Well, it is that time again. Time to pick up the pieces after another failed cycle and move on. Usually I do this with a carrot cake but not this time.
For the first time, I do not feel the need to punish myself with the guilt trip that usually follows my failed-fertility junkfoodpalooza. Nope, this time I want to make things better. It helps that I did not gain a single pound this go-round. (How in the world I managed that - I have no idea!) I want to keep the momentum going!! I don't feel the desire to self-sabotage as I did in the past...perhaps this goes along with that unexplainable peace thing!
I do, however, have the desire to do all of the things that are "forbidden" during a fertility cycle...I want to drink a glass of wine while taking a steaming HOT bubble bath. And then have a cup of REAL coffee - followed by a heavily caffeinated soft drink while sitting in a hot tub! Take that Preggos!! (sorry...I guess there is still a tad bit of bitterness in there somewhere:)
It is funny how you analyze EVERYTHING that you do during a fertility cycle, or when your newly pregnant for that matter. I can't tell you how many times I thought I was going to screw things up by doing normal everyday stuff. Even the day of my transfer we were late because I analyzed what I should wear to the appointment! I changed outfits three or four times...it went kind of like this:
Outfit 1 - sweats and t-shirt, I looked at myself and thought "nope too desperate" (like the embryos were going to take one look at me and head for the hills)
Outfit 2 - jeans, shirt, heels, I was seriously thinking it would work better if I looked "cute" but changed my mind when I realized that I was going to be basically naked when the real show started and this just involved too much taking off and putting back on
Outfit 3 - yoga pants and t-shirt, I realized it was the exact same outfit I wore to my last transfer (yes I remember what I was wearing one year ago - it was kind of a big deal then too)...fearing I would bring bad "ju-ju" with me I ripped those clothes off so fast I tore a hole in the shirt.
Outfit 4 - different yoga pants, different tee - needless to say if I ever do this again I will NOT wear yoga pants to my transfer (apparently they are cursed)!!!!
One good thing about moving on is NO MORE STRESSING OUT ABOUT EVERYTHING! I guess I can take solace in the fact that for a few months at least - I can try to be (or pretend to be) normal! Depending on your definition of normal, of course!
Even though I did not get what I wanted out of this deal, I am still hopeful that I will one day. Until then, I will just keep moving on...
Wine and Chocolate 5k...and Marathon Man
1 year ago