Moving On...

Well, it is that time again. Time to pick up the pieces after another failed cycle and move on. Usually I do this with a carrot cake but not this time.

For the first time, I do not feel the need to punish myself with the guilt trip that usually follows my failed-fertility junkfoodpalooza. Nope, this time I want to make things better. It helps that I did not gain a single pound this go-round. (How in the world I managed that - I have no idea!) I want to keep the momentum going!! I don't feel the desire to self-sabotage as I did in the past...perhaps this goes along with that unexplainable peace thing!

I do, however, have the desire to do all of the things that are "forbidden" during a fertility cycle...I want to drink a glass of wine while taking a steaming HOT bubble bath. And then have a cup of REAL coffee - followed by a heavily caffeinated soft drink while sitting in a hot tub! Take that Preggos!! (sorry...I guess there is still a tad bit of bitterness in there somewhere:)

It is funny how you analyze EVERYTHING that you do during a fertility cycle, or when your newly pregnant for that matter. I can't tell you how many times I thought I was going to screw things up by doing normal everyday stuff. Even the day of my transfer we were late because I analyzed what I should wear to the appointment! I changed outfits three or four times...it went kind of like this:

Outfit 1 - sweats and t-shirt, I looked at myself and thought "nope too desperate" (like the embryos were going to take one look at me and head for the hills)

Outfit 2 - jeans, shirt, heels, I was seriously thinking it would work better if I looked "cute" but changed my mind when I realized that I was going to be basically naked when the real show started and this just involved too much taking off and putting back on

Outfit 3 - yoga pants and t-shirt, I realized it was the exact same outfit I wore to my last transfer (yes I remember what I was wearing one year ago - it was kind of a big deal then too)...fearing I would bring bad "ju-ju" with me I ripped those clothes off so fast I tore a hole in the shirt.

The winner:
Outfit 4 - different yoga pants, different tee - needless to say if I ever do this again I will NOT wear yoga pants to my transfer (apparently they are cursed)!!!!

One good thing about moving on is NO MORE STRESSING OUT ABOUT EVERYTHING! I guess I can take solace in the fact that for a few months at least - I can try to be (or pretend to be) normal! Depending on your definition of normal, of course!

Even though I did not get what I wanted out of this deal, I am still hopeful that I will one day. Until then, I will just keep moving on...

Unexplainable Peace

I am sitting here today in an empty house...and it is kind of peaceful! I am feeling better both physically and emotionally. I really can't explain the peace that I have right now. I am still sad - I cry every now and then. I was just cleaning my bath tub and tears just started rolling...but that was kind of happening already so at least now I have a reason for it. But overall, I am ok. My heart is at peace...real peace. The kind that can't be explained! The kind that can only come from God.

I know that we will bring another child (or children) into our home and our family. I know that I will be a mother again. I will never give up on that. God put the desire in my heart to be a "...joyful mother of children" (Psalm 113:9) and that I will be one day.

My faith is even renewed a little and I am excited about what God has in store for me. I mean if a perfect IVF cycle was not his plan then he must have something truly amazing in mind.

I know that the empty crib in my home will one day hold a baby. I do not doubt that at all. I can't explain it...I just know!

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

Good News...Bad News

The Good News:
Well, I finally peed!! And guess what?? I saw TWO LINES...yes TWO LINES! I have waited 6 years to see TWO LINES and I finally saw them!! But there is more to the story...

The Bad News:
So I took a test last night (hence the above). Then, I took another one this morning and there were still two lines but the "test" line was very faint (lighter than last night). I went in for my blood work and it came back "Marginally Positive." Meaning: "it's Positive but it ain't good." About an hour after the blood work I started bleeding and cramping (not spotting...but real bleeding). So...things are not looking so good for me right now. I do go back for another blood draw next week. So - we'll see...maybe that will be my miracle!

I am sad, but I am not angry. I am not mad. I don't understand why it happened this way, especially with a "positive" but I know that there is a reason! I still love God and I still believe that he is going to fulfill his promise!

I am thankful for the joy that I got to experience last night when I saw those two precious lines on that stick!! I didn't care that it had been freshly peed on - I wanted to kiss it right then and there! I had forgotten how wonderful it feels to think "I am going to have a baby." I got to think that last night - even if it was just for a few hours...it was wonderful.

My heart hurts when I think that 9 days ago two perfect living embryos entered my body and for some reason my body failed them. I, their mother, let them down. I was unable to protect them and sustain them. All I had to do was keep them in there and I failed. What did I do wrong?? Did I eat too much? Did I not pray enough? Did I not believe enough? Did I do too much? All of these questions plague my mind...even though I know that there really are no answers.

I will be ok. My family will be ok. I truly believe with all of my heart that it WILL happen!

My faith has certainly grown and become so strong. I enjoy spending time with God each day. I'll admit there was a time when I viewed it as a chore - but not now. Maybe, God wants me to put all of my faith in HIM and HIM alone. Maybe he wants me to allow his true miracle to take place without shots, or medicine, or a team of people all up in my business. Which, by the way, I am fine with...I just wish he'd let me know!

To Pee or not to Pee???

So I am currently 4dp5dt (in English that means 4 days past 5 day transfer). I have done pretty good trying not to obsess about it. I have kept busy and have spent some quality time with my son!

I, of course, think I am pregnant (there is not an infertile in the world who does not think she is pregnant after a treatment cycle). I feel pregnant. I have had a few signs that could absolutely point to pregnancy. They could also be the side effects of the massive amounts of hormones that I am on - but I choose to believe the pregnancy theory!

One thing is for sure - I am eating junk food like it's my job. I know I am not supposed to be doing that...It all relates back to that whole emotional eater thing I have going on. I have considered going out for a walk or a bike ride instead of stuffing my face - but really food sounds and looks so good right now!

I am currently having an internal debate regarding whether or not I should take a home pregnancy test. Last time we did IVF - I did not. I just waited for the blood test...we all know how that turned out. The thing with HPTs is that I could take it too early and it might not detect what it needs to in order to give an accurate result. Which I think is a good thing...because if it were to be negative...I really don't have to accept that as a definitive answer. But...then I again I guess that would work the same way if it were to say positive...hmmm.

Here is the thing...I believe that this is the path that God has set us on. I believe that this is what he has for me. I am not hopeful or wishful. I am faithful. I KNOW it IS going to happen...I hope it is now! I think it is now! I want it to be now!

I will admit that yesterday I went to the drug store with the sole intention of buying a HPT...when I found, to my surprise, that they had them locked up behind a glass cabinet. What??? So I went to the pharmacist to ask him to open it but chickened out when I saw that they had replaced the old man pharmacist with a super young Abercrombie model!! What the??? Isn't there like an age requirement for dealing with super important medicines and such. And people that hot shouldn't also get to be smart...totally not fair...or rather greedy on their part. Anyway - I don't know what came over me...it is not like I am shy when it comes to my fertility. I think I allowed myself to chicken out because I am still not sure if I want to pee on a stick or not!

Now that is a dilemma that I bet most (normal) people don't have! (It's just another part of The Secret Life of the Infertile!)

My Faith Challenge

Over the last few months I have really felt like I am supposed to share my story somehow. I mean more than a Blog - but in person. I feel like part of why I have been led down this path is so that I can share my Faith with others. A good friend of mine told me awhile back "You know you really need to share your testimony." Ever since then I have felt the need and desire but I just wasn't sure how to go about it.

Just a few weeks ago I was praying aloud and I specifically asked God to provide an outlet for me to share my testimony. I asked God to lead me to a group of people who need to hear about my "Faith Challenge" and allow me to share with them. I even specifically asked that God lead me to a "Ladies Group" or something small to start with. About a week after I spoke that prayer, I got a phone call from my mom. Just so happened that her Ladies Group at church was looking for a speaker at their monthly meeting and she wanted to know if I wanted to come and share my testimony with them!!! WOW! (Now, I did not tell anyone about my prayer - and I had never made my desire to share my testimony known to anyone...other than God.)

Talk about Amazing!

So last night I shared my story with a group of Ladies whom I barely knew. I honestly don't even remember all of what I said - but I do know that I never stumbled, I didn't even look at my notes. I just opened my mouth and the words came pouring out. I felt like at that very moment I was in God's perfect will.

I feel like this is just one more example of God trying to tell me that he hears me - he knows my heart's desires and he will give them to me in his time.

My Faith challenge is far from over. I battle with it every day. Even though I know what God can do, even though I believe that I WILL BE PREGNANT...the enemy still tries to fill my head with doubt. I have a feeling that these next two weeks are going to be the true test of my Faith. Even though my heart knows - I have to keep telling my head! Satan wants us to doubt. He wants us to blame chance or coincidence. He of course, does not want us to give God any credit whatsoever. But what he wants and what he gets are two different things!!!!

I have Faith because I have a promise...in writing:

"You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised." Hebrews10:36

"By Faith Abraham, even though he was past age - and Sarah herself was barren - was enabled to become a father/mother because he considered him faithful who had made the promise." Hebrews 11:11

"...because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:3-5

"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised those who love him." James 1:12

My prayer:

Lord,
I thank you for loving me enough to trust me to follow your will. I thank you for using my family to show the world your miracles. I thank you for standing by us in even the darkest of times. We are so blessed!

Today I pray for every family whose heart's desire is to fill their home with children. I pray for every empty womb, every empty crib, and every empty heart. No matter what their circumstances Lord, I pray that you will comfort them and fulfill their dreams.

Your words speaks that we should be fruitful - and I pray for all of those who desire this so. Lord, I ask you to lead us down the paths in which your will can be done. Show us and guide our steps as we endure the journey to fulfill our hearts.

Selfishly, Lord I pray for these embryos that are currently residing in my body. I pray that my body will sustain them. Keep them safe. Cradle them and allow them to grow and become full of life until it is time for them to safely enter this world. I thank you for the favor that you have already shown to my family - miracles beyond imagination! I am grateful, Lord. I am humbled. I am honored.

Amen!

A Season for Miracles

i sit here tonight just days away from my embryo transfer with a faithful heart. I am not sure if I can begin to explain all of the little miracles that I have seen take place over these last few weeks.

Two days ago I had my egg retrieval. They were able to get 19 eggs from the follicles that were growing....19 eggs!!! That is way more than last time. A few hours after the procedure my nurse called to tell me that of the 19 - 12 had fertilized! This is great news! Because of our numbers we are probably looking at a 5 day transfer. So that means in just three days from now...I will be pregnant! Amen.

This whole process has seemed a little different than last time. Well, for starters...my husband is not in the midst of a cancer battle and is totally cancer free! (Praise the Lord) Second, I just feel so faithful...not hopeful, not whimsical. I feel real, actual, confident FAITH! I don't feel like I am forcing feelings. I just feel like this is our time! Not to mention - how things have just "worked out" for us. I said this before but I have to share it again - last year we paid over $12,000 for our IVF cycle - this time it has only cost around $4,500!!! A huge miracle! A major miracle! The drug company donated ALL of my injectible medicines (usually costs about $3,000) - we did not pay a dime! God gave me that medicine. God lead us to a Christian doctor who has compassion and generosity in his heart! God has had his hand in this process.

God has been so good to my family. I honestly feel guilty for asking for more. But I believe that having another child (or children) is a promise that God gave me. I will cling to that promise. I have seen so many small signs and miracles happening around me - I feel like they are just glimpses of what God is about to do for us. I believe that God gave me this desire and I believe that God will satisfy this desire. If for some reason I am wrong and this is not my time - I will not lose faith. I will be sad, but I will still love God and my faith will not waver!

Over the last 10 years of my life Satan has tried to steal my joy and shatter my faith...here are some examples:

- two miscarriages
- financial hardships
- loss of a parent
- 4 failed fertility treatments
- husband diagnosed with cancer
- families that we loved being destroyed
- disappointed by loved ones/friends

My list is probably no longer than anyone elses when you think about it. If you were to make a list of all of the major "bad" things that have happened in your life your list may very well be longer and more devastating than mine...but our trials are not what is important...it is how we got through them.

It would have been very easy for me to get angry and blame God for all of those things - but instead I cry out and praise Him for all of the good things that he has done for me! I praise him when I win and I praise him when I lose! I am thankful that I could lean on God and my faith in Him during all of those dark times.

God has never left me - even when I have been far-far away...God was there. He has never forsaken me and I don't believe that he is going to start now. As I said before I believe that this is my time! It is after all...a season for miracles!