What Else Can I Do?

Things are right on schedule. It's 8pm on Friday night and I'm in my PJs already. The medicines must be working!!

I started my first of the "mac daddy" shots today and to my surprise it did not hurt...at first. The actual injection did not hurt at all but here it is four hours later and I have a sore butt cheek. Oh, well...just another part of this life I guess.

This time around things seem a little different (yes, I believe I have said that about every time - but really this time is different). I am not sure what it is but I don't feel the hope and anticipation that I have in the past. I just feel like "if it happens...it happens." I don't feel like it is not going to happen, I just feel like if it doesn't - I'll be ok.

Maybe it is just my past experiences but I find myself thinking "well, if I don't get pregnant at least I will be able to ______." I don't want to think this way - but I think it is just my own little defense mechanism. I am just trying to guard myself from the heartbreak that I know all too well.

I want more than anything to be pregnant, but I am so tired of just wanting it. I am over the negative pregnancy tests and the crazy hormone roller coasters. I want this to happen so badly and I don't understand why it hasn't...but it is what it is. I feel like I am doing all that I can (well, the Chinese food I had tonight was probably pushing it.) What else can I do?

Tonight my fortune cookie said: "If you want something you must work for it." Well, I'm working for it so I know it will come....right??