An Emotional Rant

Before I get started with my rant of the day, let me just say that I am so grateful for my family. They are so supportive of what I am going through, and even though it sounds like all I do is complain, I know that one day this will all be worth it.

On with the rant...

I find myself at this very moment sitting in my house alone. My husband took our son to the movies to give me a little "time to relax"...that is actually code for: we are getting the hell outta here because your craziness is scaring the bejesus out of us. And it is true. I have turned into a crazy, emotional, nut case version of myself. I am blissfully happy one minute then crying my eyes out the next. For example, yesterday I found myself crying over an episode of Hannah Montana (ok...there is no excuse for me watching that show in the first place, but I was). I can't even remember what made me cry. I think it was when Jackson (Hannah's brother) replaced Hannah's favorite teddy bear that he ruined accidentally. Yep, that was it. Because of course, that made me think that my poor child does not have a sibling to replace his favorite teddy bear if it were to get ruined...accidentally. And the sobbing began. Then this morning I saw on the news a story about these four siblings who are in foster care and want to be adopted, and the flood gates opened. This time, I was crying out of guilt, because I felt somewhat selfish.

Am I being selfish by doing all of this fertility crap when there are tons of children out there needing a home?

Is it selfish that deep down I want my baby to come from my own womb?

Is it selfish that I am even doing fertility when I have a child of my very own?

And what about the fact that there are many women out there who are going through much worse circumstances than I am, does it make me selfish to even take the time to blog (complain) about what I am going through?

O.k...whew...simmer down now! See what I mean, my emotions are a mess. Once I get started I can't stop.

I have to believe that I am not being selfish, I am just being a woman who wants to be a mother again. And I have to believe that one way or another I will accomplish just that. Whether it be medically assisted, adoption, or maybe even a miracle, I believe that I will have another child.

I will find out if I am pregnant in one week from tomorrow. I am really not sure how I feel about it. I mean I am going on 4 years of negative results, after that it is hard to think positively.
But, I will!
I am!
In my prayers I no longer ask God for a baby, now I thank him for the baby that he is going to send me. I refuse to let 4 years of "no" ruin my optimism!
Part of me doesn't even want to know, just let me go on with my life in wonder. Ignorance is bliss, right? I mean I could end up on that show "I didn't know I was pregnant." At least that way I could maybe afford all of my medical bills!