Paris

The countdown has begun! We are on our way...

I survived my first appointment to begin the FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) cycle...no one even mentioned a word about my weight (YAY). The appointment was quick and my uterus once again looked "perfect."

You know, for all the props my uterus gets from the doctors you'd think she'd be a little bit better at her job!!! I am starting to think I have the uterus of a snobby twenty-something (you know the kind who seem "perfect" but have never had to work a day in their life...they just get dressed up and impress people but really don't ever do anything.) Yes, I believe my uterus is a Paris (as in Hilton). Lucky me, I have a perfectly useless Paris Hilton for a uterus - grrreat!

Well, I am about to tell little miss Paris what's up! She needs to get her act together and start working it before I go all hysterectomy on her!! I mean if your not going to do your job...then who needs you...right???!!

(For the record: I have no intention of ever getting a hysterectomy. I am simply trying to scare my uterus into working. And, yes sadly (like a crazy person), I was saying those words aloud as if my uterus (or Paris) could actually hear me. If my husband ever reads this he will have the proof that he needs to prove I am in fact a crazy nut job...which he swears I am...especially when I am hopped up on hormones...like now.)

Yep, the hormones are in full swing. I have not started the massive shots yet, only the little baby ones - and I can do those in my sleep! I definitely feel a little more hormonal this time around. Maybe it is because it is my third (oh, I hate even saying it) round or maybe it's in my head...I guess either way I'm crazy so it doesn't really matter.

As I mentioned above this is my third IVF, but we already have the embryos so really it is an FET, the hardest part is already done. Well, that's not true. Any infertile will tell you that the hardest part is the WAIT after the implantation. That is definitely the hardest and longest part of it all!

This is actually our sixth assisted fertility attempt. We did three rounds of natural intercourse with medicines before moving on to the hard stuff...but here we are. I have had a few friends make comments about us "trying to hard" or saying that "it must not be God's will". I know they mean well but I want to tell them - HOW THE HECK DO YOU KNOW?! I don't want to want this so badly. I wish I didn't want any more children. I wish I did not have this unfulfilled desire. I wish I could just make the pangs I feel when I see a baby go away...but I can't. I feel it deep within my soul. My heart aches for another baby. I dream about it at night. My child cries from time to time because he wants a brother or a sister. I am trying so hard because when you truly want something you go after it. Yes, I am tired. I am broken. But - my heart still believes that my baby is coming. I can't give up. Not yet.

The truth is: I don't know why I am on this path. I do know that God has a history of being faithful to those who seek him. I believe that this desire is Godly. I believe that he will grant us what we have asked...some day...soon...I hope!

I wish I could say the same for Paris!

The "B" is Back!

Well, we are doing it.

We are going all in (literally) and preparing for our Frozen Embryo Transfer. Yes, in a few weeks we will wake our sweet embies from their frozen slumber and pray like the dickens that they are ready to come home with us.

I am already sick just thinking about it.

I guess it is all of the disappointments that we have faced through out this process, because if I'm being honest - I don't feel all giddy and hopeful as I have before. Maybe I'm just in a slump right now...but I am dreading this whole process.

To begin with I have seriously gained like 9 ponds (HOW DID I DO THAT???) and that alone has left me feeling down and all out crappy. I know that my best chances are when I am eating right and at a good healthy weight yet I allowed myself to pig out on JUNK (and wine if we're being completely honest) and gain almost all that I have lost over the last year. (If you have learned anything about me so far - it should be that I obsess about two things...babies and weight...and I am only good at creating one of them!) I am so not looking forward to that first appointment which will include stepping on the scale.

Then there is this MASSIVE needle that I have to inject into my RUMP...I've heard it hurts like crazy! They say this process is supposed to be less invasive, but that biga$$ needle looks pretty invasive to me!

I haven't even started the hormones yet and I already feel like a crazy person. I don't know why- I just do not feel like myself. I do not want to go through this again...but I'm 34 and the clock is ticking. I am not ready to accept that I will forever have only one child so I am trying to suck it up and go for it. But- what if it ends up like all the others did...then what?

I'm not ready for that. I am not ready to get my heart broken again. I'm not ready to face the grim reality that could be lurking around the corner! I hate this and I hate that I have to go through this over and over again when there are horrible people out there who can procreate like it's their job...AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I hope I can snap out of this funk before the cycle actually begins...they say that attitude has a lot to do with the outcome, although I was pretty upbeat all of the other times and we know how that worked out...so maybe going Full-on-bitch-mode just might do the trick!

(I still believe...I'm just in a bad mood today...sorry! Just be glad you don't live with me!)

I'm Back...and Still Holding On!

Well...I tried letting go.

I have really tried these last few months to just not even think about the whole fertility thing. I stopped taking meds, timing "it", and even avoided the Blog (although, that was mostly because I'm a lazy a$$). Guess what it got me...NOT pregnant!

For for all those people who say "It will happen when you stop trying." Guess what...You're WRONG!

I still thought I was pregnant every month. Seriously, I have thought I was pregnant almost every month for the last 7 years. (and I was once :( That's the thing about infertiles...we always think we're pregnant. We take every sign and twinge and turn it into a symptom...and hope. Sadly, we're wrong...a lot.

I have been really battling with my faith lately. Not my faith in God but my belief that I will have a baby. I have been questioning myself. Even though I feel it in my soul, I know it in my mind and I believe it with all of my heart. I have still be asking myself...what if I'm wrong. What if God only wants me to have one child?? What if I'm done??

It is hard for me to think about those questions. I don't want them to be true. I don't want my wants to not be a part of God's plan. I know God's plan for me is good, but will I ever stop wanting another child??? If this is not his plan...is he ever going to let me in on it??

If this is not his plan, will I just know? Will I feel it? Will I stop wanting it to happen?

I don't know. I don't have any of those answers and I hate that!!

Well, without knowing...I guess all I really have is hope and faith. That is all any of us have really. I guess as long as I have this desire in my heart I will cling to His word that tells me that he will give us the desires of our hearts, even though I know that that is not always the case as I have seen this week. I don't always understand why things happen the way they do. I don't understand why I have been praying and believing for 7 years only to still have an empty crib in my house. I don't understand why it is so easy for some people and it just seems like no matter how hard we try or how close we get we just can't seem to make it happen. I don't understand it!!!! But, I know that God does have a plan and that plan is a good one. I just wish I knew what the heck it was!

I will continue to hope for another child. I will pray daily for God to bless our family and I will not lose faith in what I believe.

I do know that God hears us.

Letting Go...

Last night I had an epiphany...I realized that I have been going about this all wrong. I have been going to God seeking a baby, but God wants me to go to Him to seek Him...the baby will be a bonus. I have said similar words before - but I really understand them now.

I realize now that God's plan for me is a good one. No matter what the outcome or paths that he may lead me down, I know that ultimately I will be happy. God loves me, he wants only good things for me. I have to let go of my plan. I have to let go of my timeline and just wait...upon the Lord.

I do believe that I will have another child. I believe that a baby is part of God's plan for me, but I need to stop trying to force God's hand. I need to just sit back and watch God work and await his blessings. Even if God does not bring me a baby, I know that if I am in his will I will be happy. (Please understand that even thinking these words is very hard for me - but I know that if I truly trust in God as I say I do then I will be ok!)

I have decided that I am letting go. I am NOT letting go of my dreams, I am just letting go of MY plans. I am letting God have my fertility and I am going to let God take the lead...for once.

I am reading a book called Hannah's Hope, I highly recommend it as it has helped me reach this place. At one point the author asks: Are you seeking a baby more than you are seeking God? Are you seeking God because you want a baby or because you want God? - that is when it hit me!

God knows I want another child. I don't have to keep asking him EVERYDAY!! I know how annoying it can be when my students ask me the same questions over and over and over again...I can only image that that is how God feels about me right now. He probably wants to shout: "I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME!!!"

One of the very first verses I ever learned sums it all up:
"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you..."
Matt 6:33

Such a simple verse but it tells us if we just seek God everything else will be taken care of. In the past I was seeking a baby and hoping for God...now I will seek God and hope for a baby!

I still believe. I still hope. But, I am letting go and letting God. (please remind me of this in a few days!!)

Roller Coaster

This last week has been a Roller Coaster - and not in a good way!

I went to see my doctor on Tuesday to discuss the details of our cycle...here is the low down:

Our embryos were even more perfect than the last time. My husbands "stuff" was even more healthy than the last time. My uterus was even more beautiful than the last time. Everything was even more wonderful than last time and I did get pregnant...I was pregnant for exactly 9 days. But end result...now I am not.

To make things even more crazy when I had my third HCG test (pregnancy test) it was at 36 (anything above 5 is considered positive). It was 8.8 the first time, 8.1 the second, and 36 the third - What the Hey-Hey??? No one seemed to know why the numbers were going up. Even with a 36 it is still considered low for "how far along" I was supposed to be. Today my HCG was back down to 12. Which confirms what I already knew and had accepted a week ago - another miscarriage. Part of me was thinking "maybe it is my miracle" when my number came back at 36 - but the other part of me knew better. Don't get me wrong I believe that God is still doing miracles...and I believe that I will get one - soon! But - it was hard for my mind to wrap around the "36" considering all of the physical things that my body has gone through over the last two weeks. (Remember - this isn't my first rodeo...I could write a book on pregnancy loss - that book would really suck by the way)

In a way I am relieved that I am not pregnant (probably because of the amount of wine that I consumed last weekend), the door is now open for us to just relax and allow God to work (yeah - I'm going to lay off of the wine...I just needed one weekend of not caring...don't judge me!!). We can actually have sex now just because we want to - not because we have to (although no matter the circumstances...I don't think anyone was complaining). I would have loved to have been pregnant during Christmas but at least now I can partake in the seasons festivities and not have to worry about being sick or tired...I can just enjoy! (Please know I'd puke my guts out on Christmas morning if it meant that I could give my husband another child and my son a sibling...I am just trying to find the bright side so just go with it!)

I still have a lot to be excited about, my husband is cancer free and not sick from radiation or chemo. My son still believes in the magic of Christmas and at least humors all of my Christmas traditions. I am blessed. I am have everything that most people want in a life time and I know that one day I will have another ornament on my tree that says "Baby's First Christmas!" I don't know when I will hang it, but I know that I will...one day!

I am excited about the future...I am excited about the miracles that are still to come! I know mine is out there somewhere.

"To him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine according to his power that is at work within us." Eph. 3:20-21

Moving On...

Well, it is that time again. Time to pick up the pieces after another failed cycle and move on. Usually I do this with a carrot cake but not this time.

For the first time, I do not feel the need to punish myself with the guilt trip that usually follows my failed-fertility junkfoodpalooza. Nope, this time I want to make things better. It helps that I did not gain a single pound this go-round. (How in the world I managed that - I have no idea!) I want to keep the momentum going!! I don't feel the desire to self-sabotage as I did in the past...perhaps this goes along with that unexplainable peace thing!

I do, however, have the desire to do all of the things that are "forbidden" during a fertility cycle...I want to drink a glass of wine while taking a steaming HOT bubble bath. And then have a cup of REAL coffee - followed by a heavily caffeinated soft drink while sitting in a hot tub! Take that Preggos!! (sorry...I guess there is still a tad bit of bitterness in there somewhere:)

It is funny how you analyze EVERYTHING that you do during a fertility cycle, or when your newly pregnant for that matter. I can't tell you how many times I thought I was going to screw things up by doing normal everyday stuff. Even the day of my transfer we were late because I analyzed what I should wear to the appointment! I changed outfits three or four times...it went kind of like this:

Outfit 1 - sweats and t-shirt, I looked at myself and thought "nope too desperate" (like the embryos were going to take one look at me and head for the hills)

Outfit 2 - jeans, shirt, heels, I was seriously thinking it would work better if I looked "cute" but changed my mind when I realized that I was going to be basically naked when the real show started and this just involved too much taking off and putting back on

Outfit 3 - yoga pants and t-shirt, I realized it was the exact same outfit I wore to my last transfer (yes I remember what I was wearing one year ago - it was kind of a big deal then too)...fearing I would bring bad "ju-ju" with me I ripped those clothes off so fast I tore a hole in the shirt.

The winner:
Outfit 4 - different yoga pants, different tee - needless to say if I ever do this again I will NOT wear yoga pants to my transfer (apparently they are cursed)!!!!

One good thing about moving on is NO MORE STRESSING OUT ABOUT EVERYTHING! I guess I can take solace in the fact that for a few months at least - I can try to be (or pretend to be) normal! Depending on your definition of normal, of course!

Even though I did not get what I wanted out of this deal, I am still hopeful that I will one day. Until then, I will just keep moving on...

Unexplainable Peace

I am sitting here today in an empty house...and it is kind of peaceful! I am feeling better both physically and emotionally. I really can't explain the peace that I have right now. I am still sad - I cry every now and then. I was just cleaning my bath tub and tears just started rolling...but that was kind of happening already so at least now I have a reason for it. But overall, I am ok. My heart is at peace...real peace. The kind that can't be explained! The kind that can only come from God.

I know that we will bring another child (or children) into our home and our family. I know that I will be a mother again. I will never give up on that. God put the desire in my heart to be a "...joyful mother of children" (Psalm 113:9) and that I will be one day.

My faith is even renewed a little and I am excited about what God has in store for me. I mean if a perfect IVF cycle was not his plan then he must have something truly amazing in mind.

I know that the empty crib in my home will one day hold a baby. I do not doubt that at all. I can't explain it...I just know!

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7