I hate Waiting!

Waiting...that's what we are doing...waiting. I hate waiting!

I am currently scheduled for a c-section on Jan 21st (that's 11 days from now). I know it's not far away, but geesh, I wouldn't mind if he came sooner than that!!! My entire mid section and back are in constant pain. I had no idea one could be so uncomfortable. I don't remember any of this from my first pregnancy...but then again I was only 24! This baby is also breech, maybe that causes a little more discomfort. Or, perhaps it's the fact that this baby is going to be "significantly larger than my last baby" according to the doctor. (Thank God I'm having a c-section!) Either way, I am miserable. (Happily Miserable!)

I am trying not to be impatient. Us infertiles know how annoying it is to hear us cry and complain about not being pregnant and then continue to cry and complain when we do get pregnant. But, infertile or not - this part is PAINFUL!

I am a little more than 38 weeks along. I had already given birth to my first son by now. So, in all reality this is the longest pregnancy I have ever had. (I am sure those of you who have gone past your due date have a word or two for me =) I'm being a baby...I'll admit it.

To be honest though, I feel like I have been waiting for this for years...maybe because I have. It isn't like it's just been the anticipation of a typical 40 week pregnancy. I have literally been waiting to give birth to a child that I have loved in my heart for almost ten years. I have been anticipating the birth of this child for a very very long time.

I would say the waiting has been the hardest part, but really I'm not sure. It could have been the three pregnancy losses, or the cancer (yeah, probably the cancer), or the multiple surgeries and procedures to 'correct' my problems, or the IVF...three times, or the pills, or the hormone shots, or the giant shots in my bum (don't miss those), or the many disappointments along the way, or the financial strain, or the uncertainty...it all sucked actually. But the end result will be beautiful - a baby boy that we have prayed and waited for. A true miracle child...and he will be ours...and he will be here soon. I've come this far...what's 11 more days.

I can wait. I know that. I don't want to...but I
have already proven that I can!

There it is at 38 weeks!

Should We Tell Him?

Someone recently asked me if I am going to tell the baby how he was conceived...when he is older of course.

Honestly, I had never thought about it. I mean I am not shy or ashamed about going through IVF. I feel like it was an honor to be a part of something so miraculous. But...do people who conceive the "regular" way tell their children??? I mean, does a mom sit down with her son and say, "on the night you were conceived mommy had over indulged in some blackberry Merlot, and it was daddy's birthday, so we parked behind the Pic-n-Save..."

Probably not.

I will probably tell my son about how he came into this world...one day. But, I don't feel like the rules are different just because we had to go the IVF route. I want him to know how long we prayed and how much we wanted him. I also want him to know how much money he cost us - oh yeah, that will be thrown out there more than once, I'm sure! (kidding...sort of) I certainly don't feel obligated to tell him though.

The thing with IVF is - you don't really get it until you have had to go down that road. I don't think anyone would choose this as a way of conceiving unless they had to. I mean, it is not exactly fun. Or cheap. It involves a lot of painful procedures, expensive medicines, lots and lots of time and emotions, and it is not at all romantic. I prayed that one day I would just wake up pregnant, but that didn't happen. So, this was the path that we chose. I don't regret it. And, I am not at all ashamed of it.

I find myself telling anyone who asks (and even some who don't) about it. I want people to understand that it should not matter how this precious sweet baby boy gets here...just that he gets here, period!

This is Liam...5 days after fertilization (and several months in a freezer)...this, my friends, is what a miracle looks like!

Unexplainable Peace

I am sitting here today in an empty house...and it is kind of peaceful! I am feeling better both physically and emotionally. I really can't explain the peace that I have right now. I am still sad - I cry every now and then. I was just cleaning my bath tub and tears just started rolling...but that was kind of happening already so at least now I have a reason for it. But overall, I am ok. My heart is at peace...real peace. The kind that can't be explained! The kind that can only come from God.

I know that we will bring another child (or children) into our home and our family. I know that I will be a mother again. I will never give up on that. God put the desire in my heart to be a "...joyful mother of children" (Psalm 113:9) and that I will be one day.

My faith is even renewed a little and I am excited about what God has in store for me. I mean if a perfect IVF cycle was not his plan then he must have something truly amazing in mind.

I know that the empty crib in my home will one day hold a baby. I do not doubt that at all. I can't explain it...I just know!

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

To Pee or not to Pee???

So I am currently 4dp5dt (in English that means 4 days past 5 day transfer). I have done pretty good trying not to obsess about it. I have kept busy and have spent some quality time with my son!

I, of course, think I am pregnant (there is not an infertile in the world who does not think she is pregnant after a treatment cycle). I feel pregnant. I have had a few signs that could absolutely point to pregnancy. They could also be the side effects of the massive amounts of hormones that I am on - but I choose to believe the pregnancy theory!

One thing is for sure - I am eating junk food like it's my job. I know I am not supposed to be doing that...It all relates back to that whole emotional eater thing I have going on. I have considered going out for a walk or a bike ride instead of stuffing my face - but really food sounds and looks so good right now!

I am currently having an internal debate regarding whether or not I should take a home pregnancy test. Last time we did IVF - I did not. I just waited for the blood test...we all know how that turned out. The thing with HPTs is that I could take it too early and it might not detect what it needs to in order to give an accurate result. Which I think is a good thing...because if it were to be negative...I really don't have to accept that as a definitive answer. But...then I again I guess that would work the same way if it were to say positive...hmmm.

Here is the thing...I believe that this is the path that God has set us on. I believe that this is what he has for me. I am not hopeful or wishful. I am faithful. I KNOW it IS going to happen...I hope it is now! I think it is now! I want it to be now!

I will admit that yesterday I went to the drug store with the sole intention of buying a HPT...when I found, to my surprise, that they had them locked up behind a glass cabinet. What??? So I went to the pharmacist to ask him to open it but chickened out when I saw that they had replaced the old man pharmacist with a super young Abercrombie model!! What the??? Isn't there like an age requirement for dealing with super important medicines and such. And people that hot shouldn't also get to be smart...totally not fair...or rather greedy on their part. Anyway - I don't know what came over me...it is not like I am shy when it comes to my fertility. I think I allowed myself to chicken out because I am still not sure if I want to pee on a stick or not!

Now that is a dilemma that I bet most (normal) people don't have! (It's just another part of The Secret Life of the Infertile!)

Infertile Hell

Over the last 24 hours I have literally put myself in INFERTILE HELL!

First, I attended a baby shower last night (that in it self is hell for an infertile) but this was no ordinary baby shower - there was not one pregnant belly, not two pregnant bellies, not even three...there were 4 beautiful pregnant bellies...F-O-U-R!!! It just so happens that I have 4 pregnant friends and they were all in one place last night. The thing is, I love them - and I promise you I am happy for them. I really really am. But, I am honestly and completely jealous of them! I am jealous of their morning sickness, swollen ankles, stretch marks, and extreme fatigue...I am jealous of every minute of it! I try not to be. I keep telling myself that I should be happy with what I have - and I am. But I also want a pregnant belly of my own. I want my friends to gather and celebrate the birth of my next child - I want a sibling for my son. I don't want to be the secretly sad girl that everyone feels sorry for at the next baby shower.

Oh, and to make my first stop in Infertile Hell a real hoot - I decided that I would stick to my diet and forgo the wine that was readily available - why did I do that?? (note to self: next time you are at a baby shower...TIP IT!!!)

The ride is not over yet.

Next stop - Fertility Doctor...

So, we went back to the doctor today. Finally decided to sit down with him and take a look at what went wrong with our IVF cycle. Here's the kicker...

nothing went wrong. Everything was exactly perfect!!!

Yep -

eggs - perfect!
uterus - perfect!
sperm - perfect!

He basically said that I had a 60-70 percent chance of getting pregnant and he has no friggin' clue as to why I didn't!

PERFECT!

Everything that needed to happen for the cycle to be successful happened. I believe he even called it "textbook". Geesh! I guess that is what I get for being the Infertile Goddess!! I do have a reputation to uphold.

I think I was better off not knowing the truth. In my mind it didn't work because there was some terrible medical mix up and the doctors were going to make it up to me by throwing in a fresh IVF cycle - on the house!!!

There is some good news though...my husband is making a FULL recovery (if you know what I mean) from the chemotherapy! Things are looking good!!

Also - on the note of good news...I am down 9 lbs!!! I still have about 15 to go - but YAY, it's a start!

I am ready to say goodbye to this placed called Infertile Hell - and I have no interest in sending post cards!!!

Next stop...Fertileville!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Waiting Game

So...

We are now implanted...here is how it went down.

We arrived at the doctor's office the day of our IVF transfer at 8am. It was a Sunday, 5 days after the "egg hunt" (so, really what I am trying to say is that I had to get up way too early on my day off). When we arrived at the building we found the front entry door locked. At first I didn't worry about it - we were a bit early. But, as the time of my appointment kept creeping closer I started to get a little nervous. I made my husband try to pry the doors open - when that didn't work I started to panic. I called the answering service and in a few short minutes someone was down to let us in. Crisis averted!!

So, there we were in the room, ready to get the party started. After about 30 minutes I remembered that I had Valium in my purse - but I couldn't remember when I was supposed to take it. I made my husband run down the nurse and ask her...apparently I was supposed to take it on the way to the appointment - oh, well. It was taken regardless. So, after the Valium I realize that this situation is really not all that different from who it would have normally went down: I had on a slutty shirt (coincidence), no pants, the lights were dim, and I was half drunk...perfect baby making conditions ( it works for 16 year olds on prom night).

Once the doctor came in and got things rolling it really didn't take that long. We had a total of 8 embryos. We had 2 really good mature blastocysts so we went with those two. I even have a picture of them. I watched the doctor insert 2 tiny baby cell-balls (cell balls is a technical term...and it makes me laugh) into my uterus via a flat screen television hanging from the ceiling - my how things have changed for us!

After the transfer I had to lie still for 20 minutes - that wasn't hard with the Valium. Except for the fact that I was afraid to go to sleep for fear that I might pee my pants (not that I was wearing any) - did I mention that they have to do the transfer with a FULL bladder. The doctor even had me go to the bathroom and empty "2 cups" from my bladder (ever tried to do that???) and it was still FULL!!!!!!!!

On the way home I had an insatiable craving for Arby's - which just adds to my whole drunk 16 year old theory. We are so having a baby!!!!

It has been about a week since the transfer. A day has not gone by that someone hasn't asked "so...when will you know??" Yeah, I probably could have kept this whole situation to myself and wouldn't have to deal with that question - but I mean I blog (about my reproductive system)...I am not exactly a private person. Besides, I appreciate having so many supporters in my life. But - my answer to EVERYONE who asks when I will know is "in a couple of weeks." I don't want to give an exact date - that is just way too much pressure.

This brings us to...waiting...and praying. I have so much faith that THIS is going to work. I feel like this is God's plan for my life. I just have to...wait.

The best news is that my husband is DONE with chemo...forever!!!!! He is cancer free and we are so looking forward to our life after cancer - I KNOW that it includes a baby (or two).