Paris

The countdown has begun! We are on our way...

I survived my first appointment to begin the FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) cycle...no one even mentioned a word about my weight (YAY). The appointment was quick and my uterus once again looked "perfect."

You know, for all the props my uterus gets from the doctors you'd think she'd be a little bit better at her job!!! I am starting to think I have the uterus of a snobby twenty-something (you know the kind who seem "perfect" but have never had to work a day in their life...they just get dressed up and impress people but really don't ever do anything.) Yes, I believe my uterus is a Paris (as in Hilton). Lucky me, I have a perfectly useless Paris Hilton for a uterus - grrreat!

Well, I am about to tell little miss Paris what's up! She needs to get her act together and start working it before I go all hysterectomy on her!! I mean if your not going to do your job...then who needs you...right???!!

(For the record: I have no intention of ever getting a hysterectomy. I am simply trying to scare my uterus into working. And, yes sadly (like a crazy person), I was saying those words aloud as if my uterus (or Paris) could actually hear me. If my husband ever reads this he will have the proof that he needs to prove I am in fact a crazy nut job...which he swears I am...especially when I am hopped up on hormones...like now.)

Yep, the hormones are in full swing. I have not started the massive shots yet, only the little baby ones - and I can do those in my sleep! I definitely feel a little more hormonal this time around. Maybe it is because it is my third (oh, I hate even saying it) round or maybe it's in my head...I guess either way I'm crazy so it doesn't really matter.

As I mentioned above this is my third IVF, but we already have the embryos so really it is an FET, the hardest part is already done. Well, that's not true. Any infertile will tell you that the hardest part is the WAIT after the implantation. That is definitely the hardest and longest part of it all!

This is actually our sixth assisted fertility attempt. We did three rounds of natural intercourse with medicines before moving on to the hard stuff...but here we are. I have had a few friends make comments about us "trying to hard" or saying that "it must not be God's will". I know they mean well but I want to tell them - HOW THE HECK DO YOU KNOW?! I don't want to want this so badly. I wish I didn't want any more children. I wish I did not have this unfulfilled desire. I wish I could just make the pangs I feel when I see a baby go away...but I can't. I feel it deep within my soul. My heart aches for another baby. I dream about it at night. My child cries from time to time because he wants a brother or a sister. I am trying so hard because when you truly want something you go after it. Yes, I am tired. I am broken. But - my heart still believes that my baby is coming. I can't give up. Not yet.

The truth is: I don't know why I am on this path. I do know that God has a history of being faithful to those who seek him. I believe that this desire is Godly. I believe that he will grant us what we have asked...some day...soon...I hope!

I wish I could say the same for Paris!