Should We Tell Him?

Someone recently asked me if I am going to tell the baby how he was conceived...when he is older of course.

Honestly, I had never thought about it. I mean I am not shy or ashamed about going through IVF. I feel like it was an honor to be a part of something so miraculous. But...do people who conceive the "regular" way tell their children??? I mean, does a mom sit down with her son and say, "on the night you were conceived mommy had over indulged in some blackberry Merlot, and it was daddy's birthday, so we parked behind the Pic-n-Save..."

Probably not.

I will probably tell my son about how he came into this world...one day. But, I don't feel like the rules are different just because we had to go the IVF route. I want him to know how long we prayed and how much we wanted him. I also want him to know how much money he cost us - oh yeah, that will be thrown out there more than once, I'm sure! (kidding...sort of) I certainly don't feel obligated to tell him though.

The thing with IVF is - you don't really get it until you have had to go down that road. I don't think anyone would choose this as a way of conceiving unless they had to. I mean, it is not exactly fun. Or cheap. It involves a lot of painful procedures, expensive medicines, lots and lots of time and emotions, and it is not at all romantic. I prayed that one day I would just wake up pregnant, but that didn't happen. So, this was the path that we chose. I don't regret it. And, I am not at all ashamed of it.

I find myself telling anyone who asks (and even some who don't) about it. I want people to understand that it should not matter how this precious sweet baby boy gets here...just that he gets here, period!

This is Liam...5 days after fertilization (and several months in a freezer)...this, my friends, is what a miracle looks like!

Happy Scared!

It's becoming more and more real...in just a few weeks I will have the baby that I have spent years praying for. I am excited, honored, humbled, ecstatic, amazed, and frankly scared to death.

Why am I scared?

Well, for starters I haven't had a baby around in about 9 years. I have NO REGRETS, but it is just a little scary (in a good way) when I think about how much my life is about to change. I worry that I won't have enough time to get everything done. I just spent the last hour laying in bed reading a magazine debating whether or not I should take a bubble bath...that probably won't happen again for another ten years! But, it will be worth it, I know!!

I am scared because I just can't believe how good God has been to me. I am so blessed that it is scary (again, in a good way). Don't get me wrong...I knew this day would come, I just never considered how emotional it will be to realize that everything you have asked God for is being given to you - WOW. It is hard to even imagine it. God heard my cries and he answered them. He really loves me that much!

There was a time after my husband was healed from cancer that I thought - this was it. There was no way God would give us our miracle baby now because I was pretty sure that we had already reached our "Miracle Quota" with the whole cancer healing thing...that thought only stuck around for a short time...and I am so glad I was wrong!

For the last few days every time I pick up an article of baby clothes, a baby blanket, or even go into the baby's room my eyes fill with tears. I am just so overwhelmed by the thought that this really is a miracle and it is really happening (I am sure it has nothing to do with being 33 weeks pregnant with hormones coming out of my ears).

God truly is giving me what I asked for. This pregnancy has gone perfectly for the most part. Every test I have had has come back with good results, all of my appointments have gone well - things are simply perfect!

My house is beginning to look like a baby lives in it. There is some sort of baby apparatus or baby paraphernalia in virtually every room. From swings, to bouncy seats, to pack and plays - you name it...it's probably here somewhere. When I had my first son we lived in an adorable 1300 square foot house, this time around our house is more than double that size and I must tell you...I miss my little house! I have baby stuff spread out everywhere. The baby's room is upstairs and our room is down stairs, so in an effort to not drive myself nuts we have created a temporary nursery in our bedroom. So now I have baby stuff in my room as well as upstairs in his room - I am certain that I am going to lose something at some point...let's just hope it's not the baby! I am trying to convince myself that if I leave some baby items upstairs it will force me to go up and down the stairs and get "exercise" at the same time...yeah, we'll see how long that lasts!

Pregnancy Progress:
I went to the doctor yesterday. Everything is right on track! The baby is doing well and things seem to be on schedule. I have had some contractions here and there, Braxton-Hicks I'm sure. They are not regular so it really isn't anything to worry about. I had my older son about 3 weeks early, I know that doesn't mean anything this time around - but let's just say I wouldn't mind if it did.

33 weeks and counting!!

One year ago today I was still getting over a failed IVF and miscarriage. This baby was just a prayer on my lips...now he is boy in my womb. God is so good! I am thankful!!

30 weeks!

Can you believe we are here??? 30 weeks pregnant!!! This baby could come in just a few weeks, really. WOW!!!

A lot has happened since the last time I posted...

I have had two baby showers! This baby is blessed beyond words! I am almost all set with the all important baby gear (which I realize most of it I don't need - but it sure is cute and fun to get!). The nursery is almost done. Just a few little things here and there, but for the most part we are making major progress!

I had a doctor's appointment today and found out that the baby is transverse which means that he is laying across my uterus horizontally  not vertically like he is supposed to. But, this explains some of the aching I have had in my right side...kind of feels like there is a head jammed into my rib cage - probably because that is exactly what is happening  I am already planning to have a c-section so I am not too worried about his position. It just does not feel so good sometimes.

My house is starting to become littered with baby items. I have even done a few loads of baby laundry - this makes me SO happy!!! I have dreamed about baby bottles and burp cloths for years - now I get to really have them in my home without being secretly talked about as "that crazy lady who is obsessed with babies."

I can now go to Wal-mart (or any store for that matter) and walk into the baby section and feel like I am actually allowed to be there. I no longer secretly dislike the other baby-gear shoppers!

My dreams are coming true! And it is GLORIOUS!

Short 24 week update

I am 24 weeks pregnant now. Almost in the third trimester!!!

A few days ago I had my last appointment with the OB specialist. They did an echo-cardiogram on the baby. I guess there have been an increased number of IVF/ICSI babies born with heart defects so they like to do echos while in utero.  Thankfully, our baby's heart was perfect! Everything looks great - which also means no more specialist appointments.

I am glad that everything is ok, but I am sure going to miss getting those super fancy ultrasounds each month. Now, I will have to settle for the monthly doppler checks at my OB office. I suppose I can live with that.

Thinking Back

I am now 23 weeks pregnant. There are still days that I wake up and almost forget that I am pregnant, but then I look down at my belly or feel him kick and I am quickly reminded about my state.

Just think, 23 weeks ago I was laying on an exam table with a team of people all up in my "Gloria" and my husband standing by my head holding my hand. Maybe not exactly how I imagined it would happen...but it happened and that's really all that matters.

I remember even on the drive home from the transfer I felt different...I just felt like it was going to work this time.

It was about 6 days after my transfer that I broke down and took a pregnancy test. (I didn't share it on my blog because of what happened last time.) It was a Tuesday, and I remember it very well. I knew better than to take a test that soon after the transfer but I did it anyway. And, this time I was so glad I did! It was around 4 or 5:00 in the evening and I had to stop by the store on my way home from work so I decided since I was there anyway i might as well pick up a few HPTs. As soon as I walked in the door at home I went straight to the bathroom. I didn't waste a minute...in fact, about 4 minutes after I walked in the door I was staring down at two pink lines! Now, if you remember I saw these lines last time, but this time they were different... nice and dark!! That is like an infertile's holy grail - two dark pink lines!!!!

I called my husband as soon as I saw the lines. He was happy but I could tell he was still a little nervous. I took a test every day after that until I had my blood test on the following Friday. Needless to say, they were all positive.

And here we are today, 23 weeks later expecting a healthy baby boy!!!

I never thought I would be an IVF girl. I always thought that I'd just naturally have a houseful of children. It never occurred to me that it isn't always that easy.

I really don't think you can understand the impact infertility has on a person unless you have experienced it. It is a void that feels like nothing else. I am so glad that I did not give up on my dream to have more children! It was hard and expensive and I'm not really sure how we made it work - but we did! I don't regret any of it!

Don't ever give up if this is your dream! There are options, and there are even organizations who can help financially! It isn't fair that we have to work so much harder, but that should only make us more determined to see this journey through! Don't give up!!! It can happen. God is faithful - this I know to be true!

Full Circle

I will not begin by making apologies for not posting lately...I think we are all very well aware of the fact that I am a lazy blogger. Now, it is more about just keeping up with that stigma.

So on to the latest...

Today was a day that I have dreamed about for years. It really wasn't "special" so to speak - but it was a big deal to me.

I had a regular OB appointment today. My husband could not get off of work and since it was just a quick check I thought I'd just wing it on my own. However, after an unsuccessful attempt at trying to find someone to pick up our ten year old from school (yes, he's ten now - Oh. Em. Gee.) I ended up bringing him along to the appointment.  As I was driving into the city I realized that for the first time our son was about to meet the very doctor who will deliver our new baby...the same doctor who delivered him ten years ago.

To me this was a glorious day. I felt as if I had almost come full circle. Here I was making that same trek in to town that I made ten years ago...a drive that I have been praying that I would get to make again one day. And this time, the life that I once carried inside of me on this drive was sitting in the back seat and a brand new life was kicking me from within. I realized (yet again) just how faithful God is! Everything I have been praying for is happening - and I am so grateful!

Everything checked out well at the doctor's office! Liam's heartbeat was perfect and I measure right on track. I am 22 weeks now - ahhhmazing! So far I have gained 14lbs - not bad considering my whole "bump list" and the heavenly cafeteria ladies at school who have made it their personal mission to make sure baby Liam is well fed!!! I am eating well!! (Before anyone reports me to the "pregnancy food police" I have been attempting to accomplish the Bump List in moderation...one bite at a time!)

Speaking of bump list...I'm starving!

It's a...Miracle!

Today was the most amazing day!!

We got to see our Snow Pea today and finally give HIM a name! Yep, this snow pea is a BOY!!! We are so thrilled. I just can't describe the happiness I feel.

Since I found out I was pregnant the question has been, "what do you think it is" or "what do you hope it is?" The truth is, I just wanted a baby! I prayed for a baby and that is what God gave me...the rest just didn't matter to me.

I will admit that I found myself browsing the "girl stuff" a little bit more often, but I think that is just because it was new and different. I have had a girl name picked out since I was 23 and truly, I do hope I get to use it one day (even if it is for a puppy or something). But, from the moment that she said "It's a boy!" I was in love with having another son.

I think it will be amazing for our almost 10 year old to have a baby brother. I love the fact that I get to pull out my old baby clothes (yes, I've kept them for 10 years in hopes of this day!!) and put them on the new baby while remembering when my first born wore the same outfits.

A girl would have been just as wonderful...but I am perfectly happy with my baby boy!

No matter this baby's gender - it's a miracle either way! This baby was thought impossible by many people, even some doctors...but God had a different plan. Giving us another son was also part of that plan.

I just can't describe the JOY I feel. I love that I am going to have another boy!!!

As far as health goes...he is perfect! He had all of his parts and his heart and bones all looked wonderful! We are so blessed and amazed by this miracle!!!

We got to bring our 10 year old with us to this appointment. He was in love with the fact that he got to "see" his baby brother. We could have sat there all day and watched him wiggle around in my tummy!

I am so blessed...and looks like I am going to be the only princess in this house for awhile...and I'm ok with that!!!