Waiting

Well, I thought being an infertile sucked...apparently there are worse things.

In exactly 6 days from today I will find out if my husband has cancer. Yes, cancer. About 2 weeks ago he went in for a scan of his neck (there was a lump), he was in surgery a week later. We are waiting for the results of the biopsy. We have already had 2 doctors tell us what we didn't want to hear. Now we wait to see if they were right. (please let them be wrong)

I seriously thought that being infertile was my cross to bare, and compared to the alternative I am so ok with that! Being infertile is a cake walk compared to what we are facing now. (Which also leads to infertility...apparently God must think I am a terrible mother. Maybe this whole cancer thing is just to make doubly sure that we won't reproduce again).

So, how am I handling this...well, I cry...a lot! I cry because I am scared. I cry because I am sad. I cry because I am angry. I cry because I don't understand why this is happening. I am trying not to cry in front of him. I am trying to be strong. I am trying to figure out how in the heck we are going to get through this.

I know that we will make it through this. I know we will. We have to.

My husband is very much the center of our family. He takes care of everything. He makes sure i have gas in my car, the bills are paid on time, the lawn gets mowed...I can't even remember to buy milk. How am I going to "run" things if he is sick? How am I going to keep it all together like he does?
My husband is also my best friend. It breaks my heart to think that he might be sick or that he might have to go through so much to get through this. Will we still be able to sit on the porch in the evenings and drink wine and talk for hours? Will he still want to go out to dinner? Will he still want to kiss me? The thought of my marriage being threatened scares me more than anything. The thought of my life without him causes me physical pain.

So I will wait, and try not to think.