Dear Santa...

I love this time of year! I love the lights, the music, the food...especially the food! I just love it! I especially love that my little boy still believes in Santa!! I know that it won't be too much longer, but I am enjoying it while I can! Which leads me to my latest secret to living the infertile life...one must be quick on ones feet and quite resourceful when it comes to pulling a story from ones "you know where!"

Let me explain...
A few weeks ago my son decided to write Santa a letter telling him what he wanted for Christmas. The letter went like this:

Dear Santa,
I don't want any toys this year. Just a brother or a sister.
Love,
Ben

When I read it my heart was both happy and sad. I was happy to know that my dear sweet boy shares the same wish as his daddy and I, but sad to know I was going to have to explain why Santa can't grant his Christmas wish.

I also wondered if my husband and I have maybe said too much in front of him. I mean, he doesn't know about the whole "infertile" thing but he does know that we want a baby and that mommy has to go to the doctor a lot and that mommy sometimes has to take shots. And, I am sure he has picked up on the fact that sometimes mommy does not feel good and stays in her jammies all day and eats Cheetos for breakfast (and lunch and dinner). He also knows that when mommy if having one of her "not feeling good days" that daddy usually has to make a carrot cake run to make me feel better. It really is hard to keep something so emotional a secret (especially when your fingers are stained a Chester Cheetah orange and so are most of your p.j.s).

We have a very open line of communication when our son, so I did not want to lie to him about Santa...but I still wanted to keep the magic of Christmas alive for him. So I explained it like this...Santa can't bring children, he only brings toys. Children come from God. After all, Santa is not a miracle worker just a little magical, God however is a miracle worker and children are of course a miracle. Therefore, we can't ask Santa for a baby. (see that is only half a lie...the Santa part).

Ben seemed to accept my explanation without hesitation. I thought I was really going to have to peddle to keep the Christmas magic going. But, nope. I explained it and his response was "o.k." That's it...o.k.

So, later on I found the letter on the counter. He had crossed out Santa and wrote God instead.


Anyone know God's address?

A Faithful Infertile

So, in an effort to 'turn over a new leaf' (code for stop being such a complaining mega B) I have dove deep into my faith and found it quite promising.

Here are a few things you may not have figured out yet...
1. I'm blond...just so ya know.
2. I'm 31...too young for fertility problems...right???
3. I'm a Christian.

I said Christian, not Saint! I am not perfect. I have been known to drop a curse word here and there, I don't go to church every single Sunday, and I don't believe it is a sin to enjoy an occasional adult beverage. But, I do absolutely believe that God is the God of miracles and that through his son Jesus I have been given the gift of eternal life. I also believe in the power of prayer. I believe in the scriptures and I even believe that some of them were written solely for me.

With that being said, let me share with you the latest gift I have been given...a glimmer of hope...a hint of a promise...a scripture written just for me.

Hebrews 10:36 & 37
" You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised, for in just a very little while."

And this one...
"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful."
Hebrews 10:23

My take on this...
I believe that God promised me that I will be a "joyful mother of children." I believe that I will have more children. This is a desire of my heart. It is a desire that my entire family shares. We are all in agreement. I believe that this is a promise that God made to me. Now, some people say "well if it were God's will it will happen," and I believe this too. But, I also believe that if it were not in God's will for me to have more children then he would take that desire away from me, my husband, and my son. We have this desire so greatly so I believe it is my promise. Our promise.

I believe that if I continue to have hope and not let it waver and stay within God's will then my promise will be given to me. This is what I believe. What is God's will for me? Am I in it? This I am still trying to figure out...but maybe that is the whole point of all of this fertility nonsense...maybe God is just trying to show me something that I couldn't see on my own.

But, wait (I say to myself) what about all of those terrible crack ho skanks who keep getting knocked up over and over again...why does God make it so easy for them??? (And I answer myself) Maybe, because God has something special in mind for me, maybe because God thinks I am capable of more than that, maybe because God wants me to seek out the promise that he has given me. Maybe I will get more out of this than just a pregnancy. Maybe the getting pregnant part was just the first step in an even more incredible journey. Maybe it was about more than just getting pregnant.

Whatever it may be...I believe God.

another month...

Another month has come and gone and I am still not pregnant...big surprise there!

We are trying naturally right now and well, we are naturally having no success. I am taking an oral medicine that is only for my blood sugar issues (that come along with PCOS) but other than that we are just letting nature takes it's course...which apparently doesn't involve getting me pregnant.

I do believe that it will happen. I do. I do. I do. I know that I will be blessed with another child, maybe even more than one. I am just tired of waiting. I am tired of hoping. I am tired of being disappointed. If nothing else the waiting gives me a chance to improve my health...however I just gorged myself on a heath bar-milk dud cocktail so obviously my health wasn't a priority today.

The funny thing about being infertile is that I truly think I am pregnant EVERY single month. Yes, every month for the last 4 years I have thought I was pregnant. I have been nauseous, my boobs have hurt, I have been so incredibly tired, I have had indigestion like crazy...yes, for 4 years! Every month I say to myself 'this is it...I know it', and every month I have been disappointed.

This month I was a few days late, although I am not exactly regular so you think I would have prepared myself for instances like this...but no. I just go on and let myself think that maybe just maybe I am pregnant. Then BAM! When the results come in I take a downward spiral like you've never seen. I turn into some crazy EMO B!! I don't like doing this to myself, yet I continue to do it. Every month.

I just read a story about a girl in a situation much like mine and it inspired me. She said that instead of spending her time being sad and depressed she used it to improve herself (health & weight) and improve the bond between her and her husband. Perhaps, I will adopt this much more pleasant way of life...but, my family on the other hand may think I have been abducted by aliens and replaced by a clone.

Screw it!

I am the worst blogger on the face of the planet! Better late than never...right?

So let's see...where did we leave off??? Oh, yes....with me NOT being pregnant, again. I have pretty much reached my end with this whole infertile business. I told my husband the other day that I am just ready to buy a baby, this waiting and then being disappointed every month gets really old, really fast.

This past month I was actually even a few days late. That is probably the worst practical joke that can be played on an infertile. To be late???? I was just about to let myself get a teensy-weensy bit excited and then I took a pregnancy test. Why do I even take them anymore?

After another failed month I went out and bought....no, not carrot cake...actually, I bought an ovulation predictor kit. I had stopped using them because I was convinced that they were cursed, plus while I was on meds the doctors pretty much predicted my ovulation for me. But, since I am going the o-naturale route I decided to take my chances. Will it help? I don't know...it didn't in the past. But standing on my head is getting kind of old.

Are you sensing some bitterness in my blog?? You should be. I am past the point of "why" and at the point of "wtf??" I know it is ugly, but I guess I am in an ugly place right now. I am tired of seeing idiot girls with babies that they don't deserve. I am tired of hearing about some loser crack ho giving birth for the 4th, 5th, or 6th time. I am a good person, I am a good mother (most of the time). I love my husband. I have a good job. I have a decent home. I just want another baby!!!!!!!

Screw it!

Gettin' my Reiki on...

I have once again been avoiding my blog. I suppose it is for the mere fact that I feel so incredibly boring now that I am not injecting myself with hormones or ingesting mountains of "crazy" pills on a daily basis. But, never fear...I have started Reiki therapy so the fun shall soon begin!

Since my last update I have continued a regimen of low carb food, insulin medication and prenatal vitamins and what has it done for me? A whole lotta nothin'! Yep, another unsuccessful month. But, I am not giving up...oh, no...now I am under the care of a certified Reiki Practitioner (aka my sister).

So Reiki Therapy...yeah, I am not exactly sure what it is except that I think it has something to do with transferring positive energy and opening yourself up to allow good energy to flow. It comes from the practice of Yoga and meditation, I think. Anyway, my sister has become a certified Reiki Practitioner, and I am currently her only client. She preformed her first Reiki session on me the other day and it was successful...I think. I mean, we got through it without either one of us breaking into hideous laughter or being drunk so I am pretty sure that is a good thing. I went into it with a very open mind. I believe that our own minds have some control over our circumstances. My goal is to allow myself to change the things I can and accept the things I can't (change). Which I am pretty sure is kind of the whole concept behind Reiki, but I could be wrong.

Four days after my Reiki treatment I woke up to a very unwelcome visitor...AF. A sure sign that I was once again, not pregnant. But, this time it was different. I didn't cry hysterically or break down into a million pieces. I just felt disappointed and went on with my day. I was kind of a biotch the whole day, but I think that is just part of the package!! Reiki??? Maybe.

I am not accepting the fact that I am infertile, I am accepting the fact that I am not pregnant this month. I am also accepting the fact that I can hopefully change that in the future...the near future.

Suck it Up!

So, I must apologize for not updating sooner. School has started and I just have found myself much busier than normal...that's a lie.

The truth is, I have purposely stayed away from the blog to avoid admitting, yet again, that my body, mind and faith have failed me. I guess it just reminds me that I am still...infertile.

So, "suck it up" I have said to myself. I am carrying on. There is good news to report though...I have managed by some miracle to stick to my diet (the one that is supposed to increase my fertility and not jack up my ovaries, but we are not counting the 2 days following the infamous phone call of doom...there was a lot of carrot cake involved and we are just going to overlook those...right???) anyway...I am at my lowest weight in 10 years!!!! Yay, Me!!! My goal is to use this opportunity (the not being pregnant one) to lose more weight, so that when I do get pregnant I can get fat, but be less fat than I would have been had I not lost more weight...make sense?? Well, it does to me, sort of.

As part of campaign "SUCK IT UP and move on with my life" I have decided to make a list of positive things that have resulted from my negative results...make sense??? Also, since I am going to take a short break from medical assisted fertility, these are things I can look forward to.

• no more getting up at 5:30 am for doctor's appointments...instead I will be getting up at 6:30 am to face 21 second graders (there are days I'd rather see the doctor)
  
• less visitors up in my "lady business" (aka Gloria) for awhile...that ultrasound wand was just getting a little too comfortable in there
• I can keep my pants on
  
• no more shots!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• less hormones raging within my being
  
• maybe now the metamorphosis into Mega-Bitch will be a little less frequent (hence, the less hormones) Disclaimer: NO PROMISES HERE!!!!
  
• no more sweat attacks!!! perhaps sweat will now only appear from places in which it is meant to, and only after a vigorous workout (which is likely to happen...never)
• wine, wine glorious wine!!! We have been apart for too long my friend.
• random sex!!! no more calendars or alarm clocks to tell me when I have to "do it"
• no more binge eating and tremendous guilt afterward...wait, scratch that...this probably will never go away
• no morning sickness (although, secretly...I'd puke my guts out every single day if that is what it takes to get me a baby!!!)
• no weight gain (but again, I'd gain a million pounds if that is what it took)
• ok...wait...this list is starting to make me sad....

The point is, I am trying to be positive and look at the bright side...but the truth is, I'd give just about anything to be pregnant. I am going to "suck it up" but I am not going to give up! I still have faith...renewed faith even. I believe that this is going to happen for me. Until it does, I will continue to find the positive things to get me through it!


I guess the best thing about not being pregnant this month is that...we can just keep trying!!!!

I've been a bad blogger! I should have updated you before now, but I have felt kind of...suckish (a word I learned from my 6 year old - he learned it from iCarly)...and not suckish in a good way.

I went to the doctor on Tuesday for my blood work. I felt good, I felt confident, I felt hopeful. My appointment was at 8:30, but I didn't get the results until around 5:00 pm, so all day my stomach was in knots. I couldn't eat (but I made up for it). I couldn't sit still. Luckily, I had an entire classroom to put together to keep my mind of it (but it didn't). At 5:00 my phone rang and I new instantly who it was (not because I was getting a vibe or anything...just the whole caller i.d. thing). I answered it. As soon as the nurse said "Hi, Angela" I knew the outcome. I could tell. She had an "I feel sorry for you" overtone in her voice. She told me the results were negative... and that was that. I had to answer her questions with one word responses in an effort not to cry right there in the phone. As soon as we hung up... it was over. I was a mess. My husband tried to comfort me, but there was really no use. I felt as if I had just lost another baby. I guess I had created this baby in my mind. I was trying so hard to believe that I was pregnant. I was angry. I was sad. I was hurt. I was disappointed. I was pissed.

I think I am over it now. Sort of. At least I am over being angry. I know there is no reason to mad. Who am I going to get mad at?

The funny thing is, I imagined how the phone call would go all day. And for some reason it was so much easier to imagine the scenario that I didn't want to happen rather than the one I so desperately wanted. Why? I am guessing that I am just so use to hearing "no" or "negative results" or seeing damn single lines for so long that I forgot how to imagine the opposite. Everytime I would imagine the nurse calling me and saying "you're pregnant," something in the back of my mind kept telling me that wasn't going to happen. But, I tried so hard to get past it. I wanted to believe that this could happen for me. Did I not believe enough? Did I not have enough faith?

So where does this leave us??? Well, I think I am going to take a break from the medical assisted reproduction for a while. I am going to go another route for a few months...a holistic route. (This could get interesting) The holistic route is also know as the free and desperate route. I'll keep you updated.

I have not given up! I will not give up! I know that it is going to happen!

P.S. Later that night, after I got the results, my husband had to run up to the store. He, as he always does, asked me if I needed anything. My reply???? "Carrot Cake!" And this time, I absolutely meant it!

Seriously????

I love being a mother. I love everything about it. Don't get me wrong, there are times when I get stressed, tired and worn out...but I still love it. So it confuses me that I have not been blessed with an abundance of children. I use to dream about having tons of kids. My mom has 8 siblings, and that has always been cool to me. I loved having lots of Aunts, Uncles and cousins. For a long time there was always a baby around, and I loved that. Actually, I guess there still is always a baby around but it is the cousins having babies now...except me.

This particular phenomenon (the whole everyone is having babies but me thing) has really started to bother me recently. Being a teacher, I have met tons of parents who really have no business being so. It angers me when I hear of some crack whore having yet another baby, when I am sitting here, a good person, a good mother...babyless.

A few summers ago my guilty pleasure was watching that show Girls Next Door (the one about Hugh Heffners girlfriends). I loved it. I don't know why, but I thought those girls were hilarious, well all except for one...Kendra. I couldn't stand her. She reminded me of some trashy high school drop out kind of girl. She was so raunchy and had absolutely no class whatsoever. Imagine my surprise when I hear a few weeks ago that she is pregnant!!!! I was furious!! My thoughts: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? SERIOUSLY? SHE IS A BETTER CHOICE THAN ME? Talk about lowering your standards.

Now, I know that God did not choose her over me, but at times it seems that way. I keep thinking what am I doing or not doing that is keeping me from having a baby? Maybe, it is the fact that I cuss every now and then, or that I enjoy a glass of wine from time to time, or that I have been known to "accidentally" forget to set the alarm clock on Sunday mornings and then oversleep...and miss church (but, only when I am so terribly tired), or that even though I am an educated person I use commas in this blog like there crack and I'm an addict who just needs a fix every few words or so, or maybe it's that I don't force the kid I already have to eat vegetables, or the fact that on his first dentist appointment he had two (teeny-tiny) cavities, or the fact that I didn't take him to the dentist until he was six (I know...mother of the year here I come), or maybe that I have been living at a new address for two years and still have not changed my address on my driver's license.

I don't know what the reason is. I could make that list go on forever about all my imperfections and faults. But, no matter how long my list is I'm willing to bet that it wouldn't be as long as Kendra's.

I know that now matter how imperfect I may be, I will love my children and raise them to be polite, respectful, humble people. I know that I am a good mother, maybe not every one's definition of good, but good nonetheless.

And I know that it sounds like I don't have faith sometimes, but really I do. There is not a part of me that doubts the fact that God will bless my family once again. I know this will happen. It is the fact that I don't know when that makes it hard.

Fertility Update

• Trying to conceive since 2006
• September 2008 - had AF for 40 days with severe cramping and lots of problems knew something was very wrong
• November 2008 - diagnosed with PCOS, endometriosis (sp?), and fibroids, had surgery to correct as much as they can
• December 2008 - tried natural with at home fertility monitor / negative results
  
• January 2009 - began fertility meds: Metformin daily to control insulin (insulin is a major factor in PCOS), Chlomid to induce ovulation
• February 2009 - Negative Pregnancy test
• March 2009 - still Metformin, Letrozole to induce ovulation, HCG shots to trigger egg release
• April 2009 - negative pregnancy test
• May 2009 - repeat of March
• June 2009 - negative preg test
• July 2009 - still metformin, Letrozole, FSH shots to stimulate egg growth, HCG shots to trigger, progesterone to ...I don't really know what that is supposed to do
• currently I feel moody and bloated, I have a lot of pain in my lower abdominal area, my insides feel about 4 times their size...here's hoping these are good signs!!
• August 2009 - ?????????????????

Current fertility expenses: approx $5,000 my insurance doesn't cover any of it

And I would do it all over again in a heartbeat...especially a little tiny baby heartbeat!

I hate those Umpa-Lumpas!

If you haven't figured it out by now, let me tell you that the side effects of fertility meds are loads of fun! It is like your own private roller coaster...literally. Let me paint you a picture:

I wake up. I make coffee. It tastes like crap, no wait it's good, no wait...I can't decide. I watch the Today Show (the hour with Kathie Lee and Hoda) and am in tears in a matter of minutes (probably crying over something so not tear worthy like the ambush makeover or Girls Night In segments). I pull myself together. I am hungry, but everything in my kitchen makes me want to vomit. The only thing that looks good are the Salt & Vinegar chips that belong to my husband and I am not supposed to eat anyway. But I do. Then i cry again because I feel guilty about cheating on my fertility increasing diet. I Pull myself together. I decide to work out. The Wii fit tells me that I have gained 2 pounds and makes my Mii character look like an umpa-lumpa. I cry again. And again. I pull myself together. I say screw the work out, I am a giant fat umpa-lumpa who cares anyway. I am hungry. I eat a salad. YUM! Not, really. In the midst of trying to enjoy my salad I begin to sweat uncontrollably, for no reason at all. My husband comes in and sees me sweating like a sumo wrestler. I run into the bathroom. Crying. Because I feel like a sweaty, fat, sumo wrestling, umpa-lumpa...and I hate those damn umpa lumpas.

An Emotional Rant

Before I get started with my rant of the day, let me just say that I am so grateful for my family. They are so supportive of what I am going through, and even though it sounds like all I do is complain, I know that one day this will all be worth it.

On with the rant...

I find myself at this very moment sitting in my house alone. My husband took our son to the movies to give me a little "time to relax"...that is actually code for: we are getting the hell outta here because your craziness is scaring the bejesus out of us. And it is true. I have turned into a crazy, emotional, nut case version of myself. I am blissfully happy one minute then crying my eyes out the next. For example, yesterday I found myself crying over an episode of Hannah Montana (ok...there is no excuse for me watching that show in the first place, but I was). I can't even remember what made me cry. I think it was when Jackson (Hannah's brother) replaced Hannah's favorite teddy bear that he ruined accidentally. Yep, that was it. Because of course, that made me think that my poor child does not have a sibling to replace his favorite teddy bear if it were to get ruined...accidentally. And the sobbing began. Then this morning I saw on the news a story about these four siblings who are in foster care and want to be adopted, and the flood gates opened. This time, I was crying out of guilt, because I felt somewhat selfish.

Am I being selfish by doing all of this fertility crap when there are tons of children out there needing a home?

Is it selfish that deep down I want my baby to come from my own womb?

Is it selfish that I am even doing fertility when I have a child of my very own?

And what about the fact that there are many women out there who are going through much worse circumstances than I am, does it make me selfish to even take the time to blog (complain) about what I am going through?

O.k...whew...simmer down now! See what I mean, my emotions are a mess. Once I get started I can't stop.

I have to believe that I am not being selfish, I am just being a woman who wants to be a mother again. And I have to believe that one way or another I will accomplish just that. Whether it be medically assisted, adoption, or maybe even a miracle, I believe that I will have another child.

I will find out if I am pregnant in one week from tomorrow. I am really not sure how I feel about it. I mean I am going on 4 years of negative results, after that it is hard to think positively.
But, I will!
I am!
In my prayers I no longer ask God for a baby, now I thank him for the baby that he is going to send me. I refuse to let 4 years of "no" ruin my optimism!
Part of me doesn't even want to know, just let me go on with my life in wonder. Ignorance is bliss, right? I mean I could end up on that show "I didn't know I was pregnant." At least that way I could maybe afford all of my medical bills!

You want me to put that where?

Total honesty! TMI Alert!!!

Over this last year my Va-Jay-Jay (whom I will from now on refer to as Gloria) has had more traffic than grand central. But, it is not what you think...our most frequent visitor is that fabulous little (well not really so little) ultrasound wand. In fact, when I do have a baby I will not be a bit surprised if it comes out looking like a tiny ultrasound machine, screen and all! So let's just say that modesty left me along time ago (and I used to be a very modest person). Gloria has more company than she knows what to do with. With that being said you would think that I would not freak the heck out when I read "insert 1 capsule twice daily" on my latest prescription bottle. But I did! When I first read it, I thought well that's a weird way to word it, what do i insert it into my throat or something? Oh, but I don't! Luckily, I was bored one day and actually read the prescription information leaflet and it explained just exactly where I needed to insert the capsule. (thank God I read it, what would have happened if I would have swallowed the damn thing) Holy shizzle! You want me to put that where? You have got to be kidding me!

I decided that I was so not cool with this (and neither was Gloria). I took my case to the doctor...and this is how it went down:

Me: yeah, so about these capsules ...umm how am I supposed to do this?

Her: it sounds weird, but it is much better to do it this way, just insert 1 into your "Gloria" twice a day.

Me: umm, no but for real...I can't do that

Her: yes you can.

Me: ummm...

Her: YOU CAN! But, if you don't feel comfortable you can use an applicator, or just have him do it.

Me: Say What?????????

and so let's just say Gloria and I have gotten very familiar with each other. There was no way in Hell I was going to let him do it. I didn't even want him to know that I had to do it.

I guess you could say that I'm taking this one for the team! It is amazing what mothers will do for their children, even the children who don't even exist yet. But, it sure would be nice if this kid turns out to be a rich doctor or a mega millionaire of some sort...then I could sue him for pain and suffering! (Calm your panties...it was a joke!!!)

Much Love yall,

The Infertile Goddess & Gloria

The Secrets...

You know you are dealing with infertility if:

• You spend half a month's salary on pregnancy tests
• and the other half on twizzlers and cheetos when they all turn out negative (oh, wait maybe that is just me)
• you have ever ran to your closet after "you know what" to hide and stand on your head (seriously, we do this)
• every time you walk into a doctor's office you instinctively take off your pants (which ordinarily would not be a problem until you realize that you are at the pediatrician's office for your child's back to school physical)
• you have had to restrain yourself from just beating the crap out of people who say "I think it's time to try for another one" or "do they know what is wrong with you yet"
• you spend hours in the baby section at Wal-Mart "just looking" and then get pissed off when someone comes and actually has to buy something...for their REAL baby
• you have been know to talk to your uterus (come on girl, you can do it!)
• You become infuriated when you see mothers who have no business being mothers
• and you have maybe even considered (even if just for a millisecond) just taking one of those precious babies from one of those bad mothers and running far-far way
• You hate Angelina Jolie, because apparently she can grow babies in her back yard
• you have a pillow for your butt (it is a gravity thing)
• you have ever set your alarm clock for sex
• you are no longer afraid of needles

and lastly...

• you know you are dealing with infertility when you hear a baby cry and your eyes well up with tears or when hearing the joyous news of someones new pregnancy makes you secretly sick to your stomach or when you no longer feel happy just to hold someone elses baby, it now makes you kind of...sad, but you do it and you put a smile on your face and you say congratulations and make a big fuss, then you go home cry your eyes out and break out the cheetos and twizzlers again.

And those are the secrets of being infertile!

Lucky Duck

At 5:30 a.m. this morning I woke to the blaring sound of the alarm clock (it is my summer vacation mind you). At first I wanted to reach over and throw the stupid thing out of the window, then I remembered...doctor's appointment! I shot out of bed and began the preparations for you know "that" kind of appointment. By 7:00 we were in the car and on our way.

As they call my name to go in, I am confident and cool. I am expecting good news today. However, the confidence flew right out the window when I heard the words, "step up onto the scale please." Damn it! The carrot cake is getting the last word after all. Luckily, I didn't gain...didn't lose, but still didn't gain!

Once we are in the room I instruct my husband to sit in the chair behind the curtain (I am still a little modest about this stuff). The doctor however had a different approach, she boisterously enters the room like a giant ball of sunshine and says to my husband, " What are ya shy or something? Get on out of there and enjoy the show!" And he did. I didn't mind really, she was right he needs to kind of know what is going on too.
During the exam she gives us a little tour of my uterus on the ultrasound screen using words like: beautiful, adorable, and cutie pie to describe the various things that she sees. For example, my bladder was adorable, my uterus was beautiful, and the follicles on my ovaries were just little ol' cutie pies. (Secretly I was proud that I had a beautiful uterus).
Turns out that I have five follicles that could turn into fertilizable eggs. Wow...this is the great news that I was hoping for! We are stoked! We were kind of freaked by the number 5, but beggars can't be choosers, right?

As I am just about to leave the office another patient says to me, "how'd it go, good news?" And then I said something that one can only really say in a fertility clinic (or in a hen house I guess) "yes, I have 5 good eggs." "Ohhhh," she replies, "Lucky Duck, I only had 3."

And I left with a renewed sense of confidence, because I was after all a very lucky duck!

Carrot Cake

One of the perks to being barren (w/PCOS) is you get to enjoy a life free of pasta, chips, crackers, cookies, cakes, etc... All of the things that I love most in this world (as far as food goes anyway) are off limits for me. Apparently this "diet" (or torture) is supposed to help my jacked up ovaries be a little less jacked up. Being a carboholic it takes everything within me to avoid those sweet and starchy treats that I adore so much...but, I'm willing to do it, you know for the baby!

So, earlier today my husband was running up to the store for something and very kindly asked me if I needed anything. My reply..."Carrot Cake," of course! He then asks me in a very concerned tone, "can you even have carrot cake?" I pretend not to hear him and dash into the bathroom. I wasn't really serious about the carrot cake, it was more like a wish...but yes, way down deep in my carb deprived body I so wanted it!

Later on, I go into the kitchen to start dinner and what do I see sitting upon my counter top? A delicious, glorious, magnificent carrot cake! It was just sitting there as if God himself had just sent it down from the heavens. At that moment I didn't know if I wanted to eat it or make out with it. I swear it called out to me and like the good girl that I am I answered the call...with a fork!

Suddenly, I was overcome with guilt. I quickly put the cake away (facing the missing piece toward the back of the fridge), threw my dishes in the dishwasher and desperately tried to get rid of the evidence.

Oh! Crap! What have I done?? Have I ruined my chances for this month? Have I destroyed my ovaries even more? What do I do? What do I do?

An idea strikes. I frantically run upstairs pop a disc into the Wii and hula hoop my ass off!

My theory is that I can burn those carbs and sugars off before they have a chance to invade my precious ovaries. Did it work? I have no idea, but I did feel better...sort of.

Dealing with infertility has taught me something...I really, really love carrot cake!

Sweat Attack!

I am sitting at my computer upholding my daily Facebook commitment when out of nowhere sweat begins to poor from every surface of my body. I wipe my hand across my lip and...GROSS, lip sweat! Knee sweat. Elbow sweat. Everywhere is sweat-sweat! (sorry, had to do it) Then I realize...this is not normal, something is not right. I immediately go to my browser and type in the name of every medication that I am on, and yep...just as I suspected...Hot Flash! My thoughts at that moment: Holy Crap, I'm 31 years old and I'm having a freakin hot flash!

Apparently one of the side effects to some of my "baby making magic pills" is hot flashes! Awesome! So let me get the straight...I am crying at everything I see on t.v. (including commercials), I'm changing moods like it's my job, I'm starving (and would kill someone for a doughnut), let's not forget the nauseousness that frequents all too often, and now I have the power to break out into a profuse sweat at random. Sweet! Oh, wait on top of all of this...I am supposed to feel pretty and have sex at some point (you know to actually make a baby).

This just keeps getting better! Oh, but wait there's more...tomorrow I get to start injecting myself with even more medicine...Bonus!

The Secret Life of the Infertile

As I type this I am internally contemplating whether or not I should...and the winner is...I should, well, maybe not should but will!

This is a blog about infertility and why it sucks! If you are reading this I am assuming that you too have dealt with the subject or perhaps are just really really bored! So get ready...this is my story, the good, the bad, and the really-really gross!!

In the Beginning
Six years ago (almost seven really) I became a mother. No drugs, no tricks (well, that depends on what one classifies as "tricks"), no blogs...just good old fashioned conception. Viola! There he was, after 21 hours of labor and a last minute C-section...that is. Not really the heavenly lights shining down upon me and the Angels singing kind of experience I had expected, but I was a mother nonetheless. Fifteen months after giving birth I found myself unexpectedly "knocked up" again. After the initial shock dissipated, we were really happy. Being that there is a five year age difference between my siblings and I, I was excited to have children close together. Happiness eventually turned to horror when I lost the pregnancy. I cried, I grieved, I ate a lot of Cheetos, but eventually I healed and moved on with my life. Almost two years later, after only a few months of trying I saw those glorious double lines once again! Oh, but the happiness did not last long I miscarried at 10 weeks, and again with the Cheetos...wha-wha-whaaaaaaaaa! This time I was severely pissed. I was angry at everyone, my doctor, my husband, my job, the mail man. I expected the whole town to shut down and grieve for my loss, even though very few people even knew I was pregnant. I still thought I deserved some kind of memorial for having to go through such suckish circumstances. This one took a little longer to get over, especially when people heard about what happened. You see, I live in a really small town. (No, really a very small town) Word travels fast around here, and for the most part people where very kind and sympathetic to my situation...for the MOST PART. However, there are those few people who should not be gifted with the ability to speak who had the audacity to say to me "do they know what is wrong with you?" WHAT? Are you kidding me?? Since then I have come to realize that when you have 1 miscarriage people feel sorry for you and try to make you feel better, but when you have more than 1 you are instantly a member of this "they have problems" club. It's like you have a disease and people what to know what it is and how they can keep from getting it. I had friends who didn't want to talk about the subject of pregnancy around me because they thought I would jinx them or something. It is not contagious people...at least not from one person to another.

The Fertility Train
So here I am 3 years later...still not pregnant, but no more miscarriages so that's a plus!?! I am so blessed to have one son, he is wonderful and perfect, and I know this!! But, I deeply desire (with every fiber of my being) more children. I originally wanted 4, I'm Italian so it's kind of my job to have a big family. We have been trying to conceive (ttc in message board lingo) for 3 years...with no luck obviously. Last September AF came to visit as she does every month, however she apparently had decided that a "visit" just wasn't long enough so she moved herself on in...and stayed for 40 days!!!!! Yes, 40 days!!! A whole new kind of flood! (you see, this is the really-really gross part). I ended up having to go on medication to get her to go on her merry way and then began seeing a specialist, a "reproductive endocrinologist" to be exact. So, I guess that nosey old lady was right, there really was something wrong with me.

After lots of tests, and surgery I found out that I have Poly cystic Ovary Syndrome(PCOS), or just "jacked up ovaries" as I like to call them. I am only 31, what the heck?? I should not have fertility issues!!! My husband, who is 10 years older than me, passed his test (and you know what kind of test I am talking about) with flying colors! In fact, when the doctor gave us his results he mentioned that my husband may even want to put them on the refrigerator for display. I believe, "you could give some 20 year olds a run for their money," were his exact words.

So here I am, on my 3rd round of Fertility drugs, blogging about it, and on a special low carb diet - Awesome!

(Warning if I run into you and you have a sandwich there is a strong possibility that one of us will not walk away from the situation, there is an even stronger possibility that that person will not be me...I'm frustrated, on hormones, and hungry...watch the eff out America!)