I'm Really Good at Something

Again, I have let the world of bloggers down. I just didn't have the spark for it - I was lost in a world of cancer, holidays, work, and whatever else you think might make a good excuse for being a SLACKER.

I recently found my spark again when we were doing our taxes and it was time to total the amount we spent on invetro. Are you ready for this??? We spent over 12 thousand dollars...and it didn't even work!!! If that isn't something to gripe about - I don't know what is.

So, needless to say...I am back and ready to bitch, gripe, and complain. Hope you are ready for it!!

Let me recap what has been going on since...oh, October.

My husband finished his cancer treatment (yay!). The radiation turned out to be a BEAST! It was the most horrible thing I have seen him go through yet. The chemo was bad (really bad), but since he had treatments every other week I guess he had a few days of almost normalcy in between. Not so for the radiation. He had to get radiation for 17 days straight. Since it was in his chest and neck he had horrible burns in his throat which made him very sick. Needless to say it SUCKED really bad!!! The good thing though, is that he was completely done and working towards recovery just in time for Christmas. And he is COMPLETELY cancer free!!!!

We had the best Christmas we have ever had. I don't mean in the way of gifts (although, he did really good this year). I mean this year we truly knew the meaning of Christmas. We had been given a second chance at life...and we took it! We faced the fact that our family could have been torn apart, and we fought like hell to make sure that did not happen. We celebrated being a FAMILY more than anything. It helped that this was the first Christmas in 10 years where we didn't have to travel to go anywhere. Although, I love traveling and I love being with family. It was so nice to just be home. I didn't have to worry about packing everyone up and all of the Christmas stress at the same time. It was wonderful!

Just a few weeks ago my husband was released to go back to full police duty. That was the moment when I realized that our fight really was over and that we had won!! The down side was that he will no longer be home with us in the evenings or weekends...but duty calls. I am so proud of him. I think he is even stronger now than before his treatment began.

So, about fertility...

We have never given up on the possibility that we can have children of our own...the old fashioned way. I found many articles (in my very advanced Internet research) stating that the type of chemotherapy that he went through does not have a permanent effect on fertility. I cling to this hope!!! We have discussed what our next step would be, and we just aren't sure. We still have some frozen "stuff" - but do I really want to go through that again? Do I really want to hand over that much money and say "good luck"? Don't get me wrong...it is worth every penny - IF it works! If it doesn't work it is not worth a damn cent! I mean seriously...who pays for something and gets nothing but heartache in return?? (Me that's who) I would have been better off paying some thug to take me into a back alley and beat the crap out of me...I mean, that is how you feel after all of the poking, prodding, retrieving, implanting, and waiting. Then when you get the news hat it doesn't work you feel like you've been shot...in the heart.

We will continue to try naturally, for some reason my husband insists that we should try EVERYDAY (men!). I believe that it can happen...but I have been believing that for the last 6 years. At what point do I become a fool? I am just not good at giving up hope. I am not good at accepting things for what they are. We are a family of 3 - I'm not good with it. I am not good giving up on a dream that I have...to be a mother again.

But, I have realized that I am really (really) good at something...not getting pregnant (and bitching about it). I am so good at it that I could probably teach a class or at least earn some sort of Master's degree in it. I mean for some who has tried EVERYTHING (and I mean everything) to get pregnant and it didn't work - I have pretty much perfected the art...of infertility. (Word to the wise: many of you are thinking "quit trying and it will happen" let me just give you some advice...NEVER EVER tell an infertile that. We do NOT want to hear how we are trying too hard or how you got pregnant when you least expected it...even if it is true...WE do NOT want to hear about it!)

From the beginning I have said that I am sure if I were 16, wearing too much make up, a prom dress, and drinking Boone's Farm in the back seat of some guy's dirty camaro - I'd be pregnant in no time. But, nope. (We've even tried the back seat thing...minus the Boone's Farm plus a bottle of chardonnay...and NOTHING.)

I'm just really good at NOT getting pregnant. (take that teen moms!)

No Go

Well...I got the call yesterday, and it was the same as last time. It began with an "I'm so sorry." Ugh! I hate those damn phone calls! Another - big FAT NEGATIVE :(!

I am sad, but I am not angry. I promised God that I would love him no matter what and I do. I have a lot to be thankful for. My husband had another clear PET scan today...that means the cancer is really-really gone!! In spite of how sucky yesterday was - we still can rejoice today! Thank you Lord for your blessings!!!

I admit though, that I was really shocked that it didn't work. I was so sure that it would. I really thought this time was going to be IT. I just felt like everything was falling into place - it was just working out perfectly. The money even just kind of "fell from the sky." I am not sure how we got it all, but we did. I just really felt like God was leading us down this path...maybe he was, maybe it was a test to see if we would give up if we didn't get what we wanted. We won't. We will never give up...on God...or on our dream.

I have to tell you though that when I allow myself to go to that dark place...that really dark place this is what I see:

1. healthy baby boy - first go-round at parenting
2. miscarriage
3. miscarriage
4. failed fertility cycle (clomid and natural intercourse)
5. failed fertility cycle (oral meds, hormones, and natural intercourse)
6. failed fertility cycle (oral meds, hormones, injectables, and natural intercourse)
7. husband diagnosed with cancer which can cause infertility
8. failed IVF cycle

So, all of this makes me think...did we just really screw things up so bad that God wants to put a stop to our procreation??

Deep down I know that is not true...I did tell you it was a really dark place. Sometimes, we go to those dark places whether we want to or not.

Actually, what I think it is - is this: Having another child is the deepest desire of my heart, it is probably the only thing in life that I want that I do not already have. I think Satan has tried all of these tricks to steal my faith. You would think he would toss in the damn towel by now!!!

But through it all - I will not give up my faith. I will still have hope, and one day we will have our baby!

I believe God.

Waiting Game

So...

We are now implanted...here is how it went down.

We arrived at the doctor's office the day of our IVF transfer at 8am. It was a Sunday, 5 days after the "egg hunt" (so, really what I am trying to say is that I had to get up way too early on my day off). When we arrived at the building we found the front entry door locked. At first I didn't worry about it - we were a bit early. But, as the time of my appointment kept creeping closer I started to get a little nervous. I made my husband try to pry the doors open - when that didn't work I started to panic. I called the answering service and in a few short minutes someone was down to let us in. Crisis averted!!

So, there we were in the room, ready to get the party started. After about 30 minutes I remembered that I had Valium in my purse - but I couldn't remember when I was supposed to take it. I made my husband run down the nurse and ask her...apparently I was supposed to take it on the way to the appointment - oh, well. It was taken regardless. So, after the Valium I realize that this situation is really not all that different from who it would have normally went down: I had on a slutty shirt (coincidence), no pants, the lights were dim, and I was half drunk...perfect baby making conditions ( it works for 16 year olds on prom night).

Once the doctor came in and got things rolling it really didn't take that long. We had a total of 8 embryos. We had 2 really good mature blastocysts so we went with those two. I even have a picture of them. I watched the doctor insert 2 tiny baby cell-balls (cell balls is a technical term...and it makes me laugh) into my uterus via a flat screen television hanging from the ceiling - my how things have changed for us!

After the transfer I had to lie still for 20 minutes - that wasn't hard with the Valium. Except for the fact that I was afraid to go to sleep for fear that I might pee my pants (not that I was wearing any) - did I mention that they have to do the transfer with a FULL bladder. The doctor even had me go to the bathroom and empty "2 cups" from my bladder (ever tried to do that???) and it was still FULL!!!!!!!!

On the way home I had an insatiable craving for Arby's - which just adds to my whole drunk 16 year old theory. We are so having a baby!!!!

It has been about a week since the transfer. A day has not gone by that someone hasn't asked "so...when will you know??" Yeah, I probably could have kept this whole situation to myself and wouldn't have to deal with that question - but I mean I blog (about my reproductive system)...I am not exactly a private person. Besides, I appreciate having so many supporters in my life. But - my answer to EVERYONE who asks when I will know is "in a couple of weeks." I don't want to give an exact date - that is just way too much pressure.

This brings us to...waiting...and praying. I have so much faith that THIS is going to work. I feel like this is God's plan for my life. I just have to...wait.

The best news is that my husband is DONE with chemo...forever!!!!! He is cancer free and we are so looking forward to our life after cancer - I KNOW that it includes a baby (or two).

Eggs, Eggs, Eggs

I suppose I should start by updating you on all of the craziness that has gone on these last few weeks.

I managed to successfully inject myself with RAGING hormones 3 times per night for a few weeks. I only gave myself about 47 bruises and turned my not-to-pretty tummy into an even bigger wreck - I mean really... it is gross! (for a while it was looking like blueberry muffin batter)

The night before I was to go in for my "Egg Retrieval" I ended up in the ER with my husband. I came home from work and he was burning up with a fever. Since he is a chemotherapy patient the doctor told us to go directly to the ER. We were there until about 1:00 am. They were able to get his fever down and everything else checked out ok (thank goodness) so they sent us on our way...again at 1:30 AM!!! I remember getting in bed at around 1:45ish. I had to be at the surgery center at 6:30 and at my sisters house at 5:30 (so she could drive me) so I was up again at 4:00 AM!!!! I had to get up early to take care of all of those tasks that one must do before she has a team of people all up in her GLORIA! Anyway, we made it to the surgery center on time and completely manicured for the procedure.

Operation: Egg Hunt

Since it was my first time having my eggs retrieved I had no idea what to expect. They took me to the O.R. and strapped me down...next thing I know I am waking up in recovery. That was easy! Until, I tried to get up. Holy Moly...what did they do go in there with a jack hammer to get those eggs? My mid section was swollen three times its size and felt like there had been and ovarian sumo wrestling match going on. I was in pain. But, it was nothing I couldn't handle!

After the procedure my sister took me to her house to recover. My husband was home sick at our house and I was laid up in another one...it was by far one of the craziest days of my life. But, worth every minute of it!

I guess it was around 1:00 in the afternoon when I got one of the most amazing, but strangest phone calls of my life...

My doctor's office called to tell me that they retrieved 10 (ten) eggs! (Doesn't that just sound weird.)

The next day they called to inform me that they had fertilized the eggs (with the frozen junk) and we now had 8 embryos!!!!!! EMBRYOS...That is how a baby begins!!!!

So now we are approaching our transfer date. The day that they will put those embryos (I don't know how many yet) into my womb and God will do his work. I am excited! I feel very peaceful and calm (so far).

As I think about my embryos...I secretly take comfort in knowing that technically I have 8 little baby cells that belong to me. My babies are here, they are just waiting for their mommy to come and get them.

As far as the hormones and preparing my body for the possibility of a pregnancy goes...I am a train wreck. I am on 2 hormone pills and a steroid twice a day. I have found that I can't sit still for even a minute, but when I am busy I just want to eat stuff...or yell at people. My boobs feel as if they are literally going to fall off (which would really suck) and my belly feels as if all 8 of those babies are in it having a soccer game. But, again...it is all worth it!

It also gives me great joy to know that my husband only has 1 more treatment left!! I have no idea what we were thinking when we decided to do all of this at the same time...but there is a reason, it will all be over at the end of this month and hopefully we can just enjoy and very healthy pregnancy!!!

Giving it my best Shot!

So I am on day 2 of my IVF treatment plan. So far it has gone like this:

Yesterday I took a total of 15 pills, yes that is a 1 and a 5! And the gave myself 2 injections.

Today I am down to just 5 pills and 2 injections!

For the next 10 or so days I will follow this schedule!! oh, wait I forgot...on Friday I will add a third injection and a lot more pills to my cocktail. Can it get any better??? Oh, yes it can. Over the next month I will take more pills, give myself more shots, have two "surgical" procedures, and have things put in places that I will not even mention...all in an effort to have a child. And, I get to pay money for every last bit of it!

So far I don't seem to have made the transformation into raving lunatic bitch yet...however if you ask my husband he may tell you a different story. And, after all it is only day two.

I don't like to think about the dreaded two weeks at the end of the month. Those are probably the darkest and most miserable days in the life of an infertile. The two week wait. They might as well call it the "Two weeks of being too scared to do anything including go to the bathroom, sneeze ,or cough for fear that you might accidentally push your baby out and ruin the whole thing."

Can that really happen? Probably not...but in the mind of a hormone ravaged, baby deprived, stressed out, financially broke, infertile... it so could.

So, we'll give it our best shot and see how it goes! No sneezing allowed!

Birth Control??

Surgery is over and I am polyp free! It was a cake walk considering everything that has been going on in my household over the last 6 months!

Actually, I really enjoyed the anesthesia induced nap...TREMENDOUSLY!

Here is a little known secret of being infertile...birth control pills are actually used to help you get pregnant. Yes, my doctor put me on birth control pills last month in order to regulate and suppress my body's hormones. So that I have a better chance of getting pregnant. Weird, right? Birth control as part of a fertility plan????

So, tonight I took my last birth control pill. And if I have it my way it will be my last pill for the rest of my life!!!!

I don't care if I end up pregnant with 8 babies this time. I don't think I could ever purposely prevent another pregnancy for the as long as I live. I mean when I think about all of the times that we were being "careful" I just feel sad - and think of it as a missed opportunity. I had no idea it was going to be this hard to make it happen. So, I have decided that I will never miss an opportunity to be a mother again. If I am 45 and by some miracle I end up pregnant -then it will be just that...a miracle!

And, forget surgical solutions - to think that my options would be eliminated forever makes me want to cringe. It is kind of one of those "don't know what you got 'till it's gone" things. I have never given my baby making business the credit that it truly deserves. In the past I took being fertile for granted. I complained every month when the "time" came (well, I still kind of of that...a lot). I remember a few times even praying that I wasn't pregnant because the "the time wasn't right" - now I consider that a form of blasphemy!

I am so thankful for every aspect of being a woman! When IT happens I am going to praise the Lord for every cramp, morning of sickness, pee sneeze (you know what that is), labor pain, stretch mark, and ounce of fat that it takes!!! It will all be worth it!

And the only birth control that I will practice - will be falling asleep before he does!

Here goes EVERYTHING!!!

Tomorrow I will walk into a doctor's office and write a check for over three thousand dollars! I am currently sick to my stomach - especially because that does not even cover the entire cost. Of what you ask...well a little something called Invetro-Fertilization.

Let me back up a little...

My husband has been doing great with his chemotherapy treatments. So great that he had a PET scan after treatment number 4 and it showed that the cancer was GONE!!! This good news sent us into an oblivion of bliss - as you might imagine. We decided that this news means we should go on with our plans for growing our family.

Remember the frozen junk?? Well it is time to use it or lose it! It turns out that with all of my problems we really aren't good candidates for artificial insemination...which of course only costs around 2 thousand dollars. Nope, apparently we are high rollers when it comes to being infertile so we qualify for the 10 thousand dollar program...know as IVF.

Last week I went in for my baseline ultrasound and they found a polyp in my uterus (of course they did). Turns out I can grow pretty much anything in there...except a baby. Tomorrow I will have surgery to remove it. I will also begin the roller coaster (IVF) that will hopefully end with a bouncy beautiful baby (or two...or three - who knows).

Which brings us to writing the biggest fattest check that I have ever written...and praying that my investment pays off!

We are literally putting all of our eggs in one basket...

Here goes everything!