Friday, March 16, 2012

I'm Back...and Still Holding On!

Well...I tried letting go.

I have really tried these last few months to just not even think about the whole fertility thing. I stopped taking meds, timing "it", and even avoided the Blog (although, that was mostly because I'm a lazy a$$). Guess what it got me...NOT pregnant!

For for all those people who say "It will happen when you stop trying." Guess what...You're WRONG!

I still thought I was pregnant every month. Seriously, I have thought I was pregnant almost every month for the last 7 years. (and I was once :( That's the thing about infertiles...we always think we're pregnant. We take every sign and twinge and turn it into a symptom...and hope. Sadly, we're wrong...a lot.

I have been really battling with my faith lately. Not my faith in God but my belief that I will have a baby. I have been questioning myself. Even though I feel it in my soul, I know it in my mind and I believe it with all of my heart. I have still be asking myself...what if I'm wrong. What if God only wants me to have one child?? What if I'm done??

It is hard for me to think about those questions. I don't want them to be true. I don't want my wants to not be a part of God's plan. I know God's plan for me is good, but will I ever stop wanting another child??? If this is not his he ever going to let me in on it??

If this is not his plan, will I just know? Will I feel it? Will I stop wanting it to happen?

I don't know. I don't have any of those answers and I hate that!!

Well, without knowing...I guess all I really have is hope and faith. That is all any of us have really. I guess as long as I have this desire in my heart I will cling to His word that tells me that he will give us the desires of our hearts, even though I know that that is not always the case as I have seen this week. I don't always understand why things happen the way they do. I don't understand why I have been praying and believing for 7 years only to still have an empty crib in my house. I don't understand why it is so easy for some people and it just seems like no matter how hard we try or how close we get we just can't seem to make it happen. I don't understand it!!!! But, I know that God does have a plan and that plan is a good one. I just wish I knew what the heck it was!

I will continue to hope for another child. I will pray daily for God to bless our family and I will not lose faith in what I believe.

I do know that God hears us.