This particular phenomenon (the whole everyone is having babies but me thing) has really started to bother me recently. Being a teacher, I have met tons of parents who really have no business being so. It angers me when I hear of some crack whore having yet another baby, when I am sitting here, a good person, a good mother...babyless.
A few summers ago my guilty pleasure was watching that show Girls Next Door (the one about Hugh Heffners girlfriends). I loved it. I don't know why, but I thought those girls were hilarious, well all except for one...Kendra. I couldn't stand her. She reminded me of some trashy high school drop out kind of girl. She was so raunchy and had absolutely no class whatsoever. Imagine my surprise when I hear a few weeks ago that she is pregnant!!!! I was furious!! My thoughts: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? SERIOUSLY? SHE IS A BETTER CHOICE THAN ME? Talk about lowering your standards.
Now, I know that God did not choose her over me, but at times it seems that way. I keep thinking what am I doing or not doing that is keeping me from having a baby? Maybe, it is the fact that I cuss every now and then, or that I enjoy a glass of wine from time to time, or that I have been known to "accidentally" forget to set the alarm clock on Sunday mornings and then oversleep...and miss church (but, only when I am so terribly tired), or that even though I am an educated person I use commas in this blog like there crack and I'm an addict who just needs a fix every few words or so, or maybe it's that I don't force the kid I already have to eat vegetables, or the fact that on his first dentist appointment he had two (teeny-tiny) cavities, or the fact that I didn't take him to the dentist until he was six (I know...mother of the year here I come), or maybe that I have been living at a new address for two years and still have not changed my address on my driver's license.
I don't know what the reason is. I could make that list go on forever about all my imperfections and faults. But, no matter how long my list is I'm willing to bet that it wouldn't be as long as Kendra's.
I know that now matter how imperfect I may be, I will love my children and raise them to be polite, respectful, humble people. I know that I am a good mother, maybe not every one's definition of good, but good nonetheless.
And I know that it sounds like I don't have faith sometimes, but really I do. There is not a part of me that doubts the fact that God will bless my family once again. I know this will happen. It is the fact that I don't know when that makes it hard.
Fertility Update
- Trying to conceive since 2006
- September 2008 - had AF for 40 days with severe cramping and lots of problems knew something was very wrong
- November 2008 - diagnosed with PCOS, endometriosis (sp?), and fibroids, had surgery to correct as much as they can
- December 2008 - tried natural with at home fertility monitor / negative results
- January 2009 - began fertility meds: Metformin daily to control insulin (insulin is a major factor in PCOS), Chlomid to induce ovulation
- February 2009 - Negative Pregnancy test
- March 2009 - still Metformin, Letrozole to induce ovulation, HCG shots to trigger egg release
- April 2009 - negative pregnancy test
- May 2009 - repeat of March
- June 2009 - negative preg test
- July 2009 - still metformin, Letrozole, FSH shots to stimulate egg growth, HCG shots to trigger, progesterone to ...I don't really know what that is supposed to do
- currently I feel moody and bloated, I have a lot of pain in my lower abdominal area, my insides feel about 4 times their size...here's hoping these are good signs!!
- August 2009 - ?????????????????
Current fertility expenses: approx $5,000 my insurance doesn't cover any of it
And I would do it all over again in a heartbeat...especially a little tiny baby heartbeat!
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