Dear Santa...

I love this time of year! I love the lights, the music, the food...especially the food! I just love it! I especially love that my little boy still believes in Santa!! I know that it won't be too much longer, but I am enjoying it while I can! Which leads me to my latest secret to living the infertile life...one must be quick on ones feet and quite resourceful when it comes to pulling a story from ones "you know where!"

Let me explain...
A few weeks ago my son decided to write Santa a letter telling him what he wanted for Christmas. The letter went like this:

Dear Santa,
I don't want any toys this year. Just a brother or a sister.
Love,
Ben

When I read it my heart was both happy and sad. I was happy to know that my dear sweet boy shares the same wish as his daddy and I, but sad to know I was going to have to explain why Santa can't grant his Christmas wish.

I also wondered if my husband and I have maybe said too much in front of him. I mean, he doesn't know about the whole "infertile" thing but he does know that we want a baby and that mommy has to go to the doctor a lot and that mommy sometimes has to take shots. And, I am sure he has picked up on the fact that sometimes mommy does not feel good and stays in her jammies all day and eats Cheetos for breakfast (and lunch and dinner). He also knows that when mommy if having one of her "not feeling good days" that daddy usually has to make a carrot cake run to make me feel better. It really is hard to keep something so emotional a secret (especially when your fingers are stained a Chester Cheetah orange and so are most of your p.j.s).

We have a very open line of communication when our son, so I did not want to lie to him about Santa...but I still wanted to keep the magic of Christmas alive for him. So I explained it like this...Santa can't bring children, he only brings toys. Children come from God. After all, Santa is not a miracle worker just a little magical, God however is a miracle worker and children are of course a miracle. Therefore, we can't ask Santa for a baby. (see that is only half a lie...the Santa part).

Ben seemed to accept my explanation without hesitation. I thought I was really going to have to peddle to keep the Christmas magic going. But, nope. I explained it and his response was "o.k." That's it...o.k.

So, later on I found the letter on the counter. He had crossed out Santa and wrote God instead.


Anyone know God's address?

A Faithful Infertile

So, in an effort to 'turn over a new leaf' (code for stop being such a complaining mega B) I have dove deep into my faith and found it quite promising.

Here are a few things you may not have figured out yet...
1. I'm blond...just so ya know.
2. I'm 31...too young for fertility problems...right???
3. I'm a Christian.

I said Christian, not Saint! I am not perfect. I have been known to drop a curse word here and there, I don't go to church every single Sunday, and I don't believe it is a sin to enjoy an occasional adult beverage. But, I do absolutely believe that God is the God of miracles and that through his son Jesus I have been given the gift of eternal life. I also believe in the power of prayer. I believe in the scriptures and I even believe that some of them were written solely for me.

With that being said, let me share with you the latest gift I have been given...a glimmer of hope...a hint of a promise...a scripture written just for me.

Hebrews 10:36 & 37
" You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised, for in just a very little while."

And this one...
"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful."
Hebrews 10:23

My take on this...
I believe that God promised me that I will be a "joyful mother of children." I believe that I will have more children. This is a desire of my heart. It is a desire that my entire family shares. We are all in agreement. I believe that this is a promise that God made to me. Now, some people say "well if it were God's will it will happen," and I believe this too. But, I also believe that if it were not in God's will for me to have more children then he would take that desire away from me, my husband, and my son. We have this desire so greatly so I believe it is my promise. Our promise.

I believe that if I continue to have hope and not let it waver and stay within God's will then my promise will be given to me. This is what I believe. What is God's will for me? Am I in it? This I am still trying to figure out...but maybe that is the whole point of all of this fertility nonsense...maybe God is just trying to show me something that I couldn't see on my own.

But, wait (I say to myself) what about all of those terrible crack ho skanks who keep getting knocked up over and over again...why does God make it so easy for them??? (And I answer myself) Maybe, because God has something special in mind for me, maybe because God thinks I am capable of more than that, maybe because God wants me to seek out the promise that he has given me. Maybe I will get more out of this than just a pregnancy. Maybe the getting pregnant part was just the first step in an even more incredible journey. Maybe it was about more than just getting pregnant.

Whatever it may be...I believe God.

another month...

Another month has come and gone and I am still not pregnant...big surprise there!

We are trying naturally right now and well, we are naturally having no success. I am taking an oral medicine that is only for my blood sugar issues (that come along with PCOS) but other than that we are just letting nature takes it's course...which apparently doesn't involve getting me pregnant.

I do believe that it will happen. I do. I do. I do. I know that I will be blessed with another child, maybe even more than one. I am just tired of waiting. I am tired of hoping. I am tired of being disappointed. If nothing else the waiting gives me a chance to improve my health...however I just gorged myself on a heath bar-milk dud cocktail so obviously my health wasn't a priority today.

The funny thing about being infertile is that I truly think I am pregnant EVERY single month. Yes, every month for the last 4 years I have thought I was pregnant. I have been nauseous, my boobs have hurt, I have been so incredibly tired, I have had indigestion like crazy...yes, for 4 years! Every month I say to myself 'this is it...I know it', and every month I have been disappointed.

This month I was a few days late, although I am not exactly regular so you think I would have prepared myself for instances like this...but no. I just go on and let myself think that maybe just maybe I am pregnant. Then BAM! When the results come in I take a downward spiral like you've never seen. I turn into some crazy EMO B!! I don't like doing this to myself, yet I continue to do it. Every month.

I just read a story about a girl in a situation much like mine and it inspired me. She said that instead of spending her time being sad and depressed she used it to improve herself (health & weight) and improve the bond between her and her husband. Perhaps, I will adopt this much more pleasant way of life...but, my family on the other hand may think I have been abducted by aliens and replaced by a clone.

Screw it!

I am the worst blogger on the face of the planet! Better late than never...right?

So let's see...where did we leave off??? Oh, yes....with me NOT being pregnant, again. I have pretty much reached my end with this whole infertile business. I told my husband the other day that I am just ready to buy a baby, this waiting and then being disappointed every month gets really old, really fast.

This past month I was actually even a few days late. That is probably the worst practical joke that can be played on an infertile. To be late???? I was just about to let myself get a teensy-weensy bit excited and then I took a pregnancy test. Why do I even take them anymore?

After another failed month I went out and bought....no, not carrot cake...actually, I bought an ovulation predictor kit. I had stopped using them because I was convinced that they were cursed, plus while I was on meds the doctors pretty much predicted my ovulation for me. But, since I am going the o-naturale route I decided to take my chances. Will it help? I don't know...it didn't in the past. But standing on my head is getting kind of old.

Are you sensing some bitterness in my blog?? You should be. I am past the point of "why" and at the point of "wtf??" I know it is ugly, but I guess I am in an ugly place right now. I am tired of seeing idiot girls with babies that they don't deserve. I am tired of hearing about some loser crack ho giving birth for the 4th, 5th, or 6th time. I am a good person, I am a good mother (most of the time). I love my husband. I have a good job. I have a decent home. I just want another baby!!!!!!!

Screw it!

Gettin' my Reiki on...

I have once again been avoiding my blog. I suppose it is for the mere fact that I feel so incredibly boring now that I am not injecting myself with hormones or ingesting mountains of "crazy" pills on a daily basis. But, never fear...I have started Reiki therapy so the fun shall soon begin!

Since my last update I have continued a regimen of low carb food, insulin medication and prenatal vitamins and what has it done for me? A whole lotta nothin'! Yep, another unsuccessful month. But, I am not giving up...oh, no...now I am under the care of a certified Reiki Practitioner (aka my sister).

So Reiki Therapy...yeah, I am not exactly sure what it is except that I think it has something to do with transferring positive energy and opening yourself up to allow good energy to flow. It comes from the practice of Yoga and meditation, I think. Anyway, my sister has become a certified Reiki Practitioner, and I am currently her only client. She preformed her first Reiki session on me the other day and it was successful...I think. I mean, we got through it without either one of us breaking into hideous laughter or being drunk so I am pretty sure that is a good thing. I went into it with a very open mind. I believe that our own minds have some control over our circumstances. My goal is to allow myself to change the things I can and accept the things I can't (change). Which I am pretty sure is kind of the whole concept behind Reiki, but I could be wrong.

Four days after my Reiki treatment I woke up to a very unwelcome visitor...AF. A sure sign that I was once again, not pregnant. But, this time it was different. I didn't cry hysterically or break down into a million pieces. I just felt disappointed and went on with my day. I was kind of a biotch the whole day, but I think that is just part of the package!! Reiki??? Maybe.

I am not accepting the fact that I am infertile, I am accepting the fact that I am not pregnant this month. I am also accepting the fact that I can hopefully change that in the future...the near future.

Suck it Up!

So, I must apologize for not updating sooner. School has started and I just have found myself much busier than normal...that's a lie.

The truth is, I have purposely stayed away from the blog to avoid admitting, yet again, that my body, mind and faith have failed me. I guess it just reminds me that I am still...infertile.

So, "suck it up" I have said to myself. I am carrying on. There is good news to report though...I have managed by some miracle to stick to my diet (the one that is supposed to increase my fertility and not jack up my ovaries, but we are not counting the 2 days following the infamous phone call of doom...there was a lot of carrot cake involved and we are just going to overlook those...right???) anyway...I am at my lowest weight in 10 years!!!! Yay, Me!!! My goal is to use this opportunity (the not being pregnant one) to lose more weight, so that when I do get pregnant I can get fat, but be less fat than I would have been had I not lost more weight...make sense?? Well, it does to me, sort of.

As part of campaign "SUCK IT UP and move on with my life" I have decided to make a list of positive things that have resulted from my negative results...make sense??? Also, since I am going to take a short break from medical assisted fertility, these are things I can look forward to.

• no more getting up at 5:30 am for doctor's appointments...instead I will be getting up at 6:30 am to face 21 second graders (there are days I'd rather see the doctor)
  
• less visitors up in my "lady business" (aka Gloria) for awhile...that ultrasound wand was just getting a little too comfortable in there
• I can keep my pants on
  
• no more shots!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• less hormones raging within my being
  
• maybe now the metamorphosis into Mega-Bitch will be a little less frequent (hence, the less hormones) Disclaimer: NO PROMISES HERE!!!!
  
• no more sweat attacks!!! perhaps sweat will now only appear from places in which it is meant to, and only after a vigorous workout (which is likely to happen...never)
• wine, wine glorious wine!!! We have been apart for too long my friend.
• random sex!!! no more calendars or alarm clocks to tell me when I have to "do it"
• no more binge eating and tremendous guilt afterward...wait, scratch that...this probably will never go away
• no morning sickness (although, secretly...I'd puke my guts out every single day if that is what it takes to get me a baby!!!)
• no weight gain (but again, I'd gain a million pounds if that is what it took)
• ok...wait...this list is starting to make me sad....

The point is, I am trying to be positive and look at the bright side...but the truth is, I'd give just about anything to be pregnant. I am going to "suck it up" but I am not going to give up! I still have faith...renewed faith even. I believe that this is going to happen for me. Until it does, I will continue to find the positive things to get me through it!


I guess the best thing about not being pregnant this month is that...we can just keep trying!!!!

I've been a bad blogger! I should have updated you before now, but I have felt kind of...suckish (a word I learned from my 6 year old - he learned it from iCarly)...and not suckish in a good way.

I went to the doctor on Tuesday for my blood work. I felt good, I felt confident, I felt hopeful. My appointment was at 8:30, but I didn't get the results until around 5:00 pm, so all day my stomach was in knots. I couldn't eat (but I made up for it). I couldn't sit still. Luckily, I had an entire classroom to put together to keep my mind of it (but it didn't). At 5:00 my phone rang and I new instantly who it was (not because I was getting a vibe or anything...just the whole caller i.d. thing). I answered it. As soon as the nurse said "Hi, Angela" I knew the outcome. I could tell. She had an "I feel sorry for you" overtone in her voice. She told me the results were negative... and that was that. I had to answer her questions with one word responses in an effort not to cry right there in the phone. As soon as we hung up... it was over. I was a mess. My husband tried to comfort me, but there was really no use. I felt as if I had just lost another baby. I guess I had created this baby in my mind. I was trying so hard to believe that I was pregnant. I was angry. I was sad. I was hurt. I was disappointed. I was pissed.

I think I am over it now. Sort of. At least I am over being angry. I know there is no reason to mad. Who am I going to get mad at?

The funny thing is, I imagined how the phone call would go all day. And for some reason it was so much easier to imagine the scenario that I didn't want to happen rather than the one I so desperately wanted. Why? I am guessing that I am just so use to hearing "no" or "negative results" or seeing damn single lines for so long that I forgot how to imagine the opposite. Everytime I would imagine the nurse calling me and saying "you're pregnant," something in the back of my mind kept telling me that wasn't going to happen. But, I tried so hard to get past it. I wanted to believe that this could happen for me. Did I not believe enough? Did I not have enough faith?

So where does this leave us??? Well, I think I am going to take a break from the medical assisted reproduction for a while. I am going to go another route for a few months...a holistic route. (This could get interesting) The holistic route is also know as the free and desperate route. I'll keep you updated.

I have not given up! I will not give up! I know that it is going to happen!

P.S. Later that night, after I got the results, my husband had to run up to the store. He, as he always does, asked me if I needed anything. My reply???? "Carrot Cake!" And this time, I absolutely meant it!