There Must be a Reason

I am still in awe of God's mercy! He his faithful - we just can't give up...ever! Even when the road is long and hope seems distant, he hears us and has a perfect plan in mind.

I will probably never understand why I lost those babies years ago, but I know there must be a reason. There must be a reason why my children will be ten years apart. There must be a reason why my family had to go through a cancer battle when we did. There must be a reason why I had to wait seven years for my prayer to be answered. I may never know what those reasons are, but I know they are there.

As each day passes I am more and more at peace. I still find my mind wandering into places that I don't want it to go every now and then, but I reel it back in by reminding myself that God is in control.

I believe God. I trust that God will see this through until the end. I believe this is our time. I really do!

I am feeling more tired each day. I come home from work and take a nap...every day. I am sleeping great at night too - so that's awesome! I am finding a few other symptoms creeping up. I have heartburn almost always after I eat..anything. This morning I brewed my cup of decaf and when it was all done, I just stared at it...I had no desire whatsoever to drink it. For those of you who know me you know THIS is a BIG DEAL!! Although, I am NOT complaining...I love every minute of it!!!

Sharing the News

I am still so excited and a little bit in shock over our wonderful news...mostly excited though!

Some people may think it a better idea to keep this news private for awhile. But NOT me...obviously! I mean, I do blog for all the world to read.

I have never been one for secrets.

 I know that I may be taking a risk by sharing so early, but I feel like this life should be celebrated even at this early stage! I feel like all I have had to share was bad news regarding this situation in my life for so many year,s so I am going to seize the opportunity to finally share  some GOOD news!
We told our son on Friday. He was over the moon excited!!! He just kept saying "I have been praying and praying for this to happen." Every time he sees me now he asks me how I feel or if I am ok. He walks up to me at random times with a huge smile on his face and just hugs me. This morning he told me he just can't stop being so happy. I love it! I love seeing him so happy - I love that he wants this just as much as we do!

I also decided to share the news on Facebook. I mean so many of my FB friends read my blog anyway - so it was kind of out there already. I promised God that I would shout his praises from the mountain top when I received my miracle so I just kind of thought of Facebook as my mountain.

I am really not worried about the "what ifs" that could happen. I'd be lying if I said I never thought about them. I don't intentionally think about them, but they creep their way in sometimes. I just try to focus on the right now! And right now things are wonderful! I really do believe that God is going to continue to bless this pregnancy. I believe that things are going to be fine!!!

So many people have been praying for me - I just feel like they needed to know that our prayers have been heard and answered!!!!!

As far as the pregnancy front goes...
I  feel good. But, I am so so so tired! Last Saturday I ended up taking a nap and so far this weekend I have taken a nap both days (I'll probably regret that later, but oh well!). I am trying not to over analyze every little thing that is happening to my body...but it isn't working all that well. I probably squeeze my boobs a million times a day just to make sure they are still sore. Weird, I know!!!! To those of us who have experienced infertility or loss, pregnancy symptoms are coveted and respected. I guess we kind of think of it as the more symptoms we have - the more pregnant we are...even though I know that is just crazy. It's crazy to normal people...we aren't all that normal though.

I can't wait for my ultrasound day to get here...it feels forever away. But, I am trying to be patient and taking it one day at a time. do plan to enjoy every moment of this pregnancy. It could be my last and I will not take this amazing experience for granted...not this time!!!

My pregnancy prayer:

Dear Lord,
     THANK YOU for hearing my prayers and granting me this request! I know your timing is perfect! Thank you for giving us the desire of our hearts! Thank you for blessing our family!

I ask you now to continue to bless this pregnancy. Please allow me to stay healthy and provide a safe environment for this baby. Please keep watch over me and guide my steps as this pregnancy progresses. Keep this baby healthy and allow this pregnancy to progress to term. Thank you, Lord!

Please be with those whose hearts still ache for a baby. Lord, please hear their prayers and fill their wombs. Bring them the children that they so deeply desire. Thank you, Lord!

Lord, you are faithful. I am so honored and blessed! Thank you! Thank you! Thank You!!!!!

Amen.

Today Was the Day...

Well....

Today was the day.

Today I went to the doctor for my blood test to see if all of this hoopla has been worth it.

Today was the day that my stomach was in knots as I awaited that phone call that I have received so many times before...but this time it was different.

Today was the day that I got to hear thewords that I have been waiting 7 years to hear...today I heard:

CONGRATULATIONS, YOU'RE PREGNANT!!

Even now just seeing those words on the screen I am in shock! I really am pregnant. I really am pregnant!!!!!!

My HCG level was 153 (anything over 5 is positive, but the higher the better)!! Last time it was an 8 and we all know how that ended, so I am stoked about 153!!!!

Yes, I am still a bit cautious about the future. I know it is very early and our track record has not been great, but I am trusting God! I have a complete peace about this. I am just going to enjoy the "right now."

I will not worry because if you have doubt or worry you are not trusting...I am trusting!

"Do not worry or be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."   Phil 4:6-7
Phil 4:6-7

I can't believe this day has come....I mean I knew it would...I just can't believe that I get to finally say it...

I AM PREGNANT!!!!!!

2 ww Update

Still here in what seems like the longest week of my life...waiting.

Things do seem to be getting a little more interesting, though. I may (or may no)t be having some very promising symptoms.

My you know whats are very sore and becoming more sore every day. Isn't that weird that that makes me happy! I am so tired...I mean so tired. I could take a nap every day and usually I am not a napper. But, again I could still be adjusting to the no caffeine thing. I want to eat everything!!! And, a few days ago I broke out in this really gross looking rash...or what looks like 15 year old girl acne. I have never really had any issues with acne in the past but I have these tiny bumps all over my face, neck, and even my upper back - yuck, I know! But - I googled it (because that's what infertiles do) and wouldn't you know it...there is such a thing a Early Pregnancy Acne - it is even more weird that THAT makes me happy.

Who knows really, but I choose to think of all of these things as GOOD signs!!!

The Dreaded 2WW

I am currently in what we infertiles call the 2 week wait, or the 2ww.

This is the time in between transferring the embryos and finding out if you are knocked up or not. It is also known as the week of hell.

You see, we try to stay busy but then if you get too busy you worry that your are going to ruin the whole shebang. So, you try taking it easy and resting but then you go practically insane from doing nothing but laying around running all of the "what if" scenarios in your head. There is really no win here...well, unless you get to the end of your 2ww and get a BFP (big fat positive)...that, my friends is a freakin win!

During this time it is pretty much impossible not to analyze every little thing that happens to your body. Every feeling, every mood, every yawn, every bathroom break, every thing and anything that we can possibly use to put a check in the pregnant box...we do it!

And if we feel nothing...well then we freak the heck out!

My 2ww symptoms have been almost non-existent. I mean I do feel tired, but I did switch to decaf recently. My bbs hurt a little, but only a little and it could be from all of the hormones that I am taking.  I have had some mild cramping, I mean really mild, and cramps could really go either way. I did develop this rash on my chest, I got the same rash last time during our cycle (and I did get pregnant that time) but it could just be from the drugs also.

The thing is you just have to wait. No matter how many times we google "am I pregnant" or "early pregnancy symptoms" we still aren't going to know until we have a blood test. There is the whole pee on a stick (POAS) thing, but we usually only trust those if they are positive :)

When I sit down and think about it though...nine years ago I was pregnant. I didn't find out I was pregnant until I was about 6 or 7 weeks along and you know what I felt during those 6 or 7 weeks...nadda! I had no idea! So I am trying (kind of unsuccessfully) to just be patient and wait.

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day!

While this day is so happy for many, including me, it is also heart wrenching for many, including me.

So many of us take for granted the fact that we have been chosen to be mothers. We just assume that it is "part of life," but for so many that isn't the case. There are so many women out there who just want to be mothers. They want the very thing that women were designed for - but have not been able to achieve it yet. My heart breaks for those women. I do realize that I am blessed to be a mom, but I still have an emptiness in my heart that can only be filled by becoming a "...joyful mother of children."

My Mother's Day Prayer:

Dearest Heavenly Father,

I humbly come before you and offer all that I am to you and your will. I thank you for the blessing you gave me 9 years ago. I am honored to be called a mother. I pray for forgiveness as I know I have failed so many times. I pray that you will continue to guide me and allow me to be the Godly mother that I should be.

I pray Lord, that you will look upon our family once again and send us another child (or children). Lord, I pray that at this moment life is being formed within my womb. I ask that you grant us this desire that we so desperately seek. Lord, I pray that this pregnancy will be successful and healthy and will result in us bringing a child (or children) into our home soon. Please hear our prayers, Oh lord!

Lord, I pray for the many women who share this desire. I pray that you will hear their prayers and grant them the desires of their hearts. Lord, your word says that "You will settle the barren women in her home as a happy mother of children." Lord, this is my prayer, my cry - please hear it and fulfill this promise for those of us who ask it. Lord, please fill our wombs, our cribs, and our homes with the babies that we so desperately desire.

Lord, I know you have heard my request. I know that your plan for me is good.  I trust that if this is not your will for us then you will bring comfort and guidance to help us find your perfect will.

Amen.


Whew! I am sure that the big Guy follows my blog and will so read this! But - just in case please feel free to pass the word along!!! :)

OK - an update on me:
It is four days post transfer, I am feeling very tired - I would love to attribute this to this pregnancy but it could also be the fact that I have switched to decaf...but just for fun let's go with the pregnancy theory! My bbs (yeah, you know what that means) are also a little sore, also a sign of pregnancy (although with my son I did not have any soreness until much later), but it could also be a side effect of the massive amount of hormones that I am on. My hips and butt are still so sore (from the shots). I have huge knots on my lower back and hips, not to mention a few bruises - it's awesome!

Technically, I am 9 days pregnant...only 271 days to go!!!! Let's just pray that those embies are getting nice and comfy and plan to stay the whole time!!!

Signs

I am a believer of signs. I believe that some times God gives us little glimpses of things, small signs of hope just to keep us hanging on.

I also know that I can pretty much turn anything into a sign - here is an example of me doing that:

Signs that this will be a successful cycle:

- My 9 year old son said so. He said this is the time it is going to work. I believe him.

- It is Spring...eggs hatch in the spring! Spring brings forth new life - it's a rule!

- I intentionally wore a green dress to our transfer today because green is the color for fertility...my husband wore a green shirt as well. BUT - I didn't tell him to wear it and he had no idea about the green fertility connections! It was so green up in there it just has to work!

- Later, when my mother came over to give me my shot (talk about awkward) she said "you know your eyes are really green today...you are supposed to have blue eyes". I think this is a sign that my body is fertile!!! My eyes were telling me so!

- I wear a bracelet that says "I Believe God" - well today as we were walking into the doctor's office the bracelet broke and fell to the ground...in pieces. I believe that this was a sign that I do not need to wear the bracelet anymore because God is fulfilling his promise today! I am sure it had nothing to do with the fact that the wire was frayed and seemed fragile to begin with.

- This is our 3rd try...and well don't they say that the 3rd time's the charm?!?

All signs point to: YES! Don't you agree?? :)

Dreams

Today was our transfer. Things went very well. Our embryos thawed perfectly and were put exactly where they needed to go. Now all we do is...wait.

I hate waiting.

The only good part about waiting is I am on bed rest today and tomorrow. That could potentially be awesome!!! The only down side so far is that my back, butt, and hips are so sore from my injections that laying in bed is not all too comfortable. I am currently laying on a heating pad which seems to be helping.

I realize that what ever happens from this point is out of my hands. I will just trust God and know that his plan for me is good. If this is not his will then I will just have to accept it and move on (I've done it before). It will be hard, but I do believe that if this is a no then there is a better yes!

I have already started the "things I will do if this doesn't work" list. I will start running again, lose weight (wishful thinking), enjoy a glass (and by glass we all know I mean bottle) of wine, and just try to find ways to enjoy the wonderful life that I have. Of course, I'd rather it just go ahead and work this time!!! I just like to prepare for every outcome.

I do find myself thinking about being pregnant more often these days. I envision myself holding a baby that belongs to me. When I day dream it isn't about tropical islands or pool boys...it's about toothless grins and drooly chins. I long to be awoke in the middle of the night by a baby's cry. I am envious of diaper bags and car seats. Even the thought of changing diapers makes me smile. This is my dream and I want it with every fiber of my soul.

Some day this dream will come true. I am not sure how or when but I just know that it will.

What Else Can I Do?

Things are right on schedule. It's 8pm on Friday night and I'm in my PJs already. The medicines must be working!!

I started my first of the "mac daddy" shots today and to my surprise it did not hurt...at first. The actual injection did not hurt at all but here it is four hours later and I have a sore butt cheek. Oh, well...just another part of this life I guess.

This time around things seem a little different (yes, I believe I have said that about every time - but really this time is different). I am not sure what it is but I don't feel the hope and anticipation that I have in the past. I just feel like "if it happens...it happens." I don't feel like it is not going to happen, I just feel like if it doesn't - I'll be ok.

Maybe it is just my past experiences but I find myself thinking "well, if I don't get pregnant at least I will be able to ______." I don't want to think this way - but I think it is just my own little defense mechanism. I am just trying to guard myself from the heartbreak that I know all too well.

I want more than anything to be pregnant, but I am so tired of just wanting it. I am over the negative pregnancy tests and the crazy hormone roller coasters. I want this to happen so badly and I don't understand why it hasn't...but it is what it is. I feel like I am doing all that I can (well, the Chinese food I had tonight was probably pushing it.) What else can I do?

Tonight my fortune cookie said: "If you want something you must work for it." Well, I'm working for it so I know it will come....right??