Suck it Up!

So, I must apologize for not updating sooner. School has started and I just have found myself much busier than normal...that's a lie.

The truth is, I have purposely stayed away from the blog to avoid admitting, yet again, that my body, mind and faith have failed me. I guess it just reminds me that I am still...infertile.

So, "suck it up" I have said to myself. I am carrying on. There is good news to report though...I have managed by some miracle to stick to my diet (the one that is supposed to increase my fertility and not jack up my ovaries, but we are not counting the 2 days following the infamous phone call of doom...there was a lot of carrot cake involved and we are just going to overlook those...right???) anyway...I am at my lowest weight in 10 years!!!! Yay, Me!!! My goal is to use this opportunity (the not being pregnant one) to lose more weight, so that when I do get pregnant I can get fat, but be less fat than I would have been had I not lost more weight...make sense?? Well, it does to me, sort of.

As part of campaign "SUCK IT UP and move on with my life" I have decided to make a list of positive things that have resulted from my negative results...make sense??? Also, since I am going to take a short break from medical assisted fertility, these are things I can look forward to.

• no more getting up at 5:30 am for doctor's appointments...instead I will be getting up at 6:30 am to face 21 second graders (there are days I'd rather see the doctor)
  
• less visitors up in my "lady business" (aka Gloria) for awhile...that ultrasound wand was just getting a little too comfortable in there
• I can keep my pants on
  
• no more shots!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• less hormones raging within my being
  
• maybe now the metamorphosis into Mega-Bitch will be a little less frequent (hence, the less hormones) Disclaimer: NO PROMISES HERE!!!!
  
• no more sweat attacks!!! perhaps sweat will now only appear from places in which it is meant to, and only after a vigorous workout (which is likely to happen...never)
• wine, wine glorious wine!!! We have been apart for too long my friend.
• random sex!!! no more calendars or alarm clocks to tell me when I have to "do it"
• no more binge eating and tremendous guilt afterward...wait, scratch that...this probably will never go away
• no morning sickness (although, secretly...I'd puke my guts out every single day if that is what it takes to get me a baby!!!)
• no weight gain (but again, I'd gain a million pounds if that is what it took)
• ok...wait...this list is starting to make me sad....

The point is, I am trying to be positive and look at the bright side...but the truth is, I'd give just about anything to be pregnant. I am going to "suck it up" but I am not going to give up! I still have faith...renewed faith even. I believe that this is going to happen for me. Until it does, I will continue to find the positive things to get me through it!


I guess the best thing about not being pregnant this month is that...we can just keep trying!!!!

I've been a bad blogger! I should have updated you before now, but I have felt kind of...suckish (a word I learned from my 6 year old - he learned it from iCarly)...and not suckish in a good way.

I went to the doctor on Tuesday for my blood work. I felt good, I felt confident, I felt hopeful. My appointment was at 8:30, but I didn't get the results until around 5:00 pm, so all day my stomach was in knots. I couldn't eat (but I made up for it). I couldn't sit still. Luckily, I had an entire classroom to put together to keep my mind of it (but it didn't). At 5:00 my phone rang and I new instantly who it was (not because I was getting a vibe or anything...just the whole caller i.d. thing). I answered it. As soon as the nurse said "Hi, Angela" I knew the outcome. I could tell. She had an "I feel sorry for you" overtone in her voice. She told me the results were negative... and that was that. I had to answer her questions with one word responses in an effort not to cry right there in the phone. As soon as we hung up... it was over. I was a mess. My husband tried to comfort me, but there was really no use. I felt as if I had just lost another baby. I guess I had created this baby in my mind. I was trying so hard to believe that I was pregnant. I was angry. I was sad. I was hurt. I was disappointed. I was pissed.

I think I am over it now. Sort of. At least I am over being angry. I know there is no reason to mad. Who am I going to get mad at?

The funny thing is, I imagined how the phone call would go all day. And for some reason it was so much easier to imagine the scenario that I didn't want to happen rather than the one I so desperately wanted. Why? I am guessing that I am just so use to hearing "no" or "negative results" or seeing damn single lines for so long that I forgot how to imagine the opposite. Everytime I would imagine the nurse calling me and saying "you're pregnant," something in the back of my mind kept telling me that wasn't going to happen. But, I tried so hard to get past it. I wanted to believe that this could happen for me. Did I not believe enough? Did I not have enough faith?

So where does this leave us??? Well, I think I am going to take a break from the medical assisted reproduction for a while. I am going to go another route for a few months...a holistic route. (This could get interesting) The holistic route is also know as the free and desperate route. I'll keep you updated.

I have not given up! I will not give up! I know that it is going to happen!

P.S. Later that night, after I got the results, my husband had to run up to the store. He, as he always does, asked me if I needed anything. My reply???? "Carrot Cake!" And this time, I absolutely meant it!

Seriously????

I love being a mother. I love everything about it. Don't get me wrong, there are times when I get stressed, tired and worn out...but I still love it. So it confuses me that I have not been blessed with an abundance of children. I use to dream about having tons of kids. My mom has 8 siblings, and that has always been cool to me. I loved having lots of Aunts, Uncles and cousins. For a long time there was always a baby around, and I loved that. Actually, I guess there still is always a baby around but it is the cousins having babies now...except me.

This particular phenomenon (the whole everyone is having babies but me thing) has really started to bother me recently. Being a teacher, I have met tons of parents who really have no business being so. It angers me when I hear of some crack whore having yet another baby, when I am sitting here, a good person, a good mother...babyless.

A few summers ago my guilty pleasure was watching that show Girls Next Door (the one about Hugh Heffners girlfriends). I loved it. I don't know why, but I thought those girls were hilarious, well all except for one...Kendra. I couldn't stand her. She reminded me of some trashy high school drop out kind of girl. She was so raunchy and had absolutely no class whatsoever. Imagine my surprise when I hear a few weeks ago that she is pregnant!!!! I was furious!! My thoughts: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? SERIOUSLY? SHE IS A BETTER CHOICE THAN ME? Talk about lowering your standards.

Now, I know that God did not choose her over me, but at times it seems that way. I keep thinking what am I doing or not doing that is keeping me from having a baby? Maybe, it is the fact that I cuss every now and then, or that I enjoy a glass of wine from time to time, or that I have been known to "accidentally" forget to set the alarm clock on Sunday mornings and then oversleep...and miss church (but, only when I am so terribly tired), or that even though I am an educated person I use commas in this blog like there crack and I'm an addict who just needs a fix every few words or so, or maybe it's that I don't force the kid I already have to eat vegetables, or the fact that on his first dentist appointment he had two (teeny-tiny) cavities, or the fact that I didn't take him to the dentist until he was six (I know...mother of the year here I come), or maybe that I have been living at a new address for two years and still have not changed my address on my driver's license.

I don't know what the reason is. I could make that list go on forever about all my imperfections and faults. But, no matter how long my list is I'm willing to bet that it wouldn't be as long as Kendra's.

I know that now matter how imperfect I may be, I will love my children and raise them to be polite, respectful, humble people. I know that I am a good mother, maybe not every one's definition of good, but good nonetheless.

And I know that it sounds like I don't have faith sometimes, but really I do. There is not a part of me that doubts the fact that God will bless my family once again. I know this will happen. It is the fact that I don't know when that makes it hard.

Fertility Update

• Trying to conceive since 2006
• September 2008 - had AF for 40 days with severe cramping and lots of problems knew something was very wrong
• November 2008 - diagnosed with PCOS, endometriosis (sp?), and fibroids, had surgery to correct as much as they can
• December 2008 - tried natural with at home fertility monitor / negative results
  
• January 2009 - began fertility meds: Metformin daily to control insulin (insulin is a major factor in PCOS), Chlomid to induce ovulation
• February 2009 - Negative Pregnancy test
• March 2009 - still Metformin, Letrozole to induce ovulation, HCG shots to trigger egg release
• April 2009 - negative pregnancy test
• May 2009 - repeat of March
• June 2009 - negative preg test
• July 2009 - still metformin, Letrozole, FSH shots to stimulate egg growth, HCG shots to trigger, progesterone to ...I don't really know what that is supposed to do
• currently I feel moody and bloated, I have a lot of pain in my lower abdominal area, my insides feel about 4 times their size...here's hoping these are good signs!!
• August 2009 - ?????????????????

Current fertility expenses: approx $5,000 my insurance doesn't cover any of it

And I would do it all over again in a heartbeat...especially a little tiny baby heartbeat!

I hate those Umpa-Lumpas!

If you haven't figured it out by now, let me tell you that the side effects of fertility meds are loads of fun! It is like your own private roller coaster...literally. Let me paint you a picture:

I wake up. I make coffee. It tastes like crap, no wait it's good, no wait...I can't decide. I watch the Today Show (the hour with Kathie Lee and Hoda) and am in tears in a matter of minutes (probably crying over something so not tear worthy like the ambush makeover or Girls Night In segments). I pull myself together. I am hungry, but everything in my kitchen makes me want to vomit. The only thing that looks good are the Salt & Vinegar chips that belong to my husband and I am not supposed to eat anyway. But I do. Then i cry again because I feel guilty about cheating on my fertility increasing diet. I Pull myself together. I decide to work out. The Wii fit tells me that I have gained 2 pounds and makes my Mii character look like an umpa-lumpa. I cry again. And again. I pull myself together. I say screw the work out, I am a giant fat umpa-lumpa who cares anyway. I am hungry. I eat a salad. YUM! Not, really. In the midst of trying to enjoy my salad I begin to sweat uncontrollably, for no reason at all. My husband comes in and sees me sweating like a sumo wrestler. I run into the bathroom. Crying. Because I feel like a sweaty, fat, sumo wrestling, umpa-lumpa...and I hate those damn umpa lumpas.

An Emotional Rant

Before I get started with my rant of the day, let me just say that I am so grateful for my family. They are so supportive of what I am going through, and even though it sounds like all I do is complain, I know that one day this will all be worth it.

On with the rant...

I find myself at this very moment sitting in my house alone. My husband took our son to the movies to give me a little "time to relax"...that is actually code for: we are getting the hell outta here because your craziness is scaring the bejesus out of us. And it is true. I have turned into a crazy, emotional, nut case version of myself. I am blissfully happy one minute then crying my eyes out the next. For example, yesterday I found myself crying over an episode of Hannah Montana (ok...there is no excuse for me watching that show in the first place, but I was). I can't even remember what made me cry. I think it was when Jackson (Hannah's brother) replaced Hannah's favorite teddy bear that he ruined accidentally. Yep, that was it. Because of course, that made me think that my poor child does not have a sibling to replace his favorite teddy bear if it were to get ruined...accidentally. And the sobbing began. Then this morning I saw on the news a story about these four siblings who are in foster care and want to be adopted, and the flood gates opened. This time, I was crying out of guilt, because I felt somewhat selfish.

Am I being selfish by doing all of this fertility crap when there are tons of children out there needing a home?

Is it selfish that deep down I want my baby to come from my own womb?

Is it selfish that I am even doing fertility when I have a child of my very own?

And what about the fact that there are many women out there who are going through much worse circumstances than I am, does it make me selfish to even take the time to blog (complain) about what I am going through?

O.k...whew...simmer down now! See what I mean, my emotions are a mess. Once I get started I can't stop.

I have to believe that I am not being selfish, I am just being a woman who wants to be a mother again. And I have to believe that one way or another I will accomplish just that. Whether it be medically assisted, adoption, or maybe even a miracle, I believe that I will have another child.

I will find out if I am pregnant in one week from tomorrow. I am really not sure how I feel about it. I mean I am going on 4 years of negative results, after that it is hard to think positively.
But, I will!
I am!
In my prayers I no longer ask God for a baby, now I thank him for the baby that he is going to send me. I refuse to let 4 years of "no" ruin my optimism!
Part of me doesn't even want to know, just let me go on with my life in wonder. Ignorance is bliss, right? I mean I could end up on that show "I didn't know I was pregnant." At least that way I could maybe afford all of my medical bills!

You want me to put that where?

Total honesty! TMI Alert!!!

Over this last year my Va-Jay-Jay (whom I will from now on refer to as Gloria) has had more traffic than grand central. But, it is not what you think...our most frequent visitor is that fabulous little (well not really so little) ultrasound wand. In fact, when I do have a baby I will not be a bit surprised if it comes out looking like a tiny ultrasound machine, screen and all! So let's just say that modesty left me along time ago (and I used to be a very modest person). Gloria has more company than she knows what to do with. With that being said you would think that I would not freak the heck out when I read "insert 1 capsule twice daily" on my latest prescription bottle. But I did! When I first read it, I thought well that's a weird way to word it, what do i insert it into my throat or something? Oh, but I don't! Luckily, I was bored one day and actually read the prescription information leaflet and it explained just exactly where I needed to insert the capsule. (thank God I read it, what would have happened if I would have swallowed the damn thing) Holy shizzle! You want me to put that where? You have got to be kidding me!

I decided that I was so not cool with this (and neither was Gloria). I took my case to the doctor...and this is how it went down:

Me: yeah, so about these capsules ...umm how am I supposed to do this?

Her: it sounds weird, but it is much better to do it this way, just insert 1 into your "Gloria" twice a day.

Me: umm, no but for real...I can't do that

Her: yes you can.

Me: ummm...

Her: YOU CAN! But, if you don't feel comfortable you can use an applicator, or just have him do it.

Me: Say What?????????

and so let's just say Gloria and I have gotten very familiar with each other. There was no way in Hell I was going to let him do it. I didn't even want him to know that I had to do it.

I guess you could say that I'm taking this one for the team! It is amazing what mothers will do for their children, even the children who don't even exist yet. But, it sure would be nice if this kid turns out to be a rich doctor or a mega millionaire of some sort...then I could sue him for pain and suffering! (Calm your panties...it was a joke!!!)

Much Love yall,

The Infertile Goddess & Gloria

The Secrets...

You know you are dealing with infertility if:

• You spend half a month's salary on pregnancy tests
• and the other half on twizzlers and cheetos when they all turn out negative (oh, wait maybe that is just me)
• you have ever ran to your closet after "you know what" to hide and stand on your head (seriously, we do this)
• every time you walk into a doctor's office you instinctively take off your pants (which ordinarily would not be a problem until you realize that you are at the pediatrician's office for your child's back to school physical)
• you have had to restrain yourself from just beating the crap out of people who say "I think it's time to try for another one" or "do they know what is wrong with you yet"
• you spend hours in the baby section at Wal-Mart "just looking" and then get pissed off when someone comes and actually has to buy something...for their REAL baby
• you have been know to talk to your uterus (come on girl, you can do it!)
• You become infuriated when you see mothers who have no business being mothers
• and you have maybe even considered (even if just for a millisecond) just taking one of those precious babies from one of those bad mothers and running far-far way
• You hate Angelina Jolie, because apparently she can grow babies in her back yard
• you have a pillow for your butt (it is a gravity thing)
• you have ever set your alarm clock for sex
• you are no longer afraid of needles

and lastly...

• you know you are dealing with infertility when you hear a baby cry and your eyes well up with tears or when hearing the joyous news of someones new pregnancy makes you secretly sick to your stomach or when you no longer feel happy just to hold someone elses baby, it now makes you kind of...sad, but you do it and you put a smile on your face and you say congratulations and make a big fuss, then you go home cry your eyes out and break out the cheetos and twizzlers again.

And those are the secrets of being infertile!