Last night I had an epiphany...I realized that I have been going about this all wrong. I have been going to God seeking a baby, but God wants me to go to Him to seek Him...the baby will be a bonus. I have said similar words before - but I really understand them now.
I realize now that God's plan for me is a good one. No matter what the outcome or paths that he may lead me down, I know that ultimately I will be happy. God loves me, he wants only good things for me. I have to let go of my plan. I have to let go of my timeline and just wait...upon the Lord.
I do believe that I will have another child. I believe that a baby is part of God's plan for me, but I need to stop trying to force God's hand. I need to just sit back and watch God work and await his blessings. Even if God does not bring me a baby, I know that if I am in his will I will be happy. (Please understand that even thinking these words is very hard for me - but I know that if I truly trust in God as I say I do then I will be ok!)
I have decided that I am letting go. I am NOT letting go of my dreams, I am just letting go of MY plans. I am letting God have my fertility and I am going to let God take the lead...for once.
I am reading a book called Hannah's Hope, I highly recommend it as it has helped me reach this place. At one point the author asks: Are you seeking a baby more than you are seeking God? Are you seeking God because you want a baby or because you want God? - that is when it hit me!
God knows I want another child. I don't have to keep asking him EVERYDAY!! I know how annoying it can be when my students ask me the same questions over and over and over again...I can only image that that is how God feels about me right now. He probably wants to shout: "I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME!!!"
One of the very first verses I ever learned sums it all up:
"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you..."
Such a simple verse but it tells us if we just seek God everything else will be taken care of. In the past I was seeking a baby and hoping for God...now I will seek God and hope for a baby!
I still believe. I still hope. But, I am letting go and letting God. (please remind me of this in a few days!!)
Wine and Chocolate 5k...and Marathon Man
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