Pea, because I think they are cute...and since this baby spent a little time in the snow (and by snow I mean freezer) I felt it was appropriate. So Snow Pea it is.

As I mentioned in my opening...I have already gained 5 pounds. I guess that isn't too bad, but it is more than I had gained with my first pregnancy at this point, so I am a little concerned about it.

You know how I am slightly obsessed with food...and weight...and losing weight...well, my food obsession has taken on a whole new reality right now. I guess after being on a low carb diet for so long I just want to go carb crazy every chance I get. (Hence the 5 lbs!) In fact, I have gone so crazy about food that I have actually created a list of all the foods that would normally be off limits for me, but I want to eat during my pregnancy. Yes, some people have a "Bucket List" of things they want to do before the die...I have a "Bump List" of things I want to eat while I am pregnant. That is how crazy I am!!!

Until now this list has been in my head, but I am going to go full-on committed and reveal that list here (also...in case I forget to consume an item I will have a record of it).

The Bump List 

Things I want to eat while I am pregnant because I have been deprived over the last few years and when you're pregnant you can eat carbs/junk and blame it on a insatiable craving or something and most people won't judge you...most people.

1. An original chicken sandwich from Burger King!!
2. Spaghetti with real pasta
3. Lasagna made with real noodles, not egg plant like I make in my low-carb life
4. Pasta salad
5. Baked ziti
6. Stuffed Shells
7. Ravioli (are we sensing a pasta theme here?? The Italian in me is salivating!!)
8. Bread sticks from Olive garden
9. Garlic & Cheese biscuits from Red Lobster
10. A real sandwich on real bread (not a wrap, not a low carb thin...bread...just bread)
11. A milk shake...a really really good milk shake
12. Pizza!!! Real pizza!
13. A burger...on a bun!
14. Chocolate peanut butter ice cream from Kilwins (the only kind of ice cream I like)
15. Tacos in shells, not lettuce leaves
16. Chips and Salsa (lots of chips and salsa)
17. Mashed potatoes!!!! (not mashed cauliflower trying to pass itself off as this most delicious carb)
18. Five Guys french fries...and Curly fries from Arby's!
19. Pancakes with syrup
20. Waffles!!!!!!!
21. A bloomin' onion thingy from Outback

Ok - I am going to stop now. I realize that this is not a very good goal to have during pregnancy and truth-be-told...I probably won't really eat all of this junk (probably) but I'd like to keep my options open...for now. I only have 6 more months of carb-life then it is back to the very carb-lacking real world for me!

Shots Anyone??

Well, yesterday we saw the baby's heartbeat again and it looked perfect! It started off a little scary but turned out ok...

At first the doctor said the baby measured a little small (the same thing happened last time but I didn't share it). But she kept working to get a good view and sure enough she got the exact measurement for my gestation. (Sigh of relief!!!) At the end she let me hear the heartbeat and said it was perfect!! When I heard the heart beat my eyes flooded with tears - we have waited so long to hear that precious sound!! My husband couldn't be there because he had a "call out" at work, so I was by myself. I was a little sad that he didn't get to hear the heartbeat, but I was really glad that I did :).

Just as I was about to leave I decided to tell the doctor about a bruise that I had from my nightly PIO (progesterone in oil) injections. It was really painful so I just thought (at the last minute) I should tell her. As soon as she saw it she literally yelled "Oh, My God!!!" She then proceed to tell me that I had more than just  a bruise - I had an infection in my skin called cellulitis. Apparently, it is very serious. She immediately ran out of the room and came back with a prescription for an antibiotic (that is safe to take during pregnancy). Apparently word got around because before I could leave another doctor stopped me in the hallway and asked to see it, "I heard it was terrible!" she said. (Great - I'm now the girl with cellulitis on her butt cheek!)

The infection is caused by germs finding their way under my skin during one of my injections. I really thought I was being so careful. But, they said it was common in a situation when you have to do consecutive injections for so long (2 months now). So since I have this 'issue" on the area where I am supposed to do the injections, I had to find a new injection site. Dr. S showed me how to do the injections in my thigh, which I was glad about because I could do that myself and would not need help. Boy was I wrong!!

I woke up this morning (after my thigh injection last night) and I could barely walk. My leg is so sore. You see, this medicine is in the form of an oil that you have to inject into your muscle. Sometimes the medicine forms a hard knot inside the muscle and makes it very sore. I have tried everything  to avoid the knots. I massage the area, I apply a heat pad after the injection...but I still get the knots and oh....the soreness!!!! I am currently just laying on the couch, but when I do try to  walk it is not a pretty site!!

On the upside, I am not really feeling too queasy. Just a little here and there. I guess God is sparing me from the morning sickness so I can deal with the butt cheek infection and the bum leg!

Again, I want to stress that I am NOT complaining about anything. I am just filling you in. I am so happy to be in this place right now. Even with a throbbing leg and a infected skin...I still have a perfectly healthy baby inside me with a perfectly beating heart - and that is exactly what I prayed for!!!!


My prayer today:

Dear Lord,

Thank you for this amazing blessing! Thank you for allowing me to be a mother once more. I am so grateful for this gift!

Please continue to bless this pregnancy. Keep our baby strong and healthy. Please heal this infection and take away the pain that I have in my leg. Please keep your hand upon me and see this pregnancy through until the end.

Thank you for blessing us!!!!!!

Amen.

One Perfect Heartbeat!

Yesterday was a glorious day!!!

We got to see our baby's heart...beating perfectly! I was nervous but not scared. I knew everything was going to be ok, but it is so nice to see it with my own eyes!

And, yes it looks like there is only one. Which is fine with us. At this point I will take whatever God gives and one perfectly beating heart is just fine!

I am starting to have a little morning/day sickness. But - I will not complain about it! I praise the Lord every time  I feel like I am going to be sick - weird, but that is just how happy I am to be in this place!!!!

God is so good!!!!!!!

There Must be a Reason

I am still in awe of God's mercy! He his faithful - we just can't give up...ever! Even when the road is long and hope seems distant, he hears us and has a perfect plan in mind.

I will probably never understand why I lost those babies years ago, but I know there must be a reason. There must be a reason why my children will be ten years apart. There must be a reason why my family had to go through a cancer battle when we did. There must be a reason why I had to wait seven years for my prayer to be answered. I may never know what those reasons are, but I know they are there.

As each day passes I am more and more at peace. I still find my mind wandering into places that I don't want it to go every now and then, but I reel it back in by reminding myself that God is in control.

I believe God. I trust that God will see this through until the end. I believe this is our time. I really do!

I am feeling more tired each day. I come home from work and take a nap...every day. I am sleeping great at night too - so that's awesome! I am finding a few other symptoms creeping up. I have heartburn almost always after I eat..anything. This morning I brewed my cup of decaf and when it was all done, I just stared at it...I had no desire whatsoever to drink it. For those of you who know me you know THIS is a BIG DEAL!! Although, I am NOT complaining...I love every minute of it!!!

Sharing the News

I am still so excited and a little bit in shock over our wonderful news...mostly excited though!

Some people may think it a better idea to keep this news private for awhile. But NOT me...obviously! I mean, I do blog for all the world to read.

I have never been one for secrets.

 I know that I may be taking a risk by sharing so early, but I feel like this life should be celebrated even at this early stage! I feel like all I have had to share was bad news regarding this situation in my life for so many year,s so I am going to seize the opportunity to finally share  some GOOD news!
We told our son on Friday. He was over the moon excited!!! He just kept saying "I have been praying and praying for this to happen." Every time he sees me now he asks me how I feel or if I am ok. He walks up to me at random times with a huge smile on his face and just hugs me. This morning he told me he just can't stop being so happy. I love it! I love seeing him so happy - I love that he wants this just as much as we do!

I also decided to share the news on Facebook. I mean so many of my FB friends read my blog anyway - so it was kind of out there already. I promised God that I would shout his praises from the mountain top when I received my miracle so I just kind of thought of Facebook as my mountain.

I am really not worried about the "what ifs" that could happen. I'd be lying if I said I never thought about them. I don't intentionally think about them, but they creep their way in sometimes. I just try to focus on the right now! And right now things are wonderful! I really do believe that God is going to continue to bless this pregnancy. I believe that things are going to be fine!!!

So many people have been praying for me - I just feel like they needed to know that our prayers have been heard and answered!!!!!

As far as the pregnancy front goes...
I  feel good. But, I am so so so tired! Last Saturday I ended up taking a nap and so far this weekend I have taken a nap both days (I'll probably regret that later, but oh well!). I am trying not to over analyze every little thing that is happening to my body...but it isn't working all that well. I probably squeeze my boobs a million times a day just to make sure they are still sore. Weird, I know!!!! To those of us who have experienced infertility or loss, pregnancy symptoms are coveted and respected. I guess we kind of think of it as the more symptoms we have - the more pregnant we are...even though I know that is just crazy. It's crazy to normal people...we aren't all that normal though.

I can't wait for my ultrasound day to get here...it feels forever away. But, I am trying to be patient and taking it one day at a time. do plan to enjoy every moment of this pregnancy. It could be my last and I will not take this amazing experience for granted...not this time!!!

My pregnancy prayer:

Dear Lord,
     THANK YOU for hearing my prayers and granting me this request! I know your timing is perfect! Thank you for giving us the desire of our hearts! Thank you for blessing our family!

I ask you now to continue to bless this pregnancy. Please allow me to stay healthy and provide a safe environment for this baby. Please keep watch over me and guide my steps as this pregnancy progresses. Keep this baby healthy and allow this pregnancy to progress to term. Thank you, Lord!

Please be with those whose hearts still ache for a baby. Lord, please hear their prayers and fill their wombs. Bring them the children that they so deeply desire. Thank you, Lord!

Lord, you are faithful. I am so honored and blessed! Thank you! Thank you! Thank You!!!!!

Amen.

Today Was the Day...

Well....

Today was the day.

Today I went to the doctor for my blood test to see if all of this hoopla has been worth it.

Today was the day that my stomach was in knots as I awaited that phone call that I have received so many times before...but this time it was different.

Today was the day that I got to hear thewords that I have been waiting 7 years to hear...today I heard:

CONGRATULATIONS, YOU'RE PREGNANT!!

Even now just seeing those words on the screen I am in shock! I really am pregnant. I really am pregnant!!!!!!

My HCG level was 153 (anything over 5 is positive, but the higher the better)!! Last time it was an 8 and we all know how that ended, so I am stoked about 153!!!!

Yes, I am still a bit cautious about the future. I know it is very early and our track record has not been great, but I am trusting God! I have a complete peace about this. I am just going to enjoy the "right now."

I will not worry because if you have doubt or worry you are not trusting...I am trusting!

"Do not worry or be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."   Phil 4:6-7
Phil 4:6-7

I can't believe this day has come....I mean I knew it would...I just can't believe that I get to finally say it...

I AM PREGNANT!!!!!!

2 ww Update

Still here in what seems like the longest week of my life...waiting.

Things do seem to be getting a little more interesting, though. I may (or may no)t be having some very promising symptoms.

My you know whats are very sore and becoming more sore every day. Isn't that weird that that makes me happy! I am so tired...I mean so tired. I could take a nap every day and usually I am not a napper. But, again I could still be adjusting to the no caffeine thing. I want to eat everything!!! And, a few days ago I broke out in this really gross looking rash...or what looks like 15 year old girl acne. I have never really had any issues with acne in the past but I have these tiny bumps all over my face, neck, and even my upper back - yuck, I know! But - I googled it (because that's what infertiles do) and wouldn't you know it...there is such a thing a Early Pregnancy Acne - it is even more weird that THAT makes me happy.

Who knows really, but I choose to think of all of these things as GOOD signs!!!

The Dreaded 2WW

I am currently in what we infertiles call the 2 week wait, or the 2ww.

This is the time in between transferring the embryos and finding out if you are knocked up or not. It is also known as the week of hell.

You see, we try to stay busy but then if you get too busy you worry that your are going to ruin the whole shebang. So, you try taking it easy and resting but then you go practically insane from doing nothing but laying around running all of the "what if" scenarios in your head. There is really no win here...well, unless you get to the end of your 2ww and get a BFP (big fat positive)...that, my friends is a freakin win!

During this time it is pretty much impossible not to analyze every little thing that happens to your body. Every feeling, every mood, every yawn, every bathroom break, every thing and anything that we can possibly use to put a check in the pregnant box...we do it!

And if we feel nothing...well then we freak the heck out!

My 2ww symptoms have been almost non-existent. I mean I do feel tired, but I did switch to decaf recently. My bbs hurt a little, but only a little and it could be from all of the hormones that I am taking.  I have had some mild cramping, I mean really mild, and cramps could really go either way. I did develop this rash on my chest, I got the same rash last time during our cycle (and I did get pregnant that time) but it could just be from the drugs also.

The thing is you just have to wait. No matter how many times we google "am I pregnant" or "early pregnancy symptoms" we still aren't going to know until we have a blood test. There is the whole pee on a stick (POAS) thing, but we usually only trust those if they are positive :)

When I sit down and think about it though...nine years ago I was pregnant. I didn't find out I was pregnant until I was about 6 or 7 weeks along and you know what I felt during those 6 or 7 weeks...nadda! I had no idea! So I am trying (kind of unsuccessfully) to just be patient and wait.

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day!

While this day is so happy for many, including me, it is also heart wrenching for many, including me.

So many of us take for granted the fact that we have been chosen to be mothers. We just assume that it is "part of life," but for so many that isn't the case. There are so many women out there who just want to be mothers. They want the very thing that women were designed for - but have not been able to achieve it yet. My heart breaks for those women. I do realize that I am blessed to be a mom, but I still have an emptiness in my heart that can only be filled by becoming a "...joyful mother of children."

My Mother's Day Prayer:

Dearest Heavenly Father,

I humbly come before you and offer all that I am to you and your will. I thank you for the blessing you gave me 9 years ago. I am honored to be called a mother. I pray for forgiveness as I know I have failed so many times. I pray that you will continue to guide me and allow me to be the Godly mother that I should be.

I pray Lord, that you will look upon our family once again and send us another child (or children). Lord, I pray that at this moment life is being formed within my womb. I ask that you grant us this desire that we so desperately seek. Lord, I pray that this pregnancy will be successful and healthy and will result in us bringing a child (or children) into our home soon. Please hear our prayers, Oh lord!

Lord, I pray for the many women who share this desire. I pray that you will hear their prayers and grant them the desires of their hearts. Lord, your word says that "You will settle the barren women in her home as a happy mother of children." Lord, this is my prayer, my cry - please hear it and fulfill this promise for those of us who ask it. Lord, please fill our wombs, our cribs, and our homes with the babies that we so desperately desire.

Lord, I know you have heard my request. I know that your plan for me is good.  I trust that if this is not your will for us then you will bring comfort and guidance to help us find your perfect will.

Amen.


Whew! I am sure that the big Guy follows my blog and will so read this! But - just in case please feel free to pass the word along!!! :)

OK - an update on me:
It is four days post transfer, I am feeling very tired - I would love to attribute this to this pregnancy but it could also be the fact that I have switched to decaf...but just for fun let's go with the pregnancy theory! My bbs (yeah, you know what that means) are also a little sore, also a sign of pregnancy (although with my son I did not have any soreness until much later), but it could also be a side effect of the massive amount of hormones that I am on. My hips and butt are still so sore (from the shots). I have huge knots on my lower back and hips, not to mention a few bruises - it's awesome!

Technically, I am 9 days pregnant...only 271 days to go!!!! Let's just pray that those embies are getting nice and comfy and plan to stay the whole time!!!

Signs

I am a believer of signs. I believe that some times God gives us little glimpses of things, small signs of hope just to keep us hanging on.

I also know that I can pretty much turn anything into a sign - here is an example of me doing that:

Signs that this will be a successful cycle:

- My 9 year old son said so. He said this is the time it is going to work. I believe him.

- It is Spring...eggs hatch in the spring! Spring brings forth new life - it's a rule!

- I intentionally wore a green dress to our transfer today because green is the color for fertility...my husband wore a green shirt as well. BUT - I didn't tell him to wear it and he had no idea about the green fertility connections! It was so green up in there it just has to work!

- Later, when my mother came over to give me my shot (talk about awkward) she said "you know your eyes are really green today...you are supposed to have blue eyes". I think this is a sign that my body is fertile!!! My eyes were telling me so!

- I wear a bracelet that says "I Believe God" - well today as we were walking into the doctor's office the bracelet broke and fell to the ground...in pieces. I believe that this was a sign that I do not need to wear the bracelet anymore because God is fulfilling his promise today! I am sure it had nothing to do with the fact that the wire was frayed and seemed fragile to begin with.

- This is our 3rd try...and well don't they say that the 3rd time's the charm?!?

All signs point to: YES! Don't you agree?? :)

Dreams

Today was our transfer. Things went very well. Our embryos thawed perfectly and were put exactly where they needed to go. Now all we do is...wait.

I hate waiting.

The only good part about waiting is I am on bed rest today and tomorrow. That could potentially be awesome!!! The only down side so far is that my back, butt, and hips are so sore from my injections that laying in bed is not all too comfortable. I am currently laying on a heating pad which seems to be helping.

I realize that what ever happens from this point is out of my hands. I will just trust God and know that his plan for me is good. If this is not his will then I will just have to accept it and move on (I've done it before). It will be hard, but I do believe that if this is a no then there is a better yes!

I have already started the "things I will do if this doesn't work" list. I will start running again, lose weight (wishful thinking), enjoy a glass (and by glass we all know I mean bottle) of wine, and just try to find ways to enjoy the wonderful life that I have. Of course, I'd rather it just go ahead and work this time!!! I just like to prepare for every outcome.

I do find myself thinking about being pregnant more often these days. I envision myself holding a baby that belongs to me. When I day dream it isn't about tropical islands or pool boys...it's about toothless grins and drooly chins. I long to be awoke in the middle of the night by a baby's cry. I am envious of diaper bags and car seats. Even the thought of changing diapers makes me smile. This is my dream and I want it with every fiber of my soul.

Some day this dream will come true. I am not sure how or when but I just know that it will.

What Else Can I Do?

Things are right on schedule. It's 8pm on Friday night and I'm in my PJs already. The medicines must be working!!

I started my first of the "mac daddy" shots today and to my surprise it did not hurt...at first. The actual injection did not hurt at all but here it is four hours later and I have a sore butt cheek. Oh, well...just another part of this life I guess.

This time around things seem a little different (yes, I believe I have said that about every time - but really this time is different). I am not sure what it is but I don't feel the hope and anticipation that I have in the past. I just feel like "if it happens...it happens." I don't feel like it is not going to happen, I just feel like if it doesn't - I'll be ok.

Maybe it is just my past experiences but I find myself thinking "well, if I don't get pregnant at least I will be able to ______." I don't want to think this way - but I think it is just my own little defense mechanism. I am just trying to guard myself from the heartbreak that I know all too well.

I want more than anything to be pregnant, but I am so tired of just wanting it. I am over the negative pregnancy tests and the crazy hormone roller coasters. I want this to happen so badly and I don't understand why it hasn't...but it is what it is. I feel like I am doing all that I can (well, the Chinese food I had tonight was probably pushing it.) What else can I do?

Tonight my fortune cookie said: "If you want something you must work for it." Well, I'm working for it so I know it will come....right??

Paris

The countdown has begun! We are on our way...

I survived my first appointment to begin the FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) cycle...no one even mentioned a word about my weight (YAY). The appointment was quick and my uterus once again looked "perfect."

You know, for all the props my uterus gets from the doctors you'd think she'd be a little bit better at her job!!! I am starting to think I have the uterus of a snobby twenty-something (you know the kind who seem "perfect" but have never had to work a day in their life...they just get dressed up and impress people but really don't ever do anything.) Yes, I believe my uterus is a Paris (as in Hilton). Lucky me, I have a perfectly useless Paris Hilton for a uterus - grrreat!

Well, I am about to tell little miss Paris what's up! She needs to get her act together and start working it before I go all hysterectomy on her!! I mean if your not going to do your job...then who needs you...right???!!

(For the record: I have no intention of ever getting a hysterectomy. I am simply trying to scare my uterus into working. And, yes sadly (like a crazy person), I was saying those words aloud as if my uterus (or Paris) could actually hear me. If my husband ever reads this he will have the proof that he needs to prove I am in fact a crazy nut job...which he swears I am...especially when I am hopped up on hormones...like now.)

Yep, the hormones are in full swing. I have not started the massive shots yet, only the little baby ones - and I can do those in my sleep! I definitely feel a little more hormonal this time around. Maybe it is because it is my third (oh, I hate even saying it) round or maybe it's in my head...I guess either way I'm crazy so it doesn't really matter.

As I mentioned above this is my third IVF, but we already have the embryos so really it is an FET, the hardest part is already done. Well, that's not true. Any infertile will tell you that the hardest part is the WAIT after the implantation. That is definitely the hardest and longest part of it all!

This is actually our sixth assisted fertility attempt. We did three rounds of natural intercourse with medicines before moving on to the hard stuff...but here we are. I have had a few friends make comments about us "trying to hard" or saying that "it must not be God's will". I know they mean well but I want to tell them - HOW THE HECK DO YOU KNOW?! I don't want to want this so badly. I wish I didn't want any more children. I wish I did not have this unfulfilled desire. I wish I could just make the pangs I feel when I see a baby go away...but I can't. I feel it deep within my soul. My heart aches for another baby. I dream about it at night. My child cries from time to time because he wants a brother or a sister. I am trying so hard because when you truly want something you go after it. Yes, I am tired. I am broken. But - my heart still believes that my baby is coming. I can't give up. Not yet.

The truth is: I don't know why I am on this path. I do know that God has a history of being faithful to those who seek him. I believe that this desire is Godly. I believe that he will grant us what we have asked...some day...soon...I hope!

I wish I could say the same for Paris!

The "B" is Back!

Well, we are doing it.

We are going all in (literally) and preparing for our Frozen Embryo Transfer. Yes, in a few weeks we will wake our sweet embies from their frozen slumber and pray like the dickens that they are ready to come home with us.

I am already sick just thinking about it.

I guess it is all of the disappointments that we have faced through out this process, because if I'm being honest - I don't feel all giddy and hopeful as I have before. Maybe I'm just in a slump right now...but I am dreading this whole process.

To begin with I have seriously gained like 9 ponds (HOW DID I DO THAT???) and that alone has left me feeling down and all out crappy. I know that my best chances are when I am eating right and at a good healthy weight yet I allowed myself to pig out on JUNK (and wine if we're being completely honest) and gain almost all that I have lost over the last year. (If you have learned anything about me so far - it should be that I obsess about two things...babies and weight...and I am only good at creating one of them!) I am so not looking forward to that first appointment which will include stepping on the scale.

Then there is this MASSIVE needle that I have to inject into my RUMP...I've heard it hurts like crazy! They say this process is supposed to be less invasive, but that biga$$ needle looks pretty invasive to me!

I haven't even started the hormones yet and I already feel like a crazy person. I don't know why- I just do not feel like myself. I do not want to go through this again...but I'm 34 and the clock is ticking. I am not ready to accept that I will forever have only one child so I am trying to suck it up and go for it. But- what if it ends up like all the others did...then what?

I'm not ready for that. I am not ready to get my heart broken again. I'm not ready to face the grim reality that could be lurking around the corner! I hate this and I hate that I have to go through this over and over again when there are horrible people out there who can procreate like it's their job...AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I hope I can snap out of this funk before the cycle actually begins...they say that attitude has a lot to do with the outcome, although I was pretty upbeat all of the other times and we know how that worked out...so maybe going Full-on-bitch-mode just might do the trick!

(I still believe...I'm just in a bad mood today...sorry! Just be glad you don't live with me!)

I'm Back...and Still Holding On!

Well...I tried letting go.

I have really tried these last few months to just not even think about the whole fertility thing. I stopped taking meds, timing "it", and even avoided the Blog (although, that was mostly because I'm a lazy a$$). Guess what it got me...NOT pregnant!

For for all those people who say "It will happen when you stop trying." Guess what...You're WRONG!

I still thought I was pregnant every month. Seriously, I have thought I was pregnant almost every month for the last 7 years. (and I was once :( That's the thing about infertiles...we always think we're pregnant. We take every sign and twinge and turn it into a symptom...and hope. Sadly, we're wrong...a lot.

I have been really battling with my faith lately. Not my faith in God but my belief that I will have a baby. I have been questioning myself. Even though I feel it in my soul, I know it in my mind and I believe it with all of my heart. I have still be asking myself...what if I'm wrong. What if God only wants me to have one child?? What if I'm done??

It is hard for me to think about those questions. I don't want them to be true. I don't want my wants to not be a part of God's plan. I know God's plan for me is good, but will I ever stop wanting another child??? If this is not his plan...is he ever going to let me in on it??

If this is not his plan, will I just know? Will I feel it? Will I stop wanting it to happen?

I don't know. I don't have any of those answers and I hate that!!

Well, without knowing...I guess all I really have is hope and faith. That is all any of us have really. I guess as long as I have this desire in my heart I will cling to His word that tells me that he will give us the desires of our hearts, even though I know that that is not always the case as I have seen this week. I don't always understand why things happen the way they do. I don't understand why I have been praying and believing for 7 years only to still have an empty crib in my house. I don't understand why it is so easy for some people and it just seems like no matter how hard we try or how close we get we just can't seem to make it happen. I don't understand it!!!! But, I know that God does have a plan and that plan is a good one. I just wish I knew what the heck it was!

I will continue to hope for another child. I will pray daily for God to bless our family and I will not lose faith in what I believe.

I do know that God hears us.