An "In Awe" moment

As I sit here typing, I watch my beautiful baby boy sleeping away on the baby monitor. My eyes become teary...it is just one of those days.

Every now and then I just have a moment when I realize, "It happened. My dream came true. I had a baby." Today, in the midst of nothing really, I realize this.

So many nights I cried myself to sleep and days I prayed, waiting and hoping that "today would be the day."I dreamed about it, prayed about it, Lord knows I talked about it...and it happened. It really really happened.

Everything I wanted - I have. Exactly what I prayed for - I have. I am so blessed. I am in awe of the fact that I was given this miracle. I know I don't deserve him...but God gave him to me anyway.

Today, I watch my sweet boy on this little baby monitor, just sleeping, and I am just in awe of God's grace!

I don't say it enough - Thank you, Lord for this amazing miracle!

8 months old today!

Playing outside. I once prayed for this specific moment to come true. It did.

M.R. Eye Results and Up date

We are on our way to 8 months old and I seriously want to cry!!! It is going by way too fast!

Liam is the sweetest most active baby I have ever known. He is into every thing. That could be a good sign or a very very bad sign...either way he keeps us busy!

I know it has been a really long time so I will try to just do a random update...

Horner's Syndrome / MRI Update:

Liam had his MRI in July and it went well (at first). I was a nervous wreck the whole time, mostly because the poor guy could not eat past 5am and his procedure wasn't until much later in the day. I prayed for God to satisfy his little tummy the whole day, and I believe he did. Liam did great up until about 10 minutes before they took him back. He was calm and playful most of the morning, but just before his surgery he had a royal meltdown! When the doctor came in for pre-op we basically had to yell at each other to be heard over Liam's screaming. by this point he was exhausted and hungry, I'm sure. Luckily, they took him back gave him his medicine and he was asleep in minutes. I, on the other hand, was a mess. I felt terrible, I just handed my screaming (SCREAMING) baby over to complete strangers, when I knew what he wanted was his mama to rock him in her arms with a warm bottle. I cried...and then I was ok. We went to the cafe and had some lunch and tried not to think about it (yeah right). When we returned to the waiting area the very sweet lady at the desk very kindly asked, "You alright, mom?" I cried again.

He was back there for a LONG time. The procedure started at 1:00 and we didn't get to see him until about 3:30 or 4:00 (I can't remember exactly). He was so pitiful when we saw him. He was still asleep from the anesthesia, and was laying in a regular hospital type bed, all wrapped up in a giant warm blanket (there was a nurse there with him the whole time). He looked so tiny and helpless. As he began to wake up he just started smiling and then it faded into a cry, then a smile, then a sob, then a smile, then a laugh, then a cry again...this process went on for about 15 minutes and was quite hysterical to witness.

Liam was back to his old self within about 2 hours. We came home and it was business as usual...until about 2 am. I heard this horrific sound coming from the baby monitor. It sounded like an animal of some sort. I immediately headed for Liam's room and found him just sitting (surprisingly happy) in his crib, but he was breathing as if he had something in his windpipe. He sounded like a seal, or a goose, or a dog...something other than a human infant, that is for sure. He eventually started to get upset and the sound got worse. After a phone call to my sister (who is a nurse) and a review of the hospital discharge papers, we headed to the ER.

By the time we arrived Liam was all smiles again, but Ben was crying hysterically; he cares so much about his baby brother. After the doctors checked the baby out they concluded that he was either having a reaction to the contrast material used in the MRI or maybe it was just coincidence and he had "Croup." They treat both the same way so they gave him an epinephrine breathing treatment and kept him for a few hours. It was miserable! We were finally headed home around 8:30am. After a follow-up to the Pediatrician, we still aren't sure exactly what it was - but he is fine now!

So the MRI came back normal. I knew it would. One of the causes of Horner's Syndrome is a very serious tumor on the spine - that is what they were checking for. We are so thankful that they found nothing! His Horner's Syndrome was most likely caused by trauma during birth. We don't know exactly if there will be any long term effects other than the droopy eyelid, smaller pupil, and eye color so he will be checked out yearly.

Liam - being a big boy, waiting to go back for his MRI.

Monthly Picture Updates

6 months

7 months

Brothers!

The picture above is on our last little "vacation." We took Ben to Universal & Islands of Adventure for his 11th birthday. Liam did AWESOME in the parks during the day. He loved strolling around watching all of the activity. He did not, however, do AWESOME in the hotel room at night. He is an excellent sleeper at home (now - thank you , Jesus!!!), but he does not do so well when he is not in his bed! It was fun though...and memories were made!!!

The birthday boy!

I Get It!

As I sit here this evening, I realize (yet again) how good God really is.

We had a crazy day today. I mean super nuts (and I'm not even working right now)! Looking back over the craziness of the day - I get it! I get why God's plan for our children was much more spaced out than my own. I get why God allowed us to wait ten years to meet our second child.

You see, I am a wearer of many hats. I have many irons in the fire. My plate is pretty full. I mean really full. Really really full. I'm busy. You get it. I know.

Today I realized that if I had two small children at once there is no way I could be as active and involved as I am. No, with two small children at the same time, I am pretty sure I'd be completely insane!

 I was able to do one hundred different tasks at once today, but only with the help of my precious 10 year old. He was a true hero. He fed the baby, helped me bathe the baby, and even helped me cook dinner (among a million other things).

Having an infant is still not an easy task, but having the best big brother in the world makes it a lot easier!

I think God had this plan for my life for many reasons, but one of them (most definitely) was for my sanity.

Again I am reminded that God knows best and his timing is perfect. Always. Perfect.

Vacation...Sort of

I can't believe I'm about to say this but....Liam is SIX months old today!!!

What?? How can that be??!!

There are times that I can't believe this is all really happening...and happening so fast! Of course, it didn't feel fast when we were waiting for our miracle. It didn't feel fast when Troy was going through chemo, and it didn't feel fast when we had to wait two weeks to find out if were we pregnant or not...no, that all went by really really slow!

Liam Jaimson, 6 months old today!

But the good stuff...that just flies by. So. Not. Fair.

We have had a relatively good six months. It was a rocky start, but pretty awesome right now! Liam is out of his fussy phase and seems to only cry when he is hungry or sleepy. He goes to bed like a champ every night by 8:30. I wouldn't mind if he stayed up later but he is ready (and let's us know it) by then. Sometimes I can tell he is sleepy by 7:30 and I try everything to keep him up until at least 8:00. He doesn't take long day time naps, so I guess that is why he is ready for bed so early. He still wakes up once a night. I thought we were out of that, but NOPE - I was wrong. I am not sure if I am ready for hardcore sleep-training or not, so for now I will just schlep up the stairs in the middle of the night for a feeding and pray to God that I don't fall down them afterwards. It is working so far.

We went on a short out of town trip last weekend. It was the second time we have stayed in a hotel with Liam. The first time he was only 10 weeks old. We decided to try and do something fun over Spring Break - for Ben. Well, it was fun...for Ben. Liam was still pretty fussy then but he did okay considering (I can't remember if I blogged about it or not). Mom and dad were pretty much a nervous wreck the whole time. This trip was a much longer car ride (almost 5 hours), he actually did great in the car! The hotel stay was different. He stayed up way past his bed time and had a really hard time getting to sleep. He screamed for almost an hour straight - believe me...I tried everything. I had already heard the people in the room next to us earlier in the day (we had one of those connecting rooms so there was a door to the other room) so I knew they would be able to hear our screaming baby. I was certain they would call and complain and we would be escorted out by the "Fancy Hotel Noise Police." Amazingly, that didn't happen. We were staying in a Resort/Spa type place and I was pretty sure that everyone who saw us whispered to someone else in their party something like, "Why, would they bring a baby to this hotel?" or "Oh......that's the baby we heard all night." I felt compelled to explain to everyone we saw that we were there for a wedding, otherwise we would be staying at a "family hotel." And every time I saw another family with a baby I felt better...surprisingly I saw several families with babies. We ended up putting Liam in bed with us the first night (which we have never done before) and he went right to sleep. I didn't sleep at all, however, for fear that I was going to roll over on him or something...but the kid slept great!

Oh, yeah...this was our view!!!

The second night went much better. We had the wedding and the reception so Liam was up late again, but somehow managed to fall asleep during the reception to the soothing sounds of the "Cha-Cha Slide." I don't get that one...he can't fall asleep in a beautiful hotel room with all of the comforts of home...but passes completely out in a room full of people shouting "Everybody Clap Your Hands...!" (Our white noise machine has a lot of sound settings: ocean, rain forest, bumbling brook, water fall, even hair dryer and vacuum...but no "wedding reception"...will have to see what we can do about that!

We have another trip planned (for Ben's birthday) in a couple of months...so I'll start praying now!

Although it pains me to see my baby growing so fast, I do get a little excited when I think about all of the things we can do as he gets older.

Vacations aren't really vacations with an infant...but those slobbery kisses and snuggles kinda make up for everything else!

Our boys hanging out in the hotel!

That Kid with the Droopy Eye

Our baby is perfect! Absolutely perfect. However...

At just moments after Liam's birth (well, maybe not moments since I was "out" and can't really remember much of the first several hours of Liam's life...so let's say hours), I mean, hours after Liam's birth I noticed he had one eye that looked kind of "droopy." This was really no big deal to me - Ben was born with a droopy eye too...it runs in our family.

Liam's, though, was different, his eye was almost closed. He also had some "goo" in his eye. The doctor told us this should resolve over time, as it was just a blocked tear duct and was fairly common.

At Liam's four month check up our pediatrician decided to send us to a Pediatric Opthomologist to have the eye checked out - it seemed to be getting worse, not better.

We were able to get in to see the Ped. Optho doctor pretty quick. I fully expected for him to say "yep - it's a blocked tear duct...let's wait it out." That, however, is not how it went down.

It turns out that Liam has a little more going on than a blocked duct. His right eye lid is very lazy and his pupil is smaller than the other. Liam has Horner's Syndrome. Horner's Syndrome is caused by some type of nerve damage which effects the eye and sometimes one side of the face. In infants it is most often caused by a traumatic birth - yep, that's us! Liam was born via c-section yet they still had to use the vacuum extractor and forceps -multiple times. It took almost 45 minutes to get him out - he was literally stuck in there. Traumatic, to say the least!

There could be other causes for Horner's - some are kind of scary, so Liam is going to have an MRI to investigate the cause and extent of the nerve damage. I am not worried!

From what I have read there is no way to "fix" Horner's syndrome - he just may always be known as "that kid with the droopy eye." It may or may not effect his vision, that will be determined by yearly visits to the Opthomologist...but it will most likely change his eye color in that one eye. His eyes are already blue - but the Horner's eye may fade to a light green...I think that will be kind of cute!! I think a droopy eye will be cute too!

Some people might want to play the "blame game" and blame the doctor who delivered Liam. I, however, think that is ridiculous! Our doctor did what he had to do to get Liam here safely! He had a limited window of time to get Liam out - and considering the circumstances, he did pretty good! (Seriously, it was not your everyday "run-of-the-mill" c-section. My doctor later told me that this was one of the most difficult c-sections he had ever done. It was very scary!)

Liam is healthy. This is no big deal (I'm pretty sure). I have many friends who are dealing with much bigger issues. I can deal with a droopy eye!!!

Liam 4mos (almost 5). Horner's Syndrome - Right eye

Four Months of Miracles (in pictures)

Liam, 1 month. Loves his Seven Sling!

 

Liam 2 months. Loves his baths!!

Liam (being wiggly) 3 mos with his big brother. They love each other so much!

Liam, 4 months. He REALLY loves his baths! He also loves to chew on all of his blankets, towels, and as you can see here wash cloths!

Faithfulness

This is me. I don't usually add pictures to my blog...mostly because I didn't know how...but I am trying to 'get with the program.'

This picture is one I will treasure for the rest of my life. As it was being taken I was thinking, "This is real. This is happening. God is faithful."

And he is...faithful. He may not always answer our prayers in the way we want him to or in the timeline we expect (point proven), but he will answer them.

I am so thankful for his faithfulness!

This is what an answered prayer looks like! Liam Jamison and his big brother Ben, January 21, 2013.

Blogging & Sleeping

A note about blogging:
I will be the first to admit that I am not a savvy blogger. I don't know how to do much - other than type and publish. I'm a pretty smart girl, actually...I just choose not to be tech savvy. It's really quite a brilliant plan.

Let me explain,

You see we have a few techies at work. A few. Like, you can count them on one hand few. Whenever I have a computer problem - I run to one of my techie friends and usually have to wait in line behind someone else who is having a computer problem. By making the choice to have very minimal computer knowledge I have much more free time on my hands. I am not bogged down with questions and problems posed by tech dummies like me. But...then again, if I knew how to solve said tech problems I could just fix them myself and avoid the whole waiting in line thing. Hmmmmm....

Anyway, on to baby stuff...

I am currently sitting in a quiet and kinda clean house. I just finished lunch and have managed to do laundry and mop floors. Liam is sleeping. SLEEPING! Oh, how I have waited for this! He is such a good sleeper now! He still does not sleep through the night - but I actually don't mind a little cuddle in the middle of the night. He wakes eats and goes right back to sleep.

He only fusses when he is tired or hungry. When he is tired I just lay him in his crib, give him his blankey, and walk away. That's it. He snuggles his blankey (which I know is against the rules, blah, blah, blah) and actually sucks on the corner of it and quietly goes to sleep. He is perfect! He usually sleeps on his side - which I think is adorable.

I am so enjoying having a baby again. I just find joy in the mundane routine of making and washing bottles, giving baths, folding baby clothes, packing diaper bags, etc... I love it. I really do. It is not always easy - and I struggled at first. But, I found my footing and we are truckin' along!

Big brother is a huge help. Liam love his big brother so much. He literally laughs at him every time he sees him. I imagine he is thinking something like "boy, do I have plans for you buddy...I'm gonna drive you nuts in a couple of years!" Yep -I think Liam is going to give big brother a run for his money....and big brother is going to love it!

Our miracle!

Hello Again!

What can I say...after working and taking care of two kids all day...I just don't have time to blog. (I am sure there are plenty of people much busier than me who still find time to blog...I'm a slacker....what can I say!) But, it is summer now so get ready...

Let me start by saying that our precious baby is doing sooooo well! He is over his colicky phase and is now one of the happiest babies you will ever meet. I can't believe how different it is..but it is wonderful.

Liam is four months old now and can do all of those things typical of a baby his  age. Just yesterday he reached for me as I was leaning down to pick him up, and this morning he reached and actually touched our dog - which was a huge deal, but mostly for the dog!

Night times (which I once dreaded) are now a breeze! He eats, bathes, plays, and is in bed (happily) by 8:30 most nights.

I am off for the summer and other than a few meetings here and there I will get to be home every day with my boys - and I am so excited!!!

I am looking forward to getting Liam on a good schedule (that will go out the door when I go back to work, I'm sure) and enjoying my last visit in the baby hood!


I will write this summer - promise!

Crying...It's not Just for Babies

Well, here I am with everything I have ever wanted! I am so blessed. God has given me the answer to my prayers. I am quite possibly the luckiest girl in the world. So why am I about to lose my mind...

(Here is the part where you start judging me...but at least you know I'm honest.)

I am so glad that God heard my prayers and gave me this blessing! I guess I just forgot about all of the trials that come along with bringing a new baby into this world.

In my mind things were going to go much smoother than they have so far. I was supposed to come home from the hospital, put my baby on my breast and nurse him until he gave a beautiful satisfactory burp, then cuddle him for hours each day until he was blissfully exhausted and fell fast asleep in his bassinet. I pictured my whole family laying in my bed every evening all cooing and laughing together while Liam stares at us with smiling amazement. I also pictured myself shrinking to a size six...needless to say none of this has happened.

Instead, we spend much of our day trying to figure out why the baby is crying, trying to make him stop crying, and then trying to get him to go to sleep if nothing else works. At virtually every moment of the day someone in this house is crying - a lot of times that someone is me.

It never occurred to me that I may have a 'cryer'. Or worse, a colicky baby. We have not gone as far as to diagnose him with colic yet - but we are heading down that path.

It seems that this child has not yet made peace with his new world. If he is not eating or sleeping he is usually crying. I, as his mother, should be able to make him stop...right? I should be able to provide him with the comfort that he needs to feel secure in this world...right? Well, it hasn't happened yet. Even when I hold him he is often kicking and screaming as if to say "you are the worst mother ever!" I know that this is not the case, but at times it sure seems that way. I think the only thing that could make this child happy would be shoving him back up into my uterus for a few more months (man, I wish I was a kangaroo!).  Obviously, that can't happen...so we try everything else.

Here is the thing, I don't care if he cries. I mean I care, but I know babies cry. It does not bother me if he needs to blow off steam. But his crying "episodes" are more like fits of screaming rage. He seems so angry - yet he's so tiny...what could he possibly be so pissed about? It just breaks my heart to see him so unhappy and to know that I can't fix it.

We have tried all of the 'colic cures' out there...and I'm not saying that they won't work. I am still hoping that we will have a breakthrough soon! I am also praying and believing (I have had success with that so far!) that God will bring my sweet boy happiness and contentment. But, until then I am just trying not to lose my mind...and crying on occasion.

He might be a cryer...but he's a cute cryer!!

One Month Secrets

Our baby boy is one month old today. Is that all??? Really?? I'm kidding...sort of...

There are days when it seems like it is going by so fast and there are days when I can't believe it has only been four weeks. Today is one of those fast days...

In celebration of my survival of this last month I will share some of the Secrets of being a NEW MOM after fertility...

The truth that most moms won't tell you...

1) Even though you prayed for this day, even though you cried over so many disappointments in the process of getting here, there will be a day (probably more like a 3:30 am) when you think to yourself..."what was I thinking????"  you won't mean it; it will happen out of desperation and sleep deprivation...but it will happen. It is normal! You are not a bad mom for thinking this, we all do it. The ones who say they don't are liars! Seriously, liars!

2) You will love your baby from day one, but it may take awhile to fall in love with him. It will happen though...promise!

3) There may even come a time when you think "my baby hates me" - this usually happens (again at 3:30 am) after you have tried everything to make him happy, you have promised him the world, you have begged, and prayed...yet he still screams. He does not hate you, he just has no freakin clue what he is doing or where he is. He is supposed to be swimming peacefully in is own urine - learn the 5 S's (Happiest Baby on the Block). Swaddle, Shhhhhhhh, and Swing your butt off and he will calm down. It's like baby voodoo magic!

4) Having a baby is HARD. Seriously, it's like the hardest thing you will ever do. (The moms who say it is easy are again, Liars...seriously...Liars!

5) You will need a White Noise machine!!!!!! Just trust me on this! Register for one, buy one, download an app, or buy a CD - it will be worth it!

6) Babies cry. Accept it from the beginning and things will go much better!

7) It is ok if your baby sleeps in a swing, bouncy seat, car seat - who the heck cares as long as he sleeps!!!!!!

Nothing wrong with this!

Or this!

But - this might be questionable!

8) Take a shower everyday! Even if it means letting your baby cry for 8 minutes in his crib or bouncy or swing. You will feel better, no matter how little sleep you got the night before, after a hot shower.

9) You will at some point come in contact with poop. It will happen. Accept it now...just wash your hands really well after.

10) If you have a boy...never, I repeat, never leave his junk uncovered! While diapering - have a towel or the clean diaper ready before uncovering!!!! Trust me! No matter how fast you think you are...cover that thing!

11) If you are leaving the house for the day...pack an extra shirt - for yourself!! Always!

12) You can't spoil your baby in the first 3 months of life! Not possible!

13) Accept the fact that your plans will most likely change! Like, every day!

14) Learn to swaddle like a BOSS! And then teach everyone who will care for your baby how to also!!!!!

My awesome Swaddle!

15) Breastfeeding is hard! You might not even like it. It is best for your baby, but there are no prizes given out to breastfeeding mothers over bottle feeding mothers. Do what is best for you and your situation...and don't let anyone make you question your decision! It's none of their business!

16) Always go gender neutral for big baby items (stroller, car seat, swing, etc...). In two years when you have another baby of a different gender you aren't going to want to re-buy (or ask others to re-buy via a registry) the same things. Practical over pretty!

17) You will at some point cry. Happy tears. Scared to death tears. Tears of frustration. Tears of exhaustion. They will all come st some point.

18) Every baby is a miracle. No matter how they came to be, they are a gift from God! A gift that will fill your heart with joy and at times your eyes with tears, but they are worth it!

19) You will most likely think you are screwing your baby up on a daily basis...you're not (most likely). The part where you screw him up (and send him to therapy) won't happen until much later!

20) The newborn stage is hard...but it does not last long. So enjoy it...and then open a bottle of champagne when it is over (that's what I'm going to do!)!!!!!!!

Exhibit ????

Just to let you know...

I had to go back to the doctor yesterday, my incision is infected and not healing like it should after all. So, more proof that my body sucks!

Luckily (sarcasm much), I'm already on an antibiotic for my boob infection so it should cover the newest addition too.

I just want to heal and feel normal!!! I guess...it will happen...eventually.

Body of Proof

Over these last 16 days I have realized just how much my body has failed me. I am literally falling apart - let me explain...

Well, first there's my whole rebelling uterus. The c-section that went terrible wrong. (Exhibit A.)

Then, Four days after Liam was born we went to the Pediatrician's office, it started out as a typical appointment. He just wanted to check his jaundice and weight. We were shocked to find that Liam had lost a pound in four days. I was nursing every 3 hours around the clock, but I had a feeling my milk was not coming in as it should. My breast never felt full or heavy. So, the doctor told us we needed to supplement with formula - just for a couple of days or weeks until my milk was more established. So, we went home and I started pumping in between feedings and offering the bottle after the breast. In a matter of just a few hours Liam became very lethargic. He eventually lost interest in eating completely. He would not latch on to my breast and would not take the bottle either. By evening, it was evident we had a problem. This child who had already lost too much weight had only eaten and ounce (if that) all day. So, we called the doctor. Of course, in the midst of trying to explain to the nurse what was going on I broke down in tears - sobbing really. She couldn't understand what I was saying and I couldn't stop crying. The doctor eventually got on the phone and told us to take the baby to  the Children's Hospital to be evaluated. So we did. (Exhibit B.)

As soon as we arrived at the hospital they took us back to the ER. After a quick observation of the listless baby and some very low blood sugar numbers they admitted Liam for neo-natal dehydration. We spent the next two days in the hospital. Even though I knew that this was all caused by my lousy milk supply, the doctors still wanted to do a complete Sepsis work up to rule out any infection. This is standard protocol for a newborn with these symptoms. They ran a gamut of horrible tests while my husband and I stood in the hallway and cried. It was horrible. The whole time this was going on I was in pain from my incision and my feet were about four times their size. My body had collected a lot of fluid during the delivery and had not been able to expel it yet. I was miserably uncomfortable -barely able to walk. And I knew that it was because of me and my failing body that my baby was being poked and prodded and screaming his head off. (Exhibit C)

Our stay in the hospital was horrible to say the least. The hospital staff were WONDERFUL, they took great care of us and our baby! It just was not how we wanted to spend our first few days with our newborn. The hospital room was equipped with a crib for Liam and a day bed for a parent - problem was...I couldn't lay down because of my incision pain. I was till having trouble getting in and out of chairs. So, I spent the first night sitting in a hard plastic rocking chair - with absolutely no sleep. Early the next morning the nurse came in and asked if we needed anything - and that was it...I lost it. I realize now it was a combination of stress, lack of sleep, hormones, and pain, but that poor nurse -  I am sure she regretted coming in to that room. I couldn't stop crying - the kind of cry where you can't catch your breath. I had hit rock bottom and I knew it. (Exhibit D)

Our sweet boy at Wolfson's Children's Hospital.

Later that day, the sweet nurse had worked out a way for them to bring in a hospital bed for me to sleep in. Praise the Lord for her! It was that afternoon that I finally got some sleep maybe 90 minutes or so, but it was 90 minutes more than I had had in the last 5 days.

Most of our stay spent in the hospital was focused on increasing my milk supply. The hospital provided a breast pump for me and formula to supplement. I was nursing one hour and then pumping the next. It seemed like every hour something was attached to my boob. Even with that I still wasn't making enough milk. Gawh! (Exhibit E)

We were finally released on Sunday (we went in on Friday) after all of Liam's tests came back with good results, his sugar had leveled out, and his sodium and potassium levels were normal. On the way home from the hospital I thought - we are finally going to get back to normal...or not.

We were home for for about 12 hours before I noticed that my incision looked funny. It was bleeding a little and I knew it shouldn't be. I called the doctor - and they told me to come in. The doctor examined the incision and said it looked ok - but I had overdone it and needed to take it easy (easier said then done!). He told me if I wasn't careful I would most likely develop an infection. Of course I would! (Exhibit F)

It has now been about a week and things have seemed to settle down - or so I thought. I woke up yesterday and did not feel well. I have been taking Advill almost everyday because my abdominal area is still very sore. But, this felt different. I felt achy all over (especially in my boobs) and had chills all day. I finally decided to take my temperature and sure enough I had a fever! I called the doctor (again) and after explaining my symptoms she was pretty certain that I had Mastitis (an infection in the milk duct). Of course I do. (Exhibit G)

So there you have it - proof that my body is a complete failure. From my hostile uterus to my stingy boobs - I've had it!

Although, on a good note I have lost ALL of the weight that I gained during this pregnancy. So I guess there's always that!

Our Birth Story

I hope you are ready...this might be a long one...

This is the story of my precious baby son and how he came into this world...

Eight days ago I woke up at 4:30 in the morning knowing it was the last day of my pregnancy. I was excited, nervous, scared, and anxious to see who has been living in my tummy these last nine months.

I didn't have to be at the hospital until 9 but I couldn't sleep, so I watched some movies listened to my stomach growl (I was starving!), and then I decided to give myself a make-over. I had originally planned to just show up at the hospital clean and natural, but with time on my hands and new mascara in my makeup bag I decided to go full Hollywood Glam for my big day (ok - maybe "hollywood Glam" is a bit of an overstatement - but I did wear make up and do my  hair).

We arrived at the hospital and I got checked into my room (like it's a hotel or something) and then we were ready! It wasn't long before they took me back to get started. I actually walked back to the OR (which was weird and a bit scary). I started to think about the surgery and I began to get really nervous - I thought about bolting but then the baby would have to come out at some point so I'd just end up back there anyway....so I stayed.

I don't look so sure about things now.

Once I was in and ready they brought my husband back and the show got started. At one point my doctor said "ok - here we go, I'll have this baby out in 60 seconds." But that didn't exactly happen. Apparently my uterus was pretty cozy with this baby boy and she held on to him for dear life (see I told you my uterus is a Paris Hilton - a spoiled little brat...who doesn't like to share). They literally spent about 30 mins trying to remove this child from my body. The boy would not come out. The doctor had to use the vacuum extractor several times as well as forceps (on a c-section baby!!). I felt like they were yanking my body in every direction possible. It was very rough. Finally, at 12:59 (my section started at 12:15) my son was born. He was perfect. Big and perfect - 8 pounds and 6 ounces of miraculous perfection!

And then I woke up in my maternity suite.

Apparently there was even more trouble after getting the baby out. Putting me back together was no easy task. It was taking quite awhile. I was getting scared because I knew something wasn't quite right - I am not sure what led up to it but they put me "out" and that was that.

My doctor came in later and explained that my body did not want to cooperate with the procedure. Apparently, between my scar tissue and hostile uterus it really put up a fight. He explained that I had lost a lot of blood and may still need a blood transfusion later on, but they were going to keep checking my labs to see. He then proceeded to tell me that he didn't think it was safe for me to get pregnant again (And there it is!). He said my uterus suffered a lot of trauma and he just wasn't sure that it could take anymore. (You know when I think about my uterus I imagine it looks like that octopus lady Ursula from The Little Mermaid - yep - a little mix between Ursula the sea witch and Paris Hilton).

So, this child that almost wasn't really will be my last baby. The strikes against my fertility keep on coming...and my body is literally falling apart (although I never did have to have that blood transfusion)...but we have our sweet baby boy and our sweet big boy and our family is...complete.

And, I am once again the Goddess of Infertility...but I think I'll just go by Goddess and that's all!
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Our Sweet Liam Jamison was born on Jan 21st, after years of praying and hoping our dreams came true. We are in love and our family is...complete...perfectly complete!

Looks Like We've Made it!

Tomorrow is the day!! Yep, we are now only hours away from welcoming our miracle into this world...wow!

Looks like we've made it!!!

Overall, I have had a wonderful pregnancy. Every test I have had has ended with remarkably good results. My weight gain has been great according to my doctor (23 pounds). Which, in itself is a miracle considering how I eat these days! I only had a wee bout with morning sickness and have felt pretty good for most of the last 9 months. However, these last few days have been really hard and uncomfortable! And by uncomfortable I mean PAINFUL!

I have this area on my upper abdomen (can't remember if I've mentioned this in previous posts or not) under my right breast that is so insanely sensitive and sore. It is very sensitive to the touch but hurts like hellfire when the baby moves and pushes on that area or if I move in a certain direction and pull on that area. From what I have found in my "google research" and from talking to my doctor we think it is inflamed nerves or something of that nature, caused by the stretching of my muscles and belly. I have found many people online with the exact same symptoms and they have pretty much all attributed it to nerves as well. My doctor was not overly concerned but then again I really haven't complained about it too much (to him anyway). He did tell me the only way to resolve it is to give birth...so i just have to deal with it until then.

Two nights ago the baby was really moving like crazy and seemed to have lodged his head right against that area. I woke up in the middle of the night with sharp shooting pain (it felt like my muscles were burning and being ripped apart). The pain was so bad that I had to get up and move to the recliner to try to get comfortable. That only lasted about an hour. I eventually found myself just pacing around the house sobbing and holding a pillow to my abdomen (it seemed to help a little if I pushed lightly on the area but the pain was still very strong and constant). I was debating on if I should call the doctor - but what was I  going to say??? I knew I wasn't in labor but I was definitely in pain. I felt kind of silly calling them - I knew there was nothing they could do. And to be honest, I was letting my pride get the best of me. I didn't want the nurses writing "TOBP" (Tired of Being pregnant) in my chart. My husband eventually heard me and woke up. He ended up going to the drug store (at 4am) to  get some Tylenol and ice packs (things I had read about online that may help). I found that by icing the area it did dull the pain a little and actually made the baby move away from that spot - I guess he didn't like the ice. When the baby moved the pain reduced immensely and  the Tylenol helped a little - so I was able to get a little sleep eventually. But boy what a night that was!!!

I have been dealing with this pain off and on since the very end of my 2nd trimester but it has gotten worse -a lot worse. I have read that as the baby gets bigger and my abdomen grows it will only get worse...hopefully it will all be resolved tomorrow!!!

Tomorrow we will wake up and head to the hospital to have a baby. Much different than how my first delivery went down...but how he gets here is not important. I just want to lay my eyes on this precious baby!!!

I am a little nervous about the procedure and the recovery - but I have done it once and that went fine...and that was after 21 hours of labor. This time I will get to skip that whole labor part and move right on to the delivery! I am perfectly fine with that!

I can't believe we have made it this far. This was once a dream...a prayer...a wish...and now it is a reality. I am so blessed!!!

Thank you to ALL of you who have helped pray our way through this journey! Before, during, and after! Can't wait to share Liam's arrival with you!!! Stay tuned!

I hate Waiting!

Waiting...that's what we are doing...waiting. I hate waiting!

I am currently scheduled for a c-section on Jan 21st (that's 11 days from now). I know it's not far away, but geesh, I wouldn't mind if he came sooner than that!!! My entire mid section and back are in constant pain. I had no idea one could be so uncomfortable. I don't remember any of this from my first pregnancy...but then again I was only 24! This baby is also breech, maybe that causes a little more discomfort. Or, perhaps it's the fact that this baby is going to be "significantly larger than my last baby" according to the doctor. (Thank God I'm having a c-section!) Either way, I am miserable. (Happily Miserable!)

I am trying not to be impatient. Us infertiles know how annoying it is to hear us cry and complain about not being pregnant and then continue to cry and complain when we do get pregnant. But, infertile or not - this part is PAINFUL!

I am a little more than 38 weeks along. I had already given birth to my first son by now. So, in all reality this is the longest pregnancy I have ever had. (I am sure those of you who have gone past your due date have a word or two for me =) I'm being a baby...I'll admit it.

To be honest though, I feel like I have been waiting for this for years...maybe because I have. It isn't like it's just been the anticipation of a typical 40 week pregnancy. I have literally been waiting to give birth to a child that I have loved in my heart for almost ten years. I have been anticipating the birth of this child for a very very long time.

I would say the waiting has been the hardest part, but really I'm not sure. It could have been the three pregnancy losses, or the cancer (yeah, probably the cancer), or the multiple surgeries and procedures to 'correct' my problems, or the IVF...three times, or the pills, or the hormone shots, or the giant shots in my bum (don't miss those), or the many disappointments along the way, or the financial strain, or the uncertainty...it all sucked actually. But the end result will be beautiful - a baby boy that we have prayed and waited for. A true miracle child...and he will be ours...and he will be here soon. I've come this far...what's 11 more days.

I can wait. I know that. I don't want to...but I
have already proven that I can!

There it is at 38 weeks!