Letting Go...

Last night I had an epiphany...I realized that I have been going about this all wrong. I have been going to God seeking a baby, but God wants me to go to Him to seek Him...the baby will be a bonus. I have said similar words before - but I really understand them now.

I realize now that God's plan for me is a good one. No matter what the outcome or paths that he may lead me down, I know that ultimately I will be happy. God loves me, he wants only good things for me. I have to let go of my plan. I have to let go of my timeline and just wait...upon the Lord.

I do believe that I will have another child. I believe that a baby is part of God's plan for me, but I need to stop trying to force God's hand. I need to just sit back and watch God work and await his blessings. Even if God does not bring me a baby, I know that if I am in his will I will be happy. (Please understand that even thinking these words is very hard for me - but I know that if I truly trust in God as I say I do then I will be ok!)

I have decided that I am letting go. I am NOT letting go of my dreams, I am just letting go of MY plans. I am letting God have my fertility and I am going to let God take the lead...for once.

I am reading a book called Hannah's Hope, I highly recommend it as it has helped me reach this place. At one point the author asks: Are you seeking a baby more than you are seeking God? Are you seeking God because you want a baby or because you want God? - that is when it hit me!

God knows I want another child. I don't have to keep asking him EVERYDAY!! I know how annoying it can be when my students ask me the same questions over and over and over again...I can only image that that is how God feels about me right now. He probably wants to shout: "I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME!!!"

One of the very first verses I ever learned sums it all up:
"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you..."
Matt 6:33

Such a simple verse but it tells us if we just seek God everything else will be taken care of. In the past I was seeking a baby and hoping for God...now I will seek God and hope for a baby!

I still believe. I still hope. But, I am letting go and letting God. (please remind me of this in a few days!!)

Roller Coaster

This last week has been a Roller Coaster - and not in a good way!

I went to see my doctor on Tuesday to discuss the details of our cycle...here is the low down:

Our embryos were even more perfect than the last time. My husbands "stuff" was even more healthy than the last time. My uterus was even more beautiful than the last time. Everything was even more wonderful than last time and I did get pregnant...I was pregnant for exactly 9 days. But end result...now I am not.

To make things even more crazy when I had my third HCG test (pregnancy test) it was at 36 (anything above 5 is considered positive). It was 8.8 the first time, 8.1 the second, and 36 the third - What the Hey-Hey??? No one seemed to know why the numbers were going up. Even with a 36 it is still considered low for "how far along" I was supposed to be. Today my HCG was back down to 12. Which confirms what I already knew and had accepted a week ago - another miscarriage. Part of me was thinking "maybe it is my miracle" when my number came back at 36 - but the other part of me knew better. Don't get me wrong I believe that God is still doing miracles...and I believe that I will get one - soon! But - it was hard for my mind to wrap around the "36" considering all of the physical things that my body has gone through over the last two weeks. (Remember - this isn't my first rodeo...I could write a book on pregnancy loss - that book would really suck by the way)

In a way I am relieved that I am not pregnant (probably because of the amount of wine that I consumed last weekend), the door is now open for us to just relax and allow God to work (yeah - I'm going to lay off of the wine...I just needed one weekend of not caring...don't judge me!!). We can actually have sex now just because we want to - not because we have to (although no matter the circumstances...I don't think anyone was complaining). I would have loved to have been pregnant during Christmas but at least now I can partake in the seasons festivities and not have to worry about being sick or tired...I can just enjoy! (Please know I'd puke my guts out on Christmas morning if it meant that I could give my husband another child and my son a sibling...I am just trying to find the bright side so just go with it!)

I still have a lot to be excited about, my husband is cancer free and not sick from radiation or chemo. My son still believes in the magic of Christmas and at least humors all of my Christmas traditions. I am blessed. I am have everything that most people want in a life time and I know that one day I will have another ornament on my tree that says "Baby's First Christmas!" I don't know when I will hang it, but I know that I will...one day!

I am excited about the future...I am excited about the miracles that are still to come! I know mine is out there somewhere.

"To him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine according to his power that is at work within us." Eph. 3:20-21