Little Did I Know

Tonight while I was searching for something in my closet, I came across a box of high school memory (junk) stuff. I sat for a minute rifling through the box remembering how I thought life was "tough" back then...boy, I didn't know jack! Then I realized that my precious box of high school memories sits in my closet right next to my breast pump (because, there was a time when I was not infertile...goddess, yes...infertile, no). And this discovery made me realize there are so many things in my life that I either never dreamed I'd have to go through or never even gave a second thought about...until now.

For instance, I never imagined I'd ever own, much less use a breast pump. And I certainly never thought I'd be so excited when it arrived via UPS that I'd answer the door...mid feeding...but I did.

I always knew I would have children, I never once considered all of the "gross" things I'd have to do in the process. And, don't deny it...you know there is some grossness involved.

I never imagined that there could be anything better to do on a Friday night than cheer at a football game. Now, I am usually in my pajamas by 5:30 on Friday nights...thanking the Lord that I have no where to go.

Back then I would have never even thought of mentioning anything regarding "girl problems" in front of a boy. Now, I have an ovulation calendar on my refrigerator. (And, I don't even take it down when guests come over...I mean, the secret is kind of out.)

I remember trying to preserve every flower a boy had ever given me. You know, I would dry them out and smash them in a book or something. Well, I am still preserving stuff - but it sure ain't roses!

Oh, and I remember thinking that appendicitis was like the worst thing that could ever happen to someone. And, if I heard that someone had Mono I'd, you know...discreetly keep my distance (although the thought of being excused from school for all of those days sure was tempting)...well, now my husband has cancer and I want nothing more than to be right next to him every second of every day. I have suddenly become this agent/manager/event coordinator for my husbands health.

I never thought I'd have a calendar of chemotherapy schedules, surgical procedures, and medical appointments. I never in a million years ever truly thought I'd have to deal with such issues as infertility or worse...cancer.

I long for the day when I had my wisdom teeth taken out, boy did I milk that!!! I thought that the world was surely going to end.

Little did I know...

It's Official

Ok...now it's official...Cancer it is. Major suckish!

Well, I guess this opens up a whole new chapter in my life. It is weird, but I am kind of relieved to have the diagnosis...at least now we know (for sure) what is wrong...and we know how to fix it. The waiting and going back and forth was killing me.

You know that saying "God can only give you what you can handle" ? Well, I would just like to say: God, apparently you have me mistaken for someone else...I am soooo not good at handling stress. Seriously, this is a really bad idea. I am the weak one...he is the one that has everything under control....NOT me!!!

Here goes nothin'....

In Sickness and in Health

Well, it looks as if cancer has made its way to my home. My husband got a preliminary diagnoses of Hodgkin's Lymphoma.

The good news: It is a CURABLE caner!!!

The bad news: It's still cancer.

After seeing 2 more doctors, they have determined that he has Stage 2 Hodgkin's Lymphoma. It is not an official diagnosis because he has to have yet another biopsy. However, the PET scan did show positive for cancer and all other tests point to Hodgkin's. At this point I want it to be Hodgkin's so we can get this show on the road, and of course because it is the "good cancer" (oxymoron much?).

We were told by our (and yes I refer to this with us, we, and our because it seems like it is happening to both of us...and of course because of my innate need to make everything about me) Medical Oncologist that the treatment for this disease can lead to infertility....seriously??? So we are now looking into Chryo-preservation (which is a fancy way to say we are going to have his junk frozen). Our current fertility doctor offers this service - lucky us!

I am wondering if we can just throw it in a ziploc bag, pop it in the freezer, and call it a day. It would be way cheaper and so much easier!

I know I mentioned this before - but someone up there is working really hard to keep us from reproducing. Maybe it is the lethal gene pool combination. I am Italian and he's Irish, we have already unleashed one son upon this earth...perhaps they couldn't handle another.

Anyway...
I am not scared of the cancer part - I am scared of the treatment part. I just don't know how much (or maybe how little) it will change our lives. I am scared of what I don't know. But what I do know is this: WE WILL MAKE IT THROUGH THIS WHOLE DEAL!! and WE WILL HAVE ANOTHER CHILD! Someday - someway...it WILL happen!


So...
At first I kept asking why is this happening to us, and then my husband kind of set me straight - he explained that knowing WHY would not change the fact that it IS still happening. We just have to deal with it. And so we are. One day at a time.

Waiting

Well, I thought being an infertile sucked...apparently there are worse things.

In exactly 6 days from today I will find out if my husband has cancer. Yes, cancer. About 2 weeks ago he went in for a scan of his neck (there was a lump), he was in surgery a week later. We are waiting for the results of the biopsy. We have already had 2 doctors tell us what we didn't want to hear. Now we wait to see if they were right. (please let them be wrong)

I seriously thought that being infertile was my cross to bare, and compared to the alternative I am so ok with that! Being infertile is a cake walk compared to what we are facing now. (Which also leads to infertility...apparently God must think I am a terrible mother. Maybe this whole cancer thing is just to make doubly sure that we won't reproduce again).

So, how am I handling this...well, I cry...a lot! I cry because I am scared. I cry because I am sad. I cry because I am angry. I cry because I don't understand why this is happening. I am trying not to cry in front of him. I am trying to be strong. I am trying to figure out how in the heck we are going to get through this.

I know that we will make it through this. I know we will. We have to.

My husband is very much the center of our family. He takes care of everything. He makes sure i have gas in my car, the bills are paid on time, the lawn gets mowed...I can't even remember to buy milk. How am I going to "run" things if he is sick? How am I going to keep it all together like he does?
My husband is also my best friend. It breaks my heart to think that he might be sick or that he might have to go through so much to get through this. Will we still be able to sit on the porch in the evenings and drink wine and talk for hours? Will he still want to go out to dinner? Will he still want to kiss me? The thought of my marriage being threatened scares me more than anything. The thought of my life without him causes me physical pain.

So I will wait, and try not to think.

Running for My Life!

I am happy to report that I am now officially a runner! I use that term very loosely, but I am a runner still. On my first run - about midway through (so like 2 minutes in) I heard emergency sirens. I thought surely I had died or passed out and they were coming for me. I seriously considered for a minute that I was having an "outer body experience." Much to my surprise...I was alive and well and running! I am taking it slow and working up to a goal of one full mile without stopping (baby steps). I already feel better and the best part - I don't hate it. I love the fact that I can secretly enjoy some Beastie Boys or Bon Jovi and no one even has to know (until I start singing "You Give Love A Bad Name" aloud while running down the road...then, the secret is kinda out). Being known as "the lady who sings 'the oldies' while running" by all of the neighborhood kids isn't such a bad thing is it???

Now, about the doctor. I did make the appointment and then I did cancel the appointment. We recently got some not great news about my husbands health - so I had to put my fertility issues aside for a bit. (Apparently, it is not always about me!) We are not sure yet of exactly what is going on. I will let you know when I know something...until then I am thinking happy thoughts!

I seriously don't know what I did to deserve to be infertile and to face the possibility of some really grim news all at the same time...but whatever it was - I am REALLY REALLY sorry!!

If it is true what they say...these situations only make us stronger...well then, I am going to be one really bad B%^&$ someday! Watch Out!

Spring Cleaning!

I love Spring! I love everything about it...well, maybe not the uncontrollable sneezing and the trail of tissues I seem to leave around the house, but other than that I freakin' love it! I love the weather! I love to see the flowers blooming, the trees coming back to life and I love to hear the sweet sounds of birds in the early morning (except for the family of birds who have apparently moved into my chimney and have their days and nights mixed up - those guys I am currently not loving!)! The point is...Spring time makes me happy!

I was thinking on our way home from a recent vacation that this is the perfect time for me to get things in gear! I am ready to take control of my health and most of all my fertility! Here is my plan:

1. Make a doctor's appointment. I am calling tomorrow! I have already okayed it with the hubby and he only had a small heart palpitation when I reminded him of the small $150 fee for the "consultation" - but he agreed it was time we get things going. (Note to future baby: For occasions such as when I am up all night worrying where you have been or when you bring home a bad grade - I think it only fair that we work out a "reimbursement program" or perhaps a wage garnishment to you know - to call it even!)

2. Make good on my whole "get healthy" plan. (Note to self - If for any reason in the near future you have any more great ideas - like oh...get healthy or....be a better person...you know change the world type stuff...well - keep it to yourself!)
Actually...I am really going to try on this one. My family has agreed to adopt "Meat Free Mondays" - and by agreed I mean I told them we were going to do this and I didn't allow for any comments or questions. And, since my current kid pretty much only eats chicken nuggets this should be a really GREAT experience! But - we will TRY it and see how it goes...I see a lot of cheese pizza and grilled cheese in our future!!
Also, I asked my husband to help me start a running program. (Apparently I was on drugs when I asked this - since normally I don't RUN unless, maybe I am being chased by a giant sasquacth - who is also armed...otherwise it would just be a fast "mall walk.") So, tonight we are going to start "running" maybe just to the mailbox and back...but it's a start.

3. Start Fresh! Today I got rid of all of my old baby stuff. I know, I know...kind of defeats the purpose of this whole thing...BUT - I decided that when I do have a baby - I DESERVE new stuff!! I am keeping the furniture - but everything else is going to the Yard Sale! It is 7 years old - so I figured out with the old and in with the new (and I am ONLY referring to the baby stuff here).

So that is my plan...will it work?? No idea, but I'll give it a go and see!!!!

I will do my best to update much more often, that is if i don't die during the whole running thing!!

Later!!!

(P.S. I have no idea how to spell sasquatch (and my spell check is giving me no suggestions) so - sorry! *_*)

Post Lent Post

Well, Lent is over and I survived. I managed. I was also faithful to my promise to stop asking and start thanking. For the last 40 or so days I did not ask God "why" I wasn't pregnant, I didn't by a pregnancy test (sorry EPT - I am sure sales were down), and I didn't complain about not being pregnant...but Lent is over so I am going to let it rip!!!!

Nahhh, I actually learned a lot about myself and my life over this last month and a half. I learned that I have a wonderful kid, and an amazing husband - an overall pretty fabulous life. I also learned that I know with out any doubt that I want another child.

Here is where we stand now...

Me - 32
Him - 42
Son - 7

One would think the math does not add up to start all over again. But, I know this is what we want for our family.

I am sure it will be hard to start all over again, but when is life ever really easy...especially where having kids is concerned.

Now, how do we get what we want??? Apparently not the way the rest of the world does it. I guess we will actually go back to square one...medically assisted reproduction. Awesome, this should be super fun. Well, maybe not...but it certainly makes for a more interesting Blog!

Stay Tuned!!!