In Sickness and in Health

Well, it looks as if cancer has made its way to my home. My husband got a preliminary diagnoses of Hodgkin's Lymphoma.

The good news: It is a CURABLE caner!!!

The bad news: It's still cancer.

After seeing 2 more doctors, they have determined that he has Stage 2 Hodgkin's Lymphoma. It is not an official diagnosis because he has to have yet another biopsy. However, the PET scan did show positive for cancer and all other tests point to Hodgkin's. At this point I want it to be Hodgkin's so we can get this show on the road, and of course because it is the "good cancer" (oxymoron much?).

We were told by our (and yes I refer to this with us, we, and our because it seems like it is happening to both of us...and of course because of my innate need to make everything about me) Medical Oncologist that the treatment for this disease can lead to infertility....seriously??? So we are now looking into Chryo-preservation (which is a fancy way to say we are going to have his junk frozen). Our current fertility doctor offers this service - lucky us!

I am wondering if we can just throw it in a ziploc bag, pop it in the freezer, and call it a day. It would be way cheaper and so much easier!

I know I mentioned this before - but someone up there is working really hard to keep us from reproducing. Maybe it is the lethal gene pool combination. I am Italian and he's Irish, we have already unleashed one son upon this earth...perhaps they couldn't handle another.

Anyway...
I am not scared of the cancer part - I am scared of the treatment part. I just don't know how much (or maybe how little) it will change our lives. I am scared of what I don't know. But what I do know is this: WE WILL MAKE IT THROUGH THIS WHOLE DEAL!! and WE WILL HAVE ANOTHER CHILD! Someday - someway...it WILL happen!


So...
At first I kept asking why is this happening to us, and then my husband kind of set me straight - he explained that knowing WHY would not change the fact that it IS still happening. We just have to deal with it. And so we are. One day at a time.

Waiting

Well, I thought being an infertile sucked...apparently there are worse things.

In exactly 6 days from today I will find out if my husband has cancer. Yes, cancer. About 2 weeks ago he went in for a scan of his neck (there was a lump), he was in surgery a week later. We are waiting for the results of the biopsy. We have already had 2 doctors tell us what we didn't want to hear. Now we wait to see if they were right. (please let them be wrong)

I seriously thought that being infertile was my cross to bare, and compared to the alternative I am so ok with that! Being infertile is a cake walk compared to what we are facing now. (Which also leads to infertility...apparently God must think I am a terrible mother. Maybe this whole cancer thing is just to make doubly sure that we won't reproduce again).

So, how am I handling this...well, I cry...a lot! I cry because I am scared. I cry because I am sad. I cry because I am angry. I cry because I don't understand why this is happening. I am trying not to cry in front of him. I am trying to be strong. I am trying to figure out how in the heck we are going to get through this.

I know that we will make it through this. I know we will. We have to.

My husband is very much the center of our family. He takes care of everything. He makes sure i have gas in my car, the bills are paid on time, the lawn gets mowed...I can't even remember to buy milk. How am I going to "run" things if he is sick? How am I going to keep it all together like he does?
My husband is also my best friend. It breaks my heart to think that he might be sick or that he might have to go through so much to get through this. Will we still be able to sit on the porch in the evenings and drink wine and talk for hours? Will he still want to go out to dinner? Will he still want to kiss me? The thought of my marriage being threatened scares me more than anything. The thought of my life without him causes me physical pain.

So I will wait, and try not to think.