If you have read my past posts you may remember one where I was going to chemo with my husband and griping about all of the pregnant girls that were happily on their way to the OB office next door...well this post is for them...kind of.
So, I'm pregnant now. I really and truly have no reason to gripe or complain anymore. I am getting what I wanted and what I have been praying for years. So, why do I still feel sad sometimes? I know why...
Once you have been an infertile your view on pregnancy changes. You have seen the other side and there is no forgetting what the other side looks like. The minute you see those two pink lines you want to rejoice and shout it from the rooftops - and you probably will...but not without a little guilt. You remember the times when your friends have announced their pregnancies and although you were happy for them you may have cried when no one was looking or at least wanted to. You remember asking God "why her and not me" time and time again.
Once you have been an infertile, you have made infertile friends. I don't know how but we find each other. When you become pregnant after being an infertile you feel like you are leaving your infertile friends behind. Or perhaps, even betraying them. I can remember as my infertile friends started getting pregnant or adopting I felt like shouting "whatever happened to No Man Left Behind???"
I remember when I was at a low point during my husband's cancer treatment and I wanted to hate those pregnant girls. I was so mad at these strangers for having something that I wanted to badly. And I realize that I am now one of those pregnant girls. I am the one that someone wants to hate and be mad at. So, I am sorry pregnant girls that I didn't even know. I was really never mad at you and I certainly never hated you...I just wanted your babies. (Well, that didn't really come out right...but you know what I mean...I hope.)
Those who have been blessed with not having to face infertility don't really get how lonely and sad it can be. Pregnancy is just something that happens. But not for us.
I want to show off my belly and tell everyone I see (yes, even strangers on the street) and I might (well not the part about the strangers). But, every now and then I remind myself that someone out there might be where I was just months ago. Someone might look at my pregnant belly and tell me how happy they are and then hide in their car and cry for an hour. I try to remind myself that even when I don't mean for it to, my good news can be heartbreaking for some.
It isn't fair, really. But it is part of The Secret Life of the Infertile. Pregnancies come with beautiful bouncing babies and a side of guilt.
To all of my infertile friends I can only say this...Don't give up!!! If you want it there is a way to make it happen! I have no idea how we were able to afford IVF (3 times) but we were. God provided when we asked him to. Please don't give up on your dream of being a mother!!! It is a dream worth chasing!
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