Fertility Business

The most important secret that I can share about the infertile life is that... it is darn expensive to be infertile. It's kind of like a double whammy. Not only are you incompetent at producing children but also we are going to make sure you are in debt for the rest of your life. It makes me think...what did I ever do to deserve this??? Don't answer that!

My husband and I are ready to start fertility treatments again. Last year we spent about 5K on our treatments...which is not considered a lot in the fertility world! So, this time I decided to do some shopping around. I actually called other fertility clinics to find out how much they charge for certain fertility treatments. So, basically I am selling the fate of my next child to the lowest bidder...probably not the best idea. BUT - lucky for me, my current doctor's office (which I love) is the most reasonable. So it all worked out. Well, not yet. But, here's hoping.

And Get this - due to the current economy many fertility clinics (mine included) are offering a partial refund if you do not actually bring a baby home from the hospital. Are we crazy??? (Yes, we are.) We are accepting refunds for our babies. What about when our children grow up and decide to drop out of college and travel Europe to "find themselves," or wreck the family car, or get speeding tickets, or arrested for under age drinking, or trash the house by throwing wild parties while mom and dad are out of town...who do we see about that refund?? Not, that I am complaining about the refund part...I just never thought I would ever utter the words "baby refund." Crazy how life turns out.

It turns out that fertility is as much a business as it is a science. It involves a lot of transactions, treatments, procedures, and even financing.

Hopefully, I'll be receiving my MBA (mother by assistance) soon.

Baby Shower!

Well, tomorrow is the big day...a day dreaded by Infertiles everywhere. I am going to a baby shower!

It is for a dear sweet friend, and I am so happy for her. Really, I am. I am happy for her, but sad for me. I know, I know...infertiles have a way of making everything about "them". It is just one of the secrets. We don't intend to do it, things just hit us differently. Instead of seeing it as "isn't it wonderful that she is going to have a baby" we see it as " isn't it terrible that I am not having a baby."

I often see women, pregnant women, and think what is so special about her? What is she doing that I am not doing? Does God think she is a better mother than me? Is she more worthy of being a mother? We don't say these things out loud (well, sometimes we do), but we think them...and any infertile who says they don't is a liar! (I mean that in a funny way)

One of the Secrets to living the infertile life is to put on a happy face and keep your mouth shut! Just smile and nod. Especially at a baby shower!! If you do make the mistake of opening your mouth one of two things will happen: 1) you will say something (unintentional) about your desire to have a baby or lack of a child and will then make every one feel sorry for you and be known as the "who invited that girl - Debbie Downer". Or 2) you will say something (probably intentional but without thinking first) rude and sarcastic when everyone starts complaining about how terrible it was to be pregnant (which will happen - show me a baby shower where no one complains about pregnancy and I'll show you the liquor they must have put in the punch) and then you will just be known as someones bitchy friend...so my advice is to just smile and nod. Don't say a word!

Be sweet!

Resolutions!

Well, Christmas came and went...and needless to say Santa did not bring us a baby. Oh, well. He did however bring us 5 glorious pounds of holiday goodness! Like I needed that! Great, so I am fat...but not pregnant. Awesome!

Actually, I am not bummed at the moment. I mean gaining 5 lbs. sure sucks, but I am actually in a good place right now. I am trying to make the best of every moment that I have. I started thinking, when we finally do have a baby it is really going to suck what with the whole NO SLEEP and all. So, I am just going to try and enjoy every babyless day that I have until they are gone. Don't get me wrong...I want these babyless days to go away, but until they do I might as well enjoy them...right?

So, I've made another list...a list of "Babyless Resolutions" if you will (if you haven't noticed...I like making lists). Here it goes:

I resolve to do the following while I am babyless...

• sleep late whenever possible...and by late I mean 10ish is perfectly acceptable (so is 11ish)
• cook meals for my family...real meals, not just crap thrown in a pot and cooked to death. Fresh produce, lean meats, yummy homemade things...you know the stuff I will not have time to make once I do have a baby. (Disclaimer: I will not commit to any set number of "home cooked" meals per week...so don't get excited!)
• Sit at the table and eat together, every meal - no exceptions (this is something we do already, but I know when we have a baby it won't always be possible)
• Go out on a date with my husband at least once a month...maybe twice! (again, we kind of already do this...but I think I take it for granted)
• wear sexy nighties to bed...every now and then (Disclaimer: I will however have my t-shirt and pajama pants on stand by and as soon as he goes to sleep the lacy crap will be history! I love dressing up, and I love buying lingerie...but I hate to sleep in it)
• work out...when I can. I am not going to put limits on it, I am just going to say that I will make every effort to work out more, while I can.
• I am going to kiss my husband...not an "I want to have sex kiss" just s kiss, because after almost 9 years of marriage you kind of forget about kissing...I want to remind myself what it is all about!
• spontaneous sex...(Infertile Secret: sex becomes part of dinner conversation when you are in the realm of fertility/infertility...it sort of loses it's flair. We have done a really good job of getting back to the "flair" so I am going to enjoy the "flair" while I can. Also, I remember what sex was like after having a baby...I think that is when I started to indulge in the ol' adult beverage...it wasn't always fun and perfect, especially if one breast feeds...anyway, I am just going to get my flair on while I can!
• Saturday Night Live - I use to live for this show...I love staying up late just to watch it...well, that is IF THEY WOULD HAVE A NEW EPISODE EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE! Anyway, when a baby comes I doubt I will ever stay up late enough to watch...so I am going to get my SNL fix in the mean time!
• Bubble baths - i am going to take a bubble bath and LOCK the door several times a week! A really, really hot one where you can see the steam rising from the beneath the 10 inches of bubbles...oh, yeah!!!
• Hang out with my son...I spend a lot of time with him, but like the date nights I think I take it for granted. I am sure that no matter how much I love my next child I will miss the good ol' days of he and I just cruising around town doing our own thing. I will miss when things were easy. I will LOVE the new life, but I will remember the times I had alone with my first born and they will make me smile! I resolve to enjoy those little moments, make the best of them, and let God know just how very grateful I am that he has once already chosen me to be a mother.
• Be thankful...I resolve to be thankful and enjoy the gifts that God has given me...I am sure that I will still complain about my infertile situation and I may even gripe and cry...but I will never forget just how blessed I truly am.

Here is to a NEW YEAR, may it bring you blessings! And me...a baby! :)

Dear Santa...

I love this time of year! I love the lights, the music, the food...especially the food! I just love it! I especially love that my little boy still believes in Santa!! I know that it won't be too much longer, but I am enjoying it while I can! Which leads me to my latest secret to living the infertile life...one must be quick on ones feet and quite resourceful when it comes to pulling a story from ones "you know where!"

Let me explain...
A few weeks ago my son decided to write Santa a letter telling him what he wanted for Christmas. The letter went like this:

Dear Santa,
I don't want any toys this year. Just a brother or a sister.
Love,
Ben

When I read it my heart was both happy and sad. I was happy to know that my dear sweet boy shares the same wish as his daddy and I, but sad to know I was going to have to explain why Santa can't grant his Christmas wish.

I also wondered if my husband and I have maybe said too much in front of him. I mean, he doesn't know about the whole "infertile" thing but he does know that we want a baby and that mommy has to go to the doctor a lot and that mommy sometimes has to take shots. And, I am sure he has picked up on the fact that sometimes mommy does not feel good and stays in her jammies all day and eats Cheetos for breakfast (and lunch and dinner). He also knows that when mommy if having one of her "not feeling good days" that daddy usually has to make a carrot cake run to make me feel better. It really is hard to keep something so emotional a secret (especially when your fingers are stained a Chester Cheetah orange and so are most of your p.j.s).

We have a very open line of communication when our son, so I did not want to lie to him about Santa...but I still wanted to keep the magic of Christmas alive for him. So I explained it like this...Santa can't bring children, he only brings toys. Children come from God. After all, Santa is not a miracle worker just a little magical, God however is a miracle worker and children are of course a miracle. Therefore, we can't ask Santa for a baby. (see that is only half a lie...the Santa part).

Ben seemed to accept my explanation without hesitation. I thought I was really going to have to peddle to keep the Christmas magic going. But, nope. I explained it and his response was "o.k." That's it...o.k.

So, later on I found the letter on the counter. He had crossed out Santa and wrote God instead.


Anyone know God's address?

A Faithful Infertile

So, in an effort to 'turn over a new leaf' (code for stop being such a complaining mega B) I have dove deep into my faith and found it quite promising.

Here are a few things you may not have figured out yet...
1. I'm blond...just so ya know.
2. I'm 31...too young for fertility problems...right???
3. I'm a Christian.

I said Christian, not Saint! I am not perfect. I have been known to drop a curse word here and there, I don't go to church every single Sunday, and I don't believe it is a sin to enjoy an occasional adult beverage. But, I do absolutely believe that God is the God of miracles and that through his son Jesus I have been given the gift of eternal life. I also believe in the power of prayer. I believe in the scriptures and I even believe that some of them were written solely for me.

With that being said, let me share with you the latest gift I have been given...a glimmer of hope...a hint of a promise...a scripture written just for me.

Hebrews 10:36 & 37
" You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised, for in just a very little while."

And this one...
"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful."
Hebrews 10:23

My take on this...
I believe that God promised me that I will be a "joyful mother of children." I believe that I will have more children. This is a desire of my heart. It is a desire that my entire family shares. We are all in agreement. I believe that this is a promise that God made to me. Now, some people say "well if it were God's will it will happen," and I believe this too. But, I also believe that if it were not in God's will for me to have more children then he would take that desire away from me, my husband, and my son. We have this desire so greatly so I believe it is my promise. Our promise.

I believe that if I continue to have hope and not let it waver and stay within God's will then my promise will be given to me. This is what I believe. What is God's will for me? Am I in it? This I am still trying to figure out...but maybe that is the whole point of all of this fertility nonsense...maybe God is just trying to show me something that I couldn't see on my own.

But, wait (I say to myself) what about all of those terrible crack ho skanks who keep getting knocked up over and over again...why does God make it so easy for them??? (And I answer myself) Maybe, because God has something special in mind for me, maybe because God thinks I am capable of more than that, maybe because God wants me to seek out the promise that he has given me. Maybe I will get more out of this than just a pregnancy. Maybe the getting pregnant part was just the first step in an even more incredible journey. Maybe it was about more than just getting pregnant.

Whatever it may be...I believe God.

another month...

Another month has come and gone and I am still not pregnant...big surprise there!

We are trying naturally right now and well, we are naturally having no success. I am taking an oral medicine that is only for my blood sugar issues (that come along with PCOS) but other than that we are just letting nature takes it's course...which apparently doesn't involve getting me pregnant.

I do believe that it will happen. I do. I do. I do. I know that I will be blessed with another child, maybe even more than one. I am just tired of waiting. I am tired of hoping. I am tired of being disappointed. If nothing else the waiting gives me a chance to improve my health...however I just gorged myself on a heath bar-milk dud cocktail so obviously my health wasn't a priority today.

The funny thing about being infertile is that I truly think I am pregnant EVERY single month. Yes, every month for the last 4 years I have thought I was pregnant. I have been nauseous, my boobs have hurt, I have been so incredibly tired, I have had indigestion like crazy...yes, for 4 years! Every month I say to myself 'this is it...I know it', and every month I have been disappointed.

This month I was a few days late, although I am not exactly regular so you think I would have prepared myself for instances like this...but no. I just go on and let myself think that maybe just maybe I am pregnant. Then BAM! When the results come in I take a downward spiral like you've never seen. I turn into some crazy EMO B!! I don't like doing this to myself, yet I continue to do it. Every month.

I just read a story about a girl in a situation much like mine and it inspired me. She said that instead of spending her time being sad and depressed she used it to improve herself (health & weight) and improve the bond between her and her husband. Perhaps, I will adopt this much more pleasant way of life...but, my family on the other hand may think I have been abducted by aliens and replaced by a clone.

Screw it!

I am the worst blogger on the face of the planet! Better late than never...right?

So let's see...where did we leave off??? Oh, yes....with me NOT being pregnant, again. I have pretty much reached my end with this whole infertile business. I told my husband the other day that I am just ready to buy a baby, this waiting and then being disappointed every month gets really old, really fast.

This past month I was actually even a few days late. That is probably the worst practical joke that can be played on an infertile. To be late???? I was just about to let myself get a teensy-weensy bit excited and then I took a pregnancy test. Why do I even take them anymore?

After another failed month I went out and bought....no, not carrot cake...actually, I bought an ovulation predictor kit. I had stopped using them because I was convinced that they were cursed, plus while I was on meds the doctors pretty much predicted my ovulation for me. But, since I am going the o-naturale route I decided to take my chances. Will it help? I don't know...it didn't in the past. But standing on my head is getting kind of old.

Are you sensing some bitterness in my blog?? You should be. I am past the point of "why" and at the point of "wtf??" I know it is ugly, but I guess I am in an ugly place right now. I am tired of seeing idiot girls with babies that they don't deserve. I am tired of hearing about some loser crack ho giving birth for the 4th, 5th, or 6th time. I am a good person, I am a good mother (most of the time). I love my husband. I have a good job. I have a decent home. I just want another baby!!!!!!!

Screw it!