Monday, November 16, 2009

A Faithful Infertile

So, in an effort to 'turn over a new leaf' (code for stop being such a complaining mega B) I have dove deep into my faith and found it quite promising.

Here are a few things you may not have figured out yet...
1. I'm blond...just so ya know.
2. I'm 31...too young for fertility problems...right???
3. I'm a Christian.

I said Christian, not Saint! I am not perfect. I have been known to drop a curse word here and there, I don't go to church every single Sunday, and I don't believe it is a sin to enjoy an occasional adult beverage. But, I do absolutely believe that God is the God of miracles and that through his son Jesus I have been given the gift of eternal life. I also believe in the power of prayer. I believe in the scriptures and I even believe that some of them were written solely for me.

With that being said, let me share with you the latest gift I have been given...a glimmer of hope...a hint of a promise...a scripture written just for me.

Hebrews 10:36 & 37
" You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised, for in just a very little while."

And this one...
"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful."
Hebrews 10:23

My take on this...
I believe that God promised me that I will be a "joyful mother of children." I believe that I will have more children. This is a desire of my heart. It is a desire that my entire family shares. We are all in agreement. I believe that this is a promise that God made to me. Now, some people say "well if it were God's will it will happen," and I believe this too. But, I also believe that if it were not in God's will for me to have more children then he would take that desire away from me, my husband, and my son. We have this desire so greatly so I believe it is my promise. Our promise.

I believe that if I continue to have hope and not let it waver and stay within God's will then my promise will be given to me. This is what I believe. What is God's will for me? Am I in it? This I am still trying to figure out...but maybe that is the whole point of all of this fertility nonsense...maybe God is just trying to show me something that I couldn't see on my own.

But, wait (I say to myself) what about all of those terrible crack ho skanks who keep getting knocked up over and over again...why does God make it so easy for them??? (And I answer myself) Maybe, because God has something special in mind for me, maybe because God thinks I am capable of more than that, maybe because God wants me to seek out the promise that he has given me. Maybe I will get more out of this than just a pregnancy. Maybe the getting pregnant part was just the first step in an even more incredible journey. Maybe it was about more than just getting pregnant.

Whatever it may be...I believe God.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

another month...

Another month has come and gone and I am still not pregnant...big surprise there!

We are trying naturally right now and well, we are naturally having no success. I am taking an oral medicine that is only for my blood sugar issues (that come along with PCOS) but other than that we are just letting nature takes it's course...which apparently doesn't involve getting me pregnant.

I do believe that it will happen. I do. I do. I do. I know that I will be blessed with another child, maybe even more than one. I am just tired of waiting. I am tired of hoping. I am tired of being disappointed. If nothing else the waiting gives me a chance to improve my health...however I just gorged myself on a heath bar-milk dud cocktail so obviously my health wasn't a priority today.

The funny thing about being infertile is that I truly think I am pregnant EVERY single month. Yes, every month for the last 4 years I have thought I was pregnant. I have been nauseous, my boobs have hurt, I have been so incredibly tired, I have had indigestion like crazy...yes, for 4 years! Every month I say to myself 'this is it...I know it', and every month I have been disappointed.

This month I was a few days late, although I am not exactly regular so you think I would have prepared myself for instances like this...but no. I just go on and let myself think that maybe just maybe I am pregnant. Then BAM! When the results come in I take a downward spiral like you've never seen. I turn into some crazy EMO B!! I don't like doing this to myself, yet I continue to do it. Every month.

I just read a story about a girl in a situation much like mine and it inspired me. She said that instead of spending her time being sad and depressed she used it to improve herself (health & weight) and improve the bond between her and her husband. Perhaps, I will adopt this much more pleasant way of life...but, my family on the other hand may think I have been abducted by aliens and replaced by a clone.