Vacation...Sort of

I can't believe I'm about to say this but....Liam is SIX months old today!!!

What?? How can that be??!!

There are times that I can't believe this is all really happening...and happening so fast! Of course, it didn't feel fast when we were waiting for our miracle. It didn't feel fast when Troy was going through chemo, and it didn't feel fast when we had to wait two weeks to find out if were we pregnant or not...no, that all went by really really slow!

Liam Jaimson, 6 months old today!

But the good stuff...that just flies by. So. Not. Fair.

We have had a relatively good six months. It was a rocky start, but pretty awesome right now! Liam is out of his fussy phase and seems to only cry when he is hungry or sleepy. He goes to bed like a champ every night by 8:30. I wouldn't mind if he stayed up later but he is ready (and let's us know it) by then. Sometimes I can tell he is sleepy by 7:30 and I try everything to keep him up until at least 8:00. He doesn't take long day time naps, so I guess that is why he is ready for bed so early. He still wakes up once a night. I thought we were out of that, but NOPE - I was wrong. I am not sure if I am ready for hardcore sleep-training or not, so for now I will just schlep up the stairs in the middle of the night for a feeding and pray to God that I don't fall down them afterwards. It is working so far.

We went on a short out of town trip last weekend. It was the second time we have stayed in a hotel with Liam. The first time he was only 10 weeks old. We decided to try and do something fun over Spring Break - for Ben. Well, it was fun...for Ben. Liam was still pretty fussy then but he did okay considering (I can't remember if I blogged about it or not). Mom and dad were pretty much a nervous wreck the whole time. This trip was a much longer car ride (almost 5 hours), he actually did great in the car! The hotel stay was different. He stayed up way past his bed time and had a really hard time getting to sleep. He screamed for almost an hour straight - believe me...I tried everything. I had already heard the people in the room next to us earlier in the day (we had one of those connecting rooms so there was a door to the other room) so I knew they would be able to hear our screaming baby. I was certain they would call and complain and we would be escorted out by the "Fancy Hotel Noise Police." Amazingly, that didn't happen. We were staying in a Resort/Spa type place and I was pretty sure that everyone who saw us whispered to someone else in their party something like, "Why, would they bring a baby to this hotel?" or "Oh......that's the baby we heard all night." I felt compelled to explain to everyone we saw that we were there for a wedding, otherwise we would be staying at a "family hotel." And every time I saw another family with a baby I felt better...surprisingly I saw several families with babies. We ended up putting Liam in bed with us the first night (which we have never done before) and he went right to sleep. I didn't sleep at all, however, for fear that I was going to roll over on him or something...but the kid slept great!

Oh, yeah...this was our view!!!

The second night went much better. We had the wedding and the reception so Liam was up late again, but somehow managed to fall asleep during the reception to the soothing sounds of the "Cha-Cha Slide." I don't get that one...he can't fall asleep in a beautiful hotel room with all of the comforts of home...but passes completely out in a room full of people shouting "Everybody Clap Your Hands...!" (Our white noise machine has a lot of sound settings: ocean, rain forest, bumbling brook, water fall, even hair dryer and vacuum...but no "wedding reception"...will have to see what we can do about that!

We have another trip planned (for Ben's birthday) in a couple of months...so I'll start praying now!

Although it pains me to see my baby growing so fast, I do get a little excited when I think about all of the things we can do as he gets older.

Vacations aren't really vacations with an infant...but those slobbery kisses and snuggles kinda make up for everything else!

Our boys hanging out in the hotel!

One Month Secrets

Our baby boy is one month old today. Is that all??? Really?? I'm kidding...sort of...

There are days when it seems like it is going by so fast and there are days when I can't believe it has only been four weeks. Today is one of those fast days...

In celebration of my survival of this last month I will share some of the Secrets of being a NEW MOM after fertility...

The truth that most moms won't tell you...

1) Even though you prayed for this day, even though you cried over so many disappointments in the process of getting here, there will be a day (probably more like a 3:30 am) when you think to yourself..."what was I thinking????"  you won't mean it; it will happen out of desperation and sleep deprivation...but it will happen. It is normal! You are not a bad mom for thinking this, we all do it. The ones who say they don't are liars! Seriously, liars!

2) You will love your baby from day one, but it may take awhile to fall in love with him. It will happen though...promise!

3) There may even come a time when you think "my baby hates me" - this usually happens (again at 3:30 am) after you have tried everything to make him happy, you have promised him the world, you have begged, and prayed...yet he still screams. He does not hate you, he just has no freakin clue what he is doing or where he is. He is supposed to be swimming peacefully in is own urine - learn the 5 S's (Happiest Baby on the Block). Swaddle, Shhhhhhhh, and Swing your butt off and he will calm down. It's like baby voodoo magic!

4) Having a baby is HARD. Seriously, it's like the hardest thing you will ever do. (The moms who say it is easy are again, Liars...seriously...Liars!

5) You will need a White Noise machine!!!!!! Just trust me on this! Register for one, buy one, download an app, or buy a CD - it will be worth it!

6) Babies cry. Accept it from the beginning and things will go much better!

7) It is ok if your baby sleeps in a swing, bouncy seat, car seat - who the heck cares as long as he sleeps!!!!!!

Nothing wrong with this!

Or this!

But - this might be questionable!

8) Take a shower everyday! Even if it means letting your baby cry for 8 minutes in his crib or bouncy or swing. You will feel better, no matter how little sleep you got the night before, after a hot shower.

9) You will at some point come in contact with poop. It will happen. Accept it now...just wash your hands really well after.

10) If you have a boy...never, I repeat, never leave his junk uncovered! While diapering - have a towel or the clean diaper ready before uncovering!!!! Trust me! No matter how fast you think you are...cover that thing!

11) If you are leaving the house for the day...pack an extra shirt - for yourself!! Always!

12) You can't spoil your baby in the first 3 months of life! Not possible!

13) Accept the fact that your plans will most likely change! Like, every day!

14) Learn to swaddle like a BOSS! And then teach everyone who will care for your baby how to also!!!!!

My awesome Swaddle!

15) Breastfeeding is hard! You might not even like it. It is best for your baby, but there are no prizes given out to breastfeeding mothers over bottle feeding mothers. Do what is best for you and your situation...and don't let anyone make you question your decision! It's none of their business!

16) Always go gender neutral for big baby items (stroller, car seat, swing, etc...). In two years when you have another baby of a different gender you aren't going to want to re-buy (or ask others to re-buy via a registry) the same things. Practical over pretty!

17) You will at some point cry. Happy tears. Scared to death tears. Tears of frustration. Tears of exhaustion. They will all come st some point.

18) Every baby is a miracle. No matter how they came to be, they are a gift from God! A gift that will fill your heart with joy and at times your eyes with tears, but they are worth it!

19) You will most likely think you are screwing your baby up on a daily basis...you're not (most likely). The part where you screw him up (and send him to therapy) won't happen until much later!

20) The newborn stage is hard...but it does not last long. So enjoy it...and then open a bottle of champagne when it is over (that's what I'm going to do!)!!!!!!!

I hate Waiting!

Waiting...that's what we are doing...waiting. I hate waiting!

I am currently scheduled for a c-section on Jan 21st (that's 11 days from now). I know it's not far away, but geesh, I wouldn't mind if he came sooner than that!!! My entire mid section and back are in constant pain. I had no idea one could be so uncomfortable. I don't remember any of this from my first pregnancy...but then again I was only 24! This baby is also breech, maybe that causes a little more discomfort. Or, perhaps it's the fact that this baby is going to be "significantly larger than my last baby" according to the doctor. (Thank God I'm having a c-section!) Either way, I am miserable. (Happily Miserable!)

I am trying not to be impatient. Us infertiles know how annoying it is to hear us cry and complain about not being pregnant and then continue to cry and complain when we do get pregnant. But, infertile or not - this part is PAINFUL!

I am a little more than 38 weeks along. I had already given birth to my first son by now. So, in all reality this is the longest pregnancy I have ever had. (I am sure those of you who have gone past your due date have a word or two for me =) I'm being a baby...I'll admit it.

To be honest though, I feel like I have been waiting for this for years...maybe because I have. It isn't like it's just been the anticipation of a typical 40 week pregnancy. I have literally been waiting to give birth to a child that I have loved in my heart for almost ten years. I have been anticipating the birth of this child for a very very long time.

I would say the waiting has been the hardest part, but really I'm not sure. It could have been the three pregnancy losses, or the cancer (yeah, probably the cancer), or the multiple surgeries and procedures to 'correct' my problems, or the IVF...three times, or the pills, or the hormone shots, or the giant shots in my bum (don't miss those), or the many disappointments along the way, or the financial strain, or the uncertainty...it all sucked actually. But the end result will be beautiful - a baby boy that we have prayed and waited for. A true miracle child...and he will be ours...and he will be here soon. I've come this far...what's 11 more days.

I can wait. I know that. I don't want to...but I
have already proven that I can!

There it is at 38 weeks!

Pregnancy Guilt

If you have read my past posts you may remember one where I was going to chemo with my husband and griping about all of the pregnant girls that were happily on their way to the OB office next door...well this post is for them...kind of.

So, I'm pregnant now. I really and truly have no reason to gripe or complain anymore. I am getting what I wanted and what I have been praying for years. So, why do I still feel sad sometimes? I know why...

Once you have been an infertile your view on pregnancy changes. You have seen the other side and there is no forgetting what the other side looks like. The minute you see those two pink lines you want to rejoice and shout it from the rooftops - and you probably will...but not without a little guilt. You remember the times when your friends have announced their pregnancies and although you were happy for them you may have cried when no one was looking or at least wanted to. You remember asking God "why her and not me" time and time again.

Once you have been an infertile, you have made infertile friends. I don't know how but we find each other. When you become pregnant after being an infertile you feel like you are leaving your infertile friends behind. Or perhaps, even betraying them. I can remember as my infertile friends started getting pregnant or adopting I felt like shouting "whatever happened to No Man Left Behind???"

I remember when I was at a low point during my husband's cancer treatment and I wanted to hate those pregnant girls. I was so mad at these strangers for having something that I wanted to badly. And I realize that I am now one of those pregnant girls. I am the one that someone wants to hate and be mad at. So, I am sorry pregnant girls that I didn't even know. I was really never mad at you and I certainly never hated you...I just wanted your babies. (Well, that didn't really come out right...but you know what I mean...I hope.)

Those who have been blessed with not having to face infertility don't really get how lonely and sad it can be. Pregnancy is just something that happens. But not for us.

I want to show off my belly and tell everyone I see (yes, even strangers on the street) and I might (well not the part about the strangers). But, every now and then I remind myself that someone out there might be where I was just months ago. Someone might look at my pregnant belly and tell me how happy they are and then hide in their car and cry for an hour. I try to remind myself that even when I don't mean for it to, my good news can be heartbreaking for some.

It isn't fair, really. But it is part of The Secret Life of the Infertile. Pregnancies come with beautiful bouncing babies and a side of guilt.

To all of my infertile friends I can only say this...Don't give up!!! If you want it there is a way to make it happen! I have no idea how we were able to afford IVF (3 times) but we were. God provided when we asked him to. Please don't give up on your dream of being a mother!!! It is a dream worth chasing!

Playing the Numbers

There are moments when I almost forget that I am pregnant. Sometimes it just doesn't seem real.

But I know it is.

I think about how long I have wanted this and sometimes I can't believe that it finally happened. It may not have happened the way I had originally planned, but it happened nonetheless. And for that I thank God every day!

When I think back to when I started this blog I realize that so much has happened over these last few years. I never thought I'd go through 6 fertility treatments and never would  have thought that 3 of them would be IVF. I certainly never thought that my very healthy husband would ever be diagnosed with cancer either. Wow has it been a ride!

We have been through a lot, but it has brought us to this place...a very good and happy place. Even before the pregnancy I could list a lot of good things that had come from all of those bad situations. This baby is just the blessing within the blessings!

I recently went to my specialty OB. I will see a regular OB, but will see a specialist throughout the pregnancy as well. During the visit I had to sit with a nurse and go through all of my medical history. I knew it would come up eventually but I really wasn't prepared for it. What you ask??? Well, this question...

So, how many pregnancies have you had?

I sat there frozen for a few seconds (there may have even been crickets chirping) because I really wasn't sure what to say. Actually, that's a lie. I knew what to say...I just didn't want to say it.

Five.

That's how many times I have been pregnant now. Five. I don't know many people who have been pregnant five times. And most of the ones I do know have that many kids.

This whole "five" thing would be part of the reason why I will see a specialist.

Even though 3 of my pregnancies did not work out - I am grateful for all of them. I produced a life and even though that life was short lived it was still here and it belonged to me.

In the beginning I thought I would be a nervous wreck throughout this pregnancy, but I really haven't been. I have said this before but I have just had a peace the whole time. Even from the beginning of the IVF cycle I just knew that this time everything was going to be ok!

During my doctor visit we got to see Snow Pea through a 4D ultrasound. That was ahhhhmazing! I could not believe it but even at 13 weeks it looked like a real baby. The baby was perfect and healthy. There were no markers for Downs or Trisomy - not bad for my 33 year old eggs!!! Oh, this brings me to another weird part of the medical history interview...

So, I'm 34 years old. I have been 34 since my last birthday in March (just clarifying). At one point the nurse asked me how old I was and I told her, she then asked me how old my eggs were at the time of the IVF. Duhhh, 34 I said (again). I thought this was really a dumb question...but then I remembered. This egg was on the lay-away plan. This guy was fertilized and frozen back in November...so really my eggs were a year younger than me. They were in fact 33. Science can be really confusing.

I will go to my regular OB doctor on Tuesday...since it is 12:17 am that's tomorrow. Then I suppose it will just be monthly visits...like regular folks.

I'm happy to finally be a regular folk!

Letting Go...

Last night I had an epiphany...I realized that I have been going about this all wrong. I have been going to God seeking a baby, but God wants me to go to Him to seek Him...the baby will be a bonus. I have said similar words before - but I really understand them now.

I realize now that God's plan for me is a good one. No matter what the outcome or paths that he may lead me down, I know that ultimately I will be happy. God loves me, he wants only good things for me. I have to let go of my plan. I have to let go of my timeline and just wait...upon the Lord.

I do believe that I will have another child. I believe that a baby is part of God's plan for me, but I need to stop trying to force God's hand. I need to just sit back and watch God work and await his blessings. Even if God does not bring me a baby, I know that if I am in his will I will be happy. (Please understand that even thinking these words is very hard for me - but I know that if I truly trust in God as I say I do then I will be ok!)

I have decided that I am letting go. I am NOT letting go of my dreams, I am just letting go of MY plans. I am letting God have my fertility and I am going to let God take the lead...for once.

I am reading a book called Hannah's Hope, I highly recommend it as it has helped me reach this place. At one point the author asks: Are you seeking a baby more than you are seeking God? Are you seeking God because you want a baby or because you want God? - that is when it hit me!

God knows I want another child. I don't have to keep asking him EVERYDAY!! I know how annoying it can be when my students ask me the same questions over and over and over again...I can only image that that is how God feels about me right now. He probably wants to shout: "I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME!!!"

One of the very first verses I ever learned sums it all up:
"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you..."
Matt 6:33

Such a simple verse but it tells us if we just seek God everything else will be taken care of. In the past I was seeking a baby and hoping for God...now I will seek God and hope for a baby!

I still believe. I still hope. But, I am letting go and letting God. (please remind me of this in a few days!!)

Unexplainable Peace

I am sitting here today in an empty house...and it is kind of peaceful! I am feeling better both physically and emotionally. I really can't explain the peace that I have right now. I am still sad - I cry every now and then. I was just cleaning my bath tub and tears just started rolling...but that was kind of happening already so at least now I have a reason for it. But overall, I am ok. My heart is at peace...real peace. The kind that can't be explained! The kind that can only come from God.

I know that we will bring another child (or children) into our home and our family. I know that I will be a mother again. I will never give up on that. God put the desire in my heart to be a "...joyful mother of children" (Psalm 113:9) and that I will be one day.

My faith is even renewed a little and I am excited about what God has in store for me. I mean if a perfect IVF cycle was not his plan then he must have something truly amazing in mind.

I know that the empty crib in my home will one day hold a baby. I do not doubt that at all. I can't explain it...I just know!

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

To Pee or not to Pee???

So I am currently 4dp5dt (in English that means 4 days past 5 day transfer). I have done pretty good trying not to obsess about it. I have kept busy and have spent some quality time with my son!

I, of course, think I am pregnant (there is not an infertile in the world who does not think she is pregnant after a treatment cycle). I feel pregnant. I have had a few signs that could absolutely point to pregnancy. They could also be the side effects of the massive amounts of hormones that I am on - but I choose to believe the pregnancy theory!

One thing is for sure - I am eating junk food like it's my job. I know I am not supposed to be doing that...It all relates back to that whole emotional eater thing I have going on. I have considered going out for a walk or a bike ride instead of stuffing my face - but really food sounds and looks so good right now!

I am currently having an internal debate regarding whether or not I should take a home pregnancy test. Last time we did IVF - I did not. I just waited for the blood test...we all know how that turned out. The thing with HPTs is that I could take it too early and it might not detect what it needs to in order to give an accurate result. Which I think is a good thing...because if it were to be negative...I really don't have to accept that as a definitive answer. But...then I again I guess that would work the same way if it were to say positive...hmmm.

Here is the thing...I believe that this is the path that God has set us on. I believe that this is what he has for me. I am not hopeful or wishful. I am faithful. I KNOW it IS going to happen...I hope it is now! I think it is now! I want it to be now!

I will admit that yesterday I went to the drug store with the sole intention of buying a HPT...when I found, to my surprise, that they had them locked up behind a glass cabinet. What??? So I went to the pharmacist to ask him to open it but chickened out when I saw that they had replaced the old man pharmacist with a super young Abercrombie model!! What the??? Isn't there like an age requirement for dealing with super important medicines and such. And people that hot shouldn't also get to be smart...totally not fair...or rather greedy on their part. Anyway - I don't know what came over me...it is not like I am shy when it comes to my fertility. I think I allowed myself to chicken out because I am still not sure if I want to pee on a stick or not!

Now that is a dilemma that I bet most (normal) people don't have! (It's just another part of The Secret Life of the Infertile!)

Infertile Hell

Over the last 24 hours I have literally put myself in INFERTILE HELL!

First, I attended a baby shower last night (that in it self is hell for an infertile) but this was no ordinary baby shower - there was not one pregnant belly, not two pregnant bellies, not even three...there were 4 beautiful pregnant bellies...F-O-U-R!!! It just so happens that I have 4 pregnant friends and they were all in one place last night. The thing is, I love them - and I promise you I am happy for them. I really really am. But, I am honestly and completely jealous of them! I am jealous of their morning sickness, swollen ankles, stretch marks, and extreme fatigue...I am jealous of every minute of it! I try not to be. I keep telling myself that I should be happy with what I have - and I am. But I also want a pregnant belly of my own. I want my friends to gather and celebrate the birth of my next child - I want a sibling for my son. I don't want to be the secretly sad girl that everyone feels sorry for at the next baby shower.

Oh, and to make my first stop in Infertile Hell a real hoot - I decided that I would stick to my diet and forgo the wine that was readily available - why did I do that?? (note to self: next time you are at a baby shower...TIP IT!!!)

The ride is not over yet.

Next stop - Fertility Doctor...

So, we went back to the doctor today. Finally decided to sit down with him and take a look at what went wrong with our IVF cycle. Here's the kicker...

nothing went wrong. Everything was exactly perfect!!!

Yep -

eggs - perfect!
uterus - perfect!
sperm - perfect!

He basically said that I had a 60-70 percent chance of getting pregnant and he has no friggin' clue as to why I didn't!

PERFECT!

Everything that needed to happen for the cycle to be successful happened. I believe he even called it "textbook". Geesh! I guess that is what I get for being the Infertile Goddess!! I do have a reputation to uphold.

I think I was better off not knowing the truth. In my mind it didn't work because there was some terrible medical mix up and the doctors were going to make it up to me by throwing in a fresh IVF cycle - on the house!!!

There is some good news though...my husband is making a FULL recovery (if you know what I mean) from the chemotherapy! Things are looking good!!

Also - on the note of good news...I am down 9 lbs!!! I still have about 15 to go - but YAY, it's a start!

I am ready to say goodbye to this placed called Infertile Hell - and I have no interest in sending post cards!!!

Next stop...Fertileville!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No Go

Well...I got the call yesterday, and it was the same as last time. It began with an "I'm so sorry." Ugh! I hate those damn phone calls! Another - big FAT NEGATIVE :(!

I am sad, but I am not angry. I promised God that I would love him no matter what and I do. I have a lot to be thankful for. My husband had another clear PET scan today...that means the cancer is really-really gone!! In spite of how sucky yesterday was - we still can rejoice today! Thank you Lord for your blessings!!!

I admit though, that I was really shocked that it didn't work. I was so sure that it would. I really thought this time was going to be IT. I just felt like everything was falling into place - it was just working out perfectly. The money even just kind of "fell from the sky." I am not sure how we got it all, but we did. I just really felt like God was leading us down this path...maybe he was, maybe it was a test to see if we would give up if we didn't get what we wanted. We won't. We will never give up...on God...or on our dream.

I have to tell you though that when I allow myself to go to that dark place...that really dark place this is what I see:

1. healthy baby boy - first go-round at parenting
2. miscarriage
3. miscarriage
4. failed fertility cycle (clomid and natural intercourse)
5. failed fertility cycle (oral meds, hormones, and natural intercourse)
6. failed fertility cycle (oral meds, hormones, injectables, and natural intercourse)
7. husband diagnosed with cancer which can cause infertility
8. failed IVF cycle

So, all of this makes me think...did we just really screw things up so bad that God wants to put a stop to our procreation??

Deep down I know that is not true...I did tell you it was a really dark place. Sometimes, we go to those dark places whether we want to or not.

Actually, what I think it is - is this: Having another child is the deepest desire of my heart, it is probably the only thing in life that I want that I do not already have. I think Satan has tried all of these tricks to steal my faith. You would think he would toss in the damn towel by now!!!

But through it all - I will not give up my faith. I will still have hope, and one day we will have our baby!

I believe God.

Waiting Game

So...

We are now implanted...here is how it went down.

We arrived at the doctor's office the day of our IVF transfer at 8am. It was a Sunday, 5 days after the "egg hunt" (so, really what I am trying to say is that I had to get up way too early on my day off). When we arrived at the building we found the front entry door locked. At first I didn't worry about it - we were a bit early. But, as the time of my appointment kept creeping closer I started to get a little nervous. I made my husband try to pry the doors open - when that didn't work I started to panic. I called the answering service and in a few short minutes someone was down to let us in. Crisis averted!!

So, there we were in the room, ready to get the party started. After about 30 minutes I remembered that I had Valium in my purse - but I couldn't remember when I was supposed to take it. I made my husband run down the nurse and ask her...apparently I was supposed to take it on the way to the appointment - oh, well. It was taken regardless. So, after the Valium I realize that this situation is really not all that different from who it would have normally went down: I had on a slutty shirt (coincidence), no pants, the lights were dim, and I was half drunk...perfect baby making conditions ( it works for 16 year olds on prom night).

Once the doctor came in and got things rolling it really didn't take that long. We had a total of 8 embryos. We had 2 really good mature blastocysts so we went with those two. I even have a picture of them. I watched the doctor insert 2 tiny baby cell-balls (cell balls is a technical term...and it makes me laugh) into my uterus via a flat screen television hanging from the ceiling - my how things have changed for us!

After the transfer I had to lie still for 20 minutes - that wasn't hard with the Valium. Except for the fact that I was afraid to go to sleep for fear that I might pee my pants (not that I was wearing any) - did I mention that they have to do the transfer with a FULL bladder. The doctor even had me go to the bathroom and empty "2 cups" from my bladder (ever tried to do that???) and it was still FULL!!!!!!!!

On the way home I had an insatiable craving for Arby's - which just adds to my whole drunk 16 year old theory. We are so having a baby!!!!

It has been about a week since the transfer. A day has not gone by that someone hasn't asked "so...when will you know??" Yeah, I probably could have kept this whole situation to myself and wouldn't have to deal with that question - but I mean I blog (about my reproductive system)...I am not exactly a private person. Besides, I appreciate having so many supporters in my life. But - my answer to EVERYONE who asks when I will know is "in a couple of weeks." I don't want to give an exact date - that is just way too much pressure.

This brings us to...waiting...and praying. I have so much faith that THIS is going to work. I feel like this is God's plan for my life. I just have to...wait.

The best news is that my husband is DONE with chemo...forever!!!!! He is cancer free and we are so looking forward to our life after cancer - I KNOW that it includes a baby (or two).

I Have Been Blessed!

So, let's see...where were we? Oh, yes still not pregnant and now with an even slimmer (but not impossible) chance of ever getting pregnant. Ugh! This makes me angry.

My husband has now been through two rounds of chemotherapy and is doing amazingly well. I am so inspired by his diligence and attitude. This whole cancer experience has made us get down to the true nitty-gritty of marriage. I now fully understand the phrase "in sickness and in health." I love him more each minute and thank God everyday for him and our son!

With that being said...I must find something to complain about (right?)...

Okay, so here I am 32 years old dreaming about babies at night and spending my days visiting the OC (that will be my new term for oncologist...it sounds way cooler) with my husband. Even though this is my life and I embrace it whole heartily I am going to be completely honest and say that it is not what I expected! I never thought my husband could get sick. I seriously thought I'd have babies coming out of my ears by now. I never imagined that I'd have to fight so hard for the people that I love. But I do. And I will.

And get this...
To make matters worse, the office right next door to the OC is an OBGYN!!! Come on are you freakin' kidding me???!!! Every day as we make our trek to the OC I have to pass by these adorable couples and their precious pregnant bellies. Seriously, every time we go I feel as though I am in a parade of pregnant people, except I am obviously not pregnant so I kind of feel out of place. And angry. Yes, I get very mad at these sweet little pregnant girls. I have no idea why. They have never done anything to me. I just really really don't like them. I kinda want to punch them in the arm (or face) or something, but they are pregnant so I never would (well, that and the fact that I don't know who they are and they are probably really nice people...and I'm really not much of a fighter anyway). I feel like it is so unfair that we have to stop at the OC door and these girls with the bellies get to (smugly) walk right on past and into door number two (the special door, the golden door, the OBGYN). These girls have probably never even considered that their spouse could get sick, they have probably never had to struggle trying to get pregnant. They have probably never spent month after month (years) waiting, praying, and hoping...only to be disappointed. I highly doubt that their entire fertile future sits in some freezer in a doctor's office (not like the break room freezer or anything - I mean like a whole high tech specialty medically purposed freezer). They have probably never lost a baby, much less two.

And then I realize...how the heck do I know???? How do I know that there isn't a girl just like me or worse who is finally getting to experience joy? How do I know that these girls have such perfect lives? How do I know if these girls haven't felt the torture and heartache that comes from losing a baby that you have already begun to love. I don't!

I remind myself that there was a time when I too was one of these mythical, perfect, pregnant little girls who had not a care in the world. There was a time before cancer. There was a time before infertility. There was a time when I didn't care as much about the little things in life.

I complain about these many wrongs that have been done to me, but in all honesty they make me realize how much I have taken for granted. They make me realize how precious life truly is. And they make me not want to feel sorry for myself (although if you haven't figured out by now...I still will). They make me value the actual definition of marriage. They make me want to be a better mother. They make me want to love my husband into perfect health. They make me realize that no matter how bad, no matter how dark, no matter how ugly things might get...I have been blessed! And for this I am grateful!

Knowing that life was once grand and glorious also gives me hope. I know that one day I will sit with my cancer-free husband and cradle a baby that belongs to us. When this happens, I will be wiser and older...and I will never take a moment for granted. Because, I know I have most definitely been blessed!

Little Did I Know

Tonight while I was searching for something in my closet, I came across a box of high school memory (junk) stuff. I sat for a minute rifling through the box remembering how I thought life was "tough" back then...boy, I didn't know jack! Then I realized that my precious box of high school memories sits in my closet right next to my breast pump (because, there was a time when I was not infertile...goddess, yes...infertile, no). And this discovery made me realize there are so many things in my life that I either never dreamed I'd have to go through or never even gave a second thought about...until now.

For instance, I never imagined I'd ever own, much less use a breast pump. And I certainly never thought I'd be so excited when it arrived via UPS that I'd answer the door...mid feeding...but I did.

I always knew I would have children, I never once considered all of the "gross" things I'd have to do in the process. And, don't deny it...you know there is some grossness involved.

I never imagined that there could be anything better to do on a Friday night than cheer at a football game. Now, I am usually in my pajamas by 5:30 on Friday nights...thanking the Lord that I have no where to go.

Back then I would have never even thought of mentioning anything regarding "girl problems" in front of a boy. Now, I have an ovulation calendar on my refrigerator. (And, I don't even take it down when guests come over...I mean, the secret is kind of out.)

I remember trying to preserve every flower a boy had ever given me. You know, I would dry them out and smash them in a book or something. Well, I am still preserving stuff - but it sure ain't roses!

Oh, and I remember thinking that appendicitis was like the worst thing that could ever happen to someone. And, if I heard that someone had Mono I'd, you know...discreetly keep my distance (although the thought of being excused from school for all of those days sure was tempting)...well, now my husband has cancer and I want nothing more than to be right next to him every second of every day. I have suddenly become this agent/manager/event coordinator for my husbands health.

I never thought I'd have a calendar of chemotherapy schedules, surgical procedures, and medical appointments. I never in a million years ever truly thought I'd have to deal with such issues as infertility or worse...cancer.

I long for the day when I had my wisdom teeth taken out, boy did I milk that!!! I thought that the world was surely going to end.

Little did I know...

Waiting

Well, I thought being an infertile sucked...apparently there are worse things.

In exactly 6 days from today I will find out if my husband has cancer. Yes, cancer. About 2 weeks ago he went in for a scan of his neck (there was a lump), he was in surgery a week later. We are waiting for the results of the biopsy. We have already had 2 doctors tell us what we didn't want to hear. Now we wait to see if they were right. (please let them be wrong)

I seriously thought that being infertile was my cross to bare, and compared to the alternative I am so ok with that! Being infertile is a cake walk compared to what we are facing now. (Which also leads to infertility...apparently God must think I am a terrible mother. Maybe this whole cancer thing is just to make doubly sure that we won't reproduce again).

So, how am I handling this...well, I cry...a lot! I cry because I am scared. I cry because I am sad. I cry because I am angry. I cry because I don't understand why this is happening. I am trying not to cry in front of him. I am trying to be strong. I am trying to figure out how in the heck we are going to get through this.

I know that we will make it through this. I know we will. We have to.

My husband is very much the center of our family. He takes care of everything. He makes sure i have gas in my car, the bills are paid on time, the lawn gets mowed...I can't even remember to buy milk. How am I going to "run" things if he is sick? How am I going to keep it all together like he does?
My husband is also my best friend. It breaks my heart to think that he might be sick or that he might have to go through so much to get through this. Will we still be able to sit on the porch in the evenings and drink wine and talk for hours? Will he still want to go out to dinner? Will he still want to kiss me? The thought of my marriage being threatened scares me more than anything. The thought of my life without him causes me physical pain.

So I will wait, and try not to think.

The Secrets...

You know you are dealing with infertility if:

• You spend half a month's salary on pregnancy tests
• and the other half on twizzlers and cheetos when they all turn out negative (oh, wait maybe that is just me)
• you have ever ran to your closet after "you know what" to hide and stand on your head (seriously, we do this)
• every time you walk into a doctor's office you instinctively take off your pants (which ordinarily would not be a problem until you realize that you are at the pediatrician's office for your child's back to school physical)
• you have had to restrain yourself from just beating the crap out of people who say "I think it's time to try for another one" or "do they know what is wrong with you yet"
• you spend hours in the baby section at Wal-Mart "just looking" and then get pissed off when someone comes and actually has to buy something...for their REAL baby
• you have been know to talk to your uterus (come on girl, you can do it!)
• You become infuriated when you see mothers who have no business being mothers
• and you have maybe even considered (even if just for a millisecond) just taking one of those precious babies from one of those bad mothers and running far-far way
• You hate Angelina Jolie, because apparently she can grow babies in her back yard
• you have a pillow for your butt (it is a gravity thing)
• you have ever set your alarm clock for sex
• you are no longer afraid of needles

and lastly...

• you know you are dealing with infertility when you hear a baby cry and your eyes well up with tears or when hearing the joyous news of someones new pregnancy makes you secretly sick to your stomach or when you no longer feel happy just to hold someone elses baby, it now makes you kind of...sad, but you do it and you put a smile on your face and you say congratulations and make a big fuss, then you go home cry your eyes out and break out the cheetos and twizzlers again.

And those are the secrets of being infertile!