So, let's see...where were we? Oh, yes still not pregnant and now with an even slimmer (but not impossible) chance of ever getting pregnant. Ugh! This makes me angry.
My husband has now been through two rounds of chemotherapy and is doing amazingly well. I am so inspired by his diligence and attitude. This whole cancer experience has made us get down to the true nitty-gritty of marriage. I now fully understand the phrase "in sickness and in health." I love him more each minute and thank God everyday for him and our son!
With that being said...I must find something to complain about (right?)...
Okay, so here I am 32 years old dreaming about babies at night and spending my days visiting the OC (that will be my new term for oncologist...it sounds way cooler) with my husband. Even though this is my life and I embrace it whole heartily I am going to be completely honest and say that it is not what I expected! I never thought my husband could get sick. I seriously thought I'd have babies coming out of my ears by now. I never imagined that I'd have to fight so hard for the people that I love. But I do. And I will.
And get this...
To make matters worse, the office right next door to the OC is an OBGYN!!! Come on are you freakin' kidding me???!!! Every day as we make our trek to the OC I have to pass by these adorable couples and their precious pregnant bellies. Seriously, every time we go I feel as though I am in a parade of pregnant people, except I am obviously not pregnant so I kind of feel out of place. And angry. Yes, I get very mad at these sweet little pregnant girls. I have no idea why. They have never done anything to me. I just really really don't like them. I kinda want to punch them in the arm (or face) or something, but they are pregnant so I never would (well, that and the fact that I don't know who they are and they are probably really nice people...and I'm really not much of a fighter anyway). I feel like it is so unfair that we have to stop at the OC door and these girls with the bellies get to (smugly) walk right on past and into door number two (the special door, the golden door, the OBGYN). These girls have probably never even considered that their spouse could get sick, they have probably never had to struggle trying to get pregnant. They have probably never spent month after month (years) waiting, praying, and hoping...only to be disappointed. I highly doubt that their entire fertile future sits in some freezer in a doctor's office (not like the break room freezer or anything - I mean like a whole high tech specialty medically purposed freezer). They have probably never lost a baby, much less two.
And then I realize...how the heck do I know???? How do I know that there isn't a girl just like me or worse who is finally getting to experience joy? How do I know that these girls have such perfect lives? How do I know if these girls haven't felt the torture and heartache that comes from losing a baby that you have already begun to love. I don't!
I remind myself that there was a time when I too was one of these mythical, perfect, pregnant little girls who had not a care in the world. There was a time before cancer. There was a time before infertility. There was a time when I didn't care as much about the little things in life.
I complain about these many wrongs that have been done to me, but in all honesty they make me realize how much I have taken for granted. They make me realize how precious life truly is. And they make me not want to feel sorry for myself (although if you haven't figured out by now...I still will). They make me value the actual definition of marriage. They make me want to be a better mother. They make me want to love my husband into perfect health. They make me realize that no matter how bad, no matter how dark, no matter how ugly things might get...I have been blessed! And for this I am grateful!
Knowing that life was once grand and glorious also gives me hope. I know that one day I will sit with my cancer-free husband and cradle a baby that belongs to us. When this happens, I will be wiser and older...and I will never take a moment for granted. Because, I know I have most definitely been blessed!
Wine and Chocolate 5k...and Marathon Man
1 year ago