Wednesday, October 27, 2010

No Go

Well...I got the call yesterday, and it was the same as last time. It began with an "I'm so sorry." Ugh! I hate those damn phone calls! Another - big FAT NEGATIVE :(!

I am sad, but I am not angry. I promised God that I would love him no matter what and I do. I have a lot to be thankful for. My husband had another clear PET scan today...that means the cancer is really-really gone!! In spite of how sucky yesterday was - we still can rejoice today! Thank you Lord for your blessings!!!

I admit though, that I was really shocked that it didn't work. I was so sure that it would. I really thought this time was going to be IT. I just felt like everything was falling into place - it was just working out perfectly. The money even just kind of "fell from the sky." I am not sure how we got it all, but we did. I just really felt like God was leading us down this path...maybe he was, maybe it was a test to see if we would give up if we didn't get what we wanted. We won't. We will never give up...on God...or on our dream.

I have to tell you though that when I allow myself to go to that dark place...that really dark place this is what I see:
1. healthy baby boy - first go-round at parenting
2. miscarriage
3. miscarriage
4. failed fertility cycle (clomid and natural intercourse)
5. failed fertility cycle (oral meds, hormones, and natural intercourse)
6. failed fertility cycle (oral meds, hormones, injectables, and natural intercourse)
7. husband diagnosed with cancer which can cause infertility
8. failed IVF cycle

So, all of this makes me think...did we just really screw things up so bad that God wants to put a stop to our procreation??

Deep down I know that is not true...I did tell you it was a really dark place. Sometimes, we go to those dark places whether we want to or not.

Actually, what I think it is - is this: Having another child is the deepest desire of my heart, it is probably the only thing in life that I want that I do not already have. I think Satan has tried all of these tricks to steal my faith. You would think he would toss in the damn towel by now!!!

But through it all - I will not give up my faith. I will still have hope, and one day we will have our baby!

I believe God.

No comments:

Post a Comment