Pregnancy Guilt

If you have read my past posts you may remember one where I was going to chemo with my husband and griping about all of the pregnant girls that were happily on their way to the OB office next door...well this post is for them...kind of.

So, I'm pregnant now. I really and truly have no reason to gripe or complain anymore. I am getting what I wanted and what I have been praying for years. So, why do I still feel sad sometimes? I know why...

Once you have been an infertile your view on pregnancy changes. You have seen the other side and there is no forgetting what the other side looks like. The minute you see those two pink lines you want to rejoice and shout it from the rooftops - and you probably will...but not without a little guilt. You remember the times when your friends have announced their pregnancies and although you were happy for them you may have cried when no one was looking or at least wanted to. You remember asking God "why her and not me" time and time again.

Once you have been an infertile, you have made infertile friends. I don't know how but we find each other. When you become pregnant after being an infertile you feel like you are leaving your infertile friends behind. Or perhaps, even betraying them. I can remember as my infertile friends started getting pregnant or adopting I felt like shouting "whatever happened to No Man Left Behind???"

I remember when I was at a low point during my husband's cancer treatment and I wanted to hate those pregnant girls. I was so mad at these strangers for having something that I wanted to badly. And I realize that I am now one of those pregnant girls. I am the one that someone wants to hate and be mad at. So, I am sorry pregnant girls that I didn't even know. I was really never mad at you and I certainly never hated you...I just wanted your babies. (Well, that didn't really come out right...but you know what I mean...I hope.)

Those who have been blessed with not having to face infertility don't really get how lonely and sad it can be. Pregnancy is just something that happens. But not for us.

I want to show off my belly and tell everyone I see (yes, even strangers on the street) and I might (well not the part about the strangers). But, every now and then I remind myself that someone out there might be where I was just months ago. Someone might look at my pregnant belly and tell me how happy they are and then hide in their car and cry for an hour. I try to remind myself that even when I don't mean for it to, my good news can be heartbreaking for some.

It isn't fair, really. But it is part of The Secret Life of the Infertile. Pregnancies come with beautiful bouncing babies and a side of guilt.

To all of my infertile friends I can only say this...Don't give up!!! If you want it there is a way to make it happen! I have no idea how we were able to afford IVF (3 times) but we were. God provided when we asked him to. Please don't give up on your dream of being a mother!!! It is a dream worth chasing!

Playing the Numbers

There are moments when I almost forget that I am pregnant. Sometimes it just doesn't seem real.

But I know it is.

I think about how long I have wanted this and sometimes I can't believe that it finally happened. It may not have happened the way I had originally planned, but it happened nonetheless. And for that I thank God every day!

When I think back to when I started this blog I realize that so much has happened over these last few years. I never thought I'd go through 6 fertility treatments and never would  have thought that 3 of them would be IVF. I certainly never thought that my very healthy husband would ever be diagnosed with cancer either. Wow has it been a ride!

We have been through a lot, but it has brought us to this place...a very good and happy place. Even before the pregnancy I could list a lot of good things that had come from all of those bad situations. This baby is just the blessing within the blessings!

I recently went to my specialty OB. I will see a regular OB, but will see a specialist throughout the pregnancy as well. During the visit I had to sit with a nurse and go through all of my medical history. I knew it would come up eventually but I really wasn't prepared for it. What you ask??? Well, this question...

So, how many pregnancies have you had?

I sat there frozen for a few seconds (there may have even been crickets chirping) because I really wasn't sure what to say. Actually, that's a lie. I knew what to say...I just didn't want to say it.

Five.

That's how many times I have been pregnant now. Five. I don't know many people who have been pregnant five times. And most of the ones I do know have that many kids.

This whole "five" thing would be part of the reason why I will see a specialist.

Even though 3 of my pregnancies did not work out - I am grateful for all of them. I produced a life and even though that life was short lived it was still here and it belonged to me.

In the beginning I thought I would be a nervous wreck throughout this pregnancy, but I really haven't been. I have said this before but I have just had a peace the whole time. Even from the beginning of the IVF cycle I just knew that this time everything was going to be ok!

During my doctor visit we got to see Snow Pea through a 4D ultrasound. That was ahhhhmazing! I could not believe it but even at 13 weeks it looked like a real baby. The baby was perfect and healthy. There were no markers for Downs or Trisomy - not bad for my 33 year old eggs!!! Oh, this brings me to another weird part of the medical history interview...

So, I'm 34 years old. I have been 34 since my last birthday in March (just clarifying). At one point the nurse asked me how old I was and I told her, she then asked me how old my eggs were at the time of the IVF. Duhhh, 34 I said (again). I thought this was really a dumb question...but then I remembered. This egg was on the lay-away plan. This guy was fertilized and frozen back in November...so really my eggs were a year younger than me. They were in fact 33. Science can be really confusing.

I will go to my regular OB doctor on Tuesday...since it is 12:17 am that's tomorrow. Then I suppose it will just be monthly visits...like regular folks.

I'm happy to finally be a regular folk!

The Bump List

I know, I know...I am so bad about updating! There really is no excuse, except for the fact that I am lazy. I have literally done almost nothing in the last 4 weeks, well nothing except gain 5 pounds!!!

So here is an update...

Snow Pea is doing well! We have had a total of 5 ultrasounds and they all have been great! Today was my last appointment with my IVF doctor. I will start seeing a regular OB from this point on...wowzers!! (I can't believe we are at this point!!!)

Yes, I am calling the baby Snow Pea because it feels weird to say "it" or even "he or she." I decided on the nickname Snow Pea, because I think they are cute...and since this baby spent a little time in the snow (and by snow I mean freezer) I felt it was appropriate. So Snow Pea it is.

As I mentioned in my opening...I have already gained 5 pounds. I guess that isn't too bad, but it is more than I had gained with my first pregnancy at this point, so I am a little concerned about it.

You know how I am slightly obsessed with food...and weight...and losing weight...well, my food obsession has taken on a whole new reality right now. I guess after being on a low carb diet for so long I just want to go carb crazy every chance I get. (Hence the 5 lbs!) In fact, I have gone so crazy about food that I have actually created a list of all the foods that would normally be off limits for me, but I want to eat during my pregnancy. Yes, some people have a "Bucket List" of things they want to do before the die...I have a "Bump List" of things I want to eat while I am pregnant. That is how crazy I am!!!

Until now this list has been in my head, but I am going to go full-on committed and reveal that list here (also...in case I forget to consume an item I will have a record of it).

The Bump List 

Things I want to eat while I am pregnant because I have been deprived over the last few years and when you're pregnant you can eat carbs/junk and blame it on a insatiable craving or something and most people won't judge you...most people.

1. An original chicken sandwich from Burger King!!
2. Spaghetti with real pasta
3. Lasagna made with real noodles, not egg plant like I make in my low-carb life
4. Pasta salad
5. Baked ziti
6. Stuffed Shells
7. Ravioli (are we sensing a pasta theme here?? The Italian in me is salivating!!)
8. Bread sticks from Olive garden
9. Garlic & Cheese biscuits from Red Lobster
10. A real sandwich on real bread (not a wrap, not a low carb thin...bread...just bread)
11. A milk shake...a really really good milk shake
12. Pizza!!! Real pizza!
13. A burger...on a bun!
14. Chocolate peanut butter ice cream from Kilwins (the only kind of ice cream I like)
15. Tacos in shells, not lettuce leaves
16. Chips and Salsa (lots of chips and salsa)
17. Mashed potatoes!!!! (not mashed cauliflower trying to pass itself off as this most delicious carb)
18. Five Guys french fries...and Curly fries from Arby's!
19. Pancakes with syrup
20. Waffles!!!!!!!
21. A bloomin' onion thingy from Outback

Ok - I am going to stop now. I realize that this is not a very good goal to have during pregnancy and truth-be-told...I probably won't really eat all of this junk (probably) but I'd like to keep my options open...for now. I only have 6 more months of carb-life then it is back to the very carb-lacking real world for me!