No Go

Well...I got the call yesterday, and it was the same as last time. It began with an "I'm so sorry." Ugh! I hate those damn phone calls! Another - big FAT NEGATIVE :(!

I am sad, but I am not angry. I promised God that I would love him no matter what and I do. I have a lot to be thankful for. My husband had another clear PET scan today...that means the cancer is really-really gone!! In spite of how sucky yesterday was - we still can rejoice today! Thank you Lord for your blessings!!!

I admit though, that I was really shocked that it didn't work. I was so sure that it would. I really thought this time was going to be IT. I just felt like everything was falling into place - it was just working out perfectly. The money even just kind of "fell from the sky." I am not sure how we got it all, but we did. I just really felt like God was leading us down this path...maybe he was, maybe it was a test to see if we would give up if we didn't get what we wanted. We won't. We will never give up...on God...or on our dream.

I have to tell you though that when I allow myself to go to that dark place...that really dark place this is what I see:

1. healthy baby boy - first go-round at parenting
2. miscarriage
3. miscarriage
4. failed fertility cycle (clomid and natural intercourse)
5. failed fertility cycle (oral meds, hormones, and natural intercourse)
6. failed fertility cycle (oral meds, hormones, injectables, and natural intercourse)
7. husband diagnosed with cancer which can cause infertility
8. failed IVF cycle

So, all of this makes me think...did we just really screw things up so bad that God wants to put a stop to our procreation??

Deep down I know that is not true...I did tell you it was a really dark place. Sometimes, we go to those dark places whether we want to or not.

Actually, what I think it is - is this: Having another child is the deepest desire of my heart, it is probably the only thing in life that I want that I do not already have. I think Satan has tried all of these tricks to steal my faith. You would think he would toss in the damn towel by now!!!

But through it all - I will not give up my faith. I will still have hope, and one day we will have our baby!

I believe God.

Waiting Game

So...

We are now implanted...here is how it went down.

We arrived at the doctor's office the day of our IVF transfer at 8am. It was a Sunday, 5 days after the "egg hunt" (so, really what I am trying to say is that I had to get up way too early on my day off). When we arrived at the building we found the front entry door locked. At first I didn't worry about it - we were a bit early. But, as the time of my appointment kept creeping closer I started to get a little nervous. I made my husband try to pry the doors open - when that didn't work I started to panic. I called the answering service and in a few short minutes someone was down to let us in. Crisis averted!!

So, there we were in the room, ready to get the party started. After about 30 minutes I remembered that I had Valium in my purse - but I couldn't remember when I was supposed to take it. I made my husband run down the nurse and ask her...apparently I was supposed to take it on the way to the appointment - oh, well. It was taken regardless. So, after the Valium I realize that this situation is really not all that different from who it would have normally went down: I had on a slutty shirt (coincidence), no pants, the lights were dim, and I was half drunk...perfect baby making conditions ( it works for 16 year olds on prom night).

Once the doctor came in and got things rolling it really didn't take that long. We had a total of 8 embryos. We had 2 really good mature blastocysts so we went with those two. I even have a picture of them. I watched the doctor insert 2 tiny baby cell-balls (cell balls is a technical term...and it makes me laugh) into my uterus via a flat screen television hanging from the ceiling - my how things have changed for us!

After the transfer I had to lie still for 20 minutes - that wasn't hard with the Valium. Except for the fact that I was afraid to go to sleep for fear that I might pee my pants (not that I was wearing any) - did I mention that they have to do the transfer with a FULL bladder. The doctor even had me go to the bathroom and empty "2 cups" from my bladder (ever tried to do that???) and it was still FULL!!!!!!!!

On the way home I had an insatiable craving for Arby's - which just adds to my whole drunk 16 year old theory. We are so having a baby!!!!

It has been about a week since the transfer. A day has not gone by that someone hasn't asked "so...when will you know??" Yeah, I probably could have kept this whole situation to myself and wouldn't have to deal with that question - but I mean I blog (about my reproductive system)...I am not exactly a private person. Besides, I appreciate having so many supporters in my life. But - my answer to EVERYONE who asks when I will know is "in a couple of weeks." I don't want to give an exact date - that is just way too much pressure.

This brings us to...waiting...and praying. I have so much faith that THIS is going to work. I feel like this is God's plan for my life. I just have to...wait.

The best news is that my husband is DONE with chemo...forever!!!!! He is cancer free and we are so looking forward to our life after cancer - I KNOW that it includes a baby (or two).

Eggs, Eggs, Eggs

I suppose I should start by updating you on all of the craziness that has gone on these last few weeks.

I managed to successfully inject myself with RAGING hormones 3 times per night for a few weeks. I only gave myself about 47 bruises and turned my not-to-pretty tummy into an even bigger wreck - I mean really... it is gross! (for a while it was looking like blueberry muffin batter)

The night before I was to go in for my "Egg Retrieval" I ended up in the ER with my husband. I came home from work and he was burning up with a fever. Since he is a chemotherapy patient the doctor told us to go directly to the ER. We were there until about 1:00 am. They were able to get his fever down and everything else checked out ok (thank goodness) so they sent us on our way...again at 1:30 AM!!! I remember getting in bed at around 1:45ish. I had to be at the surgery center at 6:30 and at my sisters house at 5:30 (so she could drive me) so I was up again at 4:00 AM!!!! I had to get up early to take care of all of those tasks that one must do before she has a team of people all up in her GLORIA! Anyway, we made it to the surgery center on time and completely manicured for the procedure.

Operation: Egg Hunt

Since it was my first time having my eggs retrieved I had no idea what to expect. They took me to the O.R. and strapped me down...next thing I know I am waking up in recovery. That was easy! Until, I tried to get up. Holy Moly...what did they do go in there with a jack hammer to get those eggs? My mid section was swollen three times its size and felt like there had been and ovarian sumo wrestling match going on. I was in pain. But, it was nothing I couldn't handle!

After the procedure my sister took me to her house to recover. My husband was home sick at our house and I was laid up in another one...it was by far one of the craziest days of my life. But, worth every minute of it!

I guess it was around 1:00 in the afternoon when I got one of the most amazing, but strangest phone calls of my life...

My doctor's office called to tell me that they retrieved 10 (ten) eggs! (Doesn't that just sound weird.)

The next day they called to inform me that they had fertilized the eggs (with the frozen junk) and we now had 8 embryos!!!!!! EMBRYOS...That is how a baby begins!!!!

So now we are approaching our transfer date. The day that they will put those embryos (I don't know how many yet) into my womb and God will do his work. I am excited! I feel very peaceful and calm (so far).

As I think about my embryos...I secretly take comfort in knowing that technically I have 8 little baby cells that belong to me. My babies are here, they are just waiting for their mommy to come and get them.

As far as the hormones and preparing my body for the possibility of a pregnancy goes...I am a train wreck. I am on 2 hormone pills and a steroid twice a day. I have found that I can't sit still for even a minute, but when I am busy I just want to eat stuff...or yell at people. My boobs feel as if they are literally going to fall off (which would really suck) and my belly feels as if all 8 of those babies are in it having a soccer game. But, again...it is all worth it!

It also gives me great joy to know that my husband only has 1 more treatment left!! I have no idea what we were thinking when we decided to do all of this at the same time...but there is a reason, it will all be over at the end of this month and hopefully we can just enjoy and very healthy pregnancy!!!

Giving it my best Shot!

So I am on day 2 of my IVF treatment plan. So far it has gone like this:

Yesterday I took a total of 15 pills, yes that is a 1 and a 5! And the gave myself 2 injections.

Today I am down to just 5 pills and 2 injections!

For the next 10 or so days I will follow this schedule!! oh, wait I forgot...on Friday I will add a third injection and a lot more pills to my cocktail. Can it get any better??? Oh, yes it can. Over the next month I will take more pills, give myself more shots, have two "surgical" procedures, and have things put in places that I will not even mention...all in an effort to have a child. And, I get to pay money for every last bit of it!

So far I don't seem to have made the transformation into raving lunatic bitch yet...however if you ask my husband he may tell you a different story. And, after all it is only day two.

I don't like to think about the dreaded two weeks at the end of the month. Those are probably the darkest and most miserable days in the life of an infertile. The two week wait. They might as well call it the "Two weeks of being too scared to do anything including go to the bathroom, sneeze ,or cough for fear that you might accidentally push your baby out and ruin the whole thing."

Can that really happen? Probably not...but in the mind of a hormone ravaged, baby deprived, stressed out, financially broke, infertile... it so could.

So, we'll give it our best shot and see how it goes! No sneezing allowed!

Birth Control??

Surgery is over and I am polyp free! It was a cake walk considering everything that has been going on in my household over the last 6 months!

Actually, I really enjoyed the anesthesia induced nap...TREMENDOUSLY!

Here is a little known secret of being infertile...birth control pills are actually used to help you get pregnant. Yes, my doctor put me on birth control pills last month in order to regulate and suppress my body's hormones. So that I have a better chance of getting pregnant. Weird, right? Birth control as part of a fertility plan????

So, tonight I took my last birth control pill. And if I have it my way it will be my last pill for the rest of my life!!!!

I don't care if I end up pregnant with 8 babies this time. I don't think I could ever purposely prevent another pregnancy for the as long as I live. I mean when I think about all of the times that we were being "careful" I just feel sad - and think of it as a missed opportunity. I had no idea it was going to be this hard to make it happen. So, I have decided that I will never miss an opportunity to be a mother again. If I am 45 and by some miracle I end up pregnant -then it will be just that...a miracle!

And, forget surgical solutions - to think that my options would be eliminated forever makes me want to cringe. It is kind of one of those "don't know what you got 'till it's gone" things. I have never given my baby making business the credit that it truly deserves. In the past I took being fertile for granted. I complained every month when the "time" came (well, I still kind of of that...a lot). I remember a few times even praying that I wasn't pregnant because the "the time wasn't right" - now I consider that a form of blasphemy!

I am so thankful for every aspect of being a woman! When IT happens I am going to praise the Lord for every cramp, morning of sickness, pee sneeze (you know what that is), labor pain, stretch mark, and ounce of fat that it takes!!! It will all be worth it!

And the only birth control that I will practice - will be falling asleep before he does!

Here goes EVERYTHING!!!

Tomorrow I will walk into a doctor's office and write a check for over three thousand dollars! I am currently sick to my stomach - especially because that does not even cover the entire cost. Of what you ask...well a little something called Invetro-Fertilization.

Let me back up a little...

My husband has been doing great with his chemotherapy treatments. So great that he had a PET scan after treatment number 4 and it showed that the cancer was GONE!!! This good news sent us into an oblivion of bliss - as you might imagine. We decided that this news means we should go on with our plans for growing our family.

Remember the frozen junk?? Well it is time to use it or lose it! It turns out that with all of my problems we really aren't good candidates for artificial insemination...which of course only costs around 2 thousand dollars. Nope, apparently we are high rollers when it comes to being infertile so we qualify for the 10 thousand dollar program...know as IVF.

Last week I went in for my baseline ultrasound and they found a polyp in my uterus (of course they did). Turns out I can grow pretty much anything in there...except a baby. Tomorrow I will have surgery to remove it. I will also begin the roller coaster (IVF) that will hopefully end with a bouncy beautiful baby (or two...or three - who knows).

Which brings us to writing the biggest fattest check that I have ever written...and praying that my investment pays off!

We are literally putting all of our eggs in one basket...

Here goes everything!

My Resignation

For some reason over these last few days I have been more obsessed than usual with having a baby. I have wanted a baby for the last 5 years, but it is seriously all I have been thinking about lately. It is the kind of "want" that makes you want to kick, scream, and throw things. I feel like maybe just maybe if I jump up and down screaming or throw myself on the floor kicking then maybe someone will hear me and give me what I want.

I even decided (apparently because I love torture) to watch my old home videos from when I was pregnant with my son. I thought that would be a fabulous idea. It wasn't.

I am concluding that this latest "baby fit" has been brought on by my going to a baby shower the other day (you are thinking..."yep, that'll do it"). I went to a baby shower for a sweet girl who I had prayed and prayed would get pregnant. She did. My heart really is filled with true joy for her blessing. It is also filled with despair - all for me.

I have literally prayed for a dozen girls who came to me seeking advice. They heard my story and shared theirs with me, and I promised to pray for them as well as be here if they ever wanted to talk. Well, I did my part and eventually they have all become pregnant or had babies by now. I understand that sometimes God allows us to go through trials so that we may share them with others. Our "problems" are a vehicle for God to do his work. I am so grateful that God has used me over these last five years. I have been humbled and blessed by the girls I have met and the stories I have heard. But, I'm done!!! I am ready to pass this torch on to the next chick. I am ready to get in a new vehicle...travel down a new path. Please!!!!

I have reached the point of kicking and screaming...something must change soon.

Dear God,
It is without any regret that I inform you of my desire to retire from my current role as the "All Knowing Infertile Girl." I feel that I have been very effective in this position and have mastered the tasks set before me. It has been an honor to be the AKIG for the last five years, I have learned much and am now ready for a new challenge. In an effort to reach my full potential in this industry I am asking that I be considered for the next available opportunity in the Motherhood Department. I am available to begin immediately. A resume and references are available if needed. I will be anxiously awaiting to hear from you.

Truly Yours,

AKIG

I Have Been Blessed!

So, let's see...where were we? Oh, yes still not pregnant and now with an even slimmer (but not impossible) chance of ever getting pregnant. Ugh! This makes me angry.

My husband has now been through two rounds of chemotherapy and is doing amazingly well. I am so inspired by his diligence and attitude. This whole cancer experience has made us get down to the true nitty-gritty of marriage. I now fully understand the phrase "in sickness and in health." I love him more each minute and thank God everyday for him and our son!

With that being said...I must find something to complain about (right?)...

Okay, so here I am 32 years old dreaming about babies at night and spending my days visiting the OC (that will be my new term for oncologist...it sounds way cooler) with my husband. Even though this is my life and I embrace it whole heartily I am going to be completely honest and say that it is not what I expected! I never thought my husband could get sick. I seriously thought I'd have babies coming out of my ears by now. I never imagined that I'd have to fight so hard for the people that I love. But I do. And I will.

And get this...
To make matters worse, the office right next door to the OC is an OBGYN!!! Come on are you freakin' kidding me???!!! Every day as we make our trek to the OC I have to pass by these adorable couples and their precious pregnant bellies. Seriously, every time we go I feel as though I am in a parade of pregnant people, except I am obviously not pregnant so I kind of feel out of place. And angry. Yes, I get very mad at these sweet little pregnant girls. I have no idea why. They have never done anything to me. I just really really don't like them. I kinda want to punch them in the arm (or face) or something, but they are pregnant so I never would (well, that and the fact that I don't know who they are and they are probably really nice people...and I'm really not much of a fighter anyway). I feel like it is so unfair that we have to stop at the OC door and these girls with the bellies get to (smugly) walk right on past and into door number two (the special door, the golden door, the OBGYN). These girls have probably never even considered that their spouse could get sick, they have probably never had to struggle trying to get pregnant. They have probably never spent month after month (years) waiting, praying, and hoping...only to be disappointed. I highly doubt that their entire fertile future sits in some freezer in a doctor's office (not like the break room freezer or anything - I mean like a whole high tech specialty medically purposed freezer). They have probably never lost a baby, much less two.

And then I realize...how the heck do I know???? How do I know that there isn't a girl just like me or worse who is finally getting to experience joy? How do I know that these girls have such perfect lives? How do I know if these girls haven't felt the torture and heartache that comes from losing a baby that you have already begun to love. I don't!

I remind myself that there was a time when I too was one of these mythical, perfect, pregnant little girls who had not a care in the world. There was a time before cancer. There was a time before infertility. There was a time when I didn't care as much about the little things in life.

I complain about these many wrongs that have been done to me, but in all honesty they make me realize how much I have taken for granted. They make me realize how precious life truly is. And they make me not want to feel sorry for myself (although if you haven't figured out by now...I still will). They make me value the actual definition of marriage. They make me want to be a better mother. They make me want to love my husband into perfect health. They make me realize that no matter how bad, no matter how dark, no matter how ugly things might get...I have been blessed! And for this I am grateful!

Knowing that life was once grand and glorious also gives me hope. I know that one day I will sit with my cancer-free husband and cradle a baby that belongs to us. When this happens, I will be wiser and older...and I will never take a moment for granted. Because, I know I have most definitely been blessed!

No Pressure or Anything!

Vacation is officially over...now the real fun begins!

We recently spent a week in the mountains. We rented a cabin, hiked, went rafting, saw waterfalls, explored caves, and even saw a bear! It was an amazing vacation. The best part about the whole thing was that not once did we talk about fertility or cancer. Not once! We just enjoyed each other. We slept late and played all day. It was glorious!

I must admit, as weird as it sounds, when the vacation was coming to a close...I was actually ready. I think that is the sign of a great vacation. It did it's job (the vacation, I mean)...we had fun, totally escaped reality for a bit, but when it was over we were prepared and ready for the fight that was ahead of us. On the way home I actually started to get excited. Not about cancer, chemo, or the chryopreservation that we were about to encounter, but about being one step closer to being OVER it! I, for the first time, was able to see past all of the crap that lies ahead and see that there is a very bright light at the end of this very dark tunnel.

It became clear to me that our lives were not going to be defined by cancer or infertility...these are just "bumps in the road." Trials and opportunities. I know that we will have a life after cancer, we will also have more children. I know this! Even though it is not going to be an easy road...there is still a road!! We are still in this race! Don't count us out yet!!!

I remind myself everyday of people who are going through way more suckish stuff than we are, it could always be worse. I am thankful for every moment that I have that is considered a "good moment" and even the bad moments can be useful...they help us realize how good the good ones actually are.

In two days my husband will have his port put in...this will be a big day. The day that means this is real...the party is O-fficially starting. It also means that we are on our way to getting past it.

Next Monday is "chryo" day. Wow...for me that one is a little tougher (remember how I like to make things all about me...well, there ya go!). This means that my chances of having a "natural" child are getting very slim (not like they were great before). I honestly am fine if we do have to adopt...I really am. But, is is just knowing that I may only have one shot (literally) at conceiving a child that makes me very anxious.

No pressure or anything, right?

Little Did I Know

Tonight while I was searching for something in my closet, I came across a box of high school memory (junk) stuff. I sat for a minute rifling through the box remembering how I thought life was "tough" back then...boy, I didn't know jack! Then I realized that my precious box of high school memories sits in my closet right next to my breast pump (because, there was a time when I was not infertile...goddess, yes...infertile, no). And this discovery made me realize there are so many things in my life that I either never dreamed I'd have to go through or never even gave a second thought about...until now.

For instance, I never imagined I'd ever own, much less use a breast pump. And I certainly never thought I'd be so excited when it arrived via UPS that I'd answer the door...mid feeding...but I did.

I always knew I would have children, I never once considered all of the "gross" things I'd have to do in the process. And, don't deny it...you know there is some grossness involved.

I never imagined that there could be anything better to do on a Friday night than cheer at a football game. Now, I am usually in my pajamas by 5:30 on Friday nights...thanking the Lord that I have no where to go.

Back then I would have never even thought of mentioning anything regarding "girl problems" in front of a boy. Now, I have an ovulation calendar on my refrigerator. (And, I don't even take it down when guests come over...I mean, the secret is kind of out.)

I remember trying to preserve every flower a boy had ever given me. You know, I would dry them out and smash them in a book or something. Well, I am still preserving stuff - but it sure ain't roses!

Oh, and I remember thinking that appendicitis was like the worst thing that could ever happen to someone. And, if I heard that someone had Mono I'd, you know...discreetly keep my distance (although the thought of being excused from school for all of those days sure was tempting)...well, now my husband has cancer and I want nothing more than to be right next to him every second of every day. I have suddenly become this agent/manager/event coordinator for my husbands health.

I never thought I'd have a calendar of chemotherapy schedules, surgical procedures, and medical appointments. I never in a million years ever truly thought I'd have to deal with such issues as infertility or worse...cancer.

I long for the day when I had my wisdom teeth taken out, boy did I milk that!!! I thought that the world was surely going to end.

Little did I know...

It's Official

Ok...now it's official...Cancer it is. Major suckish!

Well, I guess this opens up a whole new chapter in my life. It is weird, but I am kind of relieved to have the diagnosis...at least now we know (for sure) what is wrong...and we know how to fix it. The waiting and going back and forth was killing me.

You know that saying "God can only give you what you can handle" ? Well, I would just like to say: God, apparently you have me mistaken for someone else...I am soooo not good at handling stress. Seriously, this is a really bad idea. I am the weak one...he is the one that has everything under control....NOT me!!!

Here goes nothin'....

In Sickness and in Health

Well, it looks as if cancer has made its way to my home. My husband got a preliminary diagnoses of Hodgkin's Lymphoma.

The good news: It is a CURABLE caner!!!

The bad news: It's still cancer.

After seeing 2 more doctors, they have determined that he has Stage 2 Hodgkin's Lymphoma. It is not an official diagnosis because he has to have yet another biopsy. However, the PET scan did show positive for cancer and all other tests point to Hodgkin's. At this point I want it to be Hodgkin's so we can get this show on the road, and of course because it is the "good cancer" (oxymoron much?).

We were told by our (and yes I refer to this with us, we, and our because it seems like it is happening to both of us...and of course because of my innate need to make everything about me) Medical Oncologist that the treatment for this disease can lead to infertility....seriously??? So we are now looking into Chryo-preservation (which is a fancy way to say we are going to have his junk frozen). Our current fertility doctor offers this service - lucky us!

I am wondering if we can just throw it in a ziploc bag, pop it in the freezer, and call it a day. It would be way cheaper and so much easier!

I know I mentioned this before - but someone up there is working really hard to keep us from reproducing. Maybe it is the lethal gene pool combination. I am Italian and he's Irish, we have already unleashed one son upon this earth...perhaps they couldn't handle another.

Anyway...
I am not scared of the cancer part - I am scared of the treatment part. I just don't know how much (or maybe how little) it will change our lives. I am scared of what I don't know. But what I do know is this: WE WILL MAKE IT THROUGH THIS WHOLE DEAL!! and WE WILL HAVE ANOTHER CHILD! Someday - someway...it WILL happen!


So...
At first I kept asking why is this happening to us, and then my husband kind of set me straight - he explained that knowing WHY would not change the fact that it IS still happening. We just have to deal with it. And so we are. One day at a time.

Waiting

Well, I thought being an infertile sucked...apparently there are worse things.

In exactly 6 days from today I will find out if my husband has cancer. Yes, cancer. About 2 weeks ago he went in for a scan of his neck (there was a lump), he was in surgery a week later. We are waiting for the results of the biopsy. We have already had 2 doctors tell us what we didn't want to hear. Now we wait to see if they were right. (please let them be wrong)

I seriously thought that being infertile was my cross to bare, and compared to the alternative I am so ok with that! Being infertile is a cake walk compared to what we are facing now. (Which also leads to infertility...apparently God must think I am a terrible mother. Maybe this whole cancer thing is just to make doubly sure that we won't reproduce again).

So, how am I handling this...well, I cry...a lot! I cry because I am scared. I cry because I am sad. I cry because I am angry. I cry because I don't understand why this is happening. I am trying not to cry in front of him. I am trying to be strong. I am trying to figure out how in the heck we are going to get through this.

I know that we will make it through this. I know we will. We have to.

My husband is very much the center of our family. He takes care of everything. He makes sure i have gas in my car, the bills are paid on time, the lawn gets mowed...I can't even remember to buy milk. How am I going to "run" things if he is sick? How am I going to keep it all together like he does?
My husband is also my best friend. It breaks my heart to think that he might be sick or that he might have to go through so much to get through this. Will we still be able to sit on the porch in the evenings and drink wine and talk for hours? Will he still want to go out to dinner? Will he still want to kiss me? The thought of my marriage being threatened scares me more than anything. The thought of my life without him causes me physical pain.

So I will wait, and try not to think.

Running for My Life!

I am happy to report that I am now officially a runner! I use that term very loosely, but I am a runner still. On my first run - about midway through (so like 2 minutes in) I heard emergency sirens. I thought surely I had died or passed out and they were coming for me. I seriously considered for a minute that I was having an "outer body experience." Much to my surprise...I was alive and well and running! I am taking it slow and working up to a goal of one full mile without stopping (baby steps). I already feel better and the best part - I don't hate it. I love the fact that I can secretly enjoy some Beastie Boys or Bon Jovi and no one even has to know (until I start singing "You Give Love A Bad Name" aloud while running down the road...then, the secret is kinda out). Being known as "the lady who sings 'the oldies' while running" by all of the neighborhood kids isn't such a bad thing is it???

Now, about the doctor. I did make the appointment and then I did cancel the appointment. We recently got some not great news about my husbands health - so I had to put my fertility issues aside for a bit. (Apparently, it is not always about me!) We are not sure yet of exactly what is going on. I will let you know when I know something...until then I am thinking happy thoughts!

I seriously don't know what I did to deserve to be infertile and to face the possibility of some really grim news all at the same time...but whatever it was - I am REALLY REALLY sorry!!

If it is true what they say...these situations only make us stronger...well then, I am going to be one really bad B%^&$ someday! Watch Out!

Spring Cleaning!

I love Spring! I love everything about it...well, maybe not the uncontrollable sneezing and the trail of tissues I seem to leave around the house, but other than that I freakin' love it! I love the weather! I love to see the flowers blooming, the trees coming back to life and I love to hear the sweet sounds of birds in the early morning (except for the family of birds who have apparently moved into my chimney and have their days and nights mixed up - those guys I am currently not loving!)! The point is...Spring time makes me happy!

I was thinking on our way home from a recent vacation that this is the perfect time for me to get things in gear! I am ready to take control of my health and most of all my fertility! Here is my plan:

1. Make a doctor's appointment. I am calling tomorrow! I have already okayed it with the hubby and he only had a small heart palpitation when I reminded him of the small $150 fee for the "consultation" - but he agreed it was time we get things going. (Note to future baby: For occasions such as when I am up all night worrying where you have been or when you bring home a bad grade - I think it only fair that we work out a "reimbursement program" or perhaps a wage garnishment to you know - to call it even!)

2. Make good on my whole "get healthy" plan. (Note to self - If for any reason in the near future you have any more great ideas - like oh...get healthy or....be a better person...you know change the world type stuff...well - keep it to yourself!)
Actually...I am really going to try on this one. My family has agreed to adopt "Meat Free Mondays" - and by agreed I mean I told them we were going to do this and I didn't allow for any comments or questions. And, since my current kid pretty much only eats chicken nuggets this should be a really GREAT experience! But - we will TRY it and see how it goes...I see a lot of cheese pizza and grilled cheese in our future!!
Also, I asked my husband to help me start a running program. (Apparently I was on drugs when I asked this - since normally I don't RUN unless, maybe I am being chased by a giant sasquacth - who is also armed...otherwise it would just be a fast "mall walk.") So, tonight we are going to start "running" maybe just to the mailbox and back...but it's a start.

3. Start Fresh! Today I got rid of all of my old baby stuff. I know, I know...kind of defeats the purpose of this whole thing...BUT - I decided that when I do have a baby - I DESERVE new stuff!! I am keeping the furniture - but everything else is going to the Yard Sale! It is 7 years old - so I figured out with the old and in with the new (and I am ONLY referring to the baby stuff here).

So that is my plan...will it work?? No idea, but I'll give it a go and see!!!!

I will do my best to update much more often, that is if i don't die during the whole running thing!!

Later!!!

(P.S. I have no idea how to spell sasquatch (and my spell check is giving me no suggestions) so - sorry! *_*)

Post Lent Post

Well, Lent is over and I survived. I managed. I was also faithful to my promise to stop asking and start thanking. For the last 40 or so days I did not ask God "why" I wasn't pregnant, I didn't by a pregnancy test (sorry EPT - I am sure sales were down), and I didn't complain about not being pregnant...but Lent is over so I am going to let it rip!!!!

Nahhh, I actually learned a lot about myself and my life over this last month and a half. I learned that I have a wonderful kid, and an amazing husband - an overall pretty fabulous life. I also learned that I know with out any doubt that I want another child.

Here is where we stand now...

Me - 32
Him - 42
Son - 7

One would think the math does not add up to start all over again. But, I know this is what we want for our family.

I am sure it will be hard to start all over again, but when is life ever really easy...especially where having kids is concerned.

Now, how do we get what we want??? Apparently not the way the rest of the world does it. I guess we will actually go back to square one...medically assisted reproduction. Awesome, this should be super fun. Well, maybe not...but it certainly makes for a more interesting Blog!

Stay Tuned!!!

Lent

So it is Lent, which is the time of self sacrifice in an effort to prepare for Easter - the ultimate sacrifice.

So what will I sacrifice????

I tried Facebook...yeah, that didn't work. I also thought about giving up my obsession with trying to get pregnant...that is pretty much like telling a fat kid he has to stop eating cookies. So, I decided if I can't give up my obsession, I will change my approach.

So in observance of Lent I am going to stop praying that I will get pregnant. I am going to stop counting days. I am going to stop using ovulation kits, and I will not buy a pregnancy test for the next 40 days (minus 4...since we are already into this thing by a few days). Instead, I am going to be thankful for the things I do have. I am going to thank God for the things he has blessed me with instead of begging for the things he hasn't.

My goal is to have a heart of thanksgiving for the next 40 days. I know, we should all have that all of the time...I am human however. You get what you get!

I was supposed to start my next round of fertility treatments yesterday, but I canceled my appointment...and decided to just take my time. Maybe I need to get my heart and soul in a better place right now...hence the whole "heart of thanksgiving" idea.

I am not doing this thinking I will get pregnant...now don't get me wrong...I always think I will get pregnant. I have, in the past, resorted to flipping coins, saying if I make it home with no red lights then that is a sign, or when the date is an even number I think surely that is a good sign that I will be pregnant, oh and let's not forget about that Facebook quiz that predicted that I will be pregnant by the end of 2009...well guess what????

No, this is not a ploy to outsmart God, or to do reverse psychology on my body...but it is truly an attempt at stepping back and saying...you know my life really doesn't suck, I have so many things to be thankful for, however I am usually too busy complaining about my fertility issues to notice.

Fertility Business

The most important secret that I can share about the infertile life is that... it is darn expensive to be infertile. It's kind of like a double whammy. Not only are you incompetent at producing children but also we are going to make sure you are in debt for the rest of your life. It makes me think...what did I ever do to deserve this??? Don't answer that!

My husband and I are ready to start fertility treatments again. Last year we spent about 5K on our treatments...which is not considered a lot in the fertility world! So, this time I decided to do some shopping around. I actually called other fertility clinics to find out how much they charge for certain fertility treatments. So, basically I am selling the fate of my next child to the lowest bidder...probably not the best idea. BUT - lucky for me, my current doctor's office (which I love) is the most reasonable. So it all worked out. Well, not yet. But, here's hoping.

And Get this - due to the current economy many fertility clinics (mine included) are offering a partial refund if you do not actually bring a baby home from the hospital. Are we crazy??? (Yes, we are.) We are accepting refunds for our babies. What about when our children grow up and decide to drop out of college and travel Europe to "find themselves," or wreck the family car, or get speeding tickets, or arrested for under age drinking, or trash the house by throwing wild parties while mom and dad are out of town...who do we see about that refund?? Not, that I am complaining about the refund part...I just never thought I would ever utter the words "baby refund." Crazy how life turns out.

It turns out that fertility is as much a business as it is a science. It involves a lot of transactions, treatments, procedures, and even financing.

Hopefully, I'll be receiving my MBA (mother by assistance) soon.

Baby Shower!

Well, tomorrow is the big day...a day dreaded by Infertiles everywhere. I am going to a baby shower!

It is for a dear sweet friend, and I am so happy for her. Really, I am. I am happy for her, but sad for me. I know, I know...infertiles have a way of making everything about "them". It is just one of the secrets. We don't intend to do it, things just hit us differently. Instead of seeing it as "isn't it wonderful that she is going to have a baby" we see it as " isn't it terrible that I am not having a baby."

I often see women, pregnant women, and think what is so special about her? What is she doing that I am not doing? Does God think she is a better mother than me? Is she more worthy of being a mother? We don't say these things out loud (well, sometimes we do), but we think them...and any infertile who says they don't is a liar! (I mean that in a funny way)

One of the Secrets to living the infertile life is to put on a happy face and keep your mouth shut! Just smile and nod. Especially at a baby shower!! If you do make the mistake of opening your mouth one of two things will happen: 1) you will say something (unintentional) about your desire to have a baby or lack of a child and will then make every one feel sorry for you and be known as the "who invited that girl - Debbie Downer". Or 2) you will say something (probably intentional but without thinking first) rude and sarcastic when everyone starts complaining about how terrible it was to be pregnant (which will happen - show me a baby shower where no one complains about pregnancy and I'll show you the liquor they must have put in the punch) and then you will just be known as someones bitchy friend...so my advice is to just smile and nod. Don't say a word!

Be sweet!

Resolutions!

Well, Christmas came and went...and needless to say Santa did not bring us a baby. Oh, well. He did however bring us 5 glorious pounds of holiday goodness! Like I needed that! Great, so I am fat...but not pregnant. Awesome!

Actually, I am not bummed at the moment. I mean gaining 5 lbs. sure sucks, but I am actually in a good place right now. I am trying to make the best of every moment that I have. I started thinking, when we finally do have a baby it is really going to suck what with the whole NO SLEEP and all. So, I am just going to try and enjoy every babyless day that I have until they are gone. Don't get me wrong...I want these babyless days to go away, but until they do I might as well enjoy them...right?

So, I've made another list...a list of "Babyless Resolutions" if you will (if you haven't noticed...I like making lists). Here it goes:

I resolve to do the following while I am babyless...

• sleep late whenever possible...and by late I mean 10ish is perfectly acceptable (so is 11ish)
• cook meals for my family...real meals, not just crap thrown in a pot and cooked to death. Fresh produce, lean meats, yummy homemade things...you know the stuff I will not have time to make once I do have a baby. (Disclaimer: I will not commit to any set number of "home cooked" meals per week...so don't get excited!)
• Sit at the table and eat together, every meal - no exceptions (this is something we do already, but I know when we have a baby it won't always be possible)
• Go out on a date with my husband at least once a month...maybe twice! (again, we kind of already do this...but I think I take it for granted)
• wear sexy nighties to bed...every now and then (Disclaimer: I will however have my t-shirt and pajama pants on stand by and as soon as he goes to sleep the lacy crap will be history! I love dressing up, and I love buying lingerie...but I hate to sleep in it)
• work out...when I can. I am not going to put limits on it, I am just going to say that I will make every effort to work out more, while I can.
• I am going to kiss my husband...not an "I want to have sex kiss" just s kiss, because after almost 9 years of marriage you kind of forget about kissing...I want to remind myself what it is all about!
• spontaneous sex...(Infertile Secret: sex becomes part of dinner conversation when you are in the realm of fertility/infertility...it sort of loses it's flair. We have done a really good job of getting back to the "flair" so I am going to enjoy the "flair" while I can. Also, I remember what sex was like after having a baby...I think that is when I started to indulge in the ol' adult beverage...it wasn't always fun and perfect, especially if one breast feeds...anyway, I am just going to get my flair on while I can!
• Saturday Night Live - I use to live for this show...I love staying up late just to watch it...well, that is IF THEY WOULD HAVE A NEW EPISODE EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE! Anyway, when a baby comes I doubt I will ever stay up late enough to watch...so I am going to get my SNL fix in the mean time!
• Bubble baths - i am going to take a bubble bath and LOCK the door several times a week! A really, really hot one where you can see the steam rising from the beneath the 10 inches of bubbles...oh, yeah!!!
• Hang out with my son...I spend a lot of time with him, but like the date nights I think I take it for granted. I am sure that no matter how much I love my next child I will miss the good ol' days of he and I just cruising around town doing our own thing. I will miss when things were easy. I will LOVE the new life, but I will remember the times I had alone with my first born and they will make me smile! I resolve to enjoy those little moments, make the best of them, and let God know just how very grateful I am that he has once already chosen me to be a mother.
• Be thankful...I resolve to be thankful and enjoy the gifts that God has given me...I am sure that I will still complain about my infertile situation and I may even gripe and cry...but I will never forget just how blessed I truly am.

Here is to a NEW YEAR, may it bring you blessings! And me...a baby! :)