Letting Go...

Last night I had an epiphany...I realized that I have been going about this all wrong. I have been going to God seeking a baby, but God wants me to go to Him to seek Him...the baby will be a bonus. I have said similar words before - but I really understand them now.

I realize now that God's plan for me is a good one. No matter what the outcome or paths that he may lead me down, I know that ultimately I will be happy. God loves me, he wants only good things for me. I have to let go of my plan. I have to let go of my timeline and just wait...upon the Lord.

I do believe that I will have another child. I believe that a baby is part of God's plan for me, but I need to stop trying to force God's hand. I need to just sit back and watch God work and await his blessings. Even if God does not bring me a baby, I know that if I am in his will I will be happy. (Please understand that even thinking these words is very hard for me - but I know that if I truly trust in God as I say I do then I will be ok!)

I have decided that I am letting go. I am NOT letting go of my dreams, I am just letting go of MY plans. I am letting God have my fertility and I am going to let God take the lead...for once.

I am reading a book called Hannah's Hope, I highly recommend it as it has helped me reach this place. At one point the author asks: Are you seeking a baby more than you are seeking God? Are you seeking God because you want a baby or because you want God? - that is when it hit me!

God knows I want another child. I don't have to keep asking him EVERYDAY!! I know how annoying it can be when my students ask me the same questions over and over and over again...I can only image that that is how God feels about me right now. He probably wants to shout: "I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME!!!"

One of the very first verses I ever learned sums it all up:
"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you..."
Matt 6:33

Such a simple verse but it tells us if we just seek God everything else will be taken care of. In the past I was seeking a baby and hoping for God...now I will seek God and hope for a baby!

I still believe. I still hope. But, I am letting go and letting God. (please remind me of this in a few days!!)

Roller Coaster

This last week has been a Roller Coaster - and not in a good way!

I went to see my doctor on Tuesday to discuss the details of our cycle...here is the low down:

Our embryos were even more perfect than the last time. My husbands "stuff" was even more healthy than the last time. My uterus was even more beautiful than the last time. Everything was even more wonderful than last time and I did get pregnant...I was pregnant for exactly 9 days. But end result...now I am not.

To make things even more crazy when I had my third HCG test (pregnancy test) it was at 36 (anything above 5 is considered positive). It was 8.8 the first time, 8.1 the second, and 36 the third - What the Hey-Hey??? No one seemed to know why the numbers were going up. Even with a 36 it is still considered low for "how far along" I was supposed to be. Today my HCG was back down to 12. Which confirms what I already knew and had accepted a week ago - another miscarriage. Part of me was thinking "maybe it is my miracle" when my number came back at 36 - but the other part of me knew better. Don't get me wrong I believe that God is still doing miracles...and I believe that I will get one - soon! But - it was hard for my mind to wrap around the "36" considering all of the physical things that my body has gone through over the last two weeks. (Remember - this isn't my first rodeo...I could write a book on pregnancy loss - that book would really suck by the way)

In a way I am relieved that I am not pregnant (probably because of the amount of wine that I consumed last weekend), the door is now open for us to just relax and allow God to work (yeah - I'm going to lay off of the wine...I just needed one weekend of not caring...don't judge me!!). We can actually have sex now just because we want to - not because we have to (although no matter the circumstances...I don't think anyone was complaining). I would have loved to have been pregnant during Christmas but at least now I can partake in the seasons festivities and not have to worry about being sick or tired...I can just enjoy! (Please know I'd puke my guts out on Christmas morning if it meant that I could give my husband another child and my son a sibling...I am just trying to find the bright side so just go with it!)

I still have a lot to be excited about, my husband is cancer free and not sick from radiation or chemo. My son still believes in the magic of Christmas and at least humors all of my Christmas traditions. I am blessed. I am have everything that most people want in a life time and I know that one day I will have another ornament on my tree that says "Baby's First Christmas!" I don't know when I will hang it, but I know that I will...one day!

I am excited about the future...I am excited about the miracles that are still to come! I know mine is out there somewhere.

"To him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine according to his power that is at work within us." Eph. 3:20-21

Moving On...

Well, it is that time again. Time to pick up the pieces after another failed cycle and move on. Usually I do this with a carrot cake but not this time.

For the first time, I do not feel the need to punish myself with the guilt trip that usually follows my failed-fertility junkfoodpalooza. Nope, this time I want to make things better. It helps that I did not gain a single pound this go-round. (How in the world I managed that - I have no idea!) I want to keep the momentum going!! I don't feel the desire to self-sabotage as I did in the past...perhaps this goes along with that unexplainable peace thing!

I do, however, have the desire to do all of the things that are "forbidden" during a fertility cycle...I want to drink a glass of wine while taking a steaming HOT bubble bath. And then have a cup of REAL coffee - followed by a heavily caffeinated soft drink while sitting in a hot tub! Take that Preggos!! (sorry...I guess there is still a tad bit of bitterness in there somewhere:)

It is funny how you analyze EVERYTHING that you do during a fertility cycle, or when your newly pregnant for that matter. I can't tell you how many times I thought I was going to screw things up by doing normal everyday stuff. Even the day of my transfer we were late because I analyzed what I should wear to the appointment! I changed outfits three or four times...it went kind of like this:

Outfit 1 - sweats and t-shirt, I looked at myself and thought "nope too desperate" (like the embryos were going to take one look at me and head for the hills)

Outfit 2 - jeans, shirt, heels, I was seriously thinking it would work better if I looked "cute" but changed my mind when I realized that I was going to be basically naked when the real show started and this just involved too much taking off and putting back on

Outfit 3 - yoga pants and t-shirt, I realized it was the exact same outfit I wore to my last transfer (yes I remember what I was wearing one year ago - it was kind of a big deal then too)...fearing I would bring bad "ju-ju" with me I ripped those clothes off so fast I tore a hole in the shirt.

The winner:
Outfit 4 - different yoga pants, different tee - needless to say if I ever do this again I will NOT wear yoga pants to my transfer (apparently they are cursed)!!!!

One good thing about moving on is NO MORE STRESSING OUT ABOUT EVERYTHING! I guess I can take solace in the fact that for a few months at least - I can try to be (or pretend to be) normal! Depending on your definition of normal, of course!

Even though I did not get what I wanted out of this deal, I am still hopeful that I will one day. Until then, I will just keep moving on...

Unexplainable Peace

I am sitting here today in an empty house...and it is kind of peaceful! I am feeling better both physically and emotionally. I really can't explain the peace that I have right now. I am still sad - I cry every now and then. I was just cleaning my bath tub and tears just started rolling...but that was kind of happening already so at least now I have a reason for it. But overall, I am ok. My heart is at peace...real peace. The kind that can't be explained! The kind that can only come from God.

I know that we will bring another child (or children) into our home and our family. I know that I will be a mother again. I will never give up on that. God put the desire in my heart to be a "...joyful mother of children" (Psalm 113:9) and that I will be one day.

My faith is even renewed a little and I am excited about what God has in store for me. I mean if a perfect IVF cycle was not his plan then he must have something truly amazing in mind.

I know that the empty crib in my home will one day hold a baby. I do not doubt that at all. I can't explain it...I just know!

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

Good News...Bad News

The Good News:
Well, I finally peed!! And guess what?? I saw TWO LINES...yes TWO LINES! I have waited 6 years to see TWO LINES and I finally saw them!! But there is more to the story...

The Bad News:
So I took a test last night (hence the above). Then, I took another one this morning and there were still two lines but the "test" line was very faint (lighter than last night). I went in for my blood work and it came back "Marginally Positive." Meaning: "it's Positive but it ain't good." About an hour after the blood work I started bleeding and cramping (not spotting...but real bleeding). So...things are not looking so good for me right now. I do go back for another blood draw next week. So - we'll see...maybe that will be my miracle!

I am sad, but I am not angry. I am not mad. I don't understand why it happened this way, especially with a "positive" but I know that there is a reason! I still love God and I still believe that he is going to fulfill his promise!

I am thankful for the joy that I got to experience last night when I saw those two precious lines on that stick!! I didn't care that it had been freshly peed on - I wanted to kiss it right then and there! I had forgotten how wonderful it feels to think "I am going to have a baby." I got to think that last night - even if it was just for a few hours...it was wonderful.

My heart hurts when I think that 9 days ago two perfect living embryos entered my body and for some reason my body failed them. I, their mother, let them down. I was unable to protect them and sustain them. All I had to do was keep them in there and I failed. What did I do wrong?? Did I eat too much? Did I not pray enough? Did I not believe enough? Did I do too much? All of these questions plague my mind...even though I know that there really are no answers.

I will be ok. My family will be ok. I truly believe with all of my heart that it WILL happen!

My faith has certainly grown and become so strong. I enjoy spending time with God each day. I'll admit there was a time when I viewed it as a chore - but not now. Maybe, God wants me to put all of my faith in HIM and HIM alone. Maybe he wants me to allow his true miracle to take place without shots, or medicine, or a team of people all up in my business. Which, by the way, I am fine with...I just wish he'd let me know!

To Pee or not to Pee???

So I am currently 4dp5dt (in English that means 4 days past 5 day transfer). I have done pretty good trying not to obsess about it. I have kept busy and have spent some quality time with my son!

I, of course, think I am pregnant (there is not an infertile in the world who does not think she is pregnant after a treatment cycle). I feel pregnant. I have had a few signs that could absolutely point to pregnancy. They could also be the side effects of the massive amounts of hormones that I am on - but I choose to believe the pregnancy theory!

One thing is for sure - I am eating junk food like it's my job. I know I am not supposed to be doing that...It all relates back to that whole emotional eater thing I have going on. I have considered going out for a walk or a bike ride instead of stuffing my face - but really food sounds and looks so good right now!

I am currently having an internal debate regarding whether or not I should take a home pregnancy test. Last time we did IVF - I did not. I just waited for the blood test...we all know how that turned out. The thing with HPTs is that I could take it too early and it might not detect what it needs to in order to give an accurate result. Which I think is a good thing...because if it were to be negative...I really don't have to accept that as a definitive answer. But...then I again I guess that would work the same way if it were to say positive...hmmm.

Here is the thing...I believe that this is the path that God has set us on. I believe that this is what he has for me. I am not hopeful or wishful. I am faithful. I KNOW it IS going to happen...I hope it is now! I think it is now! I want it to be now!

I will admit that yesterday I went to the drug store with the sole intention of buying a HPT...when I found, to my surprise, that they had them locked up behind a glass cabinet. What??? So I went to the pharmacist to ask him to open it but chickened out when I saw that they had replaced the old man pharmacist with a super young Abercrombie model!! What the??? Isn't there like an age requirement for dealing with super important medicines and such. And people that hot shouldn't also get to be smart...totally not fair...or rather greedy on their part. Anyway - I don't know what came over me...it is not like I am shy when it comes to my fertility. I think I allowed myself to chicken out because I am still not sure if I want to pee on a stick or not!

Now that is a dilemma that I bet most (normal) people don't have! (It's just another part of The Secret Life of the Infertile!)

My Faith Challenge

Over the last few months I have really felt like I am supposed to share my story somehow. I mean more than a Blog - but in person. I feel like part of why I have been led down this path is so that I can share my Faith with others. A good friend of mine told me awhile back "You know you really need to share your testimony." Ever since then I have felt the need and desire but I just wasn't sure how to go about it.

Just a few weeks ago I was praying aloud and I specifically asked God to provide an outlet for me to share my testimony. I asked God to lead me to a group of people who need to hear about my "Faith Challenge" and allow me to share with them. I even specifically asked that God lead me to a "Ladies Group" or something small to start with. About a week after I spoke that prayer, I got a phone call from my mom. Just so happened that her Ladies Group at church was looking for a speaker at their monthly meeting and she wanted to know if I wanted to come and share my testimony with them!!! WOW! (Now, I did not tell anyone about my prayer - and I had never made my desire to share my testimony known to anyone...other than God.)

Talk about Amazing!

So last night I shared my story with a group of Ladies whom I barely knew. I honestly don't even remember all of what I said - but I do know that I never stumbled, I didn't even look at my notes. I just opened my mouth and the words came pouring out. I felt like at that very moment I was in God's perfect will.

I feel like this is just one more example of God trying to tell me that he hears me - he knows my heart's desires and he will give them to me in his time.

My Faith challenge is far from over. I battle with it every day. Even though I know what God can do, even though I believe that I WILL BE PREGNANT...the enemy still tries to fill my head with doubt. I have a feeling that these next two weeks are going to be the true test of my Faith. Even though my heart knows - I have to keep telling my head! Satan wants us to doubt. He wants us to blame chance or coincidence. He of course, does not want us to give God any credit whatsoever. But what he wants and what he gets are two different things!!!!

I have Faith because I have a promise...in writing:

"You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised." Hebrews10:36

"By Faith Abraham, even though he was past age - and Sarah herself was barren - was enabled to become a father/mother because he considered him faithful who had made the promise." Hebrews 11:11

"...because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:3-5

"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised those who love him." James 1:12

My prayer:

Lord,
I thank you for loving me enough to trust me to follow your will. I thank you for using my family to show the world your miracles. I thank you for standing by us in even the darkest of times. We are so blessed!

Today I pray for every family whose heart's desire is to fill their home with children. I pray for every empty womb, every empty crib, and every empty heart. No matter what their circumstances Lord, I pray that you will comfort them and fulfill their dreams.

Your words speaks that we should be fruitful - and I pray for all of those who desire this so. Lord, I ask you to lead us down the paths in which your will can be done. Show us and guide our steps as we endure the journey to fulfill our hearts.

Selfishly, Lord I pray for these embryos that are currently residing in my body. I pray that my body will sustain them. Keep them safe. Cradle them and allow them to grow and become full of life until it is time for them to safely enter this world. I thank you for the favor that you have already shown to my family - miracles beyond imagination! I am grateful, Lord. I am humbled. I am honored.

Amen!

A Season for Miracles

i sit here tonight just days away from my embryo transfer with a faithful heart. I am not sure if I can begin to explain all of the little miracles that I have seen take place over these last few weeks.

Two days ago I had my egg retrieval. They were able to get 19 eggs from the follicles that were growing....19 eggs!!! That is way more than last time. A few hours after the procedure my nurse called to tell me that of the 19 - 12 had fertilized! This is great news! Because of our numbers we are probably looking at a 5 day transfer. So that means in just three days from now...I will be pregnant! Amen.

This whole process has seemed a little different than last time. Well, for starters...my husband is not in the midst of a cancer battle and is totally cancer free! (Praise the Lord) Second, I just feel so faithful...not hopeful, not whimsical. I feel real, actual, confident FAITH! I don't feel like I am forcing feelings. I just feel like this is our time! Not to mention - how things have just "worked out" for us. I said this before but I have to share it again - last year we paid over $12,000 for our IVF cycle - this time it has only cost around $4,500!!! A huge miracle! A major miracle! The drug company donated ALL of my injectible medicines (usually costs about $3,000) - we did not pay a dime! God gave me that medicine. God lead us to a Christian doctor who has compassion and generosity in his heart! God has had his hand in this process.

God has been so good to my family. I honestly feel guilty for asking for more. But I believe that having another child (or children) is a promise that God gave me. I will cling to that promise. I have seen so many small signs and miracles happening around me - I feel like they are just glimpses of what God is about to do for us. I believe that God gave me this desire and I believe that God will satisfy this desire. If for some reason I am wrong and this is not my time - I will not lose faith. I will be sad, but I will still love God and my faith will not waver!

Over the last 10 years of my life Satan has tried to steal my joy and shatter my faith...here are some examples:

- two miscarriages
- financial hardships
- loss of a parent
- 4 failed fertility treatments
- husband diagnosed with cancer
- families that we loved being destroyed
- disappointed by loved ones/friends

My list is probably no longer than anyone elses when you think about it. If you were to make a list of all of the major "bad" things that have happened in your life your list may very well be longer and more devastating than mine...but our trials are not what is important...it is how we got through them.

It would have been very easy for me to get angry and blame God for all of those things - but instead I cry out and praise Him for all of the good things that he has done for me! I praise him when I win and I praise him when I lose! I am thankful that I could lean on God and my faith in Him during all of those dark times.

God has never left me - even when I have been far-far away...God was there. He has never forsaken me and I don't believe that he is going to start now. As I said before I believe that this is my time! It is after all...a season for miracles!

Short and Sweet

First things first...in my last blog entry I mentioned that I had "13 baby eggs up in my uterus" what I meant was...I have 13 eggs up in my ovaries - I have not reached my transfer yet and ABSOLUTELY did not implant 13 eggs!!! OMG - sorry about that!!

Also - not sure why the font was so crazy...I just type and I am not really sure about the rest!

Anyway - went to the doctor again today and things are looking really good! I feel good and I am very hopeful that this is going to happen. I have a peace about the whole thing no matter what! I know that God will direct us no matter how thing send up if we end up with a baby then my heart will be overjoyed if we don't I know that God will lead us to one somehow.

I know that God has a baby for us - I feel like we are on the right path to finding that baby. It seems that the doors are opening and things are just falling into place...which is kind of familiar. I think I may have felt this way last time too - but obviously it was not meant to be then. I don't know why but it was not our time. Maybe now is!

Here We Go Again!

Well here we are…same situation…new blog entry!

But there have been a few changes since we last met. First of all, we started another cycle of IVF (yeah, I know…that’s kind of big news). I seriously did not think I would want to do IVF again, but after meeting with our IVF doctor things just kind of fell into place.

Let me explain…

We met with our doctor back in June (I think) he explained that he really thought we should try IVF again – he said there are NO REASONS why we can’t get pregnant using IVF. I really trust him and it sounded good, but I knew there was no way we could afford to do another cycle. That’s when the miracles started happening…

First, the doctor offered to do our IVF cycle at a VERY reduced rate!! I mean really reduced!! That was a huge relief - but having gone down this road once before I knew that the actual cycle cost is only half of the whole IVF cost. Even with the reduced price we could never afford all of the medicines. Last time our medicines alone cost more than $4,000.00!!! So we said we would think about it and get back to them.

A few days later the nurse called with some AMAZING news. She explained our situation to one of the drug reps and ended up getting ALL of my injectibles donated…all of them!!! I was stoked but still felt like there must be a catch in there somewhere. I still needed to work on gathering up the money for the doctor’s office so we scheduled the IVF start date for a few months later.

A Few months later…

Here we are with some FREE (yes I said FREE) meds and 13 little baby eggs up in my uterus!! Things have just fallen into place. We were able to come up with the money that we needed to start the cycle. My husband is feeling great and is actually able to be a part of this whole crazy process (he might wish he were still sick on some days).

I went to the doctor today and things are RIGHT ON SCHEDULE! I have only had two hot flashes and have cried only like 17 times – things are awesome! I did eat a half of a bag of Doritos (we were out of Cheetos) but I am just counting that as a bonus!

Oh – and the best news of this whole business so far is that when I got weighed at my first visit I weighed 10 pounds LESS than last time!! Whoo-Hoo!! (But – that was before the Doritos…dang-it!)

So things are looking good! I feel really good about this (although I am pretty sure I felt good about the last one too). My life is in a really good place right now. My family is healthy and we just feel that God has directed our path up to this point. I just pray that he continues to direct it…hopefully right into the doors of the delivery room!!

Strange Babies

Strange Baby - Episode 1 "Stalker Baby"

A few months ago my cell phone rang and an unfamiliar number appeared on my screen, thinking nothing of it I answered it. After giving my normal "Hello" I heard a very sweet and sharp "goooo-gahhhhhh-goooooo" - seriously this is what I heard. Again, I tried for the greeting and again I got some more baby babble. Some real authentic baby babble. I looked again at the number and again I did not recognize it. Instead of just hanging up the phone like any (sane) normal person I listened for a moment more and then I completely lost my mind and actually tried to talk to the freakin baby. The baby laughed and gave me some more goos and gahhhs, but nothing I could make sense of. I held the phone to my ear and just listened - for a good seven minutes or so - just listened to some random baby...who was apparently stalking me. The weirdest part (oh yeah - it gets weirder) was that eventually, while listening to the crazy baby talk I started to get a bit teary. I wondered if I would ever get to hear those sounds again...from my very own baby. Here I am practically crying on the phone with some strange baby who I am sure just smashed a bunch of numbers on a phone and called me at random - yet I tried to converse....with a BABY!!!!!!!

In the end, I decided that it must be some sort of sign. I have the gift of turning just about anything that happens to anyone - anywhere in the world into some sort of sign meant for me. In my mind this random phone call from a baby stalker was my "future baby: calling me just to let me know that he or she was still out there and not to give up hope. Ummmm, crazy but I'll take it!



Strange Baby - Episode 2 "Baby Stalker"

Over this past weekend my family and I took a trip to a nearby theme park to celebrate our son's ninth birthday. (Wow 9!!!) It seemed like every single woman there was parading around a sweet baby at various stages of baby cuteness. (Who takes a bitty baby to a theme park anyway??? Me, that's who - just you wait - when I do have a baby I'm taking that sucker everywhere and I'm going to milk being a new mom for all it's worth!) Oh, ok...anyway..back to my story. So, we are there having a grand time with all of these babies just taunting us. Girl babies. Boy babies. Fat babies. Skinny babies. Black babies. White babies. Asian babies. You name it - it was there!

At one point, I found myself smiling and trying to talk to the baby who was being held by her mom in front of me while we waited in line. The baby laughed and smiled but after about 15 minutes and a few odd glances from the mom I decided to wrap things up. Later, I saw the cutest fuzzy haired little boy laying on his mother's shoulder. He reached his arm toward me at and I instinctively leaned in toward him to kiss his tiny baby hand - OMG...I wish I was making this up. I literally almost kissed a strange baby's sweet chubby baby hand - without even thinking!! Thank God, I caught myself and manged to fake out a sneeze instead. So instead of kissing a strange baby I faked sneezed on it - really, I don't know which is worse! I do know that I am now an official baby stalker!

Babies calling me. Seeing babies everywhere I go. One thing is for sure - I'm losing it!!!

Infertile Hell

Over the last 24 hours I have literally put myself in INFERTILE HELL!

First, I attended a baby shower last night (that in it self is hell for an infertile) but this was no ordinary baby shower - there was not one pregnant belly, not two pregnant bellies, not even three...there were 4 beautiful pregnant bellies...F-O-U-R!!! It just so happens that I have 4 pregnant friends and they were all in one place last night. The thing is, I love them - and I promise you I am happy for them. I really really am. But, I am honestly and completely jealous of them! I am jealous of their morning sickness, swollen ankles, stretch marks, and extreme fatigue...I am jealous of every minute of it! I try not to be. I keep telling myself that I should be happy with what I have - and I am. But I also want a pregnant belly of my own. I want my friends to gather and celebrate the birth of my next child - I want a sibling for my son. I don't want to be the secretly sad girl that everyone feels sorry for at the next baby shower.

Oh, and to make my first stop in Infertile Hell a real hoot - I decided that I would stick to my diet and forgo the wine that was readily available - why did I do that?? (note to self: next time you are at a baby shower...TIP IT!!!)

The ride is not over yet.

Next stop - Fertility Doctor...

So, we went back to the doctor today. Finally decided to sit down with him and take a look at what went wrong with our IVF cycle. Here's the kicker...

nothing went wrong. Everything was exactly perfect!!!

Yep -

eggs - perfect!
uterus - perfect!
sperm - perfect!

He basically said that I had a 60-70 percent chance of getting pregnant and he has no friggin' clue as to why I didn't!

PERFECT!

Everything that needed to happen for the cycle to be successful happened. I believe he even called it "textbook". Geesh! I guess that is what I get for being the Infertile Goddess!! I do have a reputation to uphold.

I think I was better off not knowing the truth. In my mind it didn't work because there was some terrible medical mix up and the doctors were going to make it up to me by throwing in a fresh IVF cycle - on the house!!!

There is some good news though...my husband is making a FULL recovery (if you know what I mean) from the chemotherapy! Things are looking good!!

Also - on the note of good news...I am down 9 lbs!!! I still have about 15 to go - but YAY, it's a start!

I am ready to say goodbye to this placed called Infertile Hell - and I have no interest in sending post cards!!!

Next stop...Fertileville!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Prom Babies and Skinny Jeans

Not much has changed regarding the fertility situation. I do have an upcoming appointment with my fertility doc to discuss what's next - if there is a next. We have explored the adoption thing a little bit more. We have met with a few people who have worked in foster care adoption and are considering that route. I have looked in to private adoption - but I really don't know how we could swing the cost. But it is still on the table!

There is good news though... it's PROM season!! You know what that means...in a few months there will be an influx of sales from EPTs and Clear Blue Easys - and girls everywhere will suddenly "go off to live with their long lost aunts". And what does this mean to me...PROM BABIES!! In fact, I have seriously considered launching an all-out campaign in search of unwanted Prom Babies. I am even willing to make posters and pass out business cards at the local high school come Fall. Perhaps, even an add in our local newspaper - sadly...I'm totally serious! I mean I know it is going to happen - in a few months some girl is going to find herself in the "motherly way" and say: "But, it was my first time." (sure it was sweetie!) She will either: a) do the unthinkable b) be secretly thrilled c) look for options...I could be that option!!!!

So please, pas it along to all of your friends - I am on the hunt for a prom baby!!! I could even be a "long lost aunt" to some sweet little girl "in trouble" - ok that came out kind of creepy...I meant that I would happily turn my guest room into a "home for unwed mothers" on one condition...leave the baby when you go!!!!

So in other news - I am still battling the weight/health issue and am actually seeing success!! I have lost 7 lbs in the last 3 weeks!! Woo-hoo!! I bit the bullet and joined a weight loss center (Metabolic Research Center). I don't care if it is a scam - it is working and I need the accountability that they offer!! the diet is similar to South Beach but it does require that you weigh in once a month and see a counselor - which I totally need!!

I may be wearing skinny jeans yet! Speaking of skinny jeans...

First of all I HATE skinny jeans! I don't think they look good on anyone (ANYONE - especially guys!!!) When I see a girl wearing skinny jeans (actually skinny or not) the first thing I think is "Man, I bet she has a wedgie!" The absolute worst skinny jeans scenario is that of skinny jeans being worn by a slightly chunky 2nd grade child (and why do kids wear them anyway??) on tornado-drill day!! Seriously - no one needs to see that!!!

My definition of skinny jeans:
- jeans that you can zip while standing
-jeans that do not allow for any muffin-top action
-jeans that do not cut off your circulation
-jeans that do not leave red marks and/or possible impalement in ones tummy area
- jeans that allow bending at the knee
-most importantly jeans that stretch!!!

Happy Prom Season!!

My 29 Year Love/Hate Relationship with the Big Mac

Well...let me start by telling you that I am hijacking my blog! I created this blog to vent about my infertility problems, but it seems I just have too many problems and not enough blogs! (Of course I am too lazy to just start a new blog about a new topic!)

But, really this topic does kind of bridge into my fertility issues...well, sort of...work with me on this!

This particular entry has been stirring in my head for awhile and I just need to get it out...you are the lucky ones who get to read it...

My Big Mac Story
I did not have my first Big Mac (yes, as in the McDonald's Big Mac) until I was 29 (that's right 29)! Since I can remember I have always struggled with my weight (apparently, it's one of my fertility issues...see I knew we could make it work). I grew up thinking that the Big Mac was the most fattening food known to man. I remember seeing billboards showing how many fat grams are in just one of them (I think it is like a billion) and I thought there is no way I could put all of that in my body at one time. Now, I am sure I ingested many other just as fattening things in those 29 years - but none knowingly (kind of the out-of-sight out-of-mind thing). I would hear some one order one and think "OMG - how can you do that??" I wouldn't dare eat one...especially in public.

I am not exactly what you would call fat...at least I don't feel fat. And, if you know me and would call me fat...well then...keep it to your self please! I am certainly not skinny - I am curvy to say the least. But, I am definitely not the kind of girl who needs to walk around eating Big Macs! So, for 29 years I didn't...ever...in my entire life (at the time).

The Big Mac was kind of my arch enemy...it taunted me. I wanted one many times...but I just couldn't do it. I couldn't give in to it's power. Nope...this sorta-fat girl was standing strong!

Then one night...I caved....

It was a hot summer night, a week before we were going back to school. I was in my 2nd year of teaching and had just completed my 2nd Back to School Open House. Later that night, I was home and completely exhausted when I got the phone call that would lead me to give in to the curse of the Big Mac, and change history forever (well maybe not history-history, but my history)

My father had died.

He was sick and in the hospital, so it was expected but still a very tragic situation (but, that makes for another blog). I called my sister and gave her the news. She immediately drove over to my house, bringing along the biggest bottle of wine I have ever seen (maybe not really the biggest - but this is my story so just go with it). We were not close to our father, but we had recently both made amends while he was in the hospital. I wasn't really sure how ones handles losing a parent, close or not. It was such a surreal experience. Here I was 29 years old and about to bury my father (actually, he is in my closet...his choice - he did not want to be buried). So there we sat, on my front porch the two of us drinking a bottle of wine...crying and then laughing because we really didn't know what else to do.

Eventually, my oh-so-sweet husband came out to check on us and asked if he could get us anything...when suddenly I had an idea. I said, "You know what you could get me...a Big Mac...that's what you could get me." He replied with a very concerned, "Ummm...honey, it's 2:30 in the morning." At that time my sister piped in with, "drive throughsss open 24 hours."

And so...away he went on his mission to get us Big Macs and fries at 2:30 in the morning. (Have you picked up on the emotional eater thing yet...cheetos, carrot cakes, Big Macs...yeah that's me)

I was literally giddy with excitement knowing that I was about to eat my first Big Mac. I felt that at this very pivotal point in my life I damned well deserved to have one.

After he arrived home, I unwrapped my burger like a Christmas package...I was going to savor every minute of it. So, I took my first bite and...

it sucked.

I looked at my sister and said, "What the hell...I have waited 29 years for this??"

It was greasy and goopy and soggy. (I am sure they probably don't give you the finest quality at 2:30 in the morning, but still). It was well, GROSS!

Not gross enough for me not to finish, though!!

So...I had a Big Mac and forget lovin' it I didn't even like it...and to this day that is the only Big Mac I have ever had. And you know what...I'm good with it!


I wonder what I will eat when I finally do get pregnant????

Mother of a Day!

Well it is Mother's Day...and I am so blessed to have the honor to celebrate it! I am a Mother and I should be happy with that, I am...but...you know the rest.

This Mother's Day I am thinking more about my blessings and less about what more I want from life. This Mother's Day I am particularly grateful.

Last Mother's Day, I spent the day in bed crying (I think I even blogged about it...but I don't remember and I am to lazy to go back and look through the older posts). The Friday before Mother's Day last year we got the news about my husband's cancer. It wasn't the official diagnosis, but we knew it was cancer. My husband had to go to work on Mother's Day so it was the first day that I was alone (well, without him) since we got this terrible news. As soon as he left I fell apart and pretty much stayed a wreck the entire day. It was terrible. The worst part was that my son knew I was upset but he never said a word. We hadn't told him about the cancer yet but I think he already knew but was afraid to ask me what was wrong because he knew what I was going to say. It was a Mother of a Day!

This year has been very different! My husband is working again which really sucks, but at least he is healthy and able to!! I am grateful for that!

I spent the day with my son, nieces and nephews, my mom and sister - and it was wonderful!

I still think about and want to be a mother again more than anything in this world. I probably think about it 10 times a day (at least). I am trying to come to terms with the fact that it just might not be in the cards for me - but my heart feels differently. I truly deeply believe that I will have another child. I would love to have two or three more children. How we get to that point...I have no idea.

We are thinking about going the fertility route again - but NOT IVF (unless it is somehow free). Maybe we will adopt - we have been talking about that a lot to. (Secretly - I would LOVE to adopt a sibling group...in an ideal/perfect world it would include a newborn and an older child or two). We are talking about a lot of things...thats just it...we are talking. It is really hard to actually DO something when
1) you are out of money (adoption and IVF cost a LOT of money)
2) you are kind of scared to death after the last 4 FAILED attempts at getting pregnant
3) your husband is recovering from cancer
and
4) you think that maybe having your husband healed from cancer just might fill your miracle quota for a life time and asking for another child just might be too much

...so you just talk.

My plan is to once again try and get myself super healthy and then it will just magically happen. I guess we will see. It's a great plan - if it works!

But regardless of my lack of the ability to reproduce lately...I am still a mother and for that I am so grateful! I have several friends who would give anything to be able to say that - I know how lucky I am.

I'm Really Good at Something

Again, I have let the world of bloggers down. I just didn't have the spark for it - I was lost in a world of cancer, holidays, work, and whatever else you think might make a good excuse for being a SLACKER.

I recently found my spark again when we were doing our taxes and it was time to total the amount we spent on invetro. Are you ready for this??? We spent over 12 thousand dollars...and it didn't even work!!! If that isn't something to gripe about - I don't know what is.

So, needless to say...I am back and ready to bitch, gripe, and complain. Hope you are ready for it!!

Let me recap what has been going on since...oh, October.

My husband finished his cancer treatment (yay!). The radiation turned out to be a BEAST! It was the most horrible thing I have seen him go through yet. The chemo was bad (really bad), but since he had treatments every other week I guess he had a few days of almost normalcy in between. Not so for the radiation. He had to get radiation for 17 days straight. Since it was in his chest and neck he had horrible burns in his throat which made him very sick. Needless to say it SUCKED really bad!!! The good thing though, is that he was completely done and working towards recovery just in time for Christmas. And he is COMPLETELY cancer free!!!!

We had the best Christmas we have ever had. I don't mean in the way of gifts (although, he did really good this year). I mean this year we truly knew the meaning of Christmas. We had been given a second chance at life...and we took it! We faced the fact that our family could have been torn apart, and we fought like hell to make sure that did not happen. We celebrated being a FAMILY more than anything. It helped that this was the first Christmas in 10 years where we didn't have to travel to go anywhere. Although, I love traveling and I love being with family. It was so nice to just be home. I didn't have to worry about packing everyone up and all of the Christmas stress at the same time. It was wonderful!

Just a few weeks ago my husband was released to go back to full police duty. That was the moment when I realized that our fight really was over and that we had won!! The down side was that he will no longer be home with us in the evenings or weekends...but duty calls. I am so proud of him. I think he is even stronger now than before his treatment began.

So, about fertility...

We have never given up on the possibility that we can have children of our own...the old fashioned way. I found many articles (in my very advanced Internet research) stating that the type of chemotherapy that he went through does not have a permanent effect on fertility. I cling to this hope!!! We have discussed what our next step would be, and we just aren't sure. We still have some frozen "stuff" - but do I really want to go through that again? Do I really want to hand over that much money and say "good luck"? Don't get me wrong...it is worth every penny - IF it works! If it doesn't work it is not worth a damn cent! I mean seriously...who pays for something and gets nothing but heartache in return?? (Me that's who) I would have been better off paying some thug to take me into a back alley and beat the crap out of me...I mean, that is how you feel after all of the poking, prodding, retrieving, implanting, and waiting. Then when you get the news hat it doesn't work you feel like you've been shot...in the heart.

We will continue to try naturally, for some reason my husband insists that we should try EVERYDAY (men!). I believe that it can happen...but I have been believing that for the last 6 years. At what point do I become a fool? I am just not good at giving up hope. I am not good at accepting things for what they are. We are a family of 3 - I'm not good with it. I am not good giving up on a dream that I have...to be a mother again.

But, I have realized that I am really (really) good at something...not getting pregnant (and bitching about it). I am so good at it that I could probably teach a class or at least earn some sort of Master's degree in it. I mean for some who has tried EVERYTHING (and I mean everything) to get pregnant and it didn't work - I have pretty much perfected the art...of infertility. (Word to the wise: many of you are thinking "quit trying and it will happen" let me just give you some advice...NEVER EVER tell an infertile that. We do NOT want to hear how we are trying too hard or how you got pregnant when you least expected it...even if it is true...WE do NOT want to hear about it!)

From the beginning I have said that I am sure if I were 16, wearing too much make up, a prom dress, and drinking Boone's Farm in the back seat of some guy's dirty camaro - I'd be pregnant in no time. But, nope. (We've even tried the back seat thing...minus the Boone's Farm plus a bottle of chardonnay...and NOTHING.)

I'm just really good at NOT getting pregnant. (take that teen moms!)