My 29 Year Love/Hate Relationship with the Big Mac

Well...let me start by telling you that I am hijacking my blog! I created this blog to vent about my infertility problems, but it seems I just have too many problems and not enough blogs! (Of course I am too lazy to just start a new blog about a new topic!)

But, really this topic does kind of bridge into my fertility issues...well, sort of...work with me on this!

This particular entry has been stirring in my head for awhile and I just need to get it out...you are the lucky ones who get to read it...

My Big Mac Story
I did not have my first Big Mac (yes, as in the McDonald's Big Mac) until I was 29 (that's right 29)! Since I can remember I have always struggled with my weight (apparently, it's one of my fertility issues...see I knew we could make it work). I grew up thinking that the Big Mac was the most fattening food known to man. I remember seeing billboards showing how many fat grams are in just one of them (I think it is like a billion) and I thought there is no way I could put all of that in my body at one time. Now, I am sure I ingested many other just as fattening things in those 29 years - but none knowingly (kind of the out-of-sight out-of-mind thing). I would hear some one order one and think "OMG - how can you do that??" I wouldn't dare eat one...especially in public.

I am not exactly what you would call fat...at least I don't feel fat. And, if you know me and would call me fat...well then...keep it to your self please! I am certainly not skinny - I am curvy to say the least. But, I am definitely not the kind of girl who needs to walk around eating Big Macs! So, for 29 years I didn't...ever...in my entire life (at the time).

The Big Mac was kind of my arch enemy...it taunted me. I wanted one many times...but I just couldn't do it. I couldn't give in to it's power. Nope...this sorta-fat girl was standing strong!

Then one night...I caved....

It was a hot summer night, a week before we were going back to school. I was in my 2nd year of teaching and had just completed my 2nd Back to School Open House. Later that night, I was home and completely exhausted when I got the phone call that would lead me to give in to the curse of the Big Mac, and change history forever (well maybe not history-history, but my history)

My father had died.

He was sick and in the hospital, so it was expected but still a very tragic situation (but, that makes for another blog). I called my sister and gave her the news. She immediately drove over to my house, bringing along the biggest bottle of wine I have ever seen (maybe not really the biggest - but this is my story so just go with it). We were not close to our father, but we had recently both made amends while he was in the hospital. I wasn't really sure how ones handles losing a parent, close or not. It was such a surreal experience. Here I was 29 years old and about to bury my father (actually, he is in my closet...his choice - he did not want to be buried). So there we sat, on my front porch the two of us drinking a bottle of wine...crying and then laughing because we really didn't know what else to do.

Eventually, my oh-so-sweet husband came out to check on us and asked if he could get us anything...when suddenly I had an idea. I said, "You know what you could get me...a Big Mac...that's what you could get me." He replied with a very concerned, "Ummm...honey, it's 2:30 in the morning." At that time my sister piped in with, "drive throughsss open 24 hours."

And so...away he went on his mission to get us Big Macs and fries at 2:30 in the morning. (Have you picked up on the emotional eater thing yet...cheetos, carrot cakes, Big Macs...yeah that's me)

I was literally giddy with excitement knowing that I was about to eat my first Big Mac. I felt that at this very pivotal point in my life I damned well deserved to have one.

After he arrived home, I unwrapped my burger like a Christmas package...I was going to savor every minute of it. So, I took my first bite and...

it sucked.

I looked at my sister and said, "What the hell...I have waited 29 years for this??"

It was greasy and goopy and soggy. (I am sure they probably don't give you the finest quality at 2:30 in the morning, but still). It was well, GROSS!

Not gross enough for me not to finish, though!!

So...I had a Big Mac and forget lovin' it I didn't even like it...and to this day that is the only Big Mac I have ever had. And you know what...I'm good with it!


I wonder what I will eat when I finally do get pregnant????

Mother of a Day!

Well it is Mother's Day...and I am so blessed to have the honor to celebrate it! I am a Mother and I should be happy with that, I am...but...you know the rest.

This Mother's Day I am thinking more about my blessings and less about what more I want from life. This Mother's Day I am particularly grateful.

Last Mother's Day, I spent the day in bed crying (I think I even blogged about it...but I don't remember and I am to lazy to go back and look through the older posts). The Friday before Mother's Day last year we got the news about my husband's cancer. It wasn't the official diagnosis, but we knew it was cancer. My husband had to go to work on Mother's Day so it was the first day that I was alone (well, without him) since we got this terrible news. As soon as he left I fell apart and pretty much stayed a wreck the entire day. It was terrible. The worst part was that my son knew I was upset but he never said a word. We hadn't told him about the cancer yet but I think he already knew but was afraid to ask me what was wrong because he knew what I was going to say. It was a Mother of a Day!

This year has been very different! My husband is working again which really sucks, but at least he is healthy and able to!! I am grateful for that!

I spent the day with my son, nieces and nephews, my mom and sister - and it was wonderful!

I still think about and want to be a mother again more than anything in this world. I probably think about it 10 times a day (at least). I am trying to come to terms with the fact that it just might not be in the cards for me - but my heart feels differently. I truly deeply believe that I will have another child. I would love to have two or three more children. How we get to that point...I have no idea.

We are thinking about going the fertility route again - but NOT IVF (unless it is somehow free). Maybe we will adopt - we have been talking about that a lot to. (Secretly - I would LOVE to adopt a sibling group...in an ideal/perfect world it would include a newborn and an older child or two). We are talking about a lot of things...thats just it...we are talking. It is really hard to actually DO something when
1) you are out of money (adoption and IVF cost a LOT of money)
2) you are kind of scared to death after the last 4 FAILED attempts at getting pregnant
3) your husband is recovering from cancer
and
4) you think that maybe having your husband healed from cancer just might fill your miracle quota for a life time and asking for another child just might be too much

...so you just talk.

My plan is to once again try and get myself super healthy and then it will just magically happen. I guess we will see. It's a great plan - if it works!

But regardless of my lack of the ability to reproduce lately...I am still a mother and for that I am so grateful! I have several friends who would give anything to be able to say that - I know how lucky I am.