Saturday, July 31, 2010

I Have Been Blessed!

So, let's see...where were we? Oh, yes still not pregnant and now with an even slimmer (but not impossible) chance of ever getting pregnant. Ugh! This makes me angry.

My husband has now been through two rounds of chemotherapy and is doing amazingly well. I am so inspired by his diligence and attitude. This whole cancer experience has made us get down to the true nitty-gritty of marriage. I now fully understand the phrase "in sickness and in health." I love him more each minute and thank God everyday for him and our son!

With that being said...I must find something to complain about (right?)...

Okay, so here I am 32 years old dreaming about babies at night and spending my days visiting the OC (that will be my new term for sounds way cooler) with my husband. Even though this is my life and I embrace it whole heartily I am going to be completely honest and say that it is not what I expected! I never thought my husband could get sick. I seriously thought I'd have babies coming out of my ears by now. I never imagined that I'd have to fight so hard for the people that I love. But I do. And I will.

And get this...
To make matters worse, the office right next door to the OC is an OBGYN!!! Come on are you freakin' kidding me???!!! Every day as we make our trek to the OC I have to pass by these adorable couples and their precious pregnant bellies. Seriously, every time we go I feel as though I am in a parade of pregnant people, except I am obviously not pregnant so I kind of feel out of place. And angry. Yes, I get very mad at these sweet little pregnant girls. I have no idea why. They have never done anything to me. I just really really don't like them. I kinda want to punch them in the arm (or face) or something, but they are pregnant so I never would (well, that and the fact that I don't know who they are and they are probably really nice people...and I'm really not much of a fighter anyway). I feel like it is so unfair that we have to stop at the OC door and these girls with the bellies get to (smugly) walk right on past and into door number two (the special door, the golden door, the OBGYN). These girls have probably never even considered that their spouse could get sick, they have probably never had to struggle trying to get pregnant. They have probably never spent month after month (years) waiting, praying, and hoping...only to be disappointed. I highly doubt that their entire fertile future sits in some freezer in a doctor's office (not like the break room freezer or anything - I mean like a whole high tech specialty medically purposed freezer). They have probably never lost a baby, much less two.

And then I the heck do I know???? How do I know that there isn't a girl just like me or worse who is finally getting to experience joy? How do I know that these girls have such perfect lives? How do I know if these girls haven't felt the torture and heartache that comes from losing a baby that you have already begun to love. I don't!

I remind myself that there was a time when I too was one of these mythical, perfect, pregnant little girls who had not a care in the world. There was a time before cancer. There was a time before infertility. There was a time when I didn't care as much about the little things in life.

I complain about these many wrongs that have been done to me, but in all honesty they make me realize how much I have taken for granted. They make me realize how precious life truly is. And they make me not want to feel sorry for myself (although if you haven't figured out by now...I still will). They make me value the actual definition of marriage. They make me want to be a better mother. They make me want to love my husband into perfect health. They make me realize that no matter how bad, no matter how dark, no matter how ugly things might get...I have been blessed! And for this I am grateful!

Knowing that life was once grand and glorious also gives me hope. I know that one day I will sit with my cancer-free husband and cradle a baby that belongs to us. When this happens, I will be wiser and older...and I will never take a moment for granted. Because, I know I have most definitely been blessed!

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

No Pressure or Anything!

Vacation is officially the real fun begins!

We recently spent a week in the mountains. We rented a cabin, hiked, went rafting, saw waterfalls, explored caves, and even saw a bear! It was an amazing vacation. The best part about the whole thing was that not once did we talk about fertility or cancer. Not once! We just enjoyed each other. We slept late and played all day. It was glorious!

I must admit, as weird as it sounds, when the vacation was coming to a close...I was actually ready. I think that is the sign of a great vacation. It did it's job (the vacation, I mean)...we had fun, totally escaped reality for a bit, but when it was over we were prepared and ready for the fight that was ahead of us. On the way home I actually started to get excited. Not about cancer, chemo, or the chryopreservation that we were about to encounter, but about being one step closer to being OVER it! I, for the first time, was able to see past all of the crap that lies ahead and see that there is a very bright light at the end of this very dark tunnel.

It became clear to me that our lives were not going to be defined by cancer or infertility...these are just "bumps in the road." Trials and opportunities. I know that we will have a life after cancer, we will also have more children. I know this! Even though it is not going to be an easy road...there is still a road!! We are still in this race! Don't count us out yet!!!

I remind myself everyday of people who are going through way more suckish stuff than we are, it could always be worse. I am thankful for every moment that I have that is considered a "good moment" and even the bad moments can be useful...they help us realize how good the good ones actually are.

In two days my husband will have his port put in...this will be a big day. The day that means this is real...the party is O-fficially starting. It also means that we are on our way to getting past it.

Next Monday is "chryo" day. Wow...for me that one is a little tougher (remember how I like to make things all about me...well, there ya go!). This means that my chances of having a "natural" child are getting very slim (not like they were great before). I honestly am fine if we do have to adopt...I really am. But, is is just knowing that I may only have one shot (literally) at conceiving a child that makes me very anxious.

No pressure or anything, right?