Paris

The countdown has begun! We are on our way...

I survived my first appointment to begin the FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) cycle...no one even mentioned a word about my weight (YAY). The appointment was quick and my uterus once again looked "perfect."

You know, for all the props my uterus gets from the doctors you'd think she'd be a little bit better at her job!!! I am starting to think I have the uterus of a snobby twenty-something (you know the kind who seem "perfect" but have never had to work a day in their life...they just get dressed up and impress people but really don't ever do anything.) Yes, I believe my uterus is a Paris (as in Hilton). Lucky me, I have a perfectly useless Paris Hilton for a uterus - grrreat!

Well, I am about to tell little miss Paris what's up! She needs to get her act together and start working it before I go all hysterectomy on her!! I mean if your not going to do your job...then who needs you...right???!!

(For the record: I have no intention of ever getting a hysterectomy. I am simply trying to scare my uterus into working. And, yes sadly (like a crazy person), I was saying those words aloud as if my uterus (or Paris) could actually hear me. If my husband ever reads this he will have the proof that he needs to prove I am in fact a crazy nut job...which he swears I am...especially when I am hopped up on hormones...like now.)

Yep, the hormones are in full swing. I have not started the massive shots yet, only the little baby ones - and I can do those in my sleep! I definitely feel a little more hormonal this time around. Maybe it is because it is my third (oh, I hate even saying it) round or maybe it's in my head...I guess either way I'm crazy so it doesn't really matter.

As I mentioned above this is my third IVF, but we already have the embryos so really it is an FET, the hardest part is already done. Well, that's not true. Any infertile will tell you that the hardest part is the WAIT after the implantation. That is definitely the hardest and longest part of it all!

This is actually our sixth assisted fertility attempt. We did three rounds of natural intercourse with medicines before moving on to the hard stuff...but here we are. I have had a few friends make comments about us "trying to hard" or saying that "it must not be God's will". I know they mean well but I want to tell them - HOW THE HECK DO YOU KNOW?! I don't want to want this so badly. I wish I didn't want any more children. I wish I did not have this unfulfilled desire. I wish I could just make the pangs I feel when I see a baby go away...but I can't. I feel it deep within my soul. My heart aches for another baby. I dream about it at night. My child cries from time to time because he wants a brother or a sister. I am trying so hard because when you truly want something you go after it. Yes, I am tired. I am broken. But - my heart still believes that my baby is coming. I can't give up. Not yet.

The truth is: I don't know why I am on this path. I do know that God has a history of being faithful to those who seek him. I believe that this desire is Godly. I believe that he will grant us what we have asked...some day...soon...I hope!

I wish I could say the same for Paris!

The "B" is Back!

Well, we are doing it.

We are going all in (literally) and preparing for our Frozen Embryo Transfer. Yes, in a few weeks we will wake our sweet embies from their frozen slumber and pray like the dickens that they are ready to come home with us.

I am already sick just thinking about it.

I guess it is all of the disappointments that we have faced through out this process, because if I'm being honest - I don't feel all giddy and hopeful as I have before. Maybe I'm just in a slump right now...but I am dreading this whole process.

To begin with I have seriously gained like 9 ponds (HOW DID I DO THAT???) and that alone has left me feeling down and all out crappy. I know that my best chances are when I am eating right and at a good healthy weight yet I allowed myself to pig out on JUNK (and wine if we're being completely honest) and gain almost all that I have lost over the last year. (If you have learned anything about me so far - it should be that I obsess about two things...babies and weight...and I am only good at creating one of them!) I am so not looking forward to that first appointment which will include stepping on the scale.

Then there is this MASSIVE needle that I have to inject into my RUMP...I've heard it hurts like crazy! They say this process is supposed to be less invasive, but that biga$$ needle looks pretty invasive to me!

I haven't even started the hormones yet and I already feel like a crazy person. I don't know why- I just do not feel like myself. I do not want to go through this again...but I'm 34 and the clock is ticking. I am not ready to accept that I will forever have only one child so I am trying to suck it up and go for it. But- what if it ends up like all the others did...then what?

I'm not ready for that. I am not ready to get my heart broken again. I'm not ready to face the grim reality that could be lurking around the corner! I hate this and I hate that I have to go through this over and over again when there are horrible people out there who can procreate like it's their job...AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I hope I can snap out of this funk before the cycle actually begins...they say that attitude has a lot to do with the outcome, although I was pretty upbeat all of the other times and we know how that worked out...so maybe going Full-on-bitch-mode just might do the trick!

(I still believe...I'm just in a bad mood today...sorry! Just be glad you don't live with me!)