Here We Go Again!

Well here we are…same situation…new blog entry!

But there have been a few changes since we last met. First of all, we started another cycle of IVF (yeah, I know…that’s kind of big news). I seriously did not think I would want to do IVF again, but after meeting with our IVF doctor things just kind of fell into place.

Let me explain…

We met with our doctor back in June (I think) he explained that he really thought we should try IVF again – he said there are NO REASONS why we can’t get pregnant using IVF. I really trust him and it sounded good, but I knew there was no way we could afford to do another cycle. That’s when the miracles started happening…

First, the doctor offered to do our IVF cycle at a VERY reduced rate!! I mean really reduced!! That was a huge relief - but having gone down this road once before I knew that the actual cycle cost is only half of the whole IVF cost. Even with the reduced price we could never afford all of the medicines. Last time our medicines alone cost more than $4,000.00!!! So we said we would think about it and get back to them.

A few days later the nurse called with some AMAZING news. She explained our situation to one of the drug reps and ended up getting ALL of my injectibles donated…all of them!!! I was stoked but still felt like there must be a catch in there somewhere. I still needed to work on gathering up the money for the doctor’s office so we scheduled the IVF start date for a few months later.

A Few months later…

Here we are with some FREE (yes I said FREE) meds and 13 little baby eggs up in my uterus!! Things have just fallen into place. We were able to come up with the money that we needed to start the cycle. My husband is feeling great and is actually able to be a part of this whole crazy process (he might wish he were still sick on some days).

I went to the doctor today and things are RIGHT ON SCHEDULE! I have only had two hot flashes and have cried only like 17 times – things are awesome! I did eat a half of a bag of Doritos (we were out of Cheetos) but I am just counting that as a bonus!

Oh – and the best news of this whole business so far is that when I got weighed at my first visit I weighed 10 pounds LESS than last time!! Whoo-Hoo!! (But – that was before the Doritos…dang-it!)

So things are looking good! I feel really good about this (although I am pretty sure I felt good about the last one too). My life is in a really good place right now. My family is healthy and we just feel that God has directed our path up to this point. I just pray that he continues to direct it…hopefully right into the doors of the delivery room!!

Strange Babies

Strange Baby - Episode 1 "Stalker Baby"

A few months ago my cell phone rang and an unfamiliar number appeared on my screen, thinking nothing of it I answered it. After giving my normal "Hello" I heard a very sweet and sharp "goooo-gahhhhhh-goooooo" - seriously this is what I heard. Again, I tried for the greeting and again I got some more baby babble. Some real authentic baby babble. I looked again at the number and again I did not recognize it. Instead of just hanging up the phone like any (sane) normal person I listened for a moment more and then I completely lost my mind and actually tried to talk to the freakin baby. The baby laughed and gave me some more goos and gahhhs, but nothing I could make sense of. I held the phone to my ear and just listened - for a good seven minutes or so - just listened to some random baby...who was apparently stalking me. The weirdest part (oh yeah - it gets weirder) was that eventually, while listening to the crazy baby talk I started to get a bit teary. I wondered if I would ever get to hear those sounds again...from my very own baby. Here I am practically crying on the phone with some strange baby who I am sure just smashed a bunch of numbers on a phone and called me at random - yet I tried to converse....with a BABY!!!!!!!

In the end, I decided that it must be some sort of sign. I have the gift of turning just about anything that happens to anyone - anywhere in the world into some sort of sign meant for me. In my mind this random phone call from a baby stalker was my "future baby: calling me just to let me know that he or she was still out there and not to give up hope. Ummmm, crazy but I'll take it!



Strange Baby - Episode 2 "Baby Stalker"

Over this past weekend my family and I took a trip to a nearby theme park to celebrate our son's ninth birthday. (Wow 9!!!) It seemed like every single woman there was parading around a sweet baby at various stages of baby cuteness. (Who takes a bitty baby to a theme park anyway??? Me, that's who - just you wait - when I do have a baby I'm taking that sucker everywhere and I'm going to milk being a new mom for all it's worth!) Oh, ok...anyway..back to my story. So, we are there having a grand time with all of these babies just taunting us. Girl babies. Boy babies. Fat babies. Skinny babies. Black babies. White babies. Asian babies. You name it - it was there!

At one point, I found myself smiling and trying to talk to the baby who was being held by her mom in front of me while we waited in line. The baby laughed and smiled but after about 15 minutes and a few odd glances from the mom I decided to wrap things up. Later, I saw the cutest fuzzy haired little boy laying on his mother's shoulder. He reached his arm toward me at and I instinctively leaned in toward him to kiss his tiny baby hand - OMG...I wish I was making this up. I literally almost kissed a strange baby's sweet chubby baby hand - without even thinking!! Thank God, I caught myself and manged to fake out a sneeze instead. So instead of kissing a strange baby I faked sneezed on it - really, I don't know which is worse! I do know that I am now an official baby stalker!

Babies calling me. Seeing babies everywhere I go. One thing is for sure - I'm losing it!!!

Infertile Hell

Over the last 24 hours I have literally put myself in INFERTILE HELL!

First, I attended a baby shower last night (that in it self is hell for an infertile) but this was no ordinary baby shower - there was not one pregnant belly, not two pregnant bellies, not even three...there were 4 beautiful pregnant bellies...F-O-U-R!!! It just so happens that I have 4 pregnant friends and they were all in one place last night. The thing is, I love them - and I promise you I am happy for them. I really really am. But, I am honestly and completely jealous of them! I am jealous of their morning sickness, swollen ankles, stretch marks, and extreme fatigue...I am jealous of every minute of it! I try not to be. I keep telling myself that I should be happy with what I have - and I am. But I also want a pregnant belly of my own. I want my friends to gather and celebrate the birth of my next child - I want a sibling for my son. I don't want to be the secretly sad girl that everyone feels sorry for at the next baby shower.

Oh, and to make my first stop in Infertile Hell a real hoot - I decided that I would stick to my diet and forgo the wine that was readily available - why did I do that?? (note to self: next time you are at a baby shower...TIP IT!!!)

The ride is not over yet.

Next stop - Fertility Doctor...

So, we went back to the doctor today. Finally decided to sit down with him and take a look at what went wrong with our IVF cycle. Here's the kicker...

nothing went wrong. Everything was exactly perfect!!!

Yep -

eggs - perfect!
uterus - perfect!
sperm - perfect!

He basically said that I had a 60-70 percent chance of getting pregnant and he has no friggin' clue as to why I didn't!

PERFECT!

Everything that needed to happen for the cycle to be successful happened. I believe he even called it "textbook". Geesh! I guess that is what I get for being the Infertile Goddess!! I do have a reputation to uphold.

I think I was better off not knowing the truth. In my mind it didn't work because there was some terrible medical mix up and the doctors were going to make it up to me by throwing in a fresh IVF cycle - on the house!!!

There is some good news though...my husband is making a FULL recovery (if you know what I mean) from the chemotherapy! Things are looking good!!

Also - on the note of good news...I am down 9 lbs!!! I still have about 15 to go - but YAY, it's a start!

I am ready to say goodbye to this placed called Infertile Hell - and I have no interest in sending post cards!!!

Next stop...Fertileville!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Prom Babies and Skinny Jeans

Not much has changed regarding the fertility situation. I do have an upcoming appointment with my fertility doc to discuss what's next - if there is a next. We have explored the adoption thing a little bit more. We have met with a few people who have worked in foster care adoption and are considering that route. I have looked in to private adoption - but I really don't know how we could swing the cost. But it is still on the table!

There is good news though... it's PROM season!! You know what that means...in a few months there will be an influx of sales from EPTs and Clear Blue Easys - and girls everywhere will suddenly "go off to live with their long lost aunts". And what does this mean to me...PROM BABIES!! In fact, I have seriously considered launching an all-out campaign in search of unwanted Prom Babies. I am even willing to make posters and pass out business cards at the local high school come Fall. Perhaps, even an add in our local newspaper - sadly...I'm totally serious! I mean I know it is going to happen - in a few months some girl is going to find herself in the "motherly way" and say: "But, it was my first time." (sure it was sweetie!) She will either: a) do the unthinkable b) be secretly thrilled c) look for options...I could be that option!!!!

So please, pas it along to all of your friends - I am on the hunt for a prom baby!!! I could even be a "long lost aunt" to some sweet little girl "in trouble" - ok that came out kind of creepy...I meant that I would happily turn my guest room into a "home for unwed mothers" on one condition...leave the baby when you go!!!!

So in other news - I am still battling the weight/health issue and am actually seeing success!! I have lost 7 lbs in the last 3 weeks!! Woo-hoo!! I bit the bullet and joined a weight loss center (Metabolic Research Center). I don't care if it is a scam - it is working and I need the accountability that they offer!! the diet is similar to South Beach but it does require that you weigh in once a month and see a counselor - which I totally need!!

I may be wearing skinny jeans yet! Speaking of skinny jeans...

First of all I HATE skinny jeans! I don't think they look good on anyone (ANYONE - especially guys!!!) When I see a girl wearing skinny jeans (actually skinny or not) the first thing I think is "Man, I bet she has a wedgie!" The absolute worst skinny jeans scenario is that of skinny jeans being worn by a slightly chunky 2nd grade child (and why do kids wear them anyway??) on tornado-drill day!! Seriously - no one needs to see that!!!

My definition of skinny jeans:
- jeans that you can zip while standing
-jeans that do not allow for any muffin-top action
-jeans that do not cut off your circulation
-jeans that do not leave red marks and/or possible impalement in ones tummy area
- jeans that allow bending at the knee
-most importantly jeans that stretch!!!

Happy Prom Season!!

My 29 Year Love/Hate Relationship with the Big Mac

Well...let me start by telling you that I am hijacking my blog! I created this blog to vent about my infertility problems, but it seems I just have too many problems and not enough blogs! (Of course I am too lazy to just start a new blog about a new topic!)

But, really this topic does kind of bridge into my fertility issues...well, sort of...work with me on this!

This particular entry has been stirring in my head for awhile and I just need to get it out...you are the lucky ones who get to read it...

My Big Mac Story
I did not have my first Big Mac (yes, as in the McDonald's Big Mac) until I was 29 (that's right 29)! Since I can remember I have always struggled with my weight (apparently, it's one of my fertility issues...see I knew we could make it work). I grew up thinking that the Big Mac was the most fattening food known to man. I remember seeing billboards showing how many fat grams are in just one of them (I think it is like a billion) and I thought there is no way I could put all of that in my body at one time. Now, I am sure I ingested many other just as fattening things in those 29 years - but none knowingly (kind of the out-of-sight out-of-mind thing). I would hear some one order one and think "OMG - how can you do that??" I wouldn't dare eat one...especially in public.

I am not exactly what you would call fat...at least I don't feel fat. And, if you know me and would call me fat...well then...keep it to your self please! I am certainly not skinny - I am curvy to say the least. But, I am definitely not the kind of girl who needs to walk around eating Big Macs! So, for 29 years I didn't...ever...in my entire life (at the time).

The Big Mac was kind of my arch enemy...it taunted me. I wanted one many times...but I just couldn't do it. I couldn't give in to it's power. Nope...this sorta-fat girl was standing strong!

Then one night...I caved....

It was a hot summer night, a week before we were going back to school. I was in my 2nd year of teaching and had just completed my 2nd Back to School Open House. Later that night, I was home and completely exhausted when I got the phone call that would lead me to give in to the curse of the Big Mac, and change history forever (well maybe not history-history, but my history)

My father had died.

He was sick and in the hospital, so it was expected but still a very tragic situation (but, that makes for another blog). I called my sister and gave her the news. She immediately drove over to my house, bringing along the biggest bottle of wine I have ever seen (maybe not really the biggest - but this is my story so just go with it). We were not close to our father, but we had recently both made amends while he was in the hospital. I wasn't really sure how ones handles losing a parent, close or not. It was such a surreal experience. Here I was 29 years old and about to bury my father (actually, he is in my closet...his choice - he did not want to be buried). So there we sat, on my front porch the two of us drinking a bottle of wine...crying and then laughing because we really didn't know what else to do.

Eventually, my oh-so-sweet husband came out to check on us and asked if he could get us anything...when suddenly I had an idea. I said, "You know what you could get me...a Big Mac...that's what you could get me." He replied with a very concerned, "Ummm...honey, it's 2:30 in the morning." At that time my sister piped in with, "drive throughsss open 24 hours."

And so...away he went on his mission to get us Big Macs and fries at 2:30 in the morning. (Have you picked up on the emotional eater thing yet...cheetos, carrot cakes, Big Macs...yeah that's me)

I was literally giddy with excitement knowing that I was about to eat my first Big Mac. I felt that at this very pivotal point in my life I damned well deserved to have one.

After he arrived home, I unwrapped my burger like a Christmas package...I was going to savor every minute of it. So, I took my first bite and...

it sucked.

I looked at my sister and said, "What the hell...I have waited 29 years for this??"

It was greasy and goopy and soggy. (I am sure they probably don't give you the finest quality at 2:30 in the morning, but still). It was well, GROSS!

Not gross enough for me not to finish, though!!

So...I had a Big Mac and forget lovin' it I didn't even like it...and to this day that is the only Big Mac I have ever had. And you know what...I'm good with it!


I wonder what I will eat when I finally do get pregnant????

Mother of a Day!

Well it is Mother's Day...and I am so blessed to have the honor to celebrate it! I am a Mother and I should be happy with that, I am...but...you know the rest.

This Mother's Day I am thinking more about my blessings and less about what more I want from life. This Mother's Day I am particularly grateful.

Last Mother's Day, I spent the day in bed crying (I think I even blogged about it...but I don't remember and I am to lazy to go back and look through the older posts). The Friday before Mother's Day last year we got the news about my husband's cancer. It wasn't the official diagnosis, but we knew it was cancer. My husband had to go to work on Mother's Day so it was the first day that I was alone (well, without him) since we got this terrible news. As soon as he left I fell apart and pretty much stayed a wreck the entire day. It was terrible. The worst part was that my son knew I was upset but he never said a word. We hadn't told him about the cancer yet but I think he already knew but was afraid to ask me what was wrong because he knew what I was going to say. It was a Mother of a Day!

This year has been very different! My husband is working again which really sucks, but at least he is healthy and able to!! I am grateful for that!

I spent the day with my son, nieces and nephews, my mom and sister - and it was wonderful!

I still think about and want to be a mother again more than anything in this world. I probably think about it 10 times a day (at least). I am trying to come to terms with the fact that it just might not be in the cards for me - but my heart feels differently. I truly deeply believe that I will have another child. I would love to have two or three more children. How we get to that point...I have no idea.

We are thinking about going the fertility route again - but NOT IVF (unless it is somehow free). Maybe we will adopt - we have been talking about that a lot to. (Secretly - I would LOVE to adopt a sibling group...in an ideal/perfect world it would include a newborn and an older child or two). We are talking about a lot of things...thats just it...we are talking. It is really hard to actually DO something when
1) you are out of money (adoption and IVF cost a LOT of money)
2) you are kind of scared to death after the last 4 FAILED attempts at getting pregnant
3) your husband is recovering from cancer
and
4) you think that maybe having your husband healed from cancer just might fill your miracle quota for a life time and asking for another child just might be too much

...so you just talk.

My plan is to once again try and get myself super healthy and then it will just magically happen. I guess we will see. It's a great plan - if it works!

But regardless of my lack of the ability to reproduce lately...I am still a mother and for that I am so grateful! I have several friends who would give anything to be able to say that - I know how lucky I am.

I'm Really Good at Something

Again, I have let the world of bloggers down. I just didn't have the spark for it - I was lost in a world of cancer, holidays, work, and whatever else you think might make a good excuse for being a SLACKER.

I recently found my spark again when we were doing our taxes and it was time to total the amount we spent on invetro. Are you ready for this??? We spent over 12 thousand dollars...and it didn't even work!!! If that isn't something to gripe about - I don't know what is.

So, needless to say...I am back and ready to bitch, gripe, and complain. Hope you are ready for it!!

Let me recap what has been going on since...oh, October.

My husband finished his cancer treatment (yay!). The radiation turned out to be a BEAST! It was the most horrible thing I have seen him go through yet. The chemo was bad (really bad), but since he had treatments every other week I guess he had a few days of almost normalcy in between. Not so for the radiation. He had to get radiation for 17 days straight. Since it was in his chest and neck he had horrible burns in his throat which made him very sick. Needless to say it SUCKED really bad!!! The good thing though, is that he was completely done and working towards recovery just in time for Christmas. And he is COMPLETELY cancer free!!!!

We had the best Christmas we have ever had. I don't mean in the way of gifts (although, he did really good this year). I mean this year we truly knew the meaning of Christmas. We had been given a second chance at life...and we took it! We faced the fact that our family could have been torn apart, and we fought like hell to make sure that did not happen. We celebrated being a FAMILY more than anything. It helped that this was the first Christmas in 10 years where we didn't have to travel to go anywhere. Although, I love traveling and I love being with family. It was so nice to just be home. I didn't have to worry about packing everyone up and all of the Christmas stress at the same time. It was wonderful!

Just a few weeks ago my husband was released to go back to full police duty. That was the moment when I realized that our fight really was over and that we had won!! The down side was that he will no longer be home with us in the evenings or weekends...but duty calls. I am so proud of him. I think he is even stronger now than before his treatment began.

So, about fertility...

We have never given up on the possibility that we can have children of our own...the old fashioned way. I found many articles (in my very advanced Internet research) stating that the type of chemotherapy that he went through does not have a permanent effect on fertility. I cling to this hope!!! We have discussed what our next step would be, and we just aren't sure. We still have some frozen "stuff" - but do I really want to go through that again? Do I really want to hand over that much money and say "good luck"? Don't get me wrong...it is worth every penny - IF it works! If it doesn't work it is not worth a damn cent! I mean seriously...who pays for something and gets nothing but heartache in return?? (Me that's who) I would have been better off paying some thug to take me into a back alley and beat the crap out of me...I mean, that is how you feel after all of the poking, prodding, retrieving, implanting, and waiting. Then when you get the news hat it doesn't work you feel like you've been shot...in the heart.

We will continue to try naturally, for some reason my husband insists that we should try EVERYDAY (men!). I believe that it can happen...but I have been believing that for the last 6 years. At what point do I become a fool? I am just not good at giving up hope. I am not good at accepting things for what they are. We are a family of 3 - I'm not good with it. I am not good giving up on a dream that I have...to be a mother again.

But, I have realized that I am really (really) good at something...not getting pregnant (and bitching about it). I am so good at it that I could probably teach a class or at least earn some sort of Master's degree in it. I mean for some who has tried EVERYTHING (and I mean everything) to get pregnant and it didn't work - I have pretty much perfected the art...of infertility. (Word to the wise: many of you are thinking "quit trying and it will happen" let me just give you some advice...NEVER EVER tell an infertile that. We do NOT want to hear how we are trying too hard or how you got pregnant when you least expected it...even if it is true...WE do NOT want to hear about it!)

From the beginning I have said that I am sure if I were 16, wearing too much make up, a prom dress, and drinking Boone's Farm in the back seat of some guy's dirty camaro - I'd be pregnant in no time. But, nope. (We've even tried the back seat thing...minus the Boone's Farm plus a bottle of chardonnay...and NOTHING.)

I'm just really good at NOT getting pregnant. (take that teen moms!)