Good News...Bad News

The Good News:
Well, I finally peed!! And guess what?? I saw TWO LINES...yes TWO LINES! I have waited 6 years to see TWO LINES and I finally saw them!! But there is more to the story...

The Bad News:
So I took a test last night (hence the above). Then, I took another one this morning and there were still two lines but the "test" line was very faint (lighter than last night). I went in for my blood work and it came back "Marginally Positive." Meaning: "it's Positive but it ain't good." About an hour after the blood work I started bleeding and cramping (not spotting...but real bleeding). So...things are not looking so good for me right now. I do go back for another blood draw next week. So - we'll see...maybe that will be my miracle!

I am sad, but I am not angry. I am not mad. I don't understand why it happened this way, especially with a "positive" but I know that there is a reason! I still love God and I still believe that he is going to fulfill his promise!

I am thankful for the joy that I got to experience last night when I saw those two precious lines on that stick!! I didn't care that it had been freshly peed on - I wanted to kiss it right then and there! I had forgotten how wonderful it feels to think "I am going to have a baby." I got to think that last night - even if it was just for a few hours...it was wonderful.

My heart hurts when I think that 9 days ago two perfect living embryos entered my body and for some reason my body failed them. I, their mother, let them down. I was unable to protect them and sustain them. All I had to do was keep them in there and I failed. What did I do wrong?? Did I eat too much? Did I not pray enough? Did I not believe enough? Did I do too much? All of these questions plague my mind...even though I know that there really are no answers.

I will be ok. My family will be ok. I truly believe with all of my heart that it WILL happen!

My faith has certainly grown and become so strong. I enjoy spending time with God each day. I'll admit there was a time when I viewed it as a chore - but not now. Maybe, God wants me to put all of my faith in HIM and HIM alone. Maybe he wants me to allow his true miracle to take place without shots, or medicine, or a team of people all up in my business. Which, by the way, I am fine with...I just wish he'd let me know!