I'm Really Good at Something

Again, I have let the world of bloggers down. I just didn't have the spark for it - I was lost in a world of cancer, holidays, work, and whatever else you think might make a good excuse for being a SLACKER.

I recently found my spark again when we were doing our taxes and it was time to total the amount we spent on invetro. Are you ready for this??? We spent over 12 thousand dollars...and it didn't even work!!! If that isn't something to gripe about - I don't know what is.

So, needless to say...I am back and ready to bitch, gripe, and complain. Hope you are ready for it!!

Let me recap what has been going on since...oh, October.

My husband finished his cancer treatment (yay!). The radiation turned out to be a BEAST! It was the most horrible thing I have seen him go through yet. The chemo was bad (really bad), but since he had treatments every other week I guess he had a few days of almost normalcy in between. Not so for the radiation. He had to get radiation for 17 days straight. Since it was in his chest and neck he had horrible burns in his throat which made him very sick. Needless to say it SUCKED really bad!!! The good thing though, is that he was completely done and working towards recovery just in time for Christmas. And he is COMPLETELY cancer free!!!!

We had the best Christmas we have ever had. I don't mean in the way of gifts (although, he did really good this year). I mean this year we truly knew the meaning of Christmas. We had been given a second chance at life...and we took it! We faced the fact that our family could have been torn apart, and we fought like hell to make sure that did not happen. We celebrated being a FAMILY more than anything. It helped that this was the first Christmas in 10 years where we didn't have to travel to go anywhere. Although, I love traveling and I love being with family. It was so nice to just be home. I didn't have to worry about packing everyone up and all of the Christmas stress at the same time. It was wonderful!

Just a few weeks ago my husband was released to go back to full police duty. That was the moment when I realized that our fight really was over and that we had won!! The down side was that he will no longer be home with us in the evenings or weekends...but duty calls. I am so proud of him. I think he is even stronger now than before his treatment began.

So, about fertility...

We have never given up on the possibility that we can have children of our own...the old fashioned way. I found many articles (in my very advanced Internet research) stating that the type of chemotherapy that he went through does not have a permanent effect on fertility. I cling to this hope!!! We have discussed what our next step would be, and we just aren't sure. We still have some frozen "stuff" - but do I really want to go through that again? Do I really want to hand over that much money and say "good luck"? Don't get me wrong...it is worth every penny - IF it works! If it doesn't work it is not worth a damn cent! I mean seriously...who pays for something and gets nothing but heartache in return?? (Me that's who) I would have been better off paying some thug to take me into a back alley and beat the crap out of me...I mean, that is how you feel after all of the poking, prodding, retrieving, implanting, and waiting. Then when you get the news hat it doesn't work you feel like you've been shot...in the heart.

We will continue to try naturally, for some reason my husband insists that we should try EVERYDAY (men!). I believe that it can happen...but I have been believing that for the last 6 years. At what point do I become a fool? I am just not good at giving up hope. I am not good at accepting things for what they are. We are a family of 3 - I'm not good with it. I am not good giving up on a dream that I have...to be a mother again.

But, I have realized that I am really (really) good at something...not getting pregnant (and bitching about it). I am so good at it that I could probably teach a class or at least earn some sort of Master's degree in it. I mean for some who has tried EVERYTHING (and I mean everything) to get pregnant and it didn't work - I have pretty much perfected the art...of infertility. (Word to the wise: many of you are thinking "quit trying and it will happen" let me just give you some advice...NEVER EVER tell an infertile that. We do NOT want to hear how we are trying too hard or how you got pregnant when you least expected it...even if it is true...WE do NOT want to hear about it!)

From the beginning I have said that I am sure if I were 16, wearing too much make up, a prom dress, and drinking Boone's Farm in the back seat of some guy's dirty camaro - I'd be pregnant in no time. But, nope. (We've even tried the back seat thing...minus the Boone's Farm plus a bottle of chardonnay...and NOTHING.)

I'm just really good at NOT getting pregnant. (take that teen moms!)