The "B" is Back!

Well, we are doing it.

We are going all in (literally) and preparing for our Frozen Embryo Transfer. Yes, in a few weeks we will wake our sweet embies from their frozen slumber and pray like the dickens that they are ready to come home with us.

I am already sick just thinking about it.

I guess it is all of the disappointments that we have faced through out this process, because if I'm being honest - I don't feel all giddy and hopeful as I have before. Maybe I'm just in a slump right now...but I am dreading this whole process.

To begin with I have seriously gained like 9 ponds (HOW DID I DO THAT???) and that alone has left me feeling down and all out crappy. I know that my best chances are when I am eating right and at a good healthy weight yet I allowed myself to pig out on JUNK (and wine if we're being completely honest) and gain almost all that I have lost over the last year. (If you have learned anything about me so far - it should be that I obsess about two things...babies and weight...and I am only good at creating one of them!) I am so not looking forward to that first appointment which will include stepping on the scale.

Then there is this MASSIVE needle that I have to inject into my RUMP...I've heard it hurts like crazy! They say this process is supposed to be less invasive, but that biga$$ needle looks pretty invasive to me!

I haven't even started the hormones yet and I already feel like a crazy person. I don't know why- I just do not feel like myself. I do not want to go through this again...but I'm 34 and the clock is ticking. I am not ready to accept that I will forever have only one child so I am trying to suck it up and go for it. But- what if it ends up like all the others did...then what?

I'm not ready for that. I am not ready to get my heart broken again. I'm not ready to face the grim reality that could be lurking around the corner! I hate this and I hate that I have to go through this over and over again when there are horrible people out there who can procreate like it's their job...AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I hope I can snap out of this funk before the cycle actually begins...they say that attitude has a lot to do with the outcome, although I was pretty upbeat all of the other times and we know how that worked out...so maybe going Full-on-bitch-mode just might do the trick!

(I still believe...I'm just in a bad mood today...sorry! Just be glad you don't live with me!)