Roller Coaster

This last week has been a Roller Coaster - and not in a good way!

I went to see my doctor on Tuesday to discuss the details of our cycle...here is the low down:

Our embryos were even more perfect than the last time. My husbands "stuff" was even more healthy than the last time. My uterus was even more beautiful than the last time. Everything was even more wonderful than last time and I did get pregnant...I was pregnant for exactly 9 days. But end result...now I am not.

To make things even more crazy when I had my third HCG test (pregnancy test) it was at 36 (anything above 5 is considered positive). It was 8.8 the first time, 8.1 the second, and 36 the third - What the Hey-Hey??? No one seemed to know why the numbers were going up. Even with a 36 it is still considered low for "how far along" I was supposed to be. Today my HCG was back down to 12. Which confirms what I already knew and had accepted a week ago - another miscarriage. Part of me was thinking "maybe it is my miracle" when my number came back at 36 - but the other part of me knew better. Don't get me wrong I believe that God is still doing miracles...and I believe that I will get one - soon! But - it was hard for my mind to wrap around the "36" considering all of the physical things that my body has gone through over the last two weeks. (Remember - this isn't my first rodeo...I could write a book on pregnancy loss - that book would really suck by the way)

In a way I am relieved that I am not pregnant (probably because of the amount of wine that I consumed last weekend), the door is now open for us to just relax and allow God to work (yeah - I'm going to lay off of the wine...I just needed one weekend of not caring...don't judge me!!). We can actually have sex now just because we want to - not because we have to (although no matter the circumstances...I don't think anyone was complaining). I would have loved to have been pregnant during Christmas but at least now I can partake in the seasons festivities and not have to worry about being sick or tired...I can just enjoy! (Please know I'd puke my guts out on Christmas morning if it meant that I could give my husband another child and my son a sibling...I am just trying to find the bright side so just go with it!)

I still have a lot to be excited about, my husband is cancer free and not sick from radiation or chemo. My son still believes in the magic of Christmas and at least humors all of my Christmas traditions. I am blessed. I am have everything that most people want in a life time and I know that one day I will have another ornament on my tree that says "Baby's First Christmas!" I don't know when I will hang it, but I know that I will...one day!

I am excited about the future...I am excited about the miracles that are still to come! I know mine is out there somewhere.

"To him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine according to his power that is at work within us." Eph. 3:20-21