Wednesday, October 27, 2010

No Go

Well...I got the call yesterday, and it was the same as last time. It began with an "I'm so sorry." Ugh! I hate those damn phone calls! Another - big FAT NEGATIVE :(!

I am sad, but I am not angry. I promised God that I would love him no matter what and I do. I have a lot to be thankful for. My husband had another clear PET scan today...that means the cancer is really-really gone!! In spite of how sucky yesterday was - we still can rejoice today! Thank you Lord for your blessings!!!

I admit though, that I was really shocked that it didn't work. I was so sure that it would. I really thought this time was going to be IT. I just felt like everything was falling into place - it was just working out perfectly. The money even just kind of "fell from the sky." I am not sure how we got it all, but we did. I just really felt like God was leading us down this path...maybe he was, maybe it was a test to see if we would give up if we didn't get what we wanted. We won't. We will never give up...on God...or on our dream.

I have to tell you though that when I allow myself to go to that dark place...that really dark place this is what I see:
1. healthy baby boy - first go-round at parenting
2. miscarriage
3. miscarriage
4. failed fertility cycle (clomid and natural intercourse)
5. failed fertility cycle (oral meds, hormones, and natural intercourse)
6. failed fertility cycle (oral meds, hormones, injectables, and natural intercourse)
7. husband diagnosed with cancer which can cause infertility
8. failed IVF cycle

So, all of this makes me think...did we just really screw things up so bad that God wants to put a stop to our procreation??

Deep down I know that is not true...I did tell you it was a really dark place. Sometimes, we go to those dark places whether we want to or not.

Actually, what I think it is - is this: Having another child is the deepest desire of my heart, it is probably the only thing in life that I want that I do not already have. I think Satan has tried all of these tricks to steal my faith. You would think he would toss in the damn towel by now!!!

But through it all - I will not give up my faith. I will still have hope, and one day we will have our baby!

I believe God.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Waiting Game


We are now is how it went down.

We arrived at the doctor's office the day of our IVF transfer at 8am. It was a Sunday, 5 days after the "egg hunt" (so, really what I am trying to say is that I had to get up way too early on my day off). When we arrived at the building we found the front entry door locked. At first I didn't worry about it - we were a bit early. But, as the time of my appointment kept creeping closer I started to get a little nervous. I made my husband try to pry the doors open - when that didn't work I started to panic. I called the answering service and in a few short minutes someone was down to let us in. Crisis averted!!

So, there we were in the room, ready to get the party started. After about 30 minutes I remembered that I had Valium in my purse - but I couldn't remember when I was supposed to take it. I made my husband run down the nurse and ask her...apparently I was supposed to take it on the way to the appointment - oh, well. It was taken regardless. So, after the Valium I realize that this situation is really not all that different from who it would have normally went down: I had on a slutty shirt (coincidence), no pants, the lights were dim, and I was half drunk...perfect baby making conditions ( it works for 16 year olds on prom night).

Once the doctor came in and got things rolling it really didn't take that long. We had a total of 8 embryos. We had 2 really good mature blastocysts so we went with those two. I even have a picture of them. I watched the doctor insert 2 tiny baby cell-balls (cell balls is a technical term...and it makes me laugh) into my uterus via a flat screen television hanging from the ceiling - my how things have changed for us!

After the transfer I had to lie still for 20 minutes - that wasn't hard with the Valium. Except for the fact that I was afraid to go to sleep for fear that I might pee my pants (not that I was wearing any) - did I mention that they have to do the transfer with a FULL bladder. The doctor even had me go to the bathroom and empty "2 cups" from my bladder (ever tried to do that???) and it was still FULL!!!!!!!!

On the way home I had an insatiable craving for Arby's - which just adds to my whole drunk 16 year old theory. We are so having a baby!!!!

It has been about a week since the transfer. A day has not gone by that someone hasn't asked "so...when will you know??" Yeah, I probably could have kept this whole situation to myself and wouldn't have to deal with that question - but I mean I blog (about my reproductive system)...I am not exactly a private person. Besides, I appreciate having so many supporters in my life. But - my answer to EVERYONE who asks when I will know is "in a couple of weeks." I don't want to give an exact date - that is just way too much pressure.

This brings us to...waiting...and praying. I have so much faith that THIS is going to work. I feel like this is God's plan for my life. I just have to...wait.

The best news is that my husband is DONE with chemo...forever!!!!! He is cancer free and we are so looking forward to our life after cancer - I KNOW that it includes a baby (or two).

Friday, October 15, 2010

Eggs, Eggs, Eggs

I suppose I should start by updating you on all of the craziness that has gone on these last few weeks.

I managed to successfully inject myself with RAGING hormones 3 times per night for a few weeks. I only gave myself about 47 bruises and turned my not-to-pretty tummy into an even bigger wreck - I mean really... it is gross! (for a while it was looking like blueberry muffin batter)

The night before I was to go in for my "Egg Retrieval" I ended up in the ER with my husband. I came home from work and he was burning up with a fever. Since he is a chemotherapy patient the doctor told us to go directly to the ER. We were there until about 1:00 am. They were able to get his fever down and everything else checked out ok (thank goodness) so they sent us on our way...again at 1:30 AM!!! I remember getting in bed at around 1:45ish. I had to be at the surgery center at 6:30 and at my sisters house at 5:30 (so she could drive me) so I was up again at 4:00 AM!!!! I had to get up early to take care of all of those tasks that one must do before she has a team of people all up in her GLORIA! Anyway, we made it to the surgery center on time and completely manicured for the procedure.

Operation: Egg Hunt

Since it was my first time having my eggs retrieved I had no idea what to expect. They took me to the O.R. and strapped me thing I know I am waking up in recovery. That was easy! Until, I tried to get up. Holy Moly...what did they do go in there with a jack hammer to get those eggs? My mid section was swollen three times its size and felt like there had been and ovarian sumo wrestling match going on. I was in pain. But, it was nothing I couldn't handle!

After the procedure my sister took me to her house to recover. My husband was home sick at our house and I was laid up in another was by far one of the craziest days of my life. But, worth every minute of it!

I guess it was around 1:00 in the afternoon when I got one of the most amazing, but strangest phone calls of my life...

My doctor's office called to tell me that they retrieved 10 (ten) eggs! (Doesn't that just sound weird.)

The next day they called to inform me that they had fertilized the eggs (with the frozen junk) and we now had 8 embryos!!!!!! EMBRYOS...That is how a baby begins!!!!

So now we are approaching our transfer date. The day that they will put those embryos (I don't know how many yet) into my womb and God will do his work. I am excited! I feel very peaceful and calm (so far).

As I think about my embryos...I secretly take comfort in knowing that technically I have 8 little baby cells that belong to me. My babies are here, they are just waiting for their mommy to come and get them.

As far as the hormones and preparing my body for the possibility of a pregnancy goes...I am a train wreck. I am on 2 hormone pills and a steroid twice a day. I have found that I can't sit still for even a minute, but when I am busy I just want to eat stuff...or yell at people. My boobs feel as if they are literally going to fall off (which would really suck) and my belly feels as if all 8 of those babies are in it having a soccer game. But, is all worth it!

It also gives me great joy to know that my husband only has 1 more treatment left!! I have no idea what we were thinking when we decided to do all of this at the same time...but there is a reason, it will all be over at the end of this month and hopefully we can just enjoy and very healthy pregnancy!!!