I hate Waiting!

Waiting...that's what we are doing...waiting. I hate waiting!

I am currently scheduled for a c-section on Jan 21st (that's 11 days from now). I know it's not far away, but geesh, I wouldn't mind if he came sooner than that!!! My entire mid section and back are in constant pain. I had no idea one could be so uncomfortable. I don't remember any of this from my first pregnancy...but then again I was only 24! This baby is also breech, maybe that causes a little more discomfort. Or, perhaps it's the fact that this baby is going to be "significantly larger than my last baby" according to the doctor. (Thank God I'm having a c-section!) Either way, I am miserable. (Happily Miserable!)

I am trying not to be impatient. Us infertiles know how annoying it is to hear us cry and complain about not being pregnant and then continue to cry and complain when we do get pregnant. But, infertile or not - this part is PAINFUL!

I am a little more than 38 weeks along. I had already given birth to my first son by now. So, in all reality this is the longest pregnancy I have ever had. (I am sure those of you who have gone past your due date have a word or two for me =) I'm being a baby...I'll admit it.

To be honest though, I feel like I have been waiting for this for years...maybe because I have. It isn't like it's just been the anticipation of a typical 40 week pregnancy. I have literally been waiting to give birth to a child that I have loved in my heart for almost ten years. I have been anticipating the birth of this child for a very very long time.

I would say the waiting has been the hardest part, but really I'm not sure. It could have been the three pregnancy losses, or the cancer (yeah, probably the cancer), or the multiple surgeries and procedures to 'correct' my problems, or the IVF...three times, or the pills, or the hormone shots, or the giant shots in my bum (don't miss those), or the many disappointments along the way, or the financial strain, or the uncertainty...it all sucked actually. But the end result will be beautiful - a baby boy that we have prayed and waited for. A true miracle child...and he will be ours...and he will be here soon. I've come this far...what's 11 more days.

I can wait. I know that. I don't want to...but I
have already proven that I can!

There it is at 38 weeks!

Pregnancy Guilt

If you have read my past posts you may remember one where I was going to chemo with my husband and griping about all of the pregnant girls that were happily on their way to the OB office next door...well this post is for them...kind of.

So, I'm pregnant now. I really and truly have no reason to gripe or complain anymore. I am getting what I wanted and what I have been praying for years. So, why do I still feel sad sometimes? I know why...

Once you have been an infertile your view on pregnancy changes. You have seen the other side and there is no forgetting what the other side looks like. The minute you see those two pink lines you want to rejoice and shout it from the rooftops - and you probably will...but not without a little guilt. You remember the times when your friends have announced their pregnancies and although you were happy for them you may have cried when no one was looking or at least wanted to. You remember asking God "why her and not me" time and time again.

Once you have been an infertile, you have made infertile friends. I don't know how but we find each other. When you become pregnant after being an infertile you feel like you are leaving your infertile friends behind. Or perhaps, even betraying them. I can remember as my infertile friends started getting pregnant or adopting I felt like shouting "whatever happened to No Man Left Behind???"

I remember when I was at a low point during my husband's cancer treatment and I wanted to hate those pregnant girls. I was so mad at these strangers for having something that I wanted to badly. And I realize that I am now one of those pregnant girls. I am the one that someone wants to hate and be mad at. So, I am sorry pregnant girls that I didn't even know. I was really never mad at you and I certainly never hated you...I just wanted your babies. (Well, that didn't really come out right...but you know what I mean...I hope.)

Those who have been blessed with not having to face infertility don't really get how lonely and sad it can be. Pregnancy is just something that happens. But not for us.

I want to show off my belly and tell everyone I see (yes, even strangers on the street) and I might (well not the part about the strangers). But, every now and then I remind myself that someone out there might be where I was just months ago. Someone might look at my pregnant belly and tell me how happy they are and then hide in their car and cry for an hour. I try to remind myself that even when I don't mean for it to, my good news can be heartbreaking for some.

It isn't fair, really. But it is part of The Secret Life of the Infertile. Pregnancies come with beautiful bouncing babies and a side of guilt.

To all of my infertile friends I can only say this...Don't give up!!! If you want it there is a way to make it happen! I have no idea how we were able to afford IVF (3 times) but we were. God provided when we asked him to. Please don't give up on your dream of being a mother!!! It is a dream worth chasing!

Playing the Numbers

There are moments when I almost forget that I am pregnant. Sometimes it just doesn't seem real.

But I know it is.

I think about how long I have wanted this and sometimes I can't believe that it finally happened. It may not have happened the way I had originally planned, but it happened nonetheless. And for that I thank God every day!

When I think back to when I started this blog I realize that so much has happened over these last few years. I never thought I'd go through 6 fertility treatments and never would  have thought that 3 of them would be IVF. I certainly never thought that my very healthy husband would ever be diagnosed with cancer either. Wow has it been a ride!

We have been through a lot, but it has brought us to this place...a very good and happy place. Even before the pregnancy I could list a lot of good things that had come from all of those bad situations. This baby is just the blessing within the blessings!

I recently went to my specialty OB. I will see a regular OB, but will see a specialist throughout the pregnancy as well. During the visit I had to sit with a nurse and go through all of my medical history. I knew it would come up eventually but I really wasn't prepared for it. What you ask??? Well, this question...

So, how many pregnancies have you had?

I sat there frozen for a few seconds (there may have even been crickets chirping) because I really wasn't sure what to say. Actually, that's a lie. I knew what to say...I just didn't want to say it.

Five.

That's how many times I have been pregnant now. Five. I don't know many people who have been pregnant five times. And most of the ones I do know have that many kids.

This whole "five" thing would be part of the reason why I will see a specialist.

Even though 3 of my pregnancies did not work out - I am grateful for all of them. I produced a life and even though that life was short lived it was still here and it belonged to me.

In the beginning I thought I would be a nervous wreck throughout this pregnancy, but I really haven't been. I have said this before but I have just had a peace the whole time. Even from the beginning of the IVF cycle I just knew that this time everything was going to be ok!

During my doctor visit we got to see Snow Pea through a 4D ultrasound. That was ahhhhmazing! I could not believe it but even at 13 weeks it looked like a real baby. The baby was perfect and healthy. There were no markers for Downs or Trisomy - not bad for my 33 year old eggs!!! Oh, this brings me to another weird part of the medical history interview...

So, I'm 34 years old. I have been 34 since my last birthday in March (just clarifying). At one point the nurse asked me how old I was and I told her, she then asked me how old my eggs were at the time of the IVF. Duhhh, 34 I said (again). I thought this was really a dumb question...but then I remembered. This egg was on the lay-away plan. This guy was fertilized and frozen back in November...so really my eggs were a year younger than me. They were in fact 33. Science can be really confusing.

I will go to my regular OB doctor on Tuesday...since it is 12:17 am that's tomorrow. Then I suppose it will just be monthly visits...like regular folks.

I'm happy to finally be a regular folk!

To Pee or not to Pee???

So I am currently 4dp5dt (in English that means 4 days past 5 day transfer). I have done pretty good trying not to obsess about it. I have kept busy and have spent some quality time with my son!

I, of course, think I am pregnant (there is not an infertile in the world who does not think she is pregnant after a treatment cycle). I feel pregnant. I have had a few signs that could absolutely point to pregnancy. They could also be the side effects of the massive amounts of hormones that I am on - but I choose to believe the pregnancy theory!

One thing is for sure - I am eating junk food like it's my job. I know I am not supposed to be doing that...It all relates back to that whole emotional eater thing I have going on. I have considered going out for a walk or a bike ride instead of stuffing my face - but really food sounds and looks so good right now!

I am currently having an internal debate regarding whether or not I should take a home pregnancy test. Last time we did IVF - I did not. I just waited for the blood test...we all know how that turned out. The thing with HPTs is that I could take it too early and it might not detect what it needs to in order to give an accurate result. Which I think is a good thing...because if it were to be negative...I really don't have to accept that as a definitive answer. But...then I again I guess that would work the same way if it were to say positive...hmmm.

Here is the thing...I believe that this is the path that God has set us on. I believe that this is what he has for me. I am not hopeful or wishful. I am faithful. I KNOW it IS going to happen...I hope it is now! I think it is now! I want it to be now!

I will admit that yesterday I went to the drug store with the sole intention of buying a HPT...when I found, to my surprise, that they had them locked up behind a glass cabinet. What??? So I went to the pharmacist to ask him to open it but chickened out when I saw that they had replaced the old man pharmacist with a super young Abercrombie model!! What the??? Isn't there like an age requirement for dealing with super important medicines and such. And people that hot shouldn't also get to be smart...totally not fair...or rather greedy on their part. Anyway - I don't know what came over me...it is not like I am shy when it comes to my fertility. I think I allowed myself to chicken out because I am still not sure if I want to pee on a stick or not!

Now that is a dilemma that I bet most (normal) people don't have! (It's just another part of The Secret Life of the Infertile!)

Waiting Game

So...

We are now implanted...here is how it went down.

We arrived at the doctor's office the day of our IVF transfer at 8am. It was a Sunday, 5 days after the "egg hunt" (so, really what I am trying to say is that I had to get up way too early on my day off). When we arrived at the building we found the front entry door locked. At first I didn't worry about it - we were a bit early. But, as the time of my appointment kept creeping closer I started to get a little nervous. I made my husband try to pry the doors open - when that didn't work I started to panic. I called the answering service and in a few short minutes someone was down to let us in. Crisis averted!!

So, there we were in the room, ready to get the party started. After about 30 minutes I remembered that I had Valium in my purse - but I couldn't remember when I was supposed to take it. I made my husband run down the nurse and ask her...apparently I was supposed to take it on the way to the appointment - oh, well. It was taken regardless. So, after the Valium I realize that this situation is really not all that different from who it would have normally went down: I had on a slutty shirt (coincidence), no pants, the lights were dim, and I was half drunk...perfect baby making conditions ( it works for 16 year olds on prom night).

Once the doctor came in and got things rolling it really didn't take that long. We had a total of 8 embryos. We had 2 really good mature blastocysts so we went with those two. I even have a picture of them. I watched the doctor insert 2 tiny baby cell-balls (cell balls is a technical term...and it makes me laugh) into my uterus via a flat screen television hanging from the ceiling - my how things have changed for us!

After the transfer I had to lie still for 20 minutes - that wasn't hard with the Valium. Except for the fact that I was afraid to go to sleep for fear that I might pee my pants (not that I was wearing any) - did I mention that they have to do the transfer with a FULL bladder. The doctor even had me go to the bathroom and empty "2 cups" from my bladder (ever tried to do that???) and it was still FULL!!!!!!!!

On the way home I had an insatiable craving for Arby's - which just adds to my whole drunk 16 year old theory. We are so having a baby!!!!

It has been about a week since the transfer. A day has not gone by that someone hasn't asked "so...when will you know??" Yeah, I probably could have kept this whole situation to myself and wouldn't have to deal with that question - but I mean I blog (about my reproductive system)...I am not exactly a private person. Besides, I appreciate having so many supporters in my life. But - my answer to EVERYONE who asks when I will know is "in a couple of weeks." I don't want to give an exact date - that is just way too much pressure.

This brings us to...waiting...and praying. I have so much faith that THIS is going to work. I feel like this is God's plan for my life. I just have to...wait.

The best news is that my husband is DONE with chemo...forever!!!!! He is cancer free and we are so looking forward to our life after cancer - I KNOW that it includes a baby (or two).

I Have Been Blessed!

So, let's see...where were we? Oh, yes still not pregnant and now with an even slimmer (but not impossible) chance of ever getting pregnant. Ugh! This makes me angry.

My husband has now been through two rounds of chemotherapy and is doing amazingly well. I am so inspired by his diligence and attitude. This whole cancer experience has made us get down to the true nitty-gritty of marriage. I now fully understand the phrase "in sickness and in health." I love him more each minute and thank God everyday for him and our son!

With that being said...I must find something to complain about (right?)...

Okay, so here I am 32 years old dreaming about babies at night and spending my days visiting the OC (that will be my new term for oncologist...it sounds way cooler) with my husband. Even though this is my life and I embrace it whole heartily I am going to be completely honest and say that it is not what I expected! I never thought my husband could get sick. I seriously thought I'd have babies coming out of my ears by now. I never imagined that I'd have to fight so hard for the people that I love. But I do. And I will.

And get this...
To make matters worse, the office right next door to the OC is an OBGYN!!! Come on are you freakin' kidding me???!!! Every day as we make our trek to the OC I have to pass by these adorable couples and their precious pregnant bellies. Seriously, every time we go I feel as though I am in a parade of pregnant people, except I am obviously not pregnant so I kind of feel out of place. And angry. Yes, I get very mad at these sweet little pregnant girls. I have no idea why. They have never done anything to me. I just really really don't like them. I kinda want to punch them in the arm (or face) or something, but they are pregnant so I never would (well, that and the fact that I don't know who they are and they are probably really nice people...and I'm really not much of a fighter anyway). I feel like it is so unfair that we have to stop at the OC door and these girls with the bellies get to (smugly) walk right on past and into door number two (the special door, the golden door, the OBGYN). These girls have probably never even considered that their spouse could get sick, they have probably never had to struggle trying to get pregnant. They have probably never spent month after month (years) waiting, praying, and hoping...only to be disappointed. I highly doubt that their entire fertile future sits in some freezer in a doctor's office (not like the break room freezer or anything - I mean like a whole high tech specialty medically purposed freezer). They have probably never lost a baby, much less two.

And then I realize...how the heck do I know???? How do I know that there isn't a girl just like me or worse who is finally getting to experience joy? How do I know that these girls have such perfect lives? How do I know if these girls haven't felt the torture and heartache that comes from losing a baby that you have already begun to love. I don't!

I remind myself that there was a time when I too was one of these mythical, perfect, pregnant little girls who had not a care in the world. There was a time before cancer. There was a time before infertility. There was a time when I didn't care as much about the little things in life.

I complain about these many wrongs that have been done to me, but in all honesty they make me realize how much I have taken for granted. They make me realize how precious life truly is. And they make me not want to feel sorry for myself (although if you haven't figured out by now...I still will). They make me value the actual definition of marriage. They make me want to be a better mother. They make me want to love my husband into perfect health. They make me realize that no matter how bad, no matter how dark, no matter how ugly things might get...I have been blessed! And for this I am grateful!

Knowing that life was once grand and glorious also gives me hope. I know that one day I will sit with my cancer-free husband and cradle a baby that belongs to us. When this happens, I will be wiser and older...and I will never take a moment for granted. Because, I know I have most definitely been blessed!

The Secret Life of the Infertile

As I type this I am internally contemplating whether or not I should...and the winner is...I should, well, maybe not should but will!

This is a blog about infertility and why it sucks! If you are reading this I am assuming that you too have dealt with the subject or perhaps are just really really bored! So get ready...this is my story, the good, the bad, and the really-really gross!!

In the Beginning
Six years ago (almost seven really) I became a mother. No drugs, no tricks (well, that depends on what one classifies as "tricks"), no blogs...just good old fashioned conception. Viola! There he was, after 21 hours of labor and a last minute C-section...that is. Not really the heavenly lights shining down upon me and the Angels singing kind of experience I had expected, but I was a mother nonetheless. Fifteen months after giving birth I found myself unexpectedly "knocked up" again. After the initial shock dissipated, we were really happy. Being that there is a five year age difference between my siblings and I, I was excited to have children close together. Happiness eventually turned to horror when I lost the pregnancy. I cried, I grieved, I ate a lot of Cheetos, but eventually I healed and moved on with my life. Almost two years later, after only a few months of trying I saw those glorious double lines once again! Oh, but the happiness did not last long I miscarried at 10 weeks, and again with the Cheetos...wha-wha-whaaaaaaaaa! This time I was severely pissed. I was angry at everyone, my doctor, my husband, my job, the mail man. I expected the whole town to shut down and grieve for my loss, even though very few people even knew I was pregnant. I still thought I deserved some kind of memorial for having to go through such suckish circumstances. This one took a little longer to get over, especially when people heard about what happened. You see, I live in a really small town. (No, really a very small town) Word travels fast around here, and for the most part people where very kind and sympathetic to my situation...for the MOST PART. However, there are those few people who should not be gifted with the ability to speak who had the audacity to say to me "do they know what is wrong with you?" WHAT? Are you kidding me?? Since then I have come to realize that when you have 1 miscarriage people feel sorry for you and try to make you feel better, but when you have more than 1 you are instantly a member of this "they have problems" club. It's like you have a disease and people what to know what it is and how they can keep from getting it. I had friends who didn't want to talk about the subject of pregnancy around me because they thought I would jinx them or something. It is not contagious people...at least not from one person to another.

The Fertility Train
So here I am 3 years later...still not pregnant, but no more miscarriages so that's a plus!?! I am so blessed to have one son, he is wonderful and perfect, and I know this!! But, I deeply desire (with every fiber of my being) more children. I originally wanted 4, I'm Italian so it's kind of my job to have a big family. We have been trying to conceive (ttc in message board lingo) for 3 years...with no luck obviously. Last September AF came to visit as she does every month, however she apparently had decided that a "visit" just wasn't long enough so she moved herself on in...and stayed for 40 days!!!!! Yes, 40 days!!! A whole new kind of flood! (you see, this is the really-really gross part). I ended up having to go on medication to get her to go on her merry way and then began seeing a specialist, a "reproductive endocrinologist" to be exact. So, I guess that nosey old lady was right, there really was something wrong with me.

After lots of tests, and surgery I found out that I have Poly cystic Ovary Syndrome(PCOS), or just "jacked up ovaries" as I like to call them. I am only 31, what the heck?? I should not have fertility issues!!! My husband, who is 10 years older than me, passed his test (and you know what kind of test I am talking about) with flying colors! In fact, when the doctor gave us his results he mentioned that my husband may even want to put them on the refrigerator for display. I believe, "you could give some 20 year olds a run for their money," were his exact words.

So here I am, on my 3rd round of Fertility drugs, blogging about it, and on a special low carb diet - Awesome!

(Warning if I run into you and you have a sandwich there is a strong possibility that one of us will not walk away from the situation, there is an even stronger possibility that that person will not be me...I'm frustrated, on hormones, and hungry...watch the eff out America!)