Mother of a Day!

Well it is Mother's Day...and I am so blessed to have the honor to celebrate it! I am a Mother and I should be happy with that, I am...but...you know the rest.

This Mother's Day I am thinking more about my blessings and less about what more I want from life. This Mother's Day I am particularly grateful.

Last Mother's Day, I spent the day in bed crying (I think I even blogged about it...but I don't remember and I am to lazy to go back and look through the older posts). The Friday before Mother's Day last year we got the news about my husband's cancer. It wasn't the official diagnosis, but we knew it was cancer. My husband had to go to work on Mother's Day so it was the first day that I was alone (well, without him) since we got this terrible news. As soon as he left I fell apart and pretty much stayed a wreck the entire day. It was terrible. The worst part was that my son knew I was upset but he never said a word. We hadn't told him about the cancer yet but I think he already knew but was afraid to ask me what was wrong because he knew what I was going to say. It was a Mother of a Day!

This year has been very different! My husband is working again which really sucks, but at least he is healthy and able to!! I am grateful for that!

I spent the day with my son, nieces and nephews, my mom and sister - and it was wonderful!

I still think about and want to be a mother again more than anything in this world. I probably think about it 10 times a day (at least). I am trying to come to terms with the fact that it just might not be in the cards for me - but my heart feels differently. I truly deeply believe that I will have another child. I would love to have two or three more children. How we get to that point...I have no idea.

We are thinking about going the fertility route again - but NOT IVF (unless it is somehow free). Maybe we will adopt - we have been talking about that a lot to. (Secretly - I would LOVE to adopt a sibling group...in an ideal/perfect world it would include a newborn and an older child or two). We are talking about a lot of things...thats just it...we are talking. It is really hard to actually DO something when
1) you are out of money (adoption and IVF cost a LOT of money)
2) you are kind of scared to death after the last 4 FAILED attempts at getting pregnant
3) your husband is recovering from cancer
and
4) you think that maybe having your husband healed from cancer just might fill your miracle quota for a life time and asking for another child just might be too much

...so you just talk.

My plan is to once again try and get myself super healthy and then it will just magically happen. I guess we will see. It's a great plan - if it works!

But regardless of my lack of the ability to reproduce lately...I am still a mother and for that I am so grateful! I have several friends who would give anything to be able to say that - I know how lucky I am.