I've been a bad blogger! I should have updated you before now, but I have felt kind of...suckish (a word I learned from my 6 year old - he learned it from iCarly)...and not suckish in a good way.

I went to the doctor on Tuesday for my blood work. I felt good, I felt confident, I felt hopeful. My appointment was at 8:30, but I didn't get the results until around 5:00 pm, so all day my stomach was in knots. I couldn't eat (but I made up for it). I couldn't sit still. Luckily, I had an entire classroom to put together to keep my mind of it (but it didn't). At 5:00 my phone rang and I new instantly who it was (not because I was getting a vibe or anything...just the whole caller i.d. thing). I answered it. As soon as the nurse said "Hi, Angela" I knew the outcome. I could tell. She had an "I feel sorry for you" overtone in her voice. She told me the results were negative... and that was that. I had to answer her questions with one word responses in an effort not to cry right there in the phone. As soon as we hung up... it was over. I was a mess. My husband tried to comfort me, but there was really no use. I felt as if I had just lost another baby. I guess I had created this baby in my mind. I was trying so hard to believe that I was pregnant. I was angry. I was sad. I was hurt. I was disappointed. I was pissed.

I think I am over it now. Sort of. At least I am over being angry. I know there is no reason to mad. Who am I going to get mad at?

The funny thing is, I imagined how the phone call would go all day. And for some reason it was so much easier to imagine the scenario that I didn't want to happen rather than the one I so desperately wanted. Why? I am guessing that I am just so use to hearing "no" or "negative results" or seeing damn single lines for so long that I forgot how to imagine the opposite. Everytime I would imagine the nurse calling me and saying "you're pregnant," something in the back of my mind kept telling me that wasn't going to happen. But, I tried so hard to get past it. I wanted to believe that this could happen for me. Did I not believe enough? Did I not have enough faith?

So where does this leave us??? Well, I think I am going to take a break from the medical assisted reproduction for a while. I am going to go another route for a few months...a holistic route. (This could get interesting) The holistic route is also know as the free and desperate route. I'll keep you updated.

I have not given up! I will not give up! I know that it is going to happen!

P.S. Later that night, after I got the results, my husband had to run up to the store. He, as he always does, asked me if I needed anything. My reply???? "Carrot Cake!" And this time, I absolutely meant it!